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Episode I: Meet My Fans
Music: The Prelude (Recommended listening for the worst remix of the Prelude theme.)
Okay, all that shit before? Forget it. That was from like the end of the game a bajillion updates from now. We instead open the game proper on a crowd of young people doing whatever it is teenagers do in fantasy cities. Raising the roof seems to be a fairly popular activity, at least.
A fellow rushes in from the east and gestures like he's yelling something to the crowd, but doesn't actually speak. Is he a mute? Was his dialogue drowned out over that dreadful remix of the Final Fantasy Prelude theme? We may never know the truth...
Nevertheless, the crowd decides to run off in search of whatever Greenpants McWedgie's wordless siren song beckoned.
Oh yeah. A ghost child tags along not far behind. That is probably worth mentioning...
Soon after a man struts in on screen wearing bright yellow high-top sneakers and shorts with mismatched lengths.
We've yet to get a good look at this jerk's full outfit yet, but just the lower half is enough to declare it thoroughly idiotic.
In any case, it seems the crowd from earlier had come to meet him. He seems to be a popular guy amongst the stupidly dressed youth of the city. I really hope that person in the lower right corner is just a ripped athletic tall chick wearing that tiny shirt and bike helmet.
And with a full crowd of fist pumping and roof raising to celebrate, we finally get to <briefly> play the game.
And by "play the game" I mean "walk twenty feet to the next cutscene". Speaking of cutscenes, Final Fantasy X was produced in the dark early ages of ye olde console generations of yore before cutscenes were a skippable thing. So buckle up, there's no getting out of this shit!
Our hero decides to investigate the two ladies to his left...
"Of course!"
So we now get to enter our protagonist's name. His default canonical title is "Tidus". This is apparently supposed to be pronounced "tee-das" but that is dumb. People who say it like that are dumb. Original glorious Nippon intent or whatever the hell can shove it.
It's pretty rare nowadays for developers to allow the player to name non-silent protagonists in games with heavy voice acting. Mostly because it means you're not allowed to ever use the protagonist's name in the script (unless you cheat and give 'em an unalterable last name like Shepard.) Yeah, you could do it in NIER. But NIER was a fairly well written game and the fact nobody said the main character’s name wasn’t particularly noticeable at all.
This is not a well written game. The fact nobody ever says Tidus’ name will be handled in a variety of extremely ham-fisted methods. That all said, we’re sticking with Tidus because the guy looks like a Tidus. Which is to say kind of a moron. Sorry if I’ve offended any Tiduses out there. It’s been nearly 15 years since FFX. I’m sure some jackass has named their kid Tidus by now.
Tidus signs his name and hands back the ball...
So I guess Tidus here is some manner of ball player athlete? Or this world just has really bizarre memo pads. Regardless, the other fangirl hands over a ball as well for signing with Tidus‘ invisible pen...
“Nothing to worry about. Oh, if I score a goal...”
"That will mean it was for you, okay?”
*giggle*
“What seat?"
"East block, in the front row!“
“Fifth from the right!"
<Aww yeah. Post victory groupie hummer for the T-Dawg!>
Tidus talks to the redhead girl again...
“You bet!”
“Great! I know this great place!”
”I know a better place... Here, lemme see that ball again. I’ll jot it down.”
*scribble* “Here ya go.”
“Thanks! Hmm... ‘Bathroom behind the east block concession stands...third stall...’ Huh...?”
“Hehehe. See ya after the game...”
Alright. That’s one band of groupies down. Let’s try the other.
*signs* "No prob!"
”I mean this is usually 50 Gil a pop. But I’m feeling generous today.”
*signs* "Alrighty."
"Me, too!"
*signs* “Alright. Remember, kiddos. If I see this on auction at Zbay, the next signature is getting crammed up your backend, got it?”
Tidus talks to the kids again...
”It’s called a ‘house boat‘, kiddie. And I’ve got like three of ‘em in the harbor. This is just my weekends house boat. Yeaaaaah. Ain’t easy being so great.”
After speaking with everyone in the crowd...
“...two, three!”
”Man, how old are you kids? Well, usually I start with a good old fashioned keg stand just to kick things off with a bang. Then maybe do a line off some fine ti--”
“...BlitzBALL.”
“OH! Right... That makes a bit more sense. Wait, what am I talking about...?”
“Hey, I got a game to play!"
"Then teach us after!"
”Maybe. And by ‘teach’ I mean ‘let you watch’. And by ‘let’ I mean ‘bring a month’s advance of allowance from your parents to get in the door' and I won’t have security drag you off right away.”
“Mmm’kay! So...”
"Maybe tonight...um...well..."
"You can't tonight."
”Eh? Oh... right. Duh! I’ve got umm... post game... ball... 'maintenance' to do tonight.”
*finger snap to point*
“Teehee.”
“Thanks, creepy kid.”
“No prob.”
"I mean...tomorrow."
"Promise?"
"Promise!"
In honor of Tidus’ vow, the kids perform the worst rendition of the Macarena I have ever seen. Welp, enough of this crap. We’ve got a vague game of some sorts involving Katamari balls to play...
Music: Tidus' Theme
So welcome to the sprawling fantasy metropolis of Zanarkand. A city with an acute fondness for phallic towers, extremely high pathways, and waterfalls. You do NOT want to even know the cost of maintaining a skyscraper sized water fountain in today's economy.
We join Tidus taking a stroll down the middle of the highway some indeterminable amount of time later. You’d think a star athlete wouldn’t have to huff it on foot across the city to reach a sporting event. But Final Fantasy X, if nothing, is a game about walking places. It may very well have been the king of walking to joints until Final Fantasy XIII, the pro corridor hiking simulator, dethroned it.
Tidus pre-game power walk is interrupted when he takes notice of a Jumbotron plastered on the side of one of the buildings. The screen displays what appears to be Rambo Big Brother is Watching You.
In response to this, Tidus gives the inanimate portrait his best fish face before huffing off. Why such disdain for Rambo Big Brother? Well, we’ll find out soon enough. No, fuck YOU dad!
Any text in italics in-game indicates someone is narrating. Universally, Tidus will be our narrator for this tale. Except for here, where an unknown announcer takes up the reins while we move Tidus down the highway. I’m not sure if the voice is supposed to be coming from the Jumbotron or if they just couldn’t think of a better way to squeeze in a bit of awkward exposition. But let’s see what he has to say anyway...
“My dad must have been his biggest fan. I knew how sad he'd be. Heck, we all were that day. 'Zanar,' I says to myself. 'What are you thinking?' I went running straight back home. We sat up talking 'bout Jecht all night. My dad and I never talked so much.”
”But then the booze started flowing since he’d bet his entire fortune on the Abes and before you know it the belt came off and... Oh hell, is this mic on...?!”
“Whoa... Didn't mean to reminisce, folks. Anyway... Ten years later, the Jecht Memorial Cup tournament is today! The two teams that have won through to the finals are...of course, the Abes from A-East, and the Duggles from C-South. I know there's a lot of people out there today to see the star of the Abes! In just one year, he's become the team's number one player! He's Jecht's blood, and the new hope for blitzball! What kind of super play will he show us today? Will we see his father's legendary shot? I don't think I'm the only one excited here, folks!”
”Let’s all root for T...eddy? Linus...? Midas? Damn I’m terrible with names... The star player of the Zanarkand Abes... Err... Jecht’s son!”
Tidus, whether too lazy to walk around to the player’s entrance to the stadium or just keen on being molested by dozens of adoring fans on his way to the game, pushes his way through a huge crowd shuffling into the Blitzball Arena.
So, what is this “blitzball”, you ask? Well, we’ll find out. All in good time...
Video: Episode 1 Highlight Reel
Tidus CG Render - Tetsuya Nomura’s instructions on designing this character is just a post-it note reading “draw a total douchebag”. I believe he succeeded.
Tidus' House Boat Concept Art - Pretty swanky.
Early Zanarkand Concept Art - Fun fact: Early in the development cycle Zanarkand was called "Registan". Both names are derived Samarkand, a city in Uzbekistan. This has nothing to do with anything in Final Fantasy X. But hey, useless trivia is always fun.