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General Snob's Journal posted:
To Archibald the Cunning
As of this writing, I have finished counting my piles upon piles of gold pacifying the land for your rule. None of your neighbors will dare to rise against your legitimate ruleship again... and if they do, well, they'll just swell the ranks of your allies, the necromancers. One way or another, they'll serve your jeweled crown.
Halon, that green-skinned wizard freak, stood by Xanadu for days, trying to convince them he was already ready for the secrets within. And once he recovered his magic he just blew the door open with a Chain Lightning, barging in and demanding enlightenment. He later stormed off frustrated and disappointed. Whatever greater truth they hid within, it certainly didn't satisfy the wizard, who went off to pastures more resembling his skin-tone, I believe.
“They could 'fix' my skin, but only to give me a sickly, hideous, rosy complexion. I'd rather die than look like one of you pig-monkeys!”
General Snob's Journal posted:
Rialdo has been missing ever since the orange lord was decapitated. He feasted on the rest of the body and then left, into unknown lands. Some say he will emerge again one day when the necromancers have need yet again for a vigilante cannibal to devour their enemies. They say it is the hero they deserve and need.
Me? I prefer to believe he found a nice place, close to a village for a steady supply of food, and settled down. At least that's what I hope. I wish him to stay behind and for me to never meet that creature again.
“Yummy! What was that again? It was even more delicious than the last dish!”
“Kinderpotthast. Are you sure you don't want another serving of Brat-wurst? Or kinderkraut?”
“Keep them coming, lady. You're a very kind, very nice and very pretty lady!”
“Oh, you! And you are a very polite horrible monster. Don't give it any of your mind, it is just a little magical ritual called 'disposing of evidence', my dear. We are both very useful to one-another.”
General Snob's Journal posted:
Zam was adamant that he wished to follow me for greater glory, which I allowed, but the next day his coffin was empty with nothing but a letter stuck in its lid by a dagger. It simply read “The garden-critter left CRON. Meet me at the portal. Bring seasoning. Signed – Z.”
“Brother Zom, I vill not fail you! I vill not fail us! Vith that filthy creature out for grabs, ve'll be able to question it for the vhereabouts of its friends. Revenge vill be ours!”
General Snob's Journal posted:
Sandro somehow smelt most of the artifacts I gifted him and performed some kind of ritual with them. He assured me they were going to be put to better use this way and in my foolishness I believed him.
The next day he and that young-looking chained sorceress of him carrying a brush or broom vanished! Along with all of our skeletons! I believe that was the purpose of the ritual, to take control of the armies raised in this land. I've placed a reward for his capture, as this kind of behavior is beyond unacceptable.
“Come, bone-brush girl. You need to increase your pace, or else I'll just zombify you and leave at that, if you can't keep up. The raw magic power I've harvested from the artifacts will dissipate in a matter of days and we cannot abide such waste.
“We've been walking for hours! My feet hurt! And my hands. And my belly. Can't I take a break? At least a bathroom break? We living have our limits. I'm about to burst!”
“Hmm... the skeletons are soon to join us. Very well, I'll relinquish to the weaknesses of your flesh. Be warned, though, if you try to escape my binding spell is going to cut your legs at your knees, so you're unlikely to get far. I have to make sure the ritual will point me towards the Blackshard or the Yawning Dead, anyway. I cannot afford any mistakes now.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zz1g30lNtt4
General Snob's Journal posted:
I've received your orders through the amulet. I'm in the process of discussing it with my advisors.
There's a barbarian warlord that is willing to be the one to unify the tribes, in the name of something he called the “WAAAGH!” (capitalized, he assured me).
A necromancer told me that it would be a prime chance to restore the armies the lich stole from us, as the barbarian armies leave excellent corpses for the reanimation process.
And one of your warlocks advised me that this is the time to show might and strength, that we should corral the barbarians like the animals they are with an Inferno of Dragons (that's what he told me was the proper collective term, here in Enroth).
Right now I'm deliberating in the choice as they offer me ever more interesting favors for the chance to be the ones spearheading this venture into barbarian lands. I'll return to you when one of them finishes convincing me.
Your assuredly still loyal servant
General Snob
This is a resource poor map for us, that's all I'm going to say. Vote away, Goons! Will we choose the Barbarian warlord to unify his tribes, the Necromancers to help swell their ranks, or the Warlock for a good, old-fashioned show of force?
Meanwhile, on the otherside of the coin.
“Well done! Our initial move is an unqualified success. Unfortunately, we have no time to celebrate. The remainder of the local nobility is less than pleased with our recent military victories, and have organized their defenses against us. It is up to you to put down their rebellion, but I will need the forces you raised in your previous mission to secure that region properly. Once again, I needn't remind you of the seriousness of your mission. We must win in order to secure the taxes necessary to finance the war against Archibald. I am giving you the last of my gold to raise the armies you will need to force their surrender.”
Darth TNT diary entry 2 posted:
The secondaries war, day 55.
Dear Diary,
The days have flown past and I have successfully completed my first mission. I have beaten down the lords that may have been considering supporting Archibalds claim.
It was also my first encounter with the necromancer faction, that tower they have is capital Awesome, you can really see the entire map from there and don’t get me started on the light show in that skull.
If only it didn’t smell like the dead in there.
I was expecting Roland to show his gratitude, but instead all he did was congratulating me, steal my troops and send me on another mission.
Ah well, it’s probably important he is kinglike you know? Anyway, in an attempt to curry favor from my lord I have set out for some extracurricular activities.
I have personally created this poster and personally sent some peasants to distribute them. By my estimates this should cause some serious dissention within the Warlock faction. I’m aiming on having the centaur population leave them by spreading rumors and pointing out how terrible their living conditions are. They’re living next to a swamp for crying out loud! I don’t even understand how those centaurs can reach their living quarters with their hooves.
You’re probably curious about my new mission? Well, I’m off to beat down some lords that didn’t like what we did to their neighbors. Roland is doing some amazing magic here though. I can tell him what units I want and he will make arrangements that the correct castle is waiting for me there. I have no idea how he manages this. He also promised the last of his gold.
I’m still not happy about my nickname for these wars. Hopefully the next battle will provide me with some proper inspiration.
All right Goons, I need your help. This time Roland somehow ensures that the castle of our choosing will be waiting for us there. Our choices are underpowered knights, hippy sorceresses or overpaid wizards. Don’t forget Harry’s, we were wizards in the last map. But just choose what makes you happy.