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Let's Antagonize IVAN
Part 4: Alas, earwax
Screamy IV died an unremarkable death to a zombie. Screamy V, however...
...has found a lamp. In the lamp was a genie. Now we wish for a scroll of change material.
This is one of the best, and most abusable, items in the entire game. I will show you the worst form of Change Material abuse as soon as we can find a relatively uncommon item that-
Oh, nevermind. This is what we need. This large chest will raise us up to godhood.
Er, as soon as we figure out how to get it somewhere safe.
By alternately kicking it down hallways and picking it up to heave it clumsily around corners, we finally manage to negotiate the egregiously heavy chest into a closed room next to the stairs. This is about as safe as we're going to get. This thing is wayyyyy too heavy to carry out of here.
We pick up the big-ass chest, recite our scroll of change material, and turn it into ommel cerumen. All of the other stat-boosting consumable ommel materials are forbidden from being chosen for Change Material, but due to an oversight, ommel cerumen is allowed - and because it wasn't meant to be allowed in the first place, it has no Intelligence requirement.
We just turned our 120000 weight large chest into a 120000 weight chest-shaped block of ommel earwax. That's a gigantic fuckoff stack of edible intelligence and wisdom.
There's no way in fuck anyone can eat this much of anything, let alone earwax, in one sitting without getting sick as hell, so we repeatedly vomit all over ourselves. We're nowhere near done eating our big box of smartness, and we're already completely covered in barf.
Whoops, we're melting. I thought our cloak of acid resistance would be enough to protect us from the vomit singularity, but apparently not. Also, our alignment has dropped from mildly lawful to neutral. Vomiting is a slightly chaotic act, and each individual instance of vomiting in our puking spree is lowering our alignment a little and mildly annoying the non-chaotic gods. We were in good with Silva and Dulcis before, but they might be pretty mad at us after this. Who can blame them? I don't even want to imagine how we smell saturated in bile and semi-digested earwax.
Looks like 59 is the highest our intelligence and wisdom can go from eating earwax. For reference, Valpurium, the strongest and rarest non-debug equipment material in the game, requires 40 intelligence to manipulate using scrolls. We now have a Lovecraftian, all-knowing intellect. Unfortunately all that puking seems to have deteriorated our physical strength a bit. Let's lug what's left of the Brain Chest back to town and see if anyone wants to buy it.
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We sell Heathbar his own scrolls for a while, and buy all his books of Loricatus, Silva, and Dulcis. Hopefully they like us again.
Well, Loricatus seems rather pleased with us. We're good, we didn't puke enough to infuriate our bros. That or we did, but our nightmarishly high Wisdom made it trivially easy to placate them due to its influence on the effectiveness of praying.
What the hell? I've never seen this before. Resting on it seems to heal us faster than usual. Cool.
Shit. This werewolf just bit off our whippin' arm. We pray to Dulcis and get an arm made out of... cloth. 
We still end up having to flee, because that goddamn werewolf is kicking our ass now that we're panicked and can't fight back. After a healing nap on the fancy bed, we discover that we are not noticeably hungrier despite the time that has passed. Our earwax binge appears to have functionally rendered us permanently overfed, and more or less incapable of eating without vomiting. I guess we've transcended banana kicking. This does make drinking potions a little annoying, though.
We use one of our scrolls of harden material on our shitty cloth arm, since it's so weak it can't wield our whip properly. It is now made of angel hair. Holy fuck, look what that did to our stats! 
It has a positive influence on our lethality with our trusty whip, too
Ah. There's that legendary IVAN balancing. IVAN is angry with us. We've broken the Rules. We've taken things into our own hands, and now we must be Punished. We pull out one of our teleport wands, zap Rondol away, and head back to Attnam to fix our gear. Not today, IVAN.
Not today.