Toggle Background Color
Strong words: and prophetic? LET'S SEE....
SSNeoman posted:
Also I'm gonna cut the game off here and guess we're actually a guy irl
Nope! We are actually REASONABLY close to our avatar. Female, same weight range. Obviously we're much less fashionable, but it's not SO far off.
Our apartment is something else. Slime dripping off tables? Check. Bare, cracked floors? Check. Dusty sunlight filtering in through thick blinds? Check. It's like a PSA about MMORPGS in here.
So, while I think they might have profitably made Latha look a LITTLE more unkempt, I think this design works fine. Everything is super utilitarian - she doesn't HATE her physical body, she just has no use for it. No makeup, ponytail, etc.
We set off on our quest, so determined to get back online that we'll let nothing stand in our way...
Except, you know, the immutability of space. Yes, we're used to flying free in the Trance, unburdened by such plebian concerns as doors and their opening.
Ok, remembering how future doors work, WE SET OUT ON OUR QUEST....
Hm. 0 for 2. REMEMBERING OUR PASSWORD, WE SET OUT ON OUR EPIC QUEST...
Kind of a slow start for our heroine.
Well, as in many adventures, the first challenge is the simplest. How do we escape the familiar? Mundane? Can we summon the chutzpah to open our own door?
Is this a meta-commentary on how dependent the future has become on technology, almost helplessly so? No, of course not. We're going to use more technology to solve this.
LET'S GET TO IT
- "Password error", huh? I guess the door's broken, too...
- Contact - manager
- Calling ... Error. Unable to connect
(Note that this icon is actually her food dispenser, but I think it looks like a little wacky face, and so I choose it to represent the wireless intercom.)
((one also wonders how annoying it is to have a bunch of phrases you probably can't say out loud without the computer assuming you mean for it to do its thing. Like if you ever said "contact" and "manager" together in a sentence...))
- I'm... trapped?
That's what you get for mooching off the future dystopia!
She's a shut-in. Do you realize she's a shut-in? She's kind of a shut-in. Character traits so far: 1) shut-in. 2) helpless without technology
Now, behold, all the tutorial we're ever gonna get. Which is a shame, because this first puzzle requires us to use some non-standard adventure game moves RIGHT AWAY.
But for now, let's try out our LOOK and INTERACT on this floor grate. First we LOOK...
Once a month. Tenants are supposed to vacate, but we don't even notice while Trancing. It doubles as our shower!
And...
Of course, we're far too puny to actually effect any CHANGE.
- Guess I'm not as strong as I thought. I'm not getting out this way...
Somehow I doubt clamoring around in the sewage pipes would have been a good idea anyway.
There are fiber-optic cables, but if you try to interact, we just mention randomly cutting cables is probably a bad idea. I also don't think you care how the room looks, Mandala, so zip it.
And that pile of clothes by our bed?
- Euch, no! Last time I reached into the pile, there was stuff growing in it.
Hmmmm.
There are lockers under our bed....
...but all of them are teases like this. The other two are just flat "empty". We're running out of options.
Eerie yet soothing, the perfect descriptor for a goon's shower.
Also, "project"? I guess that's the "wetware"?
I feel like this is the kind of thing we'd get arrested for. Just a feeling I have.
So I got my Master's degree in microbiology, and I belong to a mailing list called "DIY Bio", which is full of people doing stuff like this - garage experiments growing all kinds of biological nonsense. It even kind of weirds me out when THEY do it, let alone somebody who's probably getting all their equipment and recipes off the future equivalent of the Silk Road.
But anyway: what is this stuff?
So, wait, how do you...
And how....
Hm.
- By growing my own wetware at home, I'll never need to leave the apartment again... unless something like this happens.
Or... you need.... clothes? Also, once we learn what this stuff does, that statement will make no sense.
Great. So we just grab a slimefull of it and shove it in our paper/cotton pockets. What does it DO?
Hint: the game SORT of explains, but not really. You'll have to figure it out on your own. Like, right now.
Hint 2: It's PRETTY dumb, what it does.
Completing our circle of the room, there's that thing on the table...
That's three years ago. So between then and now is when our social freefall happened.
- I don't know why I've still got it. I pretty much scrapped everything else to build the wetware still.
I'm not sure how pumped I am about sacrificing our entire life for that lump of blue ambergris or whatever it is. I also like how we're "not sure" why we would hang on to happy memories from the past.
Anyway, because we're an adventure game protagonist, we grab it and put it in another pocket.
Remember, food connoisseurs, if it ain't slush, it ain't much!
Your machine's been broken for a while, but you haven't noticed - you've been too busy trancing.
At this point, even the omniscient narrator is worried about us. I'd complain about the inhumanity of infrequent gross food, but this IS supposed to be a super-temporary apartment, so we're supposed to be motivated to get out of it. I'm sure there's a whole discussion there, but let's not ponder that too closely. Or the definition of "a while". How many days without food have we gone?
Maybe this malfunction is saving our lives?
Anyway, let's touch-a the machine.
You know, I know it's here for comedy purposes, but I would TOTALLY eat a dessert called "sucro-gelatin complex". I mean, that's MANY desserts out there. Protein surprise also sounds appetizing!
I get it, I get it, it's supposed to show how downtrodden the poor are because oh they get FUTURE SPACE MASH X and isn't that just awful, but, again, for all we know it's the perfect nutrient blend to keep people healthy. I could get behind a future like this, actually. Free nutrients and health for everybody, and if you want fancy gourmet taste, then you gotta buy the extra chips or whatever.
Also, our adventure game senses should be telling us that since we can't select metal, we need metal.
But, you know what? We could use some nutrition. Let's get a "protein surprise"!
A food tray obligingly pops from the machine's serving slot - completely empty. The pipes must be blocked again.
I love the idea that there's a "PROTEIN SURPRISE" pipe snaking through the city. How hard must it be piping semisolid mush around!
- Hey, I'm hungry!
And trapped. And your life's a mess, but one thing at a time here.
Right above the food dispenser...
The materials are melted down, and vacuum-sealed into new utensils every time you order a meal. Some places use metal utensils, but here in the poorblocks, it's all just plastic.
STRAIGHT OUTTA POORBLOCKS
To get another tray/utensil, you've got to deposit them back into the machine, so no hoarding!
If you try to touch it...
Reaching your arm into the recycling slot can only end in tears.
That sentence works no matter which way you pronounce "tear"! Eugh.
We deposit our tray/spork back into the recycler and move to the window.
"Sconto" seems to be the Italian word for "cheap, discount" something like that. It's also clear from context that it means "crappy".
- The darkness is supposed to encourage people to move out. Not me, it just makes Trancing easier.
I just cannot get over us. "Ha! You think you can depress me with a bad apartment? Well I hate the entire world and everything in it except this glowing screen, so THERE! Also stay out of my bathroom!"
- The window frame is welded-in. Even if I could open it, it'd be a 150 metre drop to the bottom.
We ALSO know a surprising amount about the construction and geometry of our living space. Maybe we looked up the specs online!
We will also comment on the gross stuff dripping off the table, confirming that it was in fact food at one point, and it's still moist, but we're, you know, not THAT hungry.
Alright.
So that's the apartment. Nothing to do, nothing to pick up.
No, you can't put the trophy in the recycler and get metal. It detects metal and just says NO METAL.
So we're out of options, right?
Wrong!
Welcome to the wonderful world...
of WETWARE.
Here's how wetware works. It's a big blue glob of magic and nanomachines, and you smear it on anything with an internet connection. Like, just smear the gel into whatever cracks are in the machine. And when you DO...
You "integrate" yourself into it! And what does THAT mean? Well, let's pop a quick yoga sit and...
https://zippy.gfycat.com/LavishLazyAustraliankestrel.webm
We have a new icon! That lil' fork is obviously our home vending machine.
Aw, yeah. So: let's see what it...
Gah! Huge anime chef!
So two things here:
First, when I'm done with this update, I'm going to put the video I used to record this session and the last one up on youtube. I'd recommend listening to it, if only so you can jump to about 9:40 and hear Cheffie. Her voice is just regular annoying, but every time she says "T.H.E. foods" they play this stupid little jingle, and heaven help me if I'm not amused by it.
Second, and I'm only going to make this complaint once, so I don't do it every time we wetware something. Just know that I'm THINKING it every time we wetware something:
Cheffie isn't available through the terminal, and in fact you can only get to her through smearing magical techno-goop into the crevasses of the machine. So it's almost certainly some kind of maintenance / command line thing, right? So why the personality? Who is ever going to contact this?
You could argue that we would be able to see her if our Trance could find connection, but I call false to that, because if that was the case, we could just call the manager for help once we got into cheffie, or anything else with an outside connection. I don't get it, and it confuses and angers me. That said, I see what they're going for, story-wise, so we'll just go with that and not think too hard. It's like midichlorians.
And here we see our first dialogue tree! It's 100% standard for basically any adventure game, so... there it is!
- Who are you, and what are you doing in my food machine?
We're not really much of a listener. Or a critical thinker. I'd say both counts are pretty obvious, Mandy!
- Hi! I'm Cheffie, your...
- We already had this bit.
THEN YOU SHOULD KNOW 
- I'm the voice of your food machine! I'm here to help you make the most of your machine, and all the delicious possibilities! And if there's trouble, I'm here to help you out!
Cheffie my life is a train wreck do you have a recipe for that
- What kind of things can you make?
- Using T.H.E.'s patented and proven protein/fiber synthesis reserve system, I'm able to whip up some of the tastiest treats you've ever had!
- Like...?
- Just you wait, before you know it you'll be having the most cost-effective food you've ever tasted!
You know, I know this is supposed to be off-putting, but if I encountered something that was so cheerful about its awful product line, I think I'd be charmed. I'm certainly charmed here.
- You're dodging the question.
- My recipe books are always getting bigger!
You're STILL dodging the question.
- My best friends at T.H.E. always come up with great new ideas! Everything from "protein surprise" to "Nutri-block casserole!"
Still better than some things I've cooked in my day.
- Eugh.
- Don't be like that! Give them a try!
You know, for being all Ms. "I don't care anything about meatspace", we're PRETTY picky about our food. "ohhh, I don't care for pre-mashed nutrient paaaastes ohhhhh"
- I've had to live off of your crap for two years now. It's bland, and it feels like runny puke. I have trouble swallowing, and every mouthful makes starvation that little bit more appealing.
SO IMPROVE YOUR SITUATION. Look, I'm not trying to make this some big tirade against people who are getting government assistance. Lots of their cases are more complicated than this one! But this is clearly just, our hero is too stubborn to ever do anything besides Trance 24/7, and also finds the time to be snarky about all the free support she gets. To Cheffie! What did Cheffie ever do to you! Do you think it's HER fault your nutrient mash isn't vetted for tastiness? That she's doing this on purpose to torture you? She's so sweet!
It's grating, is what I'm saying.
- I'm sorry to hear that! Have you tried any of our new recipes lately? Let's look for some!
- #CONNECTION FAILED#
- Oopsie! It looks like I can't connect! Don't worry - you can always use the memory cards in the machine to upload delicious new recipes!
NOW we're getting somewhere. Some of the faster puzzle-solvers out there will have already worked out our next step.
- How do I get trays and cutlery?
Haven't we been eating this stuff for...
- Haven't you been eating with us for years?
Yeah, you tell 'em Cheffie!
- Humor me.
You know, I wouldn't put it past us to not have ever known, and just had handfulls of mush squirt into our hands, that we carry to the table before slurping up as much of it as possible. We're THAT kind of heroine.
- T.H.E's food machines have self-contained vacuum formers to recycle utensils! Just put your tray back in the machine when you're done with it!
She can also read off today's menu, but we know what it is.
- Ciao.
- Byeeeeeeee!
But before we go messing around with that, let's rub goo into the other piece of software in the room...
- Get a job!
- But I don't WANNA!
So that opens up another icon in our Trance. Fortunately, we already got the silly one out of the way with Cheffie, so now let's talk to the much more utilitarian...
... 
- Who wouldn't summon the guardian of thine abode?
Seriously.
- Who are you?
- The defender, the guardian, the knight! No threats shall dare intrude upon thy domain, while I stand watch!
- Do you have a name?
- I do not wish to trouble my lady with such minute details.
Uh... does that mean it's protected information? Or just his coy way of saying no? Or does it literally mean all these dumb things are hard AIs with their own personalities? Because that is a horrifying idea.
- So, just 'knight' then?
- Whatever they will, m'Lady!
Alright. Imma call you Clive.
- What's your function?
- I am the defender. I prevent intrusions upon thy fortress! The physical, and the etheric!
- I found you in the door's terminal software. You're the apartment's network security, aren't you?
- Quite so! Trojans and malware flee from my presence!
So his nobbly knees and skinny legs are doofy, but I gotta admit, dude has a HECK of a six-pack.
- ...but you also control the door's security?
- A vital role, m'lady! None shall threaten the sanctity of thy domain! Except the employment committee, but that's another story.
- Tell me about yourself
Note: the voice here switches from a beefy bravado tone to a more genetic, computer-y voice, then back again after this line.
- SENT.i.NEL SYSTEMS KNIGHTWARE: A DATA AND PHYSICAL SECURITY PRODUCT OF SENT.i.NEL SYSTEMS. VERSION 3.02 LICENSED TO CITY OF NEWTON - HOUSING SERVICES
- What's with the "knight in shining armor" routine?
- Who is better suited to the role, than a loyal defender of the realm?
- Ok, now tell me properly.
I know I'm probably being unfair here, but Mandala is just really getting my goat in this scene. What do you think the program is going to tell you? He was programmed that way because he's supposed to guard your systems, and knights guarded castles. Somebody thought it was cute and programed it that way. What else COULD there be? Do you think this program has gone really deep and philosophical about this?
- My lady, thine own...
- OUT OF CHARACTER.
You're a peach, Mandy.
We revert to the computer-y voice for this one:
- Following managerial reformation of SENT.i.NEL systems, the company's theme was shifted to a feudal design.
- Has anybody ever told you that you get real tiresome real quick?
You know, I take back what I was saying earlier. Stay on the Trance. You might not be cut out for the world of interpersonal interaction.
- Customer research has shown the 'knight' image to be effective. 89% of consumers associated it with increased security, and ability to solve threats. 67% associated it with defense of a home in a professional manner. 55% found it more confidence-inspiring than SENT.i.NEL's previous mascot - the sheriff. Following last year's New York Police riots, public perception of such personnel diminished considerably.
So we've got warlords in Oklahoma and huge police riots in New York. BUSINESS AS USUAL IN THE US OF A :politics:
Now to actual business!
- The door seems to be stuck. Can you do anything about that?
- /ATTEMPTING TO OPERATE DOOR DRIVE SYSTEMS.../ /ATTEMPT2 / ATTEMPT3 / It would appear the machinery of the door itself has become fatigued. The terminus is unable to compel activity on the door's part itself. The safety unlock would doubtless serve you well at this juncture!
- Can you use the safety unlock?
- I'm afraid I cannot. It must be unlatched physically!
So it's a good idea to have some feature that can still work in the event of a total network shutoff. But, how to get to it?
- So where is it?
- It lies behind the terminal. With sufficient armament, mayhaps thou shalt reach it! But we didstn't make it possible to reach without that, because we aren't actually a very good security company!
- Gee, thanks... Ciao.
- Fare they well, m'lady!
So, as is often the case in adventure games, we kind of figured out the solution before we knew the puzzle, right?
We need a metal fork. But we can't GET a metal fork, because we can't download metal. Because we don't deserve it I guess? Wait, why CAN'T we get a metal fork?
Hahaha WHAT. When this game goes dark, it goes DARK.
But no, it's clear what we have to do:
Get the card...
Copy the horrible virus into it...
You know what? I'm impressed that they came up with a reason for the color to change. 10 points to Hufflepuff.
And slap it back in the machine.
This scrambles the menu names, but, unfortunately, the dang metal protection is still in place!
We're going to have to take... DRASTIC MEASURES.
Back to the trance -
- If I have an accident, the machine will continue to dispense. We don't want you starving in an emergency now, do we?
Yes. An.... "accident".
It is nice that she has some new dialogue now that we've talked to the door guardian. It's all vague hints about what to do next, so I'm skipping it.
So... let's ask her what's on her recipe card!
- It looks like iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Well, congrats. We took the most cheerful little chef, who's kept us alive for two years, and broken her.
- Apparently, whatever virus was riding that t-mail is doing some damage.
Is... is Cheffie going to wake up in a Chinese factory in 10 years?
- You don't look so good!
- It's no-no-nothing that can't be-be worked around!"
This is heartbreaking. All she wants is to perform her function. Are we so heartless?
- Sounds more like you need someone to put you out of your misery.
Then again, we, uh, might have a point.
And, of course, we know just the guy!
- The steward harbors a blight? Zounds! This shall not be allowed to continue!
I'm uncomfortable with the clear execution-for-STD subtext here.
- FOUR HARBINGER!
- HI! I'm th-
- There are grave accusations of TREASON upon your head, steward! Stand and face me! We shall see what trial by combat makes of you.
So... they program in interactions with OTHER programs? Or is the knight on its own deciding how to do this conversation? Either way, it's pretty dumb. I'd, I dunno, imagine this conversation to be carried out somewhat more quickly. And in binary. Like, shouldn't it do a scan? Instead of... seeing which program is stronger? Look, I don't want to do your jobs for you, future programmers, but you are terrible at your jobs.
- I'm sorry, I don't quite...
- HAVE AT THEE!
Ahhhh, Mandy you sociopath. That does indeed "take care of her".
Now, because we live in the future BUT ALSO in an adventure game, disabling that automated assistant also unlocks every safety device on the thing. If our pipes weren't blocked, we could probably shoot out scalding hot dextro-amino poison right into our face if we wanted to!
But for now, all we can do is....
Huck our only remaining memory into the recycler (sheesh)
Order some garblagalbgl brand arrlbagalba, with metal trays and, more importantly, forks...
Hang on to that fork, Mandy. It's made of the the only good real-life memory you've got.
Pop the 'ol hatch... (incidentally, the fork breaks if you try it with the plastic)
We look happy, sure, but also somewhat confused that we were able to pull this off. I can't say I blame us. I didn't believe in us either, Mandy!
You know, speaking about tone for a second here...
We had a really exciting, mysterious intro full of the pronoun game and what looked like some serious, driven jerks. And now we've watched some net-head try to open her own apartment door for TWENTY MINUTES. I'm not saying this game isn't gonna get more exciting, I'm just saying that I hope it does so quickl....
SWING AND A HIT! THE NARRATIVE TRAIN IS BACK ON TRACK, M'GOONS.
Join me next time, for...
