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General Snob, Mission 3, Part 1, Bewdiful Creatures
General Snob's Journal posted:
Upon long deliberation, I've decided that the obvious next step is to crush the dwarves. They are tough fighters and the backbone of the Sorceresses armies, ever since these witches managed to create an alliance between the Dwarves and the Elves. Large numbers coupled with their stubbornness to staying alive are two annoying traits, but the nail on the coffin is their natural ability to shrug off magic! That's borderline blasphemous! They must be kept out of this war.
Besides, the Necromancers are fine. I'm sure they can handle themselves and repel this desperate wizardly advance. And if not... well, they'll show they're not fit to be part of our alliance, after all. If they can be defeated so easily.
DAY 1
General Snob's Journal posted:
Upon arrival on Sansobar, I heard from Wrathmont, the administrator of the recently-reformed Castle, that one of my subordinates, Kastore, had already set up to conquest before my arrival. I'd complain, but apparently he had already put to the sword and subjugated the three dwarven towns of Perenor, Tundara and Whiteshield.
Sansobar itself... was a bit of a fixer-uper.
“We just RESTORED the ruins of this old fortress into fighting shape, YOU insolent slob!”
“Whoa, there! I am your superior and General, you ought to threat me with more respect!”
“Impudent, whiny children are to be treated with SCORN and unblemished HATRED! That said, what do you think of your stay so FAR? We don't have much to show for, yet, but soon we'll have a nice bog down there in the back and some AMAZING hedge mazes for children and adults alike. As long as they SPORT bull heads, I suppose, otherwise I wouldn't recommend walking into the maze at all if you're alone. Or accompanied by less than a full REGIMENT of body guards.”
“Well, they did tell me your title was Wrathmont the Chaotic, I think I should have expected this.”
“Yes, you damn WELL should, you arrogant fool! ENJOY!”
“Ah! General, what a surprise! I am a bit spent after these skirmishes and my troops are somewhat dwindled. You may address me as Kastore, your humble servant.”
“I really hoped I could have Stromhild properly taken and it's populace appropriately enslaved by the time of your arrival, but I'm afraid that won't be the case. How rude of them for forcing this vexing position onto me. I've been observing for a while, and they have more dwarves than my centaurs have arrows to deal with them.”
“Ah, finally, someone treating me with respect. Good. Very good. But... I am the one calling the shots. While I appreciate your initiative, you should be more mindful of your actions.”
“Oh, worry not. I know I mustn't come off as too competent, otherwise the grunts will start wondering why we even need to have a general at all! Isn't that right?”
“Yes, yes, that's right. You're absolutely correct... wait a minute...”
“G'day, General, sir! Arie at your service. We've done some good work on these short whackers, for sure. I've nothing to whinge, but the sooner you get some more of these bewdiful critters for our armies, the wooblier I'll get!”
“Hmm... right. I see. Now, Kastore... do you have a dictionary I can use with this fellow here? I've got no clue of half the words he uses.”
“He comes from a far-off land full of lunatics called Jadame. Well, to be fair, you're all weird and strange to me, too, but I admit he is even further south than the rest.”
“Look, I'm no fossicker or anything, for sure, but that to the south sure is a gold mine these short pommies are working in! And they say these grog-gobblers don't hoard gold.”
“Did you say gold mine? Can you evict them?”
“Take a good squizz. It's possible, I suppose, but not very likely. I'd need a few cobbers to take on them for sure.”
“Oh, just conscript a few dwarves from Whiteshield and you should be good to go.”
“Good-o, mate.”
“Aight, you bunch of posh poms! You think you're hot stuff, but you ain't! Now, here, my goyles are a bit ravished, and maybe I can feed them, maybe I can't. It's up to you all.”
“Och! Point yer ugly stone-monsters that way! We'll fight, ye monsters, just leave our families be.”
“Good pom, you are!”
“I've taken the liberty of assaulting this observatory to give you a better idea of our strategic situation, General.”
“To the west, we've got several unprotected sites of interest, assuming one can get past that large group of highwaymen blocking the way. They're asking for a toll, but I'm sure you'll agree with me their only chance of getting our gold is from our cold, dead hands.”
“I concur. I'd first burn the whole continent into ashes before I'd part with a single coin just to follow a road.”
“To the southeast I can see a skeleton in some lavishing boots. I suspect the boots must be a powerful artifact, unfortunately it seems a wild black dragon has got the same idea and nested close to the boots claiming it as his treasure. Don't bother scrying, he is well ridden, but I assure you, he is there. Wrathmont could confirm that, if you are skeptic.”
“Not good. If it was anything else, it'd be as trivial as empower one of you and then fry it with a lightning bolt or something. But I have a plan that should deal with that dragon by next week, if everything goes well.”
“There's also an unclaimed ore mine just north of the boots.”
“What? That's only a day's travel from Sansobar! Why haven't Wrathmont claimed it yet?”
“I've got important work TO do at the castle, you vermin! These centaurs won't learn HOW to climb rocky cliff faces by themselves! Hmmm... OR maybe I don't care if they do. Very WELL, I'll do your grunt work.”
“This castle is in a pitiful state and Archibald skimped on me this time for resources... I wonder what I should commission first.”
“Why, there's still some odd remnants of the griffin nests from Alamar's time. It'd take barely much effort to restore them and attract these vicious predators.”
“Yes! Do this!”
“Goddamnit! This isn't even a scrying channel, I'm talking with the quartermaster in person. How the hell did you manage to intrude?”
“Oi, we Warlocks are natural scryers, we are! Not hard, not really. Just taking a bit of a squizz, no harm.”
“Keep your eyes and your ears to yourself. Fine, though I'm just more used for griffins to be used against ME by that blasted Gryphonheart family.”
“Tamed griffins? Bah! Might as well de-beak them. Griffins are at their best wild and bloodthirsty! Ours are nothing like these kitties you are used to in Antagarich. They are not tamed, just more afraid of our magic than they are of not filling their gizzards.”
“They DE-BEAK griffins in Antagarich? MONSTERS!”
“We're spread too thin. Wrathmont, I'll hire another warlock to help you manage Sansobar. Let's see who's available... oh, no. Not YOU!”
“How dare you vandalize and then claim one of Alamar's old fortresses! The historical value of this site is incalculable, Sansobar is where he mustered his forces before the final confrontation with Morglin the usurper and...”
“If I pay you gold will you shut up and assist us?”
“Hmmm... I suppose I could suppress my righteous indignation for a couple thousand gold pieces.”
“Great! Take these and go north, take that crystal mines from these dirty goblins! Besides, they're probably only trying eat it or something.”
Barok, like our other 3 Heroes, is a Warlock. Warlocks, Sorceress and Wizards are the main Magic Heroes in Heroes II, with the same chance of growth of Attack and Defense at very low 10% each, but Sorceresses favor Knowledge at 50% chance of growth, while Warlocks favor Spell Power at the same rate. Wizards keep both at 40%. Warlocks basically are the go-to heroes to wreck stuff with magic.
Warlocks have very poor chance of learning economic, adventure or battle-related skills, but are great at learning any magical skills, in special Wisdom. The only exception on the adventure side is Scouting, which they start already advanced presumably thanks to a scrying prowess, making them great scouts with their very fast Gargoyles. Thanks to their initial spell power of 3, they are among the best heroes to recruit to hold a siege if you don't have a level 4 mage's guild (a very likely affair), since they can send out two 75-damage lightning bolts or three 60-damage cold rays, which are generally enough to decimate weaker shooters and flyers, but don't expect it to save a city from a real attack.
Another oddity is that Warlocks are the only ones besides the Necromancers capable of learning necromancy. While tempting, this map is full of dwarves in not-that-large groups, and the Warlocks are very unlikely to improve it on level up, so I won't go out of my way to learn it this map unless in the place of an undesirable skill. Besides, without some strong buff to morale either by Leadership or artifacts, it is a risky ordeal.
“The ore is NOW ours and accounted for. I've filled it with SLAVES to collect it for our glory. Such a base and dirty resource, barely WORTHY of our cause.”
“Let loose, you bunch of equine sub-humans. Prove you're worth something in your wretched life!”
“Ach! Not now! Goblin-folk finally about to figure Cyclops laser! Well... not about to, but crystals important first step.”
Centaurs are...
“Centaurs are bewdiful creatures! The better part of man, the better part of horsies, all magnificent!”
What the...? How did you...
“We've trained them on bow and arrow, for sure. Smart critters, they are. The basis of the whole warlock army, and sturdier than all the other cannon-fodders.”
Well, too bad they're shooters, so all that health is mostly wasted. At least if they were melee units...
“Oi, mate. That health is still good. Take a novice warlock casting Lightning Bolt on a bunch of halflings and it'll blow away twenty five of the wee lads. Do it against a company of centaurs and only fifteen will bite the dust, for sure. And they're faster too.”
Fine, but as much as a tier 1 shooter can be an asset, having them as the only shooter is a setback. They do less damage than Halflings do and are nigh-impossible to protect thanks to their large bodies. They're the only large shooter on all factions. All in all, a lot of inconveniences. And they even manage to be more expensive than Halflings for all these setbacks at 60 gold a pop...
“It doesn't matter, mate. What they do is give support to Griffins and Goyles in the start, who can't do all the damage themselves. Later on you don't need them too much, unless you really want an archer at any cost.”
“Advance, get right on their faces, you super-evolved chickens!”
The Griffins are...
“Bewdiful little critters. Yes, they are!”
I guess this can't be helped...
“Don't worry mate, I know these beasties better than I know myself, for sure. I can take from here. Griffins are powerful critters, they are. Some of the best damage in their bracket for only 300 gold, on pair with their peers, losing only to those bucket-headed golems of them wizass. Well, that and wolves, if you account for their ferociousness.
Griffins are like much more mobile mummies, but they're relentless, attacking anything and everything trying to get the best of them, retaliating every time.
Their best spot is blocking the best archers on your enemy's army, so they can retaliate against both their bodyguards and the archer. Solid, useful beasties.”
“Hah! You think you've got the upper hand? The griffins aren't done! They're restless, tireless!”
“Go, you hideous beasts, finish the job, since that's all you're good for!”
“Oh, what a bewdy! Feral goyles, creatures made of stone and marble! Tough little critters they are, for sure. The wizass of Antagarich are making artificial Goyles through golemcraft, but I tell ya, nothing beats the real deal. Tough enough to take a hit, fast enough to always go in first to block any pesky elves and whatnot.”
And puny enough the only kills they're raking anywhere is on peasants.
“Aye, fine. That cold gaze of them could be a little bit more deadly 'aight. But it is not THAT bad, it is as powerful as a zombie's bite.”
You're NOT getting ahead by comparing them to zombies. Nothing does short of peasants. But fair is fair, they're difficult to deal with. Somewhat sturdy. Good stats overall. They're just too much like a swarm of mosquitoes. Annoying, but not at all dangerous. But I guess that at 200 gold a head they're about as cheap as a Warlock creature comes at their bracket.
“It is a shame that I have to claim this crystal mine to the offspring of the usurper instead of the almighty and worthy Alamar, but I'll...”
“You'll manage. Otherwise you'll be dismissed. Via dragon digestion.”
DAY 2
“You might want to have a dungeon made, General. They are impressive works of architecture that will inspire your subjects to pay better taxes. And nice place to send those who refuse to do so, I might add.”
“A bit pricy, but you're right. Make sure it is well trapped and that we get the best and most sadistic dungeon master in the land!”
“They say all his dice are covered in ones and he refused The Tomb of Horrors because it was too gentle on his subjects!”
“What?” 
The Dungeon is a nice way to make up for the outrageously expensive later Warlock troops, but to balance it out the Wizards really ought to also have something similar. All in all, though, the Wizard's and the Warlock's special buildings are without a doubt the best ones in the entire game, even if just for the fact that they're not just defensive bonuses.
“There's a black dragon alright. I shall TAME it for our greater glory.”
“No you shall not! If you try all you're going to tame is your destiny, because you'll have chosen the time of your death.”
“That still seems like a FINE deal. But perhaps I shall choose my destiny and decide to NOT die today. But I promise you, that DRAGON shall meet it's destiny by MY hand.”
“General Slob, after taking Barok's army I've visited an Observation Tower and from it I saw a MERRY band of dwarves rolling on the coins spewed by a Bag of Endless gold! We cannot ALLOW such happiness, we should forever annihilate such a travesty against economics!”
“Or, you know, take it for ourselves. In fact, I feel I must be quite clear about that. I order you to take that for ourselves.”
“If so pray that the gods of price fluctuations and inflation do not turn their gaze into your POOR soul.”
“I'm gonna take the chance and rob these goblins of their precious gems when they're looking the other way. We'll certainly find a better use for them than they could ever hope to.”
“General, I've seem to have found a very peculiar tree to the north of the Observation tower. When it was splintered in twain by a lightning bolt, this Flail was exposed.”
“What a happy accident. This is the Thunder Mace of Dominion! One of several weapons forged to subjugate and instill fear in the hearts of all who oppose it's wielder, making them falter in their defense.”
“Yes, a happy accident. No blasters involved.” 
“Right through the gullet! General, I'm in the process of liberating that gold mine from these fossicking gnomes.”
“We are DWARVES.”
“Same thing.”
It is curious how Colony seems to be the only Ancient planet in the Spinward Rim without gnomes. Well, that and Ashan, I suppose (if Might & Magic X wasn't just teasing us). On the flip side, it has halflings, which were absent in the franchise before that.
“Go, my bewdies! Go and make your work, keep the gnomes away from our horsie-people.”
“Squad, advance wide, don't let those stinking gnomes get past you. Centaurs, loose!”
“Och, that is starting to get a bit personal, lass.”
“Good one, goyles! Without their leaders, the dwarves are now free pickings, for sure!”
“Now's the time to advance, you poms! Take some ground for us, will ya?”
“You did good, goyles! Uh... I guess it is only one goyle now. Retreat, you can be more useful later. You held those gnomes for a brave while.”
Even though it was only a few gargoyles, they managed to hold their own for a long time. That's their best use in the early game, keeping the enemy units busy while your centaurs do their work.
“Now gang on that group of gnomes to your north! Pick them one-by-one, show them who are the better poms!”
“Can ye quit it with the 'P' word?”
“There, that's the last of them. Good gnomes, you are!”
“Mine's ours, General.”
“Great work, Arie. Didn't expect you had it in you.”
“What I had in me were lots and lots of magic arrows shot from my tongue. I must admit I'm a bit spent, though, for sure. And I taste some splinters.”
DAY 3
“Now, to supplement our already decadent income, I advise building a statue in our homage to instill the peasants into paying even more to our cause.”
“I can't complain about more gold, if that's what you're implying.”
“G'day lord general sir. This merchant here just sold me a powerful magic artifact. It uses glass magic to make stuff far away look much closer. I wonder if it works like our scrying crytals.”
“FOOLISH dwarves! They seem to HAVE abandoned this sawmill. Guess they don't appreciate woodwork like WE do. I'll make them appreciate it even if it KILLS US ALL!”
“GOLD for a lucky horseshoe? Never seem a better deal since that time when I was younger and sold a single bag of BEANS for a whole cow! Magic beans, heh, kids will BELIEVE anything. It wansn't even A big bag, more of a pouch, really.”
DAY 4
“Ace! I've decided to donate some gold I found in a chest to these starving gnomes.”
“Dwarves.”
“And among them was this old ranger who taught me many neato things, General. Including the best way to traverse this bloody cold snow. If only I also knew what 'tennis rackets' are.”
“You will BOW before me and do my bidding AND I will destroy you all!”
“Isn't that 'OR'?”
“Hmm, you're RIGHT! The way I SAID you'd have no reason to do my bidding at all! What a RIOT!”
“GAH! The Sorceress are attacking! Take cover!”
“What? No, we're just finishing building the Crypt. The Gargoyles are attracted by the dead.”
“Then what's that sound?”
“That's just the resident pyromancer. He's cranky because we haven't built a mage's guild for him yet.”
“I could swear it was the 'Nature's Hymn' from those witches...”
Yeah, the Warlock's theme in MIDI was instead the one from the Necromancers, while the Sorceress got their theme. I must say, that's one that doesn't fit the Sorceresses at all, their normal theme is much better suited for them, it is the only one that made me raise an eyebrow when I didn't know that the MIDI themes were wrong.
The lyrics are about reckless use of fire and threatening an “arsonist's punishment”. Very appropriate for the destruction-happy warlocks.
DAY 5
“Oi! Look what I found inside a treasure chest! Another of these 'Dominion' thingies!”
“And some chubby poms taught me how to haunt the living!”
“When you're training savage beasts, you have to make sure you look bigger and meaner than them! That's how you get their respect!”
“Oh no! I'm not BIG! I guess I'll settle with setting indolent griffins on FIRE!”
“Eh, guess that works too. If you don't care about traumatizing your pets.”
“Now that we've got the Crypt and the Nest in place for some fertilizing, we can spend the gems gathered by Kastore to magically grow and enchant a magic hedge maze, so inscrutable and sturdy it'll please the minotaurs of the land. They are great executioners and torturers! And warriors too, I guess, but that's minor extra, to be frank.”
“Excellent! Borak, stop sitting uselessly on your ass and take these minotaurs to wreck something and bash some skulls!”
“Uh? What? Who? Where am I? Is Alamar back on the throne yet?”
DAY 6
“I'm here to collect TAXES! Bring me the bag of ENDLESS gold! And CATCH!”
“Never! The bag isn't even ours! AGH!” 
“Wait, DID I say taxes? I meant to say I'm here to char your bones and SALT your earth! The bag is just the NATURAL consequence of those other actions.”
“Good EYE, bibrachian quadrupeds! I knew I kept you around for something.”
“Now surround the enemy toys, RIP them apart!”
“Och, we're not toys!”
“Ach! The toys, they TALK!”
“Good one, CHICKENS! That WAS the last of the northern forces.”
“SCREE! BAWK!”
“What do you mean the next group will cut you DOWN? That can't do. No, that can't DO at all!”
“Very WELL, this is going to patch you right up! Incinerating those WOUNDS into submission! Knew my trip to Perenor wasn't a complete WASTE!”
That griffin was at 5 health, meaning it just couldn't possibly survive 6 dwarves doing a minimum of 12 damage. This is basically why Battle Dwarves are so tough, they are Tier 2, and yet their stats are about on par with the Griffins and Mummies, who are Tier 3, except for their health. And tier 2 creatures get 2 more growth a week than tier 3 ones. Thanks to that heal, the Griffins can take one swing now.
Sometimes it just pays more to make sure a stack goes unscathed than to just blast an enemy off.
“GOOD toys, very good. Keep them away FROM my quadruped bibrachians!”
“Ye may defeat us, but our master will make mince meat of ye!”
“Hah! That WAS the last one. And now for THE prize!”
“Oh, WHAT the shit...?”
“Who DARES slaughter my entertainment? 
I tossed that gold-fabricating trinket amidst these oompa loompas and they offered me WEEKS worth of laughter, and now I come and see their limbs scattered and their guts filling some gizzards!”
“SCREE!”
“I AGREE with the chicken. THIS was a misunderstanding. You can keep the BAG, I'm sure MORE dwarves won't take long to follow your gold.”
“You have only until my stomach ROARS! Then, I can't make promises.”
“Very well, come back to Sansobar, Wrathmont. I know a way you can deal with that Dragon. And the other one for that matter. Meanwhile, pass your troops over to Arie.”
“That's preposterous! What would goblins want with gems? Do they think they'll learn magic by shattering and snorting them? Minotaurs, dismember that rabble!”
“DIE, you punyling!”
“Now, that's just GORGEOUS! 
Bullmen are some of the most bewdiful little monsters! Smart like men, murderous like psychopaths, and stronger than a full grown bull, for sure! Only the Ogres can really challenge them for strength, but while these bewdiful maze-dwellers aren't as sturdy as ogres, they are much nimbler and know how to defend themselves much better.”
The Wizards' rocs are close in power, tough, and they can fly. For the same price of 400 gold.
“It may be so, but except for the flight, the Minotaurs still outperform them in almost every way. And their kings... ah, their KINGS!” 
“I'll relieve your bowels from your innards, walking lettuce!”
“Yes! Nothing better than the sound of goblins being slaughtered in the morning!”
“Now pass the Minotaurs along to Kastore and then go back to Sansobar. I'll need you at the ready there for some other deliveries. With just a couple of Minotaurs Kastore should be able to clean the rabble that infect his area. Maybe even capture a town or two.”
“What other deliveries, may I ask. Haven't I done enough for people that aren't even Alamar proper?”
“Oh, you'll see.”
“It sure ain't easy to bury all vegetation under sulfur to make the perfect stew of putridness fitting a swamp, but it is well worth it.”
“Finally, I have the means to take this Sulfur mine from these pesky goblins. Do you know what they use the sulfur for? When they don't (dear Ancients) smoke it, they use it just to prank each other because of the smell. So disgustingly easily amused.”
“Advance, my mighty Minotaurs! Meet them halfway! Start the slaughter you so deserve.”
“Noooo! That's my splee! AND spleen! You mean!”
“I'll feed you your own teeth, and nose, and arms, and legs. When I'm done, you'll be completely inside out!”
“And loose! Good volley, good volley, that was the last of them. That's the mighty of the Minotaur. Two dozen goblins surrounded and flanked one of mine, and all of them met only slaughter!”
“MOO, MOO, GOBLINMOTHER!”
“Now that we've conquered this mine and manned it with self-propelled carts and enslaved serfs, we'll have the resources to lure and tame Dragons at last!”
“Hmm, that manufactured Giant has a large complex machine incrusted in it's back. Seems like a navigation matrix... I mean, a compass. It must be enchanted to to always show the best way through land and sea, General, but even though I have faith in my minotaurs, they're still too few to face something ten times their size, unfortunately.”
DAY 7
“NOW I can take that blasted village, and before the week is over! A bloody curse upon your axes' edge and your arms' muscles, puny creatures. Minotaurs, charge!”
“You call that an Axe? THIS is an AXE!”
“They are after my heart! Say, General, when am I going to get reinforcements?”
“Now, my pretties, get to the backlines, keep the other group busy.”
That's the best thing about having a sturdy very-fast unit, they can eat the retaliation so the heavy-hitters can stay safe, or hold off slow melee stacks and delay their approach even more. When you look at the Warlock line-up, it just makes so much more sense and is so much more cohesive (or at least synergetic) than the Barbarian one.
“Surround the last group, let none escape!”
“Your bones, they are hard to break. But we won't back away from a challenge!”
“Och, ye think ye're big? We've been fighting big stuff our whole lives! Ye don't scare us!”
“Blasted dwarves, they actually managed to rally cut down most of my gargoyles and one of my 'Mighty Murderous Minotaurs®' before I had the chance to order their retreat.”
“Tell... my enemies... that with my last breath... I still declared... my undying hatred of a million Suns for them...”
“You, holding your arm by a single strip of muscle, back off, you've done your best.”
“That's just a flesh wound! A Minotaur never surrenders and never gives quarter to his enemies. But we're not crazy to go against the wishes of our Warlock masters...”
That minotaur only had 1 hp left and unfortunately Kastore doesn't know Heal like Wrathmont, so I have no option but to retreat him.
“Yeah, we're out. It is the last dwarf but our arrows keep bouncing off their armor... guess we'll keep close to tag in with the minotaur.”
“Just die already, ye beast!”
“I'd rather do that than hand the glory to a lowly Centaur!”
“I've got some losses, but in the end of the day, Stromhild is ours. These dwarves will now suffer under our iron-rule!”
“Very well, quartermaster, since the week is about to end, have your masons dig up a well for the new batch of recruits, will ya?”
“Dig up a well? Of course! Bring in the Iron-Borer, the Mantle-Buster, the Surface-Boinker!”
“Oi! You having a naughty without me at the castle?”
“Breath in, breath out, breath in, curse your enemies, breath out, with this meditation you can recover your magic reserves twice as fast!”
“So the trick is to not curse my enemies every breath? Good oil! Who'd ever have thunk?”
“Hmm... interesting. I've been reading CHICKEN entrails wrong. ALL wrong! So MANY wasted poultry. At LEAST I had chicken.”
“Amateurs. Every orc know: the feet has the best auguries and taste.”
DAY 8
“Ah, a new week and new beginnings! New ventures for all.”
“We'll start with an improvement. Quarter, which monster can we give a pay raise?”
“Only the minotaurs. Their Kings might be a misnomer, but it is a title bestowed into their sturdiest and fastest, able to reach their enemies in a single powerful charge, and they will only come to mazes with a proper gate grown.”
“I've seem what the Enrothian Minotaurs can do and they do not disappoint. Very well, do so at once! Barok, take the Hydras and the Minotaur Kings as soon as they arrive. Take them to Wrathmont and Kastore, respectively.”
“Alamar was the first to tame the wild Hydras. And now seems like any amateur warlock can claim his glory...”
“Dragon BEAST! Meet YOUR destiny!”
“ANOTHER punyling, daring to try and steal my WONDERS for their small and meaningless ploys?”
“Dear bundle OF snakes! You shall receive now the greatest boon or gift anyone CAN ever hope for! THE blessing of Wrathmont!”
“See what I do with your stone servants! My FIERY breath spares no flesh, metal or mineral! Nothing is left other than dust, other than ashes. This is my wrath, meet it with the despair it deserves!”
“Foolish arrogant LIZARD! You've activated the trap in my DECK of cards! That gargoyle was but a lure to GET you closer to my bundle of snakes!”
“A what cute little hydra! Yes you are, you manifestation of horror and hopelessness! Suuuuuch a bewdy. Hydras are powerful and unmatched swamp dwellers with a penchant for anything and everything that moves. And I mean EVERYTHING. Everything's a delicious sanger for a hydra and they'll make sure to take a bite of everything and everyone dumb and brave enough to get close. I volunteer!”
Too bad they're very unconventional for a true role in the Warlock ranks. Centaurs aren't important enough to be protected nor are sturdy enough to survive any threat a Hydra has to deal with, and their mobility leaves a lot to be desired so either Haste or better mobilization spells are a must to take full use of them. And 150 coins a head (for a 750 per hydra) means you really need to know you're going to put them to use, otherwise it is better to not even spend the gold, as it is something the Warlocks usually won't have to spare, even with the Dungeon.
“Aye, but they're big, and bad. Almost as tough as them one-eyed aberrations from the sandgropers. Teleport one of them into an enemy's castle walls and you don't even need a catapult to win a siege. Their many think-boxes mean there's never an opening for retaliation, while at the same time meaning they're always a threat to EVERYONE. Such a bewdy, makes you really respect nature and it's wonders.”
“It cannot... be! Lured... like a Green... into the maws of death...”
That's one of the greatest use for the hydras. They're too slow to make much of an impact in lesser battles from your main, but you can give them to a secondary hero and use them to clear dangerous monsters and powerful melee stacks at very little loss.
“Oi, shorties! Join me or become Hydra chow. I'm fine either way!”
“Jaudie bastard. You'll never get away with it!”
“I don't care if I get away with anything! I've been witness to the wonders of this world and it can take me at any moment it pleases. But I'll also make it proud of me before it comes to that, mate.”
DAY 9
“Oi, you gotta pay if you wanna cross!”
“Oh, I will pay. Do you accept your own severed heads, or do I have to settle it with your bowels?”
“We ain't scared of... AIEEE!”
“This is but a taste of the gigantic mistake you've made. And now, the main course. Minotaurs Kings, close down, do not let them approach the centaurs with their limbs still attached!”
“More arrows! Keep going lads, we're almost there! We just need to get past these bull-headed... say were these always this tall?” 
“Blimey! They ARE tall! And they cut big Jimmy in half like he was kindling!”
“Oh, that's where it's at! Minotaur Kings are worthy of their name! With them recruited, all of our monsters save the Hydra can threaten the other side of the battlefield as soon as the battle starts. Truly, they are king among their peers.”
Too bad they are about the only-ish upgrade in the entire warlock army. On the other hand, the other creatures are well-rounded as they are, and this upgrade pretty much fixes the Minotaurs' only area where they don't excel, their just-average mobility. The extra health is no laughing matter either, but they weren't push-overs before, that just takes them even further into 'great' territory. Large stacks of these are about one of the most terrifying things you can find in the field. 500 gold is almost as expensive as Paladins, though, and Paladins are certainly more powerful. But also a full 2 tiers above.
“Hey! A couple got through and cut down one of our mates! Take our vengeance on the ones flanking the minotaurs!”
“That was a good display, my minions. We should redeploy these defensive tactics in the future. And that magnetronic device they had... I mean, this scrying crystal, will also be a good addition to our cause.”
“Great! This is a good way to set up a disruptor field. For this tribute, I shall let you live another day, wriggling worms.”
“We really get no respect on Archibald lands.” 
DAY 10
“We've invited some unsavory types to our castle, like you ordered. They said Arie is our strongest, though they don't know if he is stronger than Astra, the championess of the blue lady. You also have the most minions, it seems.”
“Astra again? I guess she really holds a grudge.”
“There's a campfire in the middle of a territory dispute between shamans and druids to the south. I'll ransack the camp and force both to teach me what they can about their primitive ways.”
“Sounds like a good plan, don't let me keep you.”
“Now I've got lots of battle-ready shorties! This'll be a piece of piss!”
DAY 11
“The Centaurs are complaining about thirst. I suppose they are very far from the well and we don't make it any easy for them to make the trip. We could use the Rock-Mater to perforate into a fountain and divert a waterfall into their little hole.”
“Will that make them happy?”
“I believe 'less miserable' is the more accurate term.”
“Fine, make Barok train up the minotaurs as well, or switch them for Kings, whatever it is you do to promote them. I don't really care for the details anymore.”
DAY 12
“I've arranged for this water miller to contribute to our cause. And the Minotaurs barely had to threaten destroying his family or house. Oh, and he was generous enough to tell us there's another dwarven village to the northwest called Greywind. I think I'll give them a visit.”
“Protect Greywind with your lives, lads!”
“Oh, that can certainly be arranged! But first, my welcoming wave.”
“Och! What is this? Me armor, it feels soft like putty.”
My favorite way to dispatch dwarves? Making sure they'll bleed.
“Me skull! The helmet, it does nothing!”
“Whatcho doing with me runed boulders?”
“Yeesh! The gig is up! Run you poms, run! And take the boom-rocks with ya!”
DAY 13
“The dwarves haven't come back, yet you do. My stomach has long roared, and now you shall quench my thirst for blood and sate my hunger.”
“First you'll have to DEAL with the bundle of snakes! Blessed by yours TRULY!”
“Die, roast and BURN, you indignant vermin that fancies itself our equal!”
“You can burn them ALL you like, but I'll keep burning THEM back to shape and CAUTERIZING your burns!”
“How... in this world... did that... actually work?”
“WHAT a sham! It pours GOLD, then it stops. Sure, tomorrow it'll BE filled again, but that's hardly endless, IS it?”
“Someone's trying to invade! It is not Astra, but some other Sorceress named Carlawn. Arie, you're closest, pursue her and recapture anything she steals.”
DAY 14
“I'd love to, but she's a bit far still. I'll make a detour to get a closer squizz at what's so great that these tin-men are protecting.”
“That's the Divine Breastplate of Protection! It seems they are were placed there to mine the gems to power this wondrous armor. It can project a powerful barrier when the enemy charges your ranks. You're right, it is a worthy detour.”
“These dwarves are guarding a tomb like it WAS a great prize. This cannot STAND! Whatever's inside, it has TO be ours! Go, bundle of SNAKES, you have the blessing of Wrathmont, the talkative!”
“Like incinerating FISH in a barrel! Ever THE easiest task!”
I like it how they made sure to make the Hydra's heads occupy EVERY adjacent hex when they attack.
“WHAT's this? A BRASS carriage with lightweight wheels to carry my sack of gold? You shouldn't HAVE!”
“Take this, valiant and powerful Warlock. These dwarves accused me of witchcraft and locked me in that tomb to rot! Can you believe that?”
“Silly toys, can't they SEE you're obviously a well-endowed necromancer?”
“Yeah, it is like they don't even know the difference!”
This map is really chokeful of powerful artifacts. This is the best Spell Power artifact in the game, after the Spell Power relic. +4 Spell Power turns even the most inept street magician into a powerful Warlock, and veritable Warlocks into walking natural disasters.
“I don't like these sorceresses walking into our territory, even if it is at the edge of it. Quartermaster, you better dig a moat around the castle of Sansobar, just to be sure.”
“It won't set us back much, especially since we already have activated the Earthly-Coit...”
“Just how many names do you have for that thing?”
“General, I've almost made it to a group of dwarves standing in front of a magic portal. I wonder where it leads to? Do I have permission to attack them at dawn and sate my curiosity?”
This is it for now. Two weeks in and we have lots of options. However I have lots of heroes and the means to pursue most of them, so this time there won't be a vote. Next, we breed some dragons and finish this map, but first, we take a peek through the portal.