Toggle Background Color
So I've just taken a look at the opening narration of the Prologue, and while it was good...I thought it succumbed to the ol' "Passive voice" problem that plagues a lot of people. So...here's how I would "punch it up" to make it more active. I will admit, my changes do slightly alter the tone of the narration, but I think it's for the better in this case. After all, this is an awful lot of words for first-time players to sit through!
NARRATION:
"Long ago, Saint Heim founded the great Kingdom of Grannvale, and built it right at the heart of the continent."
Then there were the six noble houses, made to support the heirs of Heim. Each house held the blood of a crusader, and each one swore an oath of fealty to the royal family. All the houses knelt to the King's authority, exercised immense power and military might, and carved out vast swaths of land in accordance to their desires.
Years later, King Azmur still ruled the land, but had grown old. He had long since left the governance of his kingdom to his son, the celebrated Prince Kurth, who ruled with the help of his two trusted advisors: Lord Bryon of House Chalphy, and Lord Ring of House Jungby.
Lord Reptor of House Freege, the chancellor of Grannvale, had long bucked at the Prince's authority. He felt that his authority had been compromised by Kurth, and allied himself with the ruler of House Dozel, the avaricious Lord Langbalt, to challenge his reign.
Meanwhile, Lord Arvis, the young duke of House Velthomer, commanded the Royal Guard in the king’s care. He had little time for the circus of politics; only Father Claude of House Edda saw the oncoming storm.
Into the midst of this tense situation came dire news from the eastern Yied Desert.
"'Savage warriors from Isaach are laying seige to Darna!' the reports said. 'The Darnians are our brothers, and they're slaughtering them like animals!". Such were the reports Grannvale received with every passing day.
Finally, Grannvale declared war on Isaach, with throngs of people calling for Isaach's blood.
Prince Kurth led Grannvale's charge on his father’s behalf, commanding all the military might of the kingdom’s six houses.
At Kurth’s side was none other than Lord Byron; Highly decorated hero of peerless valor, and Prince Kurth's constant companion.
Grannvale had poured almost its entire military into the Isaach campaign, leaving only a handful of knights to defend its borders. That left the kingdom exposed to...
...Agustria to the northwest...
...and Verdane to the south. But the people were not worried. "We have an alliance with them!' they said. 'Why would either of them ever attack us?"
Those were the words they spoke, before Verdane's forces did exactly that.
As if from nowhere, Prince Gandolf led a vast army across Grannvale border, and laid siege to Jungby Castle.
There is no one left at Jungby to protect it now, except for Lord Ring's daughter, Lady Aideen.
However, Lord Bryon had instated a garrison of soldiers at the neighboring castle of Chalphy, including his son, Sigurd.
Sigurd has known Aideen's friendship since childhood, and was horrified to hear of the siege of Jungby. He is undermanned and unprepared, and yet he rides onward, determined to protect Aideen and his fatherland from the savage hordes of Verdane.
The year is 757, Grann calendar. Thus the threshold of fate is cast open. Nobody could have known then that this simple disturbance was but the first of countless calamities to come.
So, what do you think Holsety? Here's the script you had in comparison...
NARRATION:
At the heart of the continent of Jugdral lies Grannvale, a kingdom founded by Saint Heim of the Twelve Crusaders.
Supporting the royal family, the heirs of Heim, are six noble houses, each also descended from a Crusader of old. The six states, while still subservient to the royal family, each occupy vast swaths of Grannvale’s land and maintain mighty militaries of their own.
Owing to King Azmur’s advanced age, the governance of Grannvale falls to his son, the highly respected Prince Kurth. Kurth has two trusted advisors in his rule: Lord Byron of House Chalphy, and Lord Ring of House Jungby.
Grannvale's Chancellor, Lord Reptor of House Freege, has long objected to the threat to his influence posed by Kurth and his advisors,
and has allied himself with the avaricious Lord Langbalt of House Dozel to form a faction opposed to Kurth’s rule over Grannvale.
The young duke of House Velthomer, Lord Arvis, leads the Royal Guard in the king’s care and so has little time for the circus of politics. Only Father Claude of House Edda, could foresee the oncoming storm.
Into the midst of this tense situation, comes dire news from Jugdral’s east.
Darna, a town in the Yied Desert with deep ties to Grannvale, is now besieged by savage warriors from Isaach. Reports of a brutal massacre abound.
The news is met by the people of Grannvale with furious cries for retribution, and before long the kingdom declares war on Isaach.
Prince Kurth leads Grannvale's charge on his father’s behalf, commanding the military might of the kingdom’s six houses.
At Kurth’s side as always is none other than Lord Byron, a highly decorated hero of peerless valor in his own right.
Grannvale has poured its entire military into the Isaach campaign, and precious few soldiers remain behind. With its neighbors – Agustria to the west and Verdane to the south – bound in alliance with Grannvale, none dare to dream they could ever be threatened.
It is not long at all, however, before the people’s confidence is shattered.
As if from nowhere, a vast horde from Verdane led by Prince Gandolf crosses the Grannvale border and lays siege to Jungby Castle.
In Lord Ring’s absence, his daughter, Lady Aideen, is Jungby's only guardian.
Lord Byron has entrusted the defense of Grannvale in his absence to his son, Sigurd, who remains at Chalphy Castle with a mere handful of soldiers.
A friend of Aideen since childhood, Sigurd is horrified to hear of the Jungby siege, and even with so few soldiers, is determined to protect Aideen and his fatherland from the savage Verdanite hordes.
The year is 757, Grann calendar. And thus the threshold of fate is cast open.
Nobody could have known then that this simple disturbance was but the first of countless calamities to come.