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General Snob, Mission 2, Part 2, A Proud Austrian Warrior-Race
DAY 5
General Snob's Journal posted:
Jojosh has managed to lose most of his troops sieging Weddington while the Orange's warlady was out, but he was victorious. Still, Jezebel, the warlady, has doubled back to recover her lord's fortress.
Jojosh's spotters say that her army is not very big, but does outnumber Jojosh after his losses. My first order of the day was to order a bridge from the goblin engineers of Weddington (never a worse oxymoron was ever uttered, but I guess I'd rather trust goblins to ogres and trolls). I hope some trolls will find it suitable and join our cause, since Ergon is too far to provide reinforcements, but at the worst case scenario, I can recapture the fortress within days of it being taken.
“Warboss Nobnob, the fairies thanked Ergon for dispatching crazy druids and are offering to leave in pea...”
“Pest problem neutralized, spread controlled, they are unlikely to blight the land for this stelar quarter.”
“I mean, Ergon got rid of pesky fairies in our land.”
“Some fools tried to cross the barbarian lands in a caravan. I believe our nomad friends got to them a long time ago.”
“With the gold that kid Ergon robbed from the fairies, I was able to hire a few trolls that wandered by, General. This battle will be a banquet for the ages!”
“That's great news. With the boulders from the trolls, Weddington is most assuredly secured, unless that Jezebel is somehow a great sorceress.”
“That Kreegan-worshiping quim is crafty, but shouldn't be able to tap into any magic source, General.”
“Here she comes! That's a lot of little ones she managed to bully into her service, but even her horde of green goblins and pink halflings shouldn't get through our walls.”
“Hah, is that all you have, harlot? Why did you even bother with wasting you magic? The trolls can shrug it off!”
“It is so the little darlings can finish the job, smooth-scalped traitor!”
“Traitor? But you barbarians are always fighting among yourselves.”
“Oh, pay her no mind, General. She's just being prickly.”
“Speaking of prickly, your halflings will hardly finish anything off after the garrison is done with them.”
“Hah, really Jezzy? Such a rookie mistake to forget to take your opponent's move into account in your plan. You're still green, little girl, and your troops don't like you much.”
“I am not green!”
One thing that might be useful in the offensive, if you're with a ranged-heavy army or have a great magic hero, is to block the drawbridge with a unit. Jojosh can't take his wolves outside because Jezebel's wolves are blocking the bridge, but in her case she's not doing her any favors, if anything, she's the one with the melee-heavy army.
“And just in case you actually get a lucky shot, I think one of my trolls could use a more rugged skin.”
A bit of tactical acumen, the Halflings, despite Darth's reservations, are very powerful T1 units. In fact, each halfling in her army is about as dangerous as her orcs, but much more fragile, making them prime targets.
“Bury the little ones, horrid green matrons! Show her the might she forfeited!”
“Not even your damn scrappy dogs you managed to keep in a leash!”
“Oh, shut up, bald-face.”
“What is that, a great, big laugh coming? BWE HEH HEH HEH!”
“Gobbos, I trusted you!”
“Tell dat to pink ones buried in mountain of troll-rock!”
“Look at that! Your siege-master managed to bring my walls down much faster than my former one. Oh, did I mention I have an opening for a new siege-master?”
“Why? You ate him already?”
“Give yourself a gold star, girl.”
“I'm actually impressed that the dirty peasants you've dragged in lasted this long, really.”
“Ugh! Stop embarrassing me, you vermin!”
“Cry havoc! And let's free my wolves of hunt! And another breach? Your siege master is definitely hired now.”
“Doggies! No!”
“Flawless victory.”
“You're a real meanie, Jojosh.”
“Hah! That's the nicest thing I've been called all week, warring-whore.”
“With his warlady's army disbanded, I can't help but believe the orange lord hes went into finer and greener pastures. Either that, or took his life, if he had a shred of dignity. Hmm... I have to send my wolves searching. Before he gets too decomposed to...”
“Great job, Jojosh! No losses, no less! These trolls really paid themselves.”
“Fine! Keep interrupting me. We're on the offensive now!”
DAY 6
“Here, large-lipped dark-skinned man, Ergon wants you to take a couple of genies and go east! I've seem a large ranch of war-boars that way, I'm sure the genies will help you reason with the ranchers to our gain.”
“I knew I could be of service... wait, did you say Genie?”
“You've settled into this primitive, technologically barren world? That's so sub-optimal a use of your eternal gift.”
“Oh, that's funny. And you did a bang-up job protecting Corak.”
“Yummy. Westfork really has the best watering hole in the salt-flats. Bit salty, though.”
Watering Hole is a slightly rare location. It gives morale for the next battle and restores a bit of movement. In later games this same effect was inherited by some much more common adventure locations.
“What a lovely russky dukh you have. Will you come in and take a look into Baba Yaga's cauldron?”
“I'm, sorry, lovely maiden, but I've already ate. I'm sure whatever you're cooking, it'll make a lovely stew.”
“Oh, what a charming gentleman. Very polite. Baba yaga will let you go.”
What can I say. Witches and cannibals get along?
“We're spread too thin. Who do we have in Weddington to hire?”
“I am the magnificently buff Tsabu of Terra, gargoyle-wrecker and body-builder for hire. May I give you some pointers about sit-ups and how to keep your biceps?”
“Aren't you a little thin-framed for any of these claims?”
“What? You think muscles with the girth of a mountain do you any good? I'm a fighter, not a model. My muscles are perfectly effective for any task without weighing me down or starving me to death.”
“Fine! I need more people and I'm not very picky right now. Go south and take some mines Jojosh couldn't stop for.”
“Ah! Conscripted into war once more! Will do!”
DAY 7
“Don't let those bullies talk down to you! You're in charge.”
“Does the carbon-based life form even realizes the greatness of these he refers to?”
“Just who the hell do you think I am, you floating bowls of water!?”
“No, the carbon-based life form is verifiably deranged.”
“Stop with this 'carbon-based' bigotry! That's why no-one likes us! We ARE racist!”
“Ah, this is better! Nothing like bubbling water directly from the source!”
“The source of water is in comets and in the stellar fusion...”
“You know what I mean!”
“The ranchers are non-cooperative, General. I fear the Genies convinced me to just acquire their assets.”
“And how did they convince you to do anything? You're the one in charge!”
“Mainly? With a lot of bacon.”
“Look what Ergon found, if not the traitor!”
“What? Just because I've got rid of my barbarian name, Kelzen?”
“What? Wasn't it Moradon? Ergon didn't even know Moradon now named Kelzen.”
“No, I'm called Fineous now!”
“One's name is just one's business. Ergon talking about how Kelzen Fineous Moradon sold himself to Roland the weak!”
“What? He paid me! That's what mercenaries do! They work to the highest bid.”
“You still pay for treason!”
“Please, there's a marauding group of orcs between us, what will you...”
“... do?”
“Blue-men-group are very fast and very good at what they do.”
“This green-skinned non-photosythetical creature is intriguing. I wonder what is it's point of fusion.”
“Skittles-based life-form didn't fare any good at the stress-heat test.”
Oh, peasants, always the target practice of the battlefield.
“This one is a veritable source of bacon. Initiating stir-and-fry-protocol.”
“Sorry, blue-men-group, you seem to have lost one of your brothers to the orcs.”
“Unit G/ENyx-33a only ran out of power. It should be up and running in... processing... less than half-a-million local orbital cycles.”
“Many-names-Fineous did have some loot for Ergon, after all.”
“The goblins said I still need some more crystal in order to build their pyramid. Yesterday I had ordered them to have a marketplace done since I've seem no crystal mines, but now they are finished and I just need two more carts of crystal. Now, THAT'S a more reasonable amount of resources for a Pyramid. What are the crystals for?”
“Cyclopses superstitious seer folk. They like to focus into great crystal catalyst that gives them searing laser eye.”
“What? The Cyclopses here in Enroth shoot lasers from their eyes?”
“Short-range bursts. Air gets in way and weaken beam, so not go very far. But powerful. Cyclopses not do that where Warboss Nobnob from?”
“In Antagarish? They prefer to throw boulders like your trolls. And I know I should've put a lid on this 'nobnob' non-sense right from the first time Ergon did it...”
I always found it strange how there are two factions with pyramids in Heroes II, and didn't understand what they had to do with Cyclopses. But looking back, they just wanted to keep the building's they had chosen for the first Heroes and mummies just make little sense to be dwelled anywhere else (but I'm sure a sarcophagus would be fine).
Also, it is a meso-american pyramid design. I guess the Stronghold really does have a history with meso-american themes. Touché, Heroes VI.
“Bad news, General. I heard you wanted crystals so I went for this crystal mine I knew about in the north. Well, turns out Jaclyn here had the same idea. She looks pissed and very bloodthirsty. Fiesty.”
“Close your glutton hole, monster-that-walks. I've come to give you your due.”
“I've dealt with her wolves and her orcs, but she's got a lot of goblins and of her own nomads and I don't have a wall this time. I've used the few tricks I have to try and keep her nomads slowed and put, but I've run out of magics now.”
“Thanks to your pyramid project I can't even surrender to her.”
“Like if I'd accept the surrender of a monster!”
“So I'm afraid a strategic retreat is the only option.”
“Guess it can't be helped then. You should have waited for the Cyclops reinforcements, Jojosh. Though I appreciate your initiative.”
DAY 8
“Condor? All I see are vultures as far as the eye can see, but nothing large enough to be a... oh, wait. I have been misjudging the distance to those cliffs. Yep, these are all condors alright.”
“The great Tsabu of Terra has acquired the sulfur mines for the General of the Snobs. I will now go forth to that gazebo and challenge the knight therein for a duel of locked arms!”
“I see the castle that hired the treacherous Kelzen-of-many-names. The purple lady must be there!”
“I knew I should have kept my way to the far east. Never worth it to stick one's nose into barbarian ordeals.”
“These beings with primitive angled focused blades of iron think their weapons are superior to ours. They do not think so anymore... or at all.”
“Hmm. That's not a good day for unit GN/yie-95b. That'll take a couple of eons to be restored from, at least.”
I was hoping she didn't have level 2 spells. Magic heroes are basically the greatest treat to my genies this early.
“The purple lady of spiders, scourge of the north, is finally Ergon's prisoner! I'm sure capture is too good for her for hiring Moradon-who-changes-names. Just one more to go and the WAAAAAAGH is complete, Warboss Nobnob. And the barbarians of Enroth will be the unstoppable hammer of Archibald!”
“Oh, who am I kidding. There's no point hoarding resources for the mage's guild for the unsophisticated barbarians. Jojosh, I've ordered a third marketplace. Trade everything for all the gold you can except for the crystals the Cyclopses use to make lasers, somehow.”
“Can do, General.”
“Then dispatch that Xena-wannabe. If you fail me again, I can't assure you I'll accept you back.”
“Never allow a barbarian to flee the battle. Honor will bind them to come back in greater numbers, my dear.”
“Since when monster-that-walks knows anything about honor?”
“I know, right! It is such a hilarious concept.”
“Honor is not a matter. What IS a matter is that I've brought back some giant warriors that will not shut up about honor.”
“Get to tha choppa, or fear tha sorrows of eternal damnation, yu filthy honorless pigs! And now, yu DIE!”
Ok, let's talk Cyclops. They are one of my favorite designs in this game, and quite a step up from the imp-looking thing in Heroes 1. They look like a proud warrior caste equipped in greek-ish armor. I really like their balding look, as it implies they are wise monsters while looking baddass since they are also the most buff-looking creatures in the game (though by the barbarian's look their skin is the normal tone. I wonder if the orange tint was supposed to portray a tanned skin that also contrasted better with the brown of certain terrains).
Their stats are a bit lower than the Crusaders, though they are technically a bit cheaper a 750 gold and 1 crystal (depends on the price you're willing to place on rare resources). Their fast speed is an upgrade over their Heroes 1 version which helps the Barbarians out tremendously (the goblins really needed this small buff as well). Their damage and health are both better than the crusader though, and like the crusader they are one of the few units in the game with two specials, and they are very good specials. Their laser attack crosses 2 hexes, possibly damaging a second creature, and every creature damaged has a 20% chance of being paralyzed, which is a nice step up from the Unicorn, as paralyze avoids retaliation and this makes the Cyclops very synergetic with the Wolves, which are great at “waking” paralyzed units. Tough good luck figuring out exactly how the Cyclops' paralyzation works.
“Fine one lads, oinc! Now let us soften them up more before they engage. Then, these riders will be flanked by all sides and victory will be ours!”
Orc Chieftains are a really nice upgrade, but unfortunately they don't really compare to their closest counterparts, the Rangers. Even though they get an increase in stats pretty much all across the board, including damage, they simply cannot compete with double shot and an average speed. At least their high health for a ranged unit makes them resist spells much better than the rangers do. Since the goblins are so mediocre, it usually pays to have a Barbarian army with both Trolls and Orcs in the late game, but you generally want a second very-fast or faster unit to eat retaliations for your wolves. Still, 175 makes them one of the cheapest shooters in the game for their health and firepower.
“Ach! What cyclopean creature is this! We've been had, we give up!”
“So many of puny ones... I... can't go on. Avenge me, brothah!”
A bit of a screw up. I was expecting the cyclopses to kill about 15 goblins there, but their damage fell a lot short of the medium and they got killed in the goblins' turn. Really had more to gain aiming at the goblins with the orcs than taking this risk. A 7 attack hero is no joke, though I feel an artifact is in play, here.
“You really can't get good help these days. Ogres, slaughter the remaining, paralyzed nomads.”
“ME SMASH YOU!”
The ogres were kind of a secret weapon of the Barbarians in Heroes 1, as they were the only truly tough creature the Barbarians had. They have great damage, attack and health for just 300 a piece. Their bane, which is their slow speed, didn't matter much for the barbarians because they were by none the strongest bouncer in the game to have right beside your trolls, making anything short of a dragon very sorry for trying to block them. Interestingly enough, their design with animalistic features like what looks like a protruding mouth makes a lot of people to think that Enrothian ogres grew horns, but in truth that is just a helmet.
“Retreat, retreat! Goddamn goblins, can't take an order if it'd save their lives, which incidentally was the case.”
“Retreat? Oh, no, my dear. You'll be my guest of honor in my supper tonight.”
“I fear to ask what's in the menu.”
“It seems that, thanks to you, it will be cyclopean stew served on an eyeball.”
“Put that cookie down! Yu'll not feast on my fallen brothah, human. No creature underneath a dragon has the powah to such an honor as to feast on our flesh.”
“Fine (I'll wait till after you bury him and look the other way then).”
“Why don't you do us a favor and wash the ogre's loinclothes, it'll save us untold time in the road.”
“(I'll make sure they end up in your stew as well.)”
“What was that?”
“Nothing.”
DAY 9
“Hope the gold is enough to keep you from raiding my watermill every month trying to 'figure out how it wheat goes in and the flour comes out'”
“Witch!”
“Goddamnit, I've told you all already. The wheat is ground into flour!”
"... WITCH!"
“The remains of a long dead caste of warriors still watch over their treasure. Maybe I may be able to reason with...”
“All animated calcium remains have been pulverized. That's what happens when you don't recalibrate your magnetic fields every millenia.”
“You have to stop doing that and waiting for orders!”
“Genie-men make bacon on the go in battlefield. Nice!”
“We've cleared some wild boars to the west, they seem to have been tamed to protect the treasure of a group of outlaw archmages in the region, who've cornered the market for crystal with their cronies.”
DAY 10
“Come a little closer young one, sit on my lap.”
“Dad told Ergon that if older stranger offers to sit on their lap, I should slay him where he stands and make the stranger feast on his own guts.”
“Shit! The gig is up! Uh... would you like some free advice?”
I think this is the first Tree of Knowledge we've encountered? They're like an advanced version of the Gazebo, except they offer straight-up levels. Though usually they ask for a sum, sometimes they do it for free, like this one.
“Ergon don't know why, but feels this was a very lucky development.”
“Tsabu, stop taking initiative without orders. Really, waging an estate you don't have with that knight was the last straw. What if you lost?”
“Lw-ooos... sorry, don't know that word.”
“You can't be serious.”
“Believe me, he is.”
“Take Jojosh's ogres and go to Weddington, I have a special surprise for you lot.”
“What kind of surprise?”
“You'll see.”
DAY 11
“Take these back. Now I remember why I escaped our original designation to live in Enroth instead. They just hustled a poor old knight into giving his properties to me!”
“Ergon fails to see problem in this event, but Ergon did need to restore his blue-men group in order to defeat evil wizards.”
“You've cooked our pets, disbanded our help, what more can you take from us?”
“Ergon was pretty sure that the next step was 'your life'. Why smart wizards can't see the obvious like Ergon does?”
“What? Are you really using SOFTDOORS '149 on this staff? This is a crime punishable by disintegration!”
“PENGUINWARE! Scandalous! You are even worse!”
“Ah, that uncla Jarred. We told 'im that the shield was driving him mad. Hope ye WAAAAAGHness can use it well and not be driven mad. Working for mages. A'ckmages no less, how disgraceful.”
“Wait, spikes on a shield? Ergon can use it both to attack AND defend? Ergon invincible now!”
“Eh, guess 'sanity' was too much to ask.”
DAY 12
“THESE YELLOW BRICKS OURS!”
“Foolish monsters, with the reinforcements brought by that narcissistic musclehead you still think you have a chance to protect your gold mine? Trolls, foooooore!”
The War Trolls, like all Barbarian upgrades, is a very good upgrade. Interesting enough, both Knights and Barbarians seem to follow the same upgrade general idea. But while the Knights usually only increase speed, health and nothing else, the Barbarians usually increase speed, health AND damage. Unfortunately, even with the upgrade the War Trolls are still only fast, and thus outclassed by certain other ranged units who'll get the chance to act first, and are the only barbarian upgrade to not improve their health, though they are already pretty sturdy. It is a very small price increase, as well, at just 700 gold, 100 over regular trolls.
“YOU SMASH? NO, ME SMASH!”
The Ogre Lord, on the other hand is probably the most important Barbarian upgrade. Regular ogres have only one true weakness, their speed. The Ogre Lords not only solve that weakness with an average speed, they also build up on what was already their strengths: their nice damage and great health, increased to what would be the ceiling of tier 4 damage (if Minotaurs didn't exist) and a ridiculously high health for a tier 4.
The price is a bit steep, as it almost doubles the hiring cost from 300 to 500, one of the largest proportional increases after the Titan (which is just ridiculously expensive anyway).
“Yu align for the searing fires, like foretold by the seventh moon of august! Fry, weaklings, fry!”
DAY 13
“Jojosh, regroup with Ergon and poll your resources, I feel there victory is nigh!”
“As you wish, General. I have no problem letting Ergon be the patsy here and test the waters.”
DAY 14
“I've captured one of the yellow lord's alchemical labs. I wonder if that's enough poking-the-nest to draw them out.”
DAY 15
“What? No-one at the doors to welcome me? What the hell is going on?”
“The thieves' guild says they ought to have at least one last heroine in the ranks. Supposedly a very nice opera singer.”
“Damnit! It might be my sister.”
DAY 16
“That's not a good way to start a siege, siege master. What? You can't do as good a job with one less hand? Is that an invitation to serve me your remaining appendage?”
“Take on the ogres, Genies. See if you can devastate them!”
“We halved their numbers, but we did not need to initiate 'devastation protocol'.”
“This is not an authorized pet area. We'll be very happy to neutralize your canines for you. No, not neuter, neutralize.”
“Let loose, you hogs! Blot the sun and the stars with your load!”
I guess I can see why they thought making the orc chieftains shoot twice might be a little too powerful in a faction with so much attack, considering Trolls are usually going to get blocked. Orc chieftains really become a threat when amassed. Downing 6 ogres is no mean feat. This actually saves me one more Genie.
“Victory is mine, and the Fortress of Brownston is ours! If we can hold it's claim, I believe it makes Archibald the true chieftain of the north tribes.”
“Very good, what can I do in order to make sure we keep the claim?”
“Coliseum is pricy, but is great way to ensure claim, keeping all troops happy!”
“Figures you savages aren't happy unless someone is dying a meaningless death.”
“What? Warlocks not murderers?”
“Oh, but every death has an end, in our hands.”
DAY 17
“As Ergon approaches the Frozen Highlands, the goblins start to play a sad ballad with a flute as they freeze to death one by one. Goblins really don't keep well in the cold.”
DAY 18
“Face your death with dignity, woman! Ergon has united the northern tribes, all that is left is for your yellow master to relinquish the land to Archibald!”
“I AM NOT A WOMAN!”
“Uh... Ergon confused. Is yellow lady sure? Jojosh said you were his sister.”
“She is very sensitive about the operation.”
“THERE YOU ARE, YOU RAT! YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO SKIMP ON THE GLORIOUS KREEGAN HIVE!”
“Do me a favor and kill her. These bastards are a real torn on my side and my dining tour.”
“Advance, brothers of Ergon, give us glory!”
“Haste the vista! Now, they will be outta our sight!”
“What in the? Ergon confused. Doggies went mad and darted straight to their pigs, tearing them limb from limb.”
“HEY! THAT WAS MY DINNER! THEY WERE EVEN CARRYING MY SPECIAL BARBECUE SAUCE!”
“Er... Ergon reports that yellow lord is dead. When he told the non-traditionally-gendered barbarian to save him... he/she chomped half his skull right off.”
“Oh... well... very well, good work. Our job here is done. I expect you deliver me the good monthly, like agreed.”
“The WAAAAAAGH! Is ready, Ergon is it's leader, Ergon gives Warboss Nobnob everything he needs.”
“Great!”
Now Archibald has successfully chosen his allies, with the Barbarians joining the Necromancers and the Warlocks on the side of the one true king. In the special update, we'll then choose which of the Warlock's allies we'll favor more for the Campaign.