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Episode XXV: My God...
Music: Blitzball Gamblers
"He shoots aaaaaand... GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! Unbelievable! And it's half-time."
Hey Asian Tidus Stunt Double. How's it hangin'?
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the day we've all been waiting for!"
Welcome to Luca. It seems the place is jam packed with visitors here for the big blitzball tournament. How has a relatively large urban center gone unscathed from random attacks by the roaming doom whale out in the sea, you ask? Well...
...
I have no idea. It's not even the biggest city in Spira. It.. really makes very little sense... Unless Yevon dumped a giant jumbotron sphere into the middle of the ocean so Sin can watch the big game and not feel obliged to make a personal visit to Luca.
"This even is sponsored by... Yevon."
"I'm not sure who else would sponsor it given Yevon is the only major organization of any sorts in Spira, but there you go, folks! Let's give 'em a big hand for making this possible!"
Two unseen announcers, Jimma and Bobba, will be narrating this next scene for us...
"This would be dock number 2."
"High Summoner Ohalland used to play for them -- a big name to live up to."
"Yes, most of their village was wiped out and many of their loved ones' lives viciously snuffed out just a couple days ago."
"That's always rotten luck before a game."
"Yes, Bobba. They're going to be pulling out all the stops to try and bring back the cup this year."
"Exciting, isn't it, folks? Our next team off the ramp is... Well, well, well! If it isn't the Besaid Aurochs!"
"That's right! In twenty-three years they've never made it past the first round!"
"As I remember, one year they didn't even make it that far."
"Right you are, Jimma. The ferry carrying the team was destroyed en route from Besaid by Sin. Everyone on board was lost at sea. Absolutely grisly!"
"Talk about adding insult to injury. Well, I guess we know what team Sin won't be rooting for."
"What the heck?! 23 YEARS?! Did Besaid get some kind of anti-blitzball curse put on it?!"
"Best of luck to them, and a safe journey back to Besaid."
"Right, Jimma. Moving right along, our next team is... "
"They've got power! They've got speed!" They've got teamwork!"
"And after the way they dominated last year, it'd take a miracle for them to lose today."
"Some say it is unfair for the team with the only functional blitzball stadium in all of Spira to compete. But we all know the naysayers just wish they were as good as the Luca Goers!"
"You can say that again, Jimma. Look at the crowd, folks! Look at the crowd!
"They know, I know, and you know, folks!"
Tidus seems rather worked up about the Goers getting all the fanfare while he's stuck on the blitzball equivalent of the Chicago Cubs.
"At least they actually mentioned us this year. Any publicity, eh?"
Tidus is having none of this crap and promptly mounts a nearby stack of crates armed with a megaphone he pulled directly out of his ass. I checked the footage for this scene. It literally just manifests itself from the ether between camera angles.
"Hehe Hehe! Ha-HAH!"
Some time later...
New Music: Luca
"We sure stood out, though!"
"We were on the sphere!"
"We were?"
"Well, the new guy was..."
"...Did you catch his name yet...?"
"No. Huh... Hey, new guy?"
"You talking to me?"
"Say, what's your na--"
"Already?"
"The number 3 dock!"
"Maester Mika has arrived, that's what!"
"Mika? Maester?"
”Little help here...?”
*sigh* “I’ll take this one...”
“He's come all the way from Bevelle. The tournament is being held to honor his fifty years as maester."
"Fifty years? Shouldn't he be, uh, retired by now?"
Wakka smacks Tidus...
”Oww! Hey. It’s not like I was making fun of him. I’m just saying that’s a crazy long time to be president or whatever this maester thing is.”
Sure, why not? I'm sure this is a once in a lifetime chance to see the major world religion's most holy of leaders in a JRPG. Those guys are always so elusive.
We're now give free reign to wander around Luca.
Haha! Just kidding. We can walk to the next screen over for more cutscenes and that is all.
"Can't see a thing!"
*walks over* "Shhhh!"
New Music: Welcome Elder Sage Mica
What in the flying fuck?!
Gaze on and despair at what Tetsuya Nomura has wrought...
"Who could it be?"
...
.....
..........
"...What in the actual fuck...?!"
Meet Fantasy Pope Yo Mika. I am just going to choose to ignore Seymour Guado for as long as I can. My brain still needs time to process a design that terrible.
Maester Mika walks down onto the dock and addresses the crowd...
"People of Spira, I thank you for your generous welcome. Rise, Maester Seymour. And all of you as well. I present to you...
“As some of you already know, he has been officially ordained a maester of Yevon."
Seymour speaks. He sounds exactly as fruity as you would expect...
“In life, my father Jyscal worked to foster friendship between man and Guado. I vow to carry on his legacy, and to fulfill my duties as maester to the best of my abilities.”
Everyone does the blitzball prayer, except for Tidus. He is no doubt dumbstruck by the sheer offense to the senses that is Seymour Guado’s entire being...
”Dude, are you even seeing this guy...?!”
Seymour and Mika prepare to leave. But not before...
...we discover Yuna may have dire taste in men.
Seymour departs...
<Is she blushing...? At THAT guy...?! You have GOT to be kidding me!>
“All right! Last meeting before the match! Hustle!”
Video: Episode 25 Highlight Reel (Recommended Viewing. If just for Seymour.)
Seymour Guado Official Art - Awful. Just... awful.