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Not The One At The Top, Not The One That Writes History... Yet: Part XV - I Have Become France, Destroyer Of Empires: Part One (1193 - 1200)
My, France, how much you've grown. And that is only the beginning, we've still got a lot more growing to do!
Also, here's Sicily in all its glory. Let's hope Orson the Bastard turns out well.
Our old republic leader dies, and the replacement instantly makes it clear that republics are a definite hotbed for a king. You've definitely got to watch your step with these guys, especially since gifts scale with income (ever tried to bribe the Pope? Fucking hell) and as such are exorbitant for republics.
Ebbon is turning out fairly well, all things considered. Good traits, alright stats.
I was thinking about going crusading to pick up the trait, but considering these numbers I don't really want to. Then again, I could have probably pulled off a road trip... oh well.
I get bored and shop around using the Character Finder. Once you grow a certain size, you can pretty easily assemble an awesome council from the world over.
Then, in '94, this pops up! Turns out I completely forgot being a vassal means that my liege can use me as a commander.
And there we go, Crusader trait picked up! That was easier than I thought.
And looking back to the crusade location reveals that the Emperor very much turned the tides.
It's a shame he does, because that means the war will last longer and we can't revolt while we're at war.
'95 rolls around, and what?
What?
...well, then. This seems to be a take on the Shepherds' Crusade undertaken by the Master of Hungary (an old monk who reportedly could speak any language) in 1251, an attempt to head to the Holy Land and rescue the captured Louis IX of France which devolved into what was essentially a revolt against nobility and clergy, represented here with the Depose Ruler CB.
Of course, it's just a glorified peasant revolt, and as such, it falls over once you sneeze on it.
I completely lose track of time and the duchess of Orleans already came of age, married, and celebrated five more birthdays before I noticed. I'm the best ruler. 
Least she got herself a Lustful guy, so that should solve that problem.
A few months pass, '96 hits, and the Shepherds' Crusade is the most pathetic thing I've EVER seen in any CK2 game. Shit, any Paradox game period. The Emperor has not even attacked yet. These losses were from peasant armies charging at an army that just happened to be standing there and losing terribly. What the fuck, guys? I guess since the real one failed terribly, the recreations are set up to fail and they're more of a little interesting tidbit.
The real crusade succeeds, and it's a complete fucking mess. Shouldn't Crusades actually attack every Muslim country that holds land in the de jure kingdom and generally be a lot bigger? It seems wrong that it works this way.
Anyway, it's time.
Of course he's not just going to give up, he thinks he's got the numbers advantage. Oh, how wrong he is...
We're pretty much alone in this crusade. The only one that came along was the one-province duchess of Th?ringen.
But that doesn't matter, because we have the most powerful ally of all: LOADSAMONEY. Mercs nearly double our numbers.
We make a straight break for the Emperor's capital, since that might give us the lucky break of capturing him.
The best motherfucking event ever fires and we get rid of Kinslayer for a pittance.
In '97, the Emperor's armies arrive and start going for one of ours. Don't do it, man... I'm just going to cancel the siege of the second one, then crush you with superior numbers...
You didn't listen...
...and now you have to live with the consequences. Fucknut.
I completely forgot to do the tutor switch trick on Ebbon, but it didn't matter at all because the "fuck the teacher, I'm going for something completely different" education choice fired. Ugh, level 3 Learning... the fact that it could have gone worse pisses me off even more.
'98 rolls around, and the Emperor finally gives up. But this was only the beginning.
A few months pass, and in response to our successful revolt, two new revolts spring up! I think both of them were for different claimants.
This one's pretty pathetic, all things considered - just two dukes?
This one's a bit more impressive, with a strong king and two dukes along for the ride. Still, it wouldn't have a lick of a chance if we didn't smash the Emperor's armies in our revolt.
Is that a new faction to lower CA? Don't mind if I join!
This is just insult to injury, really.
The shit gets so ridiculous the Emperor finally decides "Alright, fuck this shit, I'm out. If you want to be Emperor, then go right ahead!".
This change eventually shuffles us to the leadership position for the faction, and it also means that the truce ran out...
Let's dance, sunshine.
YES! UNLIMITED POWER!
Who cares about losses? Not me! Keep sieging!
Who cares about losses? NOT ME! KEEP ASSAULTING!
MORE ASSAULTS!
And that's that. That Emperor fucker better know his place now - it's France first, the Empire second at this point. This one barely took a year - 1200 just started.
A faction that could potentially reset the truce and allow me to go for a third lowering in a row?
DON'T MIND IF I DO!
After this chaos, I go shopping for Pope claims, and once again come up with a potential target.
The Pope is also willing to play along for now...
...so let's get this show on the road. Hop to it, we've got many more wars to wage!
Heinrich here also hops to it, although he'll have to do it without our support now that we're embroiled in a war. The poor sod got completely fucked over in this case, but maybe he'll be able to pull something out with the Empire in total turmoil.
The Pope money returns are getting bigger and bigger. Seems like everything's going just fine...
God damnit.
Next time: Stabbings. Lots of 'em. Nothing much else.