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Not The One At The Top, Not The One That Writes History... Yet: Part X - The Beginning Of The End (1151 - 1161)
Alright, time to do some housekeeping.
We're now a king, and that means we're subject to the whole "2 duchies only or get relation hits with all vassals" thing, so I destroy a duchy we have all the counties for to minimize the relations hit. Not that we should care about this, but I didn't quite put "the plan" into motion just yet.
I grant a county to Roger to make him eligible for election. This is a mistake, as we'll soon discover. I should have given him a duchy instead (Champagne would have worked just fine), a county didn't make him eligible.
Before I figure that out, we also get limited CA back into action, which is pretty much required to at least kind of run a decent ship.
At this point, I then notice my mistake and banish Roger from the realm, hoping to be able to get him back eventually. Should have just arrested him and revoked his county, then given him a duchy - the relation boost would make up for the earlier penalty. I make a pretty embarrassing number of mistakes here, and they all stem from either not knowing the mechanics (giving him the county when I should have given him a duchy) or not keeping my fucking cool (banishing him in a panic move instead of thinking it out and just revoking). But this is just the beginning of our troubles.
So then I re-create the duchy I just destroyed since we'll be giving one out eventually. I never give one out because I lost all sensible thinking capabilities somewhere along the line.
At this point, vassals are getting pissed, and that's a good thing. This is where I start thinking about putting "the plan" into motion, so let's go over "the plan":
1) Piss vassals off.
2) Lose crown to faction.
3) Rebel for independence.
4) Join HRE (kings can't join empires).
5) Push claim on crown I got when I gave the title up.
6) Eventually take over the HRE or gain the territories needed to form Francia under the wing of the Emperor (the latter option would go similarly to the plan I posited at the end of the last update).
7) Karling emperor - plan succeeded!
Of course, once again, my ignorance proves to cause serious issues, as I should have simply rebelled for independence while I was still a duke, joined the HRE then and then usurped the crown from there. Still, given the situation, this is probably the best shot we have right now.
By the way, yeah, that's the Capet king of Scotland I mentioned we'd be seeing earlier. It wouldn't have been optimal if he ended up getting the crown, but eh.
To aid the factions along, I repeatedly disband armies in enemy lands to cripple our levies and make it easier for factions to rebel.
NO GOD DAMNIT THAT WAS NOT AN INVITATION FOR YOU TO DECLARE WAR YOU "HOLY" "ROMAN" TWAT.
I STILL HAVE MONEY, YOU KNOW!
NOW GET THE FUCK OUT I HAVE A CROWN TO LOSE HERE.
It's '52 now and still no faction demands. Fuck it, might as well piss some more vassals off and get some more money.
Factions are getting bigger, especially if I keep disbanding the armies.
NO GOD DAMNIT THAT'S THE WRONG FACTION TO FIRE. I give in because the last thing we want is a truce with these vassals - I need them to be able to fire off more factions. As this session goes on, an uncertainty hits me. Is there some sort of cooldown for AI factions to fire if you just recently gave in to one? Because if there is, then my ignorance once again fucked things over. I'm going to assume that there is no such cooldown, though.
There are a few things that go right - thanks to our illustrious past, our dynasty prestige is pretty high, and as such, brides from our family cost the republican leaders a pretty penny.
The factions get pretty crazy as time goes on - in '53, one of them even hits 1000% liege strength - and yet none of them fucking fire.
NO, GO AWAY. YOU'RE NOT GETTING A FUCKING DUCHY.
Alright, they want a tyrant?
They'll get a fucking tyrant then! Note that at this point, I was seriously getting pissed at the game. To quickly go into E/N territory, the internet access went down at my house a few days before playing this session, the technicians were no help and it would take half an eternity for them to get one around to check the cables over where I was, and I was starting to come down with a cold. So I was already in a fairly peeved mood, and I ended up taking the stuff this game was throwing at me personally. Like, it knew of "the plan" and was actively trying to blockade it - that was the only reason I could find why the AI wouldn't push these powerful factions I'm giving them.
Of course, the other assholes won't just stop, no, that's something that doesn't help "the plan" along, so that goes along just fine!
Ages go by, it's now '57, and still no faction demands!
Everybody in our realm fucking hates us to the core, and yet they somehow tolerate us as a king! I even spent all the money I saved up to see if maybe the threat of mercenaries was keeping them from revolting, but no, that wasn't it either!
Javert still has his strong claim on France, but he won't try to push that either! HE KNOWS!
Maybe you could say it's because he's in this crusade going on right now, but fuck that noise, We have like 200~1000 soldiers in our personal levies right now and our vassals give us fucking nothing because they despise us to the core and we're on Autonomous Vassals again. The state is completely derelict, and yet somehow, it persists!
So in '59, I finally have had enough. Fuck it. You don't want to play, fucker? Not on my watch. Might as well go for Orleans if nobody's going to try and depose me.
Oh, you're going to bring England along, eh? You wanna do this?
You really wanna do this?
Alright, let's fucking do this.
Yeah, that's what happens when you seriously piss off somebody that's already pissed off!
Oh, the crusade ended with a victory and you're going to call this guy in too?
I don't give a shit. Eat mercs, fucker.
...well, that was satisfying to some degree. Now, any revolts on the horizon?
Nope. Some great plots going on and shit that might cause an issue, but that's it. Still no revolts.
In '61, I completely break down and take the last way out I could possibly think of at the time...
...the possibly worst idea I could have had...
...losing a war with the Overthrow Ruler CB. France is treated differently from Burgundy in this case, and the end result is that the primary title is given to "the favorite heir of the revolter" (read, herself) and the rest comes to our heir.
Long live... god damnit. When the fuck did you pick up Incapable, you asshole? Aaargh, this can't stand. Plus, I'm still missing all that Cluny money, which is currently with Manass?s, who has taken refuge with the Knights Hospitalier. Time for stabbings!
Fuck. Ran out of money and got stabbed on the counter-assassination.
Alright, that's better. So, now we're playing as a two year old kinslayer. Well, at least he's got loadsamoney and is in line to inherit the kingdom of Sicily. I don't have a clue what I'm going to do when I inherit Sicily, by the way. I completely fucked up my own inheritance - I never planned to be playing as Ebbon, he was just some fuck I married away to try and get my dynasty on another throne. This entire thing just got a whole lot more interesting.
Next time: We finish up on the first stages of "the plan" and go bash some fucking heads in. Also, maybe some HRE fuckery.