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Not The One At The Top, Not The One That Writes History... Yet: Part XVII - I Have Become France, Destroyer Of Empires: Part Two (1204 - 1219)
Update soundtrack.
So, last time we got ourselves into a bit of a pickle, as the current heir to the duchies of Anjou and Berry is the duke of Provence, meaning that on inheritance, the titles would pass out of our realm (if my grasp of the mechanics is correct). How do we solve that problem?
Claimants, of course. If the heir doesn't hold the title anymore, then he'll end up at the court of the current duchess and will stay with us.
Family ties drag the duchess into combat with us, which works just fine for us, since that means we can smash her armies up and impede her progress in claiming the duchy of Champagne.
Family ties also drag us into this rebellion here, but it should be easily dealt with even without our interference.
We also get dragged into a war against England over our territory...
...but the Kaiser is on the ball.
Oh, Orson, you miserable sod. He's currently being attacked from two different sides (alongside the two wars we're in right now - the English one already ended) and is trying to siege back his province with the few troops he's got left. However, I have no sympathy for him because I GAVE YOU MONEY FOR MERCENARIES YOU DUMB SHIT FUCKING USE IT.
The war for Provence ends in our favor in '07, and the succession for Anjou and Berry is officially secured.
Wait, what?
...why did that happen? Why is he my vassal now? Eh, whatever, it's a free duchy, let's not question it.
We could now form the kingdom of Burgundy, but I'm holding off on getting more crowns until I get enough CA to get to Primogeniture or get ready to form Francia - I don't want to deal with multiple kingdoms on Elective, that's bound to fuck me over some time in the future.
Once again, my Chancellor inherits a title and leaves my court. God damnit, why does this keep happening?
Anyway, we've got a de jure claim to press, so let's get going.
...ugh. Don't you hate it when that happens? Just because the duke died the whole war gets reset. Why does that happen, anyway? The situation hasn't changed, the duke still has a de jure claim, and this doesn't happen when you're pressing a personal claim and die.
Oh well, it's not like it's that big an issue, I'll just re-do it. These knights are really kicking ass out there.
The duchess of Anjou was plotting something, so I attempted to make an arrest and luckily failed. This could give me an easy out to our megaduke problem.
We split up our forces and play the waiting game...
...and in '10, both wars end in our favor.
Now, I'm not sure what happened here. I thought that you normally only got one free revokation on rebels, but for some reason, the game just kept letting me take titles from her until she had none left. I think some sort of bug ensued here, but I'm not going to complain.
Both titles are once again handed out to Content folks, as is the rule.
I attempt to make a play for Gascogne via Pope claim, but getting the necessary asshole onto the throne isn't happening right now. Consider it on the backburner.
Instead, we get a claim for the duchy of Upper Lorraine in '11. Not actually important in our goal of forming Francia, but "Land is Good: +++". Why did we get this claim?
Looks like we weren't the only ones to engage in a bit of kinslaying. And the poor fuck is Inbred, too.
The war is a complete formality, and we put the guy out of his misery in '11.
Now, we don't actually get a county with this duchy, so we can't just give it to anybody we want, but thankfully, we find this gem of a kid in one of the de jure counties. I give him the duchy and take him under my wing to really ensure good relations.
Once again, dodgy HRE inheritances and wars have led to a county being out of our reach, so we go pick on the duke of Bavaria.
However, he can actually bring some friends along. So, you want to play?
Let's play, motherfucker.
Meanwhile, we hit the jackpot with Duke Martin here and convert him to our culture. This guy isn't ever going to cause any problems.
The duke of Bavaria and his allies get thoroughly shit on and surrender in '14. At this point, we're just bullying people for their land.
At this point, I feel secure enough in the current reign that I ramp CA up to Medium. Only one more and we'll be in reach of Primogeniture!
The Mongols make their presence felt in '16. The Mongols... man, have I seriously been playing this long? Most of my games never make it this far, they end either through boredom, bugs or other shenanigans - doing an LP is really giving me a reason to keep continuing and finding ways to fuck around with the system.
Speaking of fucking with the system, we currently are the strongest power in the HRE by a very long shot and can raise half of the levies the Emperor himself can raise. It's no "personally make up about 150~200% of the levies the Emperor could raise because Republics and their retinues are OP as shit and have the Emperor on a leash" I had in my HIP Republic of Hamburg game where the HRE is actually weakened to a more realistic degree, but it's still a very good position.
Once again, another claim is granted, this time on Susa. Once again, not part of de jure Francia, but when you play the Pope claim game, you take what you can get.
We declare war...
...and the game bugs out again. God damnit. This time, it seems like the game is stuck in me pressing the "zoom in" button - you can see it still depressed, but my mouse is actually in the middle of the screen (where the tooltip is). I can still select and move troops, but I can't press any buttons (including the "save game" ones). Fuckshits. At least it's only the 25th of February, so I didn't lose that much progress.
Reload ensues, and this time around, the Pope dies before he can give me the claim. Literally. One day before his response would have arrived, he dies, and the response dies with him. What the fuck.
I forget to tutor switch, and our heir picks up the level 2 Learning education and is generally kinda shit. I am the best ruler. 
The Mongols actually show up, and I'm really hoping they don't actually make it to the HRE, because if they do, I'm leaving that sinking ship ASAP.
It begins.
We use the rebellion to our advantage...
...and the Emperor gives in without a fight.
Sadly, this also lowered our own CA. Kind of fucks with my plans a bit, but whatever, it's not that big a deal.
Raising my relations with the Pope takes time, and in '18 I realize that the duke of Susa ended up with positive relations with the Pope, but his heir should end up with negative relations, so, time for stabbings.
Barely two weeks have passed since starting the plot, and it's already revealed. I think that's a personal record.
It continues.
While waiting for the plot to succeed, I check up on the current HRE fuckery status. Fuckery levels are deemed insufficient - CA still too high, succession law still not Elective. Make plans to dispose more fuckery.
The duke kicks the bucket, and in an incredible display of luck, he somehow picked up the duchy of Dauphine in the meantime, which also now falls to his son. Dauphine is actually de jure Francia, so claiming that would be great, not to mention claiming two duchies instead of one is always good.
A quick check with the Pope shows that indeed, the new duke has negative relations with him. All we need to do now is raise our relations to 100, and away we go!
We also get swept up in the rebellion shenanigans...
...but I don't think it's a high priority issue.
It continues further.
Once again, this is just insult to injury.
Claims for both Susa and Dauphine are gained...
...but I'll be damned if I want to venture down there right now. Shit looks dangerous. Still, it's kind of boring just waiting, and I don't like Pisa sieging my stuff... hm, I think I have a solution.
Yes, that will do nicely.
As expected.
...
Take a good hard look at that picture. That is what you should be striving for as a vassal. Your liege is not your friend. Your liege is your temporary provider who keeps you safe from outside threats while you gobble up the other sods that thought they'd be safe in his realm. Your liege is to be fucked with at every opportunity. Make your liege regret the day he ever accepted you into his realm. Reduce him to a pile of revolts and eternal war. As a vassal, you feed off chaos. You feed off a weak liege. A stable realm is a stagnant realm, and it is a realm where you don't expand in. Remember that and the two rules of "know the mechanics" and "keep your cool", and you'll do just fine as a vassal.
Next time: The final stage of fuckery.