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Scenario ?1
The Heterosexual Agenda

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Through careful inspection, Fighter found a hidden passageway within the holy sanctuary, Reitel. Curious where the path could lead, the companions decided to explore. As they emerged from the end of the passage, they were greeted by mysterious, male statues, shiny with Vaseline. The statues, flexing as though their muscles would crack the granite from which they were carved, drew looks of awe from the ladies... Suddenly, a mysterious voice boomed from the distance... "You boys need to pump up if you hope to win!"







I change up the equipment a little to increase AT & DF and given Hein a brand new pair of Swift Boots - so he can maneuver and spell spam like a champ.



Let's not mince words, this map is hard. The monsters aren't such a big deal but the Anikis are all hard bodies - very hard bodies. There are three bosses at the center and we'll go over them but first let's discuss strategy. We should focus on defeat in detail - taking out the enemies one at a time, concentrating our forces and power to take out the Aniki one by one. It'll be a timely and effective measure, but it'll be worth it. Let's look at the bosses.







Here they are Adon, Sampson & the leader of the Aniki, Varan. They are strong, like Fighter level strong but fortunately, we have a troop affinity advantage over them with our cavalry and fliers. They will definitely need to be taken apart with spells and patience. This will be a long, hard and body pumping fight. It will be all about manliness, guts and the power of brotherhood. Nothing suss.

Now let us discuss what this secret scenario is all about... for if you remember the remake of this game was done by Masaya who also developed an excellent series by the name of Cho Aniki. It is... well... Luisfe has done some excellent LPs... you really need to see it to understand. Basically, it is a brawler/shmup series where is the way.

Cho Aniki LP
Cho Aniki: Bakuretsu Rantouden LP
Ai Cho Aniki! Hoo! Hah! LP
Cho Aniki:Kyukyuoku Muteki Ginga Saikyo LP

Some of these LP links may require archives. And just for a taste, look at some of this shit:



That's some of the player characters... which include a goddamn battleship/woman hybrid thing amongst the muscular men, so yeah, just go look at those LPs if you want to know more. In any case, what matters to us is that the Cho Aniki brothers Adon, Samson & Varan are our foes and we must prove our muscular worth to them through sweaty, hot combat action. Let us Sortie out!



Is this the Muscular Shrine?

Err, Fighter. I don't think we should investigate further...

I agree with Hein. While we're hanging around the Imperial Army could retrieve the Holy Blade.

Aha! Something new from this update, an alternate name for Langrisser is the Holy Blade! This update adds to the plot!

Aaaahh-! What is this?







Note for those of you not playing at home - every time the Aniki talk, the screen flashes white.

Sampson! You should train your body more!

Sorry, big brother!

Welcome to the Muscular Shrine! Huuhn huuh!

We've been waiting for you! Aaahhh hyah!

I'm sorry, but you have to die here.
We'll escape this cave and conquer the world with love and muscles! Hooo ho yaahhh!

What the hell! Fighter, they're going to try and take over the world if we don't do something!

You're right. We can't have these guys messing with things. Everyone, let's go!

Welcome to the Heterosexual Agenda, dear goons. We mustn't let those guys "mess things up" for all of us "normal" El Sallains. The Empire was bad enough but clearly the threat of the Aniki who have been locked up in a cave beneath a holy sanctuary is clearly fair greater than that of the rapidly expanding Empire which claims a large amount of El Sallia as its territory. This will not stand. The Aniki must be defeated with the powers of apathy and atrophy. To arms!

Or we could not... and say we did?

Or there's that option.



Hein starts us off... though I'm beginning to regret decision to split my forces and not go with the original plan...



Fighter, however, shows his prowess as expected.







Multiple the above by 3~



Here's how Turn 1 ends, with some damage dealt but I worry about Hein's men. Here's hoping the Aniki's are too... filled with love, to take advantage of me.



Now it's our turn! Apostles of Aniki, go! Hunn huuh!

Yeah!



Ouch, I really can't leave any of my dudes open or these Aniki will just slaughter them. Thank goodness they're only commanders and not minion units cause otherwise I'd be so screwed. Cherie & Keith are gonna be pulling Aniki slaying duties, so that others can focus on taking out the minions. That's the plan at least. For now though, Fighter should take out that Aniki on his side.









Level up!

Holy shit these guys aren't messing around - I'mma need to keep Fighter healed if I want to keep this kind of action up. Still, first Aniki down - many to go. We can do this - LOVE, FRIENDSHIP AND MUSCLES! Also, heals from Liana & I think I'll need to get Valkyrie out next turn. Hein burns 'em up and his monks get another kill.





The West is clear of one Aniki and his Wolfmen, but the East is full of Gels who are hurt from Hein's fireball. This is still working out alright... so far. Turn 2 is done.







Pump it up!

These Aniki... they hurt. I really need to bring the pain harder and faster.





Valkyrie is a decent summon, she's a flier, strong (36 AT, 20 DF) and knows two spells - Quick (increases Mv for one unit) and Fireball. It's basically like having another commander on the field who also benefits from Liana's aura, if you do want her to fight. With two Fireballs, it should work out well to kill off some Gels. Speaking of Fireball, Hein gets another on in.



You'll never leave a scratch on my perfectly honed body!





Hein takes the slow but steady approach, it will pay dividends over time especially once Valkyrie gets here. Fighter takes out some more lycanthropes but I take care to avoid putting a pikeman in danger to the Aniki by surrounding him with Faeries. Nothing suss.





The above times 2, very good work going on here.

Turn 3 was fabulous, let's see what Turn 4 has in store. Lots more Fighter action, no doubt - sweaty and glorious. The Aniki do nothing on their turn and thank goodness for that.











That's two... we're going well on the Western front but we'll need to spend time healing and regrouping. The Eastern front is about to get some support from the Valkyrie - should be able to fold these brothers soon. Fighter heals us up and gains a level.

Level up! DF+1, Class Change!



The thread voted for High Lord, though I personally would have preferred Swordsman due to the fact this is meant to be "I like swords" Fighter. But oh well, Axes High! Time to rain down some fireballs.





Level up! AT+1, DF+1, MP+1

The Valkyrie's fireball, sets up two Gels for Hein's fireball. He would definitely make a cute einherjar, don't you think? Some clean up needs to be done but otherwise this is quite a successful turn.









As you can see, the Gels are hurt and the Aniki are reeling from our constant assaults for the Heterosexual Agenda. Praise to Adam & Eve... not Adam & Steve! Turn 4 is out of the closet and its not gonna go back in anymore. The enemy keep it in their pants, so we're back onto Turn 5 - which starts off with a bang, thanks to Hein.





Hein, Hein, the fireball king,
wherever he goes the gentlemen sing,
"Oh Hein, with your balls so fiery and red,
what would it take to have you in my bed?"
Hein, Hein, don't run away,
we can talk about balls another day~

Ahem, Valkyrie also does a Fireball with a less damaging effect. Rohga & Cherie then follow up and take out the rest of the rabble.





Level up! DF+1











Nooo!



So yeah, Rohga and his band of sweaty, oiled up Barbarians with an major axe to grind, go to town on these Aniki wannabes. Truly it is only friendship forged through battle is the right way to stop the madness of these muscle-loving gentlemen. We have now done it, both the East and West sides are clear of the initial Aniki.

Now it's just a matter of taking out the 2 remaining generic Aniki without attracting Varan, Adon or Sampson's attention. Fortunately both of them seem to have Ghosts and both, Liana and Hein are keen to showcase their exorcism skills. Turn 5 is so passe now.





Err... I have a bad feeling...

Hey, little boy there! You look too much like a puny little girly man!
Give me twenty push-ups and fifteen sit-ups when you're done with those! Come on! Four laps, up and down the stairs!

I can't understand a word he's saying...

Hein - avoiding all forms of exercise since forever

It's the language of brotherly love and muscles.
If you keep working on that figure, maybe you'll be manly enough to make it out!





That was a Force Heal which all the boss Aniki know, as Hein did damage a ghost with his last fireball. But so MANLY and SPARKLES! UNGH! And when we move Fighter up, to start engaging with the next generic Aniki. Otherwise nothing else of interest happens this turn, so let's stick with the Aniki music for now.

Oooohh... You're not too bad, boys!



Okay, big brother.

Sexy Beam? I don't know what it is, but sounds like nothing but trouble!

Hurry! We have to stop them before they can fire it!

Once again, the Heterosexual Agenda aims to repress all forms of sexuality that doesn't fit in with it's own proscribed norms. That or the Sexy Beam is just a euphemism for something else... Hence they don't want it firing in their faces.



Sexy Beam energy charge initiated.





Much like how Liana delivers the beatdown on monsters - the Valkyrie does the same, even on her lonesome. Brilliant!



We're now encroaching on the final Anikis, trying valiantly to stop the Sexy Beam from firing. Turn 7 sent to heaven.



Sexy Beam energy charged to one-hundred twenty eight percent and counting!

What the hell! It's one-hundred twenty eight percent from the very start!? No way!







Level up! MP+1

Hein does great work - 5 ghosts at once, maybe he'll get a class change, maybe not. We'll see.





Level up! AT+1, DF+1









Keith does some great work, since Liana is lagging behind. Fighter moves in for the kill.









Here's the situation at the moment, we've got one generic Aniki left and only the three brothers and their men left. Valkyrie has been chipping away at Sampson's Golems, it's been going well. We might be done here before the Sexy Beam fires... but then again there are secret tiles which I must have... so maybe not.





That sounds bad...!











We lose one pikeman and Varan and Sampson heal up their brothers. This is gonna be a huge turn.



Liana & Fighter heal up, next turn he'll bring the pain. Keith goes for some more cleanup - but we can't get that Fairy out from the Golem trap... it'll probably die next enemy turn. Damn it, Oberon - you have to live!





Hein and Valkyrie put the hurt on the Aniki bosses, though I wish they did more damage to the Golems... alas.





At this rate, we should win through attrition and bold strikes from the West, though Cherie will be swooping in from the East to target Anikis as best she can. It'll be a moment to cherish, the tomboy beating away all the sexy boys. Turn 9 was sublime. And yes, I'm in a rhyming mood today, it's alright in small dosages.















Again, yes the enemies can level up and GOLEMS ARE THE WORST! We lose two more pikemen, Danved and Devdan but I now know to keep my Pikes out of the line of fire and just utilize Fighter given his power and affinity bonus against Golems.





I make a breakthrough to save Oberon and move Keith up to secret tile #1.



Will you touch it?
Yes No



Obtained Rune Stone.

That's two of those precious stones acquired! We can do both Fighter & Hein eventually! We throw out two Fireballs as per standard operating procedure and move Cherie in to take out the last generic Aniki.













Success! Though, I had to cover up Cheries' wounded troopers with Monks, but I worry the Golems will smash through them since they have no boost from Hein. Hopefully, by having them wounded will keep me safe but I can't help but worry. We're so close to winning this... Turn 10 is done.











Uuuhnnn hah!

No! Don't come near me!

Nice body! I'm Sampson!







Blast! A trooper & a monk were killed by those DAMNABLE MUSCLE GOLEMS... I'm sorry, Oscar & Rhys. You will be avenged. But first, secret tiles!





Will you taste some?
Yes No



DF raised by 1.

Keith goes to kill that lone Golem. It... doesn't go well.









Hein Fireballs up Sampson & Varan again. Valkyrie being my only disposable minion goes in for the kill.





Level up! AT+1, DF+1



It's another good turn, though I worry what the future will bring. I have two more secret tiles to nab, but I can attempt to reduce the enemy forces as much as possible. We're so close now, so close to the climax now.





This is it! Everyone, run for cover! There's no telling what their Sexy Beam will do.





Adon and Varan just... blow up. Going out in a blaze of glory, before the inevitable destruction at the hands of the HMS Fighter.

What just happened? He... self-destructed?

They posed in the same position for so long that their veins snapped... Or something like that...

Liana, you're coming up with that answer pretty fast. Is there something you want to tell us about...?





Is that all...? So this is the end of the Aniki's ambition. Their conquest of the world was over before it even began. I am still wondering about that Sexy Beam...

Fighter. I told you coming here would just be a waste of our time!

At any rate... It is time to be on our way. Let us never speak of this again.

All's well, that ends well - our Heterosexual Agenda heroes can return to blissful ignorance about alternative lifestyles and continue to reinforce the current social structures upon all of mankind.



Well... that was a thing. The secret stage is done, we get money for every single Aniki as they all count as being destroyed and I feel bad for missing two secret tiles - I'll show them off in an extra update - there's also a lot of bonus dialogue that's pretty funny too. I still don't think I'll be able to beat Varan with Fighter's party unless I had more than 11 turns to play with, unfortunately.

But I'll still give it another a shot, because why not? I hope you enjoyed this update as I tried a few different things to match the feel of this stage - let me know if you liked it or hated it or just want to forget the whole thing ever happened, like our brave heroes.