Toggle Background Color
General Snob, Mission 2, Part 1, I'm on a Highway to Cracklands
DAY 1
General Snob's Journal posted:
Third journal entry in the Succession Wars, General Snob
The travel to the north was as long as it was uneventful. The Barbarian who volunteered to unite the tribes, Ergon, eventually gave me an offer I couldn't refuse: All the spoils of this northern raid.
As we approach the borders to the Frozen Highlands, we eventually reach a desert of high cliffs, salt flats and dry, cracked earth. I never imagined there to be cold deserts, but I guess I have discovered something new.
General Snob’s Journal posted:
Ergon, the mysterious, wolf-hide wearing man, was familiar to me. Later I remembered of a red-headed boy in wolf's clothing that commanded an enclave of Goblins during Morglin's crusade.
General Snob’s Journal posted:
Thanks the Ancients that kid got a haircut. Now he looks somber and more serious about life. This deal of uniting the tribes really must mean a lot to him.
“It called 'WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!'”
“AGH!” 
“No, no. “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!” 
, capitalized. Have to put lungs to work. Strong word. Ergon spoke of this already.”
“Stop reading over my shoulder! And how come you are literate, anyway?”
“Ergon raised by werewolves from Blackshire. When men, taught Ergon of hunt and fighting and marking Ergon's territory. When wolf, taught Ergon of words and letters and how to play Archomage.”
“Ah, Archomage... that brings me memories to some great nights of death and mayhem in Antagarich... wait a minute! Are you sure you haven't confused your guardians' duties there?”
“Ergon knows what Ergon said.”
Ergon is a Barbarian. If the Necromancers are the closest to a balanced hero in Heroes II, the Barbarians are easily the most imbalanced one. They have a measly 5% chance of increasing Knowledge or Spell Power on every level up and even with that head-start on the physical, they only have a 35% chance of increasing Defense. The 55% left ALL go to Attack, because if the barbarians know one thing is how to murder people. Unfortunately, that's basically the only thing they know and are awful at avoiding dying themselves if they don't bring their enemies down before they can strike back. They start with 3 Attack, 1 Defense, 1 Spell Power and 1 Knowledge, and that's just because the game can't possibly let a hero have 0 on the magic skills or it'd completely break the magic system.
They start off with advanced Pathfinding, making all but the toughest terrain as easy as Grass to travel on for a barbarian, the toughest terrains being snow, swamp and desert, which makes them better scouts than Warlocks ON maps with bad terrain.
Like Sorceresses, Barbarians don't have one single skill they overwhelmingly favor over all others, but in general they have very good chances of learning battle-focused or travel-focused skills, while having abysmal chances of learning magic-focused or economy-focused skills. They also have a decent chance of learning Luck, the most elusive skill in the game (not counting Necromancy), at around 12,10% chance per level up of being offered it (2 chances of 6,25%). Only the Sorceresses have a better chance.
General Snob’s Journal posted:
As we reached... Westfork...
“You've got to be kidding me.”
“Proud advanced outpost of Barbarians loyal to Archibald at crossroads. Recently loyal, it may be, but loyal nonetheless.”
“We're at the very end of the road!”
“Crossroads INSIDE outpost.”
General Snob’s Journal posted:
In... Westfork... a group of Nomads were waiting for us. They were managing the outpost before our arrival.
“Great spot, this here. We've been having a bout and raiding the lands for generations, we did!”
“Oh, for the love of... You're NOMADS! Aren't you supposed to do some, you know, nomading?”
“That's racist, chap!”
General Snob’s Journal posted:
Anyway, the outpost is quite in a better shape than Sandcaster was when I first had arrived. Though it doesn't compare to how I left Sandcaster, it's got three archer towers with a company of orc sentries, a moat, a well, a mage's guild with some kind of troll witch-doctor making either soup or a curse in a caldron, some small huts for the goblins and a stick hut for the orcs. All in all, this place is ready to start some pillaging and raiding.
“Always remember rule one of pillaging!”
“Take the gold?”
“No, no. Pillage first, THEN burn.
“We've hid the profits from our previous enterprises in hidden stashes around Westfork, milord! You can start taking them as soon as we leave the walls.”
“Excellent! But first, I must make a decision on what to build to start things off. First off, Ergon, I'm already assuming you have no spellbook. See if the Witch-doctor can arrange you one.”
“Hey, mon. Joo need da best rags committed to a hard-cover, joo do! Just five hundred golden teeth, no more.”
“Ergon not understand strange spirit-speak of witchoctor, but troll took gold and gave Ergon this red square thingie filled with dirty rags.”
“One rag says my skin is rough like stone. Maybe Ergon needs to bathe more. Other rag says something about arrows and Ergon's d...”
“That word is 'tongue', Ergon.”
“Well, third rag says 'Riches for bitches!', dunno what it is.”
View Resource, while not as useful as View Mines, can give you an idea of where to explore first and nab some precious resources to give you a head start over your opponents. Its main problem is that resources that are open for the taking usually already start too close to any castles for you to have any chance of taking. The others might indicate a mine, but either way will be likely guarded.
“Oh, Ergon sees it now. Lot's and lots of riches around Westfork. Then some more resources in a splatter deeper into unkown places.”
“I see... these places where we sense several stockpiles together must be close to their mines, but no way to be sure... And everything else is on the other side of these blasted cliffs.”
“Well, seeing how well the goblin-folk get along with the wolves, maybe we ought to dig a den for the canines to converge into the outpost.”
“Ergon approves of doggies. That is what Warboss Nobnob said, right?”
“Oh, I seem to have a client? Do you want to work for me for 50 gold a week? You can feed the wolves, hose down the dungeons, properly skin my guests...”
“I am going to stop you right there. For 50 gold coins I can't even muster the effort to slay you. You seem to have a good bunch of loyal followers.”
“Help! He's going to eat...”
“Silence, vermin! They're not very polite, though. Don't seem to recognize their betters. They're all in chains, though. Are them all your slaves?”
“Slaves? I suppose. I do work them to death before I feast...”
“I won't judge. So, what do you say? 2 500 gold for you to work for me?”
“It is unusual. I was planning traveling to the south and to the east to offer my services there. They seem to have hundreds of tasty little peasants in those parts. But you know what they say. Travel far, meet new people, discover new flavors. All in one single stro...”
“Good, good. Take the wolves, though. Talk to Ergon. You two will have a lot in common, I'm sure.”
“You! Ergon hear far and wide about monster that walks in human skin, travelled to Enroth from portals of distant lands.”
“Don't be so dramatic, my dear fellow. Besides, if there's one thing I learned here in this world is that barbarians are stringy and low on nutrients. I am no danger to you.”
“So, what monster-that-walks want from Ergon?”
“Just give me the Nomads and the wolves. If you keep going down that road you'll find a few lamps I've hidden in the sand. I didn't have the gems to pay them, but now that we are employed by someone of higher riches, I am sure you'll be able to parley.”
“Not sure what monster-that-walks said, but seems like if I hand him wolves and nomads, he leaves Ergon alone? Smells like a deal.”
“Oh, wolf comes into Hyndla's home to lay with her? Oh, I will surrender to your lustful desires, alpha of the pack!”
“Uh... Ergon firmly believe he might have entered wrong house.”
“Wolf speaks the tongues of men? It is not wolf at all, but man in wolf's clothing breaking into Hyndla's home to trick poor Hyndla into giving herself to it?”
“Ergon agrees to not talk to anyone about it if Hyndla agrees to not talk to anyone either. Ergon thinks both parties are plenty embarassed.”
“Begone, trickster! Liar! Inventor of falsehoods!”
Ergon learns a valuable lesson in diplomacy that he will wish to forget for the end of his days.
“Some dead-that-walk have wandered into the road after our passage. Some fearies guard the passage south. And I see a suspicious bridge over a ravine that leads directly to a lake of pitch and tar.”
“Oh, General, my General, I see a large group of tasty pigs to the northwest, protecting the way to a gazebo and less barren lands.”
“Wait! Wait! General, hire me. I know you've dealt with Wizards before.”
“It wasn't an entirely positive experience. They defeated one of my mercenaries who ran back to my arms begging for another chance.”
“I won't make you any trouble! Roland's general, Darth, has called me horrible names and mistreated me! I wish to lend my powerful magic to Archibald's cause!”
“Do you at least have war-boars?”
“A couple.”
“You're hired! Leave the midgets behind to protect West...fork... and go forth to collect the riches of the land in the name of Archibald.”
“As you wish, my General!”
General Snob’s Journal posted:
“I sincerely have no clue what is the problem I am having of only attracting weirdos with weird, rare skin diseases, monsters, wackos and the like. At least Jojosh seems normal and refined, at last. That man will go places.”
DAY 2
“Why do the ogres require sophisticated brick adobes anyway? You'd think those monsters would have simpler tastes.”
“Dem ogres sure like da sound of bricks breaking, boss. Just crunchy enough to make it fun, but tough enough to not fall apart if dem ogres stumble into a wall.”
“Why do I keep asking?”
“That's odd. Are the ogres now singing the Vampires' 'Ode to Thieves'?”
“Vampires, boss? Dis always been us barbarians 'Ballad of the Raid'!”
“Really? I must be mistaken, then...”
This is another track that got swapped in the MIDI version, since it is originally the Barbarian theme, but the MIDI version places it on the Necromancers. The lyrics are in German and question the intentions of some indeterminate folk, asking if they are thieves and if they are aligning with evil masters.
“Ergon is ready to make dead-that-walks back to just-dead. Or mostly-dead, anyway.”
This is the main problem with Diplomacy. Before you get expert at it, it is ridiculously expensive, as you're paying about 4 times the unit's cost at basic. Sometimes it is worth it even at this high a mark-up for good creatures that compliment your army, but not for zombies... never for zombies...
“Ergon tried talking with dead-that-walks, but they want too much gold. When Ergon asked what they need gold for, dead-that-walks became insulted and attacked, Warboss Nubnub.”
“They felt insulted? I should feel insulted that they thought they were worth this much gold. Dispatch the poor bastards of their miserable, over-valued existence.”
“Goblins, Ergon knows how hard it is for you to focus for too many seconds at a time, but hear Ergon's voice! Charge forwards, and dispatch the Zombies!”
“You heard da boss! Waka, waka!”
Goblins are the tier 1 barbarian units. There's not much to talk about them other than that they do their jobs. As melee units, they're between the uselessness of the peasants and the powerhouse of the skeletons, but aren't really remarkable. Their attack is somewhat high, but their damage is average. Luckily, the Barbarian's high attack is synergetic with their creatures, meaning they'll always do a good chunk of damage. But frankly, Goblins really needed a bit extra speed to differentiate themselves. As they are, they are just disposable grunts. At 40 gold a pop though, they're just slightly costlier than peasants, so it is not so bad.
“Orcs, ready crossbows. Nook!”
“Stoopid human. Oinc! You don't nook a crossbow. You load them.”
“Fire!”
Orcs are the Barbarian's tier 2 units and their weaker shooters. They are very similar to Archers from the knights, except they are a bit more sturdy. Like I had talked about with the liches, sturdy shooters more or less miss the entire point of the unit being a shooter in the first place, so that doesn't really help much. All in all, a very mediocre shooter, though the upgrade solves most of their problems, it doesn't do it to the same extent as the Rangers do for the Archers. At least at 140 gold a pop they are fairly inexpensive, being a bit cheaper than their knight counterparts.
“Other battalion, let loose!”
“Battalion? We're barely a squad. Humans don't know how to count.”
“Concentrate fire!”
“Now, on the southern positions!”
“How goblins say?”
“Waka waka?”
“No, no! The other one!”
“WAAAAAAAAAGH! 
”
“Oinc! This has gone long enough, reload and let loose another one, ya pigs!”
“The dead no longer walk the land. Ergon approves.”
“Do I? Warboss thinks Ergon gets wish?”
“Bah, that's a fairy tale. Genies don't grant wishes.”
“WHO DARES DISTURB OUR SLUMBER OF FIFTY THOUSAND LOCAL ORBITAL CYCLES?”
“Ergon wishes to rush into Archibald's enemies, see enemies driven out before it is too late and pay reparations to their lamenting wives!”
“I... WE... that is not how it goes. Intriguing. Pay us our fee and the necessary gems to complete coding the ritual and we'll be bound to you for as long as the magic contract subroutines feeds us.”
“Gems? For magic? Ergon not exactly powerful warlock, but you talk nonsense!”
Darth already explained Genies pretty well. Always a welcome addition to any early-game army, and a possible tactical nuke to be used by secondary heroes to cripple an opponent's most powerful hero with their special.
“Nomads, take these miners and bring the salt, their demise represent your continued existence.”
“Oh, you've captured the Ore mine? Splendid! Now we have almost everything we need for these simple barbarians to thrive.”
“Blegh, these mining folk taste like coal. I guess I will settle for the Porcs. Oh, what? Captured mine? I guess I did. Slave the rest of the miners and set them to work!”
“Warboss, the Bridge is riddled silly with Trolls! Ergon will try to recruit the bridge-folk!”
“Eh... Ergon believes negotiations could have gone better.”
“Negotiations are for the living. The bridge-dwelling lifeforms are already cornered, and mostly stopped their functions.”
“Is this ghost? Trolls thought Robin Williams was dea...”
“Do not speak the accursed denomination! He who cursed our kin of forever bearing an aquatic skin. Do you have any ideas how many times past associates have asked us to tell them racist jokes?”
“My wish is for your wretched kin to be less offensive to one's olfactory senses. Fortunately for you, your fried skin is not quite so horrendous. But soon the rot will make it something even worse, so I suggest we leave this cursed place post-haste!”
“The blue-man-group vanquished the trolls almost as fast as Ergon could give the orders, Warboss. Very enlightening experience. Blue-men-group dangerous.”
“This means Ergon needs to be more careful. And lead them well, not want to make genies angry.”
“Fry the rest of us not! We acquiesce and join new Barbarian warlord!”
“Ergon is generous and accepts the surrender of troll ladies. That's what troll ladies offered, right?”
“While this is a great development, you unfortunately emptied our treasury in order to pay the genies.”
“But trolls surrendered! Ergon don't feel right having people surrendering to him and not being able to accept their surrender, otherwise Ergon needs to kill them all.”
“What? Why? Alright, alright, I'll see what I can do. Hold for the day.”
DAY 3
“Porcs! Surrender to my palate and welcome a swift death!”
“Oinc! It is monster-that-walks! Shoot them, shoot them dead! I will not surrender! What do we say to God of Bacon?”
“Oinc! NOT TODAY!”
“Fine, be that way. I like my meals better when they struggle anyway. Charge!”
“Shoot the riders! Do not allow them to approach!”
“Too late, Porcs. You're my dinner now.”
“Or rather, some of you are going to feed my wolves.”
“Twice, it seems.”
Wolves are the Barbarians' fastest unit and one of their most powerful... unfortunately, their stats are very skewed for a tier 3. They have a good attack, but atrocious defense. Their hit points are also on the low end for a melee unit their tier. Their special is the ability to shoot twice, but the problem is that they can seldom handle the retaliation very well, and being the Barbarians' fastest unit, means they usually can't help but be retaliated against.
There are two ways to circumvent this: The first is hasting a more sturdy or disposable stack, like the Cyclopses or the Goblins, so they can absorb the retaliation. The second is to dip into another faction and borrow another Very Fast melee unit, or faster if possible. Though even if they only get one attack in, the wolves still have the highest damage of the tier 3 units, so anything beyond that is a bonus, really. And for 200 gold it is not too expensive.
“You, you'll be steak!”
“You'll do a very lean cut of fillet mignon.”
“And I guess you'll do for jerky.”
“I've seem to have won, my general! I've thrown a great banquet to my troops in your honor.”
“Very honorable of you. I just wish all my commanders would follow your lead.”
“I am not eating that!”
“Never forget, shoot where they are going to be, not where they are!”
“Well, that's just common knowledge. But I suppose if not, I'll have to tell shooters I slave to my cause about this.”
“Ah, I can see Weddington from here, but no-one's home? What a waste.”
“Little men want to retreat? Ergon thinks there's no point slaughtering...”
“These weakling small bipods tried to escape, but their short legs were no match for our aether-flux propulsion, master. They are all inoperative now.”
“That was... terrifyingly fast.”
“Well, at least with the treasure of the little men, Ergon can afford the trolls.”
DAY 4
“Seems like they got reinforcements. Anything palatable?”
“Let me see...”
“Our thieves network say there are only some ogres, it seems.”
“A tough but fair cut.”
“The siege-master is not doing his job very well, but we can hold it for a while. Don't need to threaten him if I don't need to. He's already down to just six fingers.”
“That's rough, but I won't lecture on how you manage your personnel.”
“The captain is a sorry waste of space, he poses no threat.”
“Seventh hour since siege, nomads are heavy in casualties, siege master lighter on fingers by the hour and I'm still feeling peckish, but finally the walls are down and we are in.”
“The losses were just north of unacceptable. And I already have way more jerky than I can hope to consume, so this is mostly a waste. What a pity.”
“Eventually, I got in through a secret passage in the rocks. I shall be looking out for odd formations like these.”
“Heh, Weddington is almost exactly like your Westfork, my general. The only difference is that you've hired thieves... while they hired some weakling captain.”
“This is very odd. No sign of enemy heroes? No claimed mines? I'd say the orange warlord's champion had been slain by some errant monster and eaten, but the thieves assure me she is still out there somewhere.”
“Ergon sees some suspicious hooded men to the south. They seem to be guarding a marble very fiercely! The hooded men won't even let some close fairies get any closer, warding the fairies off with warning bolts of fiery death!”
“You think you can handle them?”
“Ergon knows it!”
“I do not believe I am too fond of being melt into subatomic particles by high-density plasma. Quasi-human master, you do have the power to reconfigure our skin density, yes?”
“Ergon hopes genies mean the 'rough skin' rag witch doctor gave Ergon. If so, there you go, blue-men-group.”
“This version of plasma-manipulation XP is expired, via the user's agreement, you must be liquidated now.”
“Ergon believes we are winning, but I still see no corpses, crisp or otherwise. Hooded men very good at escaping, it seems.”
Druids seem to be referencing Star Wars to some extent. Especially their “vanishing but leaving their robes behind” death trick, also known as the “Ben Kenobi's Special”.
“One group of hooded men retaliated against my lady-trolls! They seem to be ok, though, but are kinda pissed at being burned. That doesn't regenerate easy, the trolls tell me.”
“Eat gravel in hell, silly men-in-dress! Bury them under our boulders!”
Trolls are the Barbarian's second and more powerful shooters. They have high attack at 10. Though not as high as Mages, they somewhat compensate that by having a growth of 5 per week (with a well) compared to the Mage's growth of 4. Their damage is also slightly lower, though the upgrade makes them on par. Their main advantage over mages come from their health and regeneration, making them tougher than mages, specially in small armies. The regeneration makes them go back to full health at the end of the turn, so unless you're doing 40 damage to them, you're wasting your time, and even then it means they heal up to 39 damage for free every turn, which is more significant than it seems.
Their main weakness compared to the mages is that they are still weak in melee, like all other shooters, while Mages seem to really know their staff kung-fu. Though their high attack and damage, coupled with their high health and regeneration, makes them one of the ranged units most capable of handling themselves in melee, so they can still hold their own if engaged by weak fliers like Sprites or Gargoyles. Their very low defense, though, means that they are fairly vulnerable to other shooters.
“Ho, ho! It seems ye have got past me bewitched protectors! Ye seem worthy. If ye pay me paltry and fair price, I'll let ye have this rarity of the stormy seas!”
“Eh, Ergon don't see need for jewlery.”
“Jewlery? Jewlery? Ye philistine! I hope the trolls eat ye!”
The Black Pearl is one of the best artifacts in the game and one of the strongest magic artifacts. It increases both Spell Power and Knowledge by 2, which would make decent spellcasters even of our thick-headed barbarians, while making already powerful casters into real powerhouses. More power than that is only achieved by the relics, extremely powerful but rare artifacts. Unfortunately, we are very poor right now, so we're going to have to give it a pass.
“Fear not, younglings of the gods! Ergon is here to defend and protect! Or is it protect and defend? Whatever the case, Ergon is here!”
“You seem nude. Too much skin. Do you really go to battle dressed like that? If so, you'll need every help you can. You don't even hold a shield! Very well, we'll teach you how to make an invisible shield for you, you lazy bum.”
“Clergy men... always so sanctimonious.”
“Hmm... the purple-skinned bitch returns to reclaim her fortress. I did receive more losses than I would have liked. The siege master has already roasted for his uselessness... but I think I need some assistance, General.”
“Harsh but fair treatment. Very well, I will grant what you need. Is there anything I can do in Weddington?”
“Difficult, warboss. Monster that walks killed pretty much what was the last of the forces in the castle. Although... if we were to build a nice, stony bridge of our own we'd probably attract some pretty sturdy boulder-flinging trolls.”
“Then do so at once! And have Jojosh recruit whichever trolls turn up before the woman reaches him.”
Let's cut right here. That siege is going to be interesting. It is almost certain that Jezebel, the Orange lord's heroine, is more powerful than Jojosh, both in army and in levels, but she is a barbarian and will have a difficult time in making a siege, so I have that going for me.
This map is very straightforward and I'm afraid there's no option of real consequence I can give you, goons, so this is it for this update.