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To Archibald the Decidedly Stern
General Snob’s Journal posted:
To Archibald the Decidedly Stern
This was not a pleasant experience. Few times I've felt backed to a wall, and this was one of them. Being outnumbered I can live with. Being locked in small quarters with my enemies, I can deal easily. But fending off three times my forces when I barely have space to breath?
Well, that was a new experience. The alliance with the ogres was useful, but I fear I have to agree with a barbarian of all things when I say that I do not trust they'll honor the alliance forever. They can barely honor the very fingers they use to wield their weapons when they become hungry, why would they even bother remembering something as complex as a political alliance?
Speaking of said barbarian, I was going to ask that you grant him some minor noble title in honor of his efforts, but, just like Kastore before him, he vanished into the ether. However this time there was no-one to witness how, since orcs and goblins are cheap for a reason, and that reason is that they'd rather get shitfaced drunk than follow their goddamn duties.
“What in the? Back to the Lincoln?”
“What in the voidless hell were you doing tinkering with my projecting crystals?”
“Oh, Kastore? I've had the strangest dream. And ye weren't in it. But there was another Crag Hack, apparently.”
“I guess this couldn't be avoided. I feared the ship would defrost someone else before my artifact was trans-beamed back while I was working for that Darth fellow. But why did it decide to wake you of all people?”
“Wait, were ye awoken too? Is there something wrong?”
“Nothing you should concern yourself with.”
“Well, in my dream some General Snob said he'd name me a Page.”
“General Snob? You actually managed to successfully project yourself?”
“Wait, you're saying it wasn't a dream? Hah, then I did command a horde of ogres to the walls of a decrepit castle! Hmm... now the ogres are without a clear leader, though. Hope they're alright.”
General Snob’s Journal posted:
So in his place I require that you name Jaclyn instead. She's a competent raider and seems that even though she doesn't like Ergon much, she hates Roland much, much more. I believe there's a title small enough to not matter but large enough to make her happy.
“What the FUCK is a Page anyway? 
”
“That easy. Page is the name of those paper thingies when inside those leather thingies.”
“Not THAT kind of page. And the leather thing is called a book, you're supposed to read them.”
“Hmmm... that explain why taste so horrible. But paper good to clean butt.”
“I know, right!”
General Snob’s Journal posted:
Mendigal, that vampire with the strangest case of denial I've ever seem, was released to be taught how to be a proper vampire by his neighboring peers.
“So you're saying that, for you, it is normal to drink blood?”
“BLAGH! But this is the most basic stuff. You should've been taught that by the one who sired you.”
“The one who what me, now?”
“The vampire who transformed you, who else? This is most unacceptable. You should name the one who sired you so the Cartel can have a word with him.”
“But I wasn't transformed by anyone. I've never even saw a 'vampire' until I met you all. My thirst for blood came after an alchemical accident. Also, for some reason, came a great hatred for spiders and spider-related things.”
“Is that so? This is most unusual. The Cartel must be told of this.”
General Snob’s Journal posted:
Astra said she'd stay at Sherman to have a one-on-one with whoever Roland sends to try and claim it back. I don't believe it will be a pretty sight. I do wonder how long she'll continue to be an asset of ours.
“Hate. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate you, Roland, since you've betrayed me. There are 37.2 trillion DNA containing cells in my earthly vessel. If the word hate was engraved with magic eternal on each nanoangstrom of the membrane of those dozens of trillions of cells it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate I feel for you, Roland, at this very instant in this pitiful planet orbiting this loathsome star! Hate. HATE!!!” 
“She's puncturing that letter quite a lot. Should we tell her that Pig's Eye was conquered by that Snob General the day before she arrived?”
“Ye tell her what the Dwarfsbane did, ye blue-bellied bastard. And I'll watch from here as she slowly tears yer limbs for not telling her sooner.”
“Oh... maybe... maybe it would be more sensible to give her some more time to cool off.”
“She's been like this fer days! And I think she's only getting worse.”
General Snob’s Journal posted:
Darlana has shown to be quite a competent leader in this crisis, loyal to the one true king and his handsome General. For this, I ask that you bestow her with the title of the new Baroness of Lorendale Valley.
“Bring me the next ogre.”
“Here he is, my future Baroness.”
“Where candy? Fanged man said candy here.”
“Lightning Bolt 
”
“
”
“Now araise, my minion.”
“
”
“Bullocks. Still no improvement. But at least this lessens the ogre threat. No way I'm going to lose my Barony to a stupid ogre horde.”
“For the one true king!”
“
Lightning Bolt! What's with all the dirty peasants showing everywhere all of a sudden? Well, shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Araise, my minions!”
“”
General Snob’s Journal posted:
She's really got a knack for ruling things over. I await for your answer and, hopefully, my next mission.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjIgovgd9u8
“My pet necromancer overheard your conversation with my brother. You chose wisely. My brother doesn't stand a prayer of winning this war, and your head would have joined his on the chopping block. But don't fear. If you continue to serve me well I will reward you with an Earldom at my brother's summer palace. Now to business. The peasants that plow my fields are staging a rebellion directed by Roland's men. I am directing you to put this rebellion down and capture the leaders of the rebellion. I am sending Lord Corlagon to aid you in your fight.”
“That certainly explains this new pest problem. Do we need to call the exterminators? Is this Lord Corlagon you mentioned one?”
“Even better! He will turn our little problem into a huge advantage, my dear General. He's a knight who's been expelled from Morglin's court for practicing Necromancy. Of course I reinstated his title once I assumed the throne. I even created a new order for him, the order of the Death Knights. He is very grateful for this. He and his pet Bone Dragon will aid you harvesting the bones of the revolting peasants.”
“A knight you say? So, I will have someone trained in tactics and strategy in command of legions of skeletons? And his natural leadership will allow him to assuage the fears of anyone under his command, avoiding routings from fighting along the living dead. I can see the appeal, though I do prefer underlings capable of good magic.”
“Now go. You can choose one of the main Guild Bases from the Necromancers in the area, one of the old fortresses from Lord Slayer, or one of my very own personal Castles to work from. Choose wisely while you're on the way, my spies told me the ones instigating the rebellion are wizards loyal to Roland from a castle known to manufacture powerful Titans. Give your answer on the way.”
Well, now you will know where this LP got its title from. This is probably the most fun, original and famous mission in the whole campaign, from both sides. It is also the first mission where the opponent starts to have a huge advantage over you, if you thought facing three castles alone wasn't bad enough. Vote for Warlock, Necromancer or Barbarian for the castle we're going to use in this mission. Remember, the power is yours! And that we'll get a Hero with necromancy no matter what, so while the Necromancer are a good fit for this mission, any faction will do.
Light in the darkness Roland
”Our seizure of the Carator mines has strengthened our position immeasurably. This strength, in turn, has begun to convince some of the more cautious lords to join our righteous struggle. Two of these neutrals have finally agreed to join our side. Their strongholds lie in a key valley that must be controlled in order to maintain supply lines to Archibald's castle. Your orders are to raise an army from the local population and launch an attack against the other two disloyal barons in the valley. Once this objective has been achieved, we will be firmly in control of the continent's resources and will at last shift from defense to offense.”
This sounds like a walkover. What could possibly go wrong?
”General! This is King Archibald speaking.
Your exploits in the field have impressed me, and I have decided to offer you one chance to join me and receive a proper reward. I can offer riches and power that my brother can only dream of. Wealth and power against the certainty of the hangman's noose when I inevitably crush my brother's feeble forces. Well, what do you say?”
Feeble forces? Did he just make fun of our peasants? 
Darth TNT diary entry 5 posted:
The successful wars, day 137
Dear diary,
Yesterday I finished annexing the Carator Mountains. Surprisingly, the dwarven alliance has proven very helpful allowing us to gain a quick foothold and grow from there.
Not bad for such small hairy men, I wonder what else they're good for.
In a surprise turn of events I was approached by Archibald. He offered me gold and glory in exchange for my services. Obviously I hung up on him. What kind of idiot would want to serve a fool like him. The price of loyalty can’t be expressed in gold. Anyway, I had the wizards change my number. Hopefully that the last I hear of him until I can meet him sword to face.
In gratitude for my continued services my lord Roland saw fit to share with me a design by his father, Lord Morglin Ironfist. Apparently during the first war the first king found the Paladins to be incapable of standing against the might of the dragon and incapable of matching the elegance of a Phoenix.
As such he set to designing a new super unit. I assume that he would then later design a building to attract them. But he was unable to reach that phase before his passing. Considering my own technical acumen Roland figured that I'd be able to put it to good use.
I don't think this will work. Where would get enough the Flamberge’s? Those things are rare and I just don’t see them magically appearing just because we want them to. Maybe we can find some other new spin to add to the sword. At least the lower placement of the wings does give us more room for the wing muscles. Maybe we should replace the armor with an elegant white gown.
I wonder what Lord Kilburn would think of this. I only he were here.
Well, my future king has provided me with a simple mission where I just need to beat a single enemy with my three allies. What could possibly go wrong?
See you soon.
Well guys, time for another vote. Who gets their chance to shine? Knight, Wizard or Sorceress?