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Prologue - Let?s Do The Time Warp (Again)!
Click Here For the Intro Video (Viddler)
We open on the end of the Soviet Union, which is probably somewhere around the end of the Allied Campaign for Red Alert 2. Of course, if you don?t know what I?m talking about, ignore me. It won?t be important in five minutes.
Moving day at the Kremlin. Get your giant portrait of Lenin on eBay soon!
Here are our two top Soviets: Minister Anatoly Cherdenko (on the left, played by Tim Curry), and General Boris Krukov (played by Andrew Divoff).
Of course, Cherdenko has other plans, and activates the super secret Lenin Lair button.
?Come, General! Join me in this dark elevator!?
?Oh, god. Why did I listen to him? Do I hear banjos??
Yes, a secret lair behind the bookcase, activated by a button under a statue. I think we have to get this out of the way now: This is not Shakespeare. It?s Command and Conquer.
?Comrade Minister, I swear. If this elevator opens up to another freaky transvestite dance party, I am going to kill you.?
Ok, I think I?m done with the Rocky Horror jokes. Maybe. I make no promises.
Cherdenko always has that on his mind, but he actually has more important plans right now. The General says that it?s too late, but that just elicits this look.
?For you see, General, Time?is on our side.?
Tesla coil time machine. I?ve seen worse!
This is Dr. Gregor Zelinsky, the head scientist and part time Woody Allen impersonator. He?s not too thrilled, because the time machine is not ready and has never been tested.
Cherdenko?s having none of that. He?s got coordinates, and he?s ready to go.
?Fuck you, comrade. It ain?t ready until I say so.?
Of course, if he got his way, there would be no game, so the good doctor gives in and sets it up.
Remember to always wear eye protection when time traveling, unless you?re not a wimp.
Tesla really was an underrated inventor, he had a lot of really great ideas, and he also was responsible for helping to invent the radio. However, he was kind of edged out by Edison, who was basically a giant jerk when it came to inventions. Add onto that the fact that Tesla was mentally unstable, and he didn?t live up to his potential. Among some of the ideas that he had was broadcast power, which 9 out of 10 scientists declared ?freaking sweet.?
Of course, Tesla didn?t invent a time machine either.
Oh, and this time machine doesn?t?actually travel back in time. Just sends the occupants back. How do they get back?
SCIENCE!
The General asks where they are, and goes to touch a curtain, but Zelinsky warns him to not touch anything, or he?ll mess with the time-space continuum. I?m sure they went back into the past just to get a malt and visit a speakeasy.
Cherdenko really wants that malt.
They?ve come back to 1927 to visit Einstein, the man most responsible for the Allies? technology. As Cherdenko declares him, he?s the man that ?made [the Allies] invincible.?
What do you do when you meet such a man? You damn well better shake his hand.
Oh god Cherdenko was wearing a joy buzzer. Bastard traveled back in time to play a prank on Einstein!
Oh. Good prank.
Question: If Einstein is dead, what do people call each other when they?re sarcastically calling someone a moron? This is important.
Back to the present! How did they get back, exactly? It?s never explained, but not important at all.
Extreme Makeover: Soviet Edition visited the Premier?s office while they were out.
?Yes?bears. This place always needed a statue of a bear.?
Zelinsky explains to them that they changed history. Of course, he?s explaining it to a guy that went to the past with the sole intention of changing history and a guy who was probably smart enough to make the leap of logic himself, but whatever.
Oh, thank god. They still invented flat screen TV in this timeline. This is Dasha Fedorovich, the mission briefer of the Soviets. She has the report from the Western front.
?Good, give me your report.?
?Actually, General, I was talking to Premier Cherdenko.?
?Fuck yeah, I get to be king! Changing history has zero consequences whatsoever!?
Of course, the Premier?s smugness is short lived, since they?re now under attack at home! Who could be behind this?
Oh my.
This is Emperor Yoshiro. He?s declaring war, telling the Soviets that they should surrender, or be wiped out.
?I knew the General was a fucking Trekkie. I should go back in time and erase him, too.?
The General?s not really phased, for some reason, and tells Dasha to release the nuclear weapons.
?Uh, what??
?For fuck?s sake, Krukov. It?s like you?ve never altered history before.?
?Oh. Guess we shouldn?t have killed Einstein.?
Einstein really wasn?t the sole inventor of the nuclear bomb, and both German and American scientists were working on it during World War II, which I assume happened in this particular timeline. Still, I guess we can give them a little creative license. So, remember, kiddies. Einstein invented nuclear weapons right before he went back in time and killed Hitler.
Zelinsky is kind of pessimistic about the whole thing, and just kind of moans about how they?re screwed.
The Premier, of course, is not amused.
That?s our introduction. Of course, I can?t do this all on my own! I need you to help me decide on what campaign to start first. They?re all completely separate from one another, and so each one has something different. I may get to the other ones, but I make no guarantees, so pick wisely! Our choices are:
Soviets - Comrade, just as our victory was assured in the west against the Allies, the Empire of the Rising Sun attacked us! We must repel them from our borders while still crushing the Allies!
The Soviets rely on brute strength. Sure, they may not have the best technology, but all that fancy stuff won?t save you when a satellite falls on you and then you?re run over by a tank.
Allies - Bad news, old boy, Britain is the only part of Europe that?s free from the Soviets. Good news, though! The new American President is fiercely anti-Communist, and the Soviets have their own problems to worry about. Sure, we?ll have to deal with that Empire eventually, but let?s free Europe, first.
The Allies are highly technologically advanced thanks to FutureTech. They have powerful units, but they?re also costly. You need a bit more finesse, but you?ll have plenty of tools to work with.
The Empire of the Rising Sun - Commander-san, it is time we showed those barbarians to whom the world truly belongs! Our nanotechnology is the key, and soon the world will collectively bow before our great Emperor!
The Empire has the best technology of all, as well as units that serve dual purposes. Technically, they are the weakest, but they get points for versatility.
I?ll leave voting open for a while or until it seems to slow down. Until next time!