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...and grab that maceterfully crafted piece of weaponry. Tomorrow, we hit the town! Maybe we'll go CLUBBING, eh?
...you are a blight on the face of my mind, Lizard Wizard.
Ahem. Before Lizard Wizard proceeds to corrupt our friend here, I simply must say something. It has to my attention that there's a fundamental misunderstanding of Lizard Wizard's situation here. Many of you have been referring to this as a "split timeline", and wondering as to the fate of one "Lizard Wizard Prime". This is no split timeline, but an alternate universe.
I mean, really, any philistine ought to know that split timelines only come in the one shape.
And that's a fork.
You bromidic boggarts.
Another Place, Another Tine
Ugh, my ears are still ringing from that whole Heart business. Where the hell am I?
Why am I in a carriage? Why would my hands be tied?
Who's this?
Who're those guys? And what's with the gloom hanging over it all?
I think the driver's a guardsman of some sort. We're pulling up to...a village, I guess.
There's guards about. Dirts McGee is freaking the fuck out. ...hey, I can hear now.
Funny, when I was a boy, Imperial walls and towers used to make me feel so safe.
Blondie's getting uncomfortably wistful over here.
Wait, what's he protecting his kid from anyway?
Why do you think? End of the line.
No! Wait! We're not rebels!
Wait, did you say rebels?
I don't like where this is going.
I definitely don't like it.
It has been an honor, Jarl Ulfric!
A Jarl? Isn't that supposed to be a duke or something in Skyrim?
At least I'll have a name to attach to the last cool dude I met. 
And I guess Mr. Panic Attack is Lokir.
Well, that's one idea.
Options:
- Running
- Leveraging my Nerevarine status
- Death
Me? 
Oh, I'm just LIZARD WIZARD. Y'know, the N-
In Skyrim, there are no attributes. I know, I know, I can hear your monocles popping off. Racial bonuses are still there, though hidden, so you just pick the most awesome-looking thing instead of spending all day agonizing over the optimal race. Argonians have 50% disease resistance, water-breathing, and Histskin, a daily power that greatly boosts health regeneration for one minute. I guess health regeneration is a thing now, that's cool I guess. Argonians also get the following skill bonuses: Alteration +5, Light Armor +5, Lockpicking +10, Pickpocket +5, Restoration +5, Sneak +5.
Gods, she is just having none of it.
Hey 
Options:
- Running
- Leveraging my Nerevarine status
- Death
Poor guy. Captain Bitchtron's got him by the short hairs.
Thanks. I feel better about my death sentence for no reason already.
Well, I'm sure as hell not gonna run.
At least this is orderly.
Wait, the Voice? I thought that was an Imperial thing.
He sounds...kinda bad. 
For those of you who have played the game, I want you to imagine the narrator of Wizard People, Dear Reader speaking this line. You're welcome.
ROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAR
Odd.
EIGHT Divines? Lady, that's the wrong number.
Sheesh, buddy. I know you're about to die, but you don't have to be a dick about it.
This is the last thing some of us are gonna see.
I mean, seriously, who pissed on your sweetroll?
Well, I'm sure that was very satisfying for the headsman.
As fearless in death as he was in life.
You are just one most generous son of a bitch, you know that?
Oh good, she's a racist bitch.
WRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR
Man, the wind is just weird today.
SHEESH.
I'm comin', I'm comin'.
...blind headsman in one eye, huh? Well, there's a narrow chance I'll survive this.
Real nice, Empire.
So, this is it. Man, I wish I got to try skooma.
Wait a minute. Is that-
Did I just see-
The following is recommended listening until we reach Helgen Keep. It's not from Skyrim, but I should think it fits perfectly. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcvJ8nzxH8c
OH, COME ON!
GAH FUCK
WHY.
I SAVED VVARDENFELL.
I DON'T- ...that's the smartest thing I've heard all day.
Hey, lead the way.
Good idea, Ralof. We should get inside, at least.
That's what we call a DRAGON, Ralof.
Okay, I take it back. Ulfric's pretty cool.
Here, you can pinpoint where I turned off the game for the night, then came back using ENB with the Fimbulvinter preset. I'm not too familiar with the game's default lighting and whatnot myself, so if someone wanted to take a whack at explaining ENB, along with a granular look at Fimbulvinter's changes, I'd be pretty darn jazzed.
And there's the first time using F12 as my recording key bit me in the ass. 
Way ahead of ya, Ralof!
BWOASHIT
That was close. Guess there's just the one option now.
HUP
Nowhere to go but down.
Well, at least these Imperial jerkoffs are willing to save children.
Uh-oh.
Fuckin' dragons, man.
Wow, rude.
Eh, maybe I'll get to see you get burned alive.
As opposed to where else in this narrow alley, exactly? 
This guy just doesn't quit. I mean, jeez.
He must be addled, though, because he just kinda breathes fire and back up he goes. Works for me.
Nice cloak.
Pictured: content from Cloaks of Skyrim.
Yeah, I intend to. Don't worry your Imperial little head.
Just awful.
Ralof! 
Damn right. 
Ass.
You and me, Ralof. You and me.
Up your nose with a pair of iron calipers, guy. Seriously.
Phew.
Looks like we're the only ones who made it. That thing was a dragon. No doubt. Just like the children's stories and the legends. The harbingers of the End Times. We better get moving. Come here. Let me see if I can get those bindings off.
There you go. You may as well take Gunjar's gear - he won't be needing it anymore.
All right. Get that armor on and give that axe a few swings. I'm going to see if I can find some way out of here.
Huh. Pretty comfy.
Axe works too.
Weapons have different attack speeds. If I'm not mistaken, daggers are the fastest one-handed weapon, followed by swords, then axes, then maces. I should also note that melee weapon skills have been pared down to one-handed and two-handed. It's an interesting move that seems to emphasize playstyle over lore.
Ah, this one's locked. Let's see about that gate.
Damn. No way to open this from our side.
Imperials! Take cover.
Oh hell yes.
Woo! Take that, you racist jerkette.
Obviously, this is the first fight. I'm pretty low on fatigue after giving the captain that well-deserved power attack on top of some regular blows...
...but it's about as hard as you'd expect.
We also get our first skill increase! With no classes in Skyrim, any skill-up counts towards your next level. The higher the skill, the more it contributes to the bar - that is to say, raising a skill from 5 to 6 will yield far less progress than, say, 25 to 26. In this way, the game silently encourages specialization.
Hate to ditch my colors, but THE FUCKING ARMY does have better equipment than the local grass-roots rebels. And hey, blades.
A bit...uniform-y.
Let's see here...here we are. Found a key.
I'll just take that one, too.
Hey, what am I up to?
Yup, you can dual-wield in this game. Prevents you from blocking, which is a fair trade-off for the damage, I'd say.
Woo! Akaviri-style, baby!
Okay, Lizard Wizard, let's not get too fancy. Just the right-handed style for now.
Aw.
Next time, more things to put in our hands!
Ooh!