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General Snob, Mission 4, Part 1, Betrayal of the Damned
General Snob's Journal posted:
Roland the usurper has made contact. He tried to entice me with grandiose words of honor, duty and purpose. I noticed he left “loyalty” out of his little speech. Then he offered me money, but when I asked about concrete quantities he was somewhat evasive about it.
Besides, it would be hell working for him. “Why did you slaughter that village?”, he'd ask. “Why did you send that Hero to his death?” he'd question. “Why did you feed all those pretty sprites to a hydra?” he'd interrogate me in disbelief. I have my methods, and if I'm to succeed I have to be left to act as I please.
Also, Archibald is much more willing to look the other way as I pillage the land and fill my coffers.
General Snob's Journal posted:
Since I'll have allies in this mission, I'll choose to run skirmishes and interference while my ally grows. The best choice for that is of course the barbarian raiders under Ergon. It also goes without mention that mercenaries are just down my alley. And while minotaurs are formidable and loyal enforcers, goblins and orcs generally ask for much lower wages.
So on I go into the mercenary fort of... Blacksford. Eh… could be worse. It could be Westfork.
General Snob's Journal posted:
…
Lovely.
I just hope the barbarian leader here in Blacksford is passably competent.
DAY 1
“This great day for tribe. Any minute now, great general Strob is going to cross that gate and lead us to victory boyz! And then, under my banner, the great… huh, what is tha…” 
“Ach! Where am I? Have we landed yet?”
“You! Are you the one who leads this assortment of goblins?”
“I am?”
“You are now. You took out the last one.”
“So, that's what all this blood is about. Kastore, what did your magics do to me now?”
“You know Kastore? He's a wanted elf. Where is he?”
“Why, in the Lincoln.”
“And where's this 'Lincoln'?”
“I dunno.”
“… I'd challenge that… but then again, you are a barbarian.”
“Hey, that's racist!”
“I really don't care. Of all things I wasn't expecting a dwarf. Who are you?”
“Why, I'm Crag the Hack, of course!”
“Crag the Hack? Crag Hack? I heard of Crag Hack, and sure as a goblin will have warts, you are no Crag Hack. I'm pretty sure he is not a dwarf, for starters.”
“Well, I assure you I'm Crag Hack. But this fella of your might be Crag Hack as well. It is not a trademarked name.”
“Very well. Let's see who else is in the castle for hire. But first, you, smart goblin.”
“Ah! You talk to me? Me smart?”
“Can you pile bricks without them tipping over?”
“Maaaaaybe?”
“So you're smarter than the rest.”
“First, build a Brick Adobe at once. If we are to stand a ghost of a chance at taking one of Roland's castles and evening the odds, we are going to need ogres.”
One of the advantages of the Barbarians I didn't use in last mission with them because I didn't need to: All they need for an Adobe is the goblins' huts. So unless they get a really, really bad initial castle, they can get Ogres by turn 1. If you saw how useful the Minotaurs are in the early game last mission, you can guess how good the Ogres are even earlier.
“You! You look… familiar.”
“I was the one who sent Monster-that-walks running, but he came back with buff Austrian cyclopses.”
“Not sure who this 'monster-that-walks' is, but if you're willing to take my gold, feel free to lead this sorry excuse for an army.”
“What else did you think I was looking for hanging out in a mercenary fortress?”
“'Fortress' a bit too much to describe this place. But I guess I can build it up to one, eventually. If I was really inclined to.”
“BLAGH! 
I mean, greetings, fellow human! You may call me by my fellow human name Mandigal, powerful human person wizard! And you're having a nice, juicy jugular today!”
“Wait, nice what?”
“Nice jugular! I mean to say, you look healthy... and full of blood! ”
“I guess that's correct. For a definition I'm not entirely comfortable with.”
“(What did I do to deserve…) Jaclyn, my girl! Hire all the Ogres attracted to our nice adobe and pass them along to Crag Hack! Also, transfer to his commands all the goblins and orcs under you as well.”
“So, yer General, sir. Eh, is that right? We're surrounded by dwarves, peasants and a Vampire pack has set up a nice lair full of riches just beside our fort, here. I'm following the road to the south, to get the undead castle tha' way. Is it a castle full of undead, or a castle that's been destroyed and reanimated?”
“It is a castle full of undead, you dolt. I've claimed the sawmill. There's lots of riches in these lands, merchants full of pride and lacking of sense thinking they can keep their gold in their houses without anyone coming to take them. I'm setting up camp at the mill, tomorrow, we pillage this land.”
DAY 2
“Ah, with the goods pillaged by Jaclyn we can make some changes. You, vampire wizard.”
“BLAGH! Who are you calling a vampire? I'm fellow human being, just like yourself.”
“Suuuure. That's why I want you to leave the midgets behind and take your boars. Go confront the dwarves to the west. Tell them General Snob sent you. See how they react. Then see if the ogre lords will honor their debt to me. And goblins, we need a stick hut for the orcs.”
“Done and done, oh our most Snotful leader!”
“Oi! What are ye pale bastard doing in our shrine? We've protected it from the barbarian raiders for years, we're not going to back out from a sissy wizard and his pet boars.”
“I am here by order of fellow human General… Sod? Snob! He said you better sod off from his lands or he's going to increase the blood tax. I mean, the hemoglobin tax.”
“General Snob? The Dwarvesbane? He slaughtered our people! The king gave us orders to not face such an abomination! Run, lads! Run!”
“Fine, ye monster of the night. The secret the dwarves were guarding are our tomes on the arts of anti-magic. We cannot allow the Barbarians to learn such secrets, or else they'd be nigh-unstopable.”
“Creature of the night? You must be mistaken, I am but a simple… but powerful human wizard! Say… do you by any chance have a version of this anti-magic only for sunburns?”
“You, filthy demi-humanoids, your hide is thick and your juices must be thick and nasty, so I will spare you for today.”
“Fanged man talks nonsense. Is he to offer food? Pigs look delicious. Me thinks white meat be good too.”
“Wait, wait! I'm here in the name of fellow human General Snob! He said you had debt to him!”
“General 'Nob? Dunno, never heard of any 'Nob.”
“What? Your king owes him! He humiliated the dwarves!”
“Silly man-bat. That not 'Nob. One crush dwarves be General Kabob.”
“Yes! That's the one! Will you release me now?”
“Dunno. Roasted pig still tempting.”
These are the rewards for last mission: Now every ogre stack will automatically join us AND every dwarf stack will automatically run from us. And this map is choking with ogres and dwarves, making it surprisingly easy with this reward. But if you don't take the alliance… well, you're in a bind. Especially if you take the Barbarians because they are the worst faction in the game at besieging castles. So I'll keep myself from abusing the ogres, for now.
“Thar's Pig's Eye, the undead castle. This Observation Tower is quite a handy place.”
“Thar's also lots of big, ugly ogres in the land. You say they've got an alliance with you? I'd not be so keen on that. Ogres be treasonous bastards. Not their fault, really, they just usually end up forgetting they had an alliance in the first place. No worries, Crag the Hack doesn't need no sketchy ogres to take Pig's Eye. You'll see.”
DAY 3
“Aye, one of them undead left the castle and blocked the road. I'm gonna recruit the lil' fellas here in this hole. Don't be afraid, lil' one. I'll lead ya to victory!”
“Well… better you than the crazy necromancers. They want to experiment on us!”
“BLAGH! What's a tasty girl like you doing alone in the middle of such a conflict? Don't you know we're at war?”
“Oh, brave Wizard, I've separated from my friends somehow. Can you lead me back to them?”
“You mean to say you're here, all alone, without your friends? Hmmm...”
“General, while I was having a snack I found this purse in her belongings… I mean, lying on the ground. It stays full no matter how much gold I take from it. We're rich!”
“Stupid monkeys, they could take over the world, set it ablaze, and all they were doing with it was cooking their stool. Now I'm the one who'll take over the world! Well, as soon as I learn fireball.”
Fireball is generally lackluster in power, but if you have this artifact it can actually be a very worthwhile spell to have. Same applies to its stronger cousin too.
“Here, painted woman with dry veins. The general want you to deliver these ogres to the dwarf after he's finished with the evil ghouls and vampires to the south.”
“And what am I to do with the evil vampire right here to the north?”
“This water miller had several stashes of gold hidden from his betters, Chief. I've sacked his lands and demanded tribute for this blatant act of treason, chief, now he's bound to be more loyal.”
“Good job, Jaclyn. I've told the goblins to build a statue in your honor for filling our vaults! No, no, no! You idiot gits! She's a warlady!”
“We not know how to carve woman, chief. If we did, think we have time to do anything else? We make big shield just so we cut work in half!”
DAY 4
“Evil specter went into castle and then came right to my face, yer General, but changed his mind at the last minute when I leered too hard at it. I'm going to take a little detour to take this poor sod out of its misery, if ye let me.”
“Do so right now. Do not let them advance any further.”
“Right ye are. Here you foul specter of the night. I'm here to… yowza!”
“To hells with you, Roland! You promise us riches then leave us to survive on scraps, now I'm so weak I'm to be defeated by a stinky little dwarf! Go my minions, try and keep the score even.”
“Not sure why such pretty lady like yerself hide behind rags and veils, these things are not fit for you. Let me take away the burden of being surrounded by monsters. Orcs, lil' ones, concentrate fire on dem walking bones over there!”
“Now, fair lady, you're free from those evil things!”
“You've destroyed my army, you stupid dwarf! I ought to rip your head off and use your entrails in a ritual to curse your whole lineage!”
“Hah! Feisty! You remind me of me ex-wife. One them. The one I liked!”
“We lucked out, yer General. Seems that Roland fella you all talk about skimped hard on the shambling dead here. All they've got is a handful of rotting corpses guarding the walls. Sure, for them users of black arts this means more than it would to most, but I've got ogres, I can weather them fine.”
“You've got a prisoner I see. Watch as we easily overrun and retake what is ours, insolent woman! How easily did you get swindled by that beggar prince? You should've known better.”
“Well, you chose the uncivilized scoundrels over us. And before that you chose to aid their ogres over us! It is clear that we made the right choice, and when that dwarf lapdog of yours slip his guard, his throat will be slit open and his blood will cover me from head to toe!”
“Ain't she great, yer General? I think I'm in love!”
“Plus, all the curses she's been throwing my way made me learn quite a bit about magics. And I think that glass thing they've got on the tower is a thingamajig to see attackers from afar!”
“I asked them to build a statue in yer honor… but I'm not sure if they heard me right, yer General. That thing looks more like an effigy, if ye ask me.”
“I've shooed away some dwarves, chief, but one of them remained here. He said he got a special medal and he'll only give it to a natural leader.”
“Why not take from stocky dwarf? He look old.”
“He's not stupid like you, beasts. He's got it buried here somewhere.”
“Mean lady is mean.”
“Well, guess that's why he doesn't consider me a natural leader.”
“Round them up fellas! I said ROUND them up, not gobble them up, you pitiful, stupid, braindead ogres!”
“But he so tasty!”
“Ugh. Sorry, my dear prisoners. Ogres have a very simplistic and direct means of choosing their leaders, and brains obviously doesn't factor in it in any way. It is your choice, either you start sending the timber you cut here to chief Snout, or I guess you're in the menu for tomorrow. Agreed? Great! Chief, got some more wood for ya… stop snickering you bunch of children!”
“Good, good. I've sent Mandigal to gather more resources around Blacksford, where I hope for him to be harmless. Seems like these goblins finished digging a den for their wolves in there too. I'm calling this a good day. Now it is two castles against two castles.”
DAY 5
“I've found a Crystal Mine overrun by ghoulies, chief. But they're clearly no match for the ogres. Soon we'll be running amok with our great cyclopses.”
“I wouldn't count on it. If my projections are right, we'll be long gone before this mine gives us what we need.”
To tell the truth, this map is already pretty much won. If you've manage to get a second castle on week 1 without any clear indication of the AI going for either of your castles, you can coast from there. Besides, Jaclyn alone already got enough Ogre Lords to just waltz through both enemy castles and finish this. But like I said, I will not abuse the ogres. Not yet, at least.
“Hello there, boys. Whachoo doing?”
“Get away girly! We find silver ax, we get silver ax. Somegoblin take it off ground eventua...” 
“Whoops. My ogres seem to think the ax is mine.”
“Well, I'm not one to complain. When you're right you're right, and the power axe is now mine!”
“You dwarf, you're not from here! Want some tips into walking the land?”
“No need, crone. Snow, sand, metalic space ships. If you've been to one, you've been to all of them.”
“What in the hells? Roland, you whimpy, lisping bastard, you sent me to the wrong place!”
“Oh, Astra… what fancy seeing you here in one of my castles?”
“Roland led me directly into a trap!”
“Seems like it. You know, I'm feeling generous today. Join Archibald, the one true and prosperous king. Then you'll be able to bring your concerns right over to Roland's general.”
“Those pink-bellied traitors! I'll storm their castle and claim it as mine!”
“Please, be my guest. You can take a few mummies with you while you're at it. I've also upgraded the brick adobe in Blacksford, but I'm afraid the trip to hire the ogre lords would be wasteful.”
“You gutless pigs, you better have something to offer me!”
“Lady Astra, what are you doing with those monsters!”
“Roland is a dead man walking if he thinks I'll just sit by while he tries to send me in a platter to our enemies. And you'll either help me or I'll bring this whole shrine down.”
“We're guarding the secrets of the lightning bolt, please, leave us be!”
“Hello, young girl. Have you come for the tea? These arid lands are hard on the bones, but I know my ways in and out. What is it that your heart desire?”
“To make a disgusting pig learn the wrath of a scorned woman.”
“Oooo! That's very nice, dear. I will see what secret paths I can teach you about.”
“It seems the treasonous warlocks have slaughtered some peasants for sport and claimed a sulfur mine for their dragons. I can't let them get that far. What did Roland offer them anyway?”
DAY 6
“You know, it is better to shoot where your target is going to be than shooting at the target itself.”
“Hmmm… I see where you're going with that. Hey, maybe with this knowledge I can finally beat that Attackers From The Void game at the Lincoln… if I ever return to it.”
“That pretty hat girlie woman got.”
“It looks dreadful. I look like I'm from the school band. I pulled the hair of the girls who wore this stuff.”
“What's with the alchemy labs and zombies? Is mercury that important for necromancers?”
“Help, we're not zombies! There's been an explosion, we're all suffering from terrible chemical burns!”
“Oh, is that so? Ogres, the zombies are learning to talk, better to solve this problem right away.”
“It burns…”
“Talking zombies smell worse than regular zombies.”
“Why do you take residence right beside the site of such a terrible battle?”
“I'll tell you the truth… I'm evading taxes. This is an unlikely place for them to look for me.”
“This is necromancer territory! An old battlefield is a place they visit quite often!”
“You mean to tell me that the necromancers had WON? Oh, how red my face must be right now.”
“I've sent the dwarves running to their holes in the ground, general. But they did leave behind a perfectly good camp to be sacked!”
“Good. With this I can get the Thieves' Guild up and running in Pig's Eye and a well dug in Blacksford.”
“Yeah! I was running from cyclops and it try to fry me with eye beams! He missed and dig a whole well for me, though.”
“Wait, if the well was dug that way, what did I pay you for?”
“Eh… occupational hazard?”
DAY 7
“So you think you gotta what it takes to be lords and chiefs?”
“Me hit hard!”
“We've got crossbows.”
“You think this is all it takes? WRONG! You need to look the part to play the part. We've got chain mail for the orcs and… darker rags for the ogres.”
“Dark rags have armor?”
“Think of them as magical, enchanted rags! Nothing can hurt you while you wear them.”
“Me magic now!”
“Dear gods! That's what I get from recruiting all the ogres from the land. Now you give them ideas that they are magical and they'll think they can cast bloodlust, fella. It won't be pretty.”
“BLAGH! Fellow humans, I am here to make peace. Will you offer me gold and bloodful sacrifices for it?”
“That's odd. What's with this 'fellow humans' spiel? Wait, is this a sting? Archibald said we could crash here!”
“And you can, fellow humans! If you pay Archibald's tax. It is a blood tax. Do you have some spare blood?”
“BLAGH! Fine, you can take some of the gold. SOME, you swine!”
“Ah, I see you've build a pile of garbage already, this should attract more goblins. But you had to build it upwind?”
“Build? Ooooh, 'that' pile of garbage. Looks delicious! Think it got there after party last night. Expensive party. Didn't clean up after, I think.”
“Oh. Lovely. I guess I shouldn't get mad if the results are the same. I shouldn't. But I am. So mad.”
“And here it seems you've built the Mansion. Good, good. We need some buddies for Mandigal.”
“Actually, the Vampire Cartel said they're not keen to us twisting their arm, so they want a share of the profits. And the victims.”
DAY 8
“Week of the Rat? You mean the rats that betrayed me? They'll all burn!”
“Well, those nomads seem to be on important business. I guess I will ask them what's the fuss about.”
“Hey, now! Come back here! I just want to ask you something!”
“You will not desecrate the body of our lady, ogres!”
“Oh, come on! These ogres are perfectly potty-trained. For the most part.”
“Horsie tasty. You give horsie now!”
“Oh gods. Guess it can't be helped now.”
“Goblins, see if yall can hold up the center. Try and look like easy pickings so the nomads don't go after the little ones.”
“We born for this!”
“Hey, no fair! We the ones you kill! Die for this!”
“Well, better not cry over the spilled desecration. Her corpse seems to have some sort of… oh, it's a scroll. Very powerful scroll, for the looks of it. With it I can cast magic arrow all day, woo pee doo...”
Spell Power and Knowledge artifacts are usually quite good for barbarians, but spell power first is better, as extra knowledge only allows them to tickle their enemies for longer with their weak spells.
“Here, lady Astra. Got you some scroll you might like to use. I've not got much use for it meself.”
“You smell of ogres and graves. But I will accept your gift.”
“Don't be so hasty, girlie. Yer General asked me to give it to you.”
“Hey, chief Snout, check this out. Goblin, charge those dwarves!”
“What? Me alone?”
“Do it or I'll gut you myself!”
“Fine! WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA, ye gits!”
“Is that goblin charging by itself? Is it daft in the head? Let's stomp that… that… is that the Dwarfbane's banner! Run for yer lives, you bastards! We'll be smoldering ash long before we lay a finger to that goblin!”
“I do so love my job.”
“Now that we got heap of garbage for the buffet, we need beer! Or any beer-like beverage, we not picky.”
“Eh, guess it is just the same for me, this fort has outlived its usefulness.”
“Hmm.. I need someone to watch over Pig's Eye. You, state your business.”
“I knew Archibald would get this fort back. Especially with his most powerful General, Master Snob.”
“Is that so? Then you'll be in charge of vampires. Make sure they're shown it is all in order.”
DAY 9
“You're the order that protects Sherman, right?”
“Lady Astra! At last! These monsters are closing in on our borders. A swift counter-strike is of the utmost importance right now. We hold a spell capable of making the walls crumble at the merest whisper! Wait… why are you accompanied by ogres?”
“They're mercenaries.”
“And why are you sporting the red banner of that treacherous Archibald.”
“I've looted it.”
“And why are you looking at us like if we were your prey...”
“Oh, forget it. I'll pry the spell from your cold, dead hands if need be. Lightning Bolt! 
”
“I knew you knights weren't trustworth. Burn under my power!”
“Is that lady Astra? Why is she attacking us?”
“Wanna play! Oh… you died. Wimps.”
“I don't know what you're talking about. Oops, seems like your walls just crumbled for no reason. I swear, you're just having really bad luck against the elements today.”
Truth be told, I didn't need the Ogres to take this castle, I could do it with lightning bolt and some mummies. But then I wouldn't have the chance to show off Earthquake. It is quite a nice spell for armies that have trouble besieging (namely, Barbarians, though good luck getting access to level 3 spells). It does 1-2 damage to 3-4 random wall sections (remembering that walls probably have 3 health), though it won't damage balista turrets or the drawbridge unless it has no other options.
“Siege master, that's not where my troops are. 
Guess it can't be helped. Ogres, will you kindly go around the wall and sack this place?”
“Look there. Hole. Let's get!”
“And by the time they're finished going around the wall crumbles. Typical.”
“Get a mage's guild up and running! When Rolland gets here I want to be fresh and dangerous.”
“Look! Bridge built! Now we not wet when crossing river! Oh, some trolls also took residence and started to charge a toll. Still better than bath, though.”
DAY 10
“Leprechaun got us guarding boot. But we rather fight with Dorfboner. So, there. But we not know how get leprechaun.”
“It is quite alright, we can pay this little bugger what he asks.”
“Hey, look'ere. I got these boots, but I don't think the ogres are reliable. They might riot. Get the boots and the shooters and see if you can chase away the enemies going for the pale fella, arright?”
“Oh, you present me with trinkets? I will accept the trinkets and the slaves, dwarf. I don't need your stinking ogres.”
“They're potty trained!”
“The true king he may be, but he's still a cunt for tricking me!”
“Guess Sherman was the original castle belonging to Roland in these parts. And now it is ours and Roland will soon meet a shallow grave, I believe.”
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“This not looking good. Some old man and some smiling knight coming for poor normal human Mandigal. I better retreat!”
DAY 11
“Oh, there you are, little pawn of the Snobish General. You will not survive this encounter. Nor will your Vampires, as I stake them in their putrid heart!”
“Do I know you?”
“Whoever you are, my spell is better. You should give up!”
“Never! The humiliation I suffered! Archibald is no more king than Morglin was. But Roland promised me that Alamar could get his title back and rule his lands again, this I could not refuse.”
“That's why you betrayed us? Because of that relic? Did you even ask Alamar if he wanted an alliance with Roland?”
“Well, no… but as his trusted adviser I...”
“Darlana, my dear, I believe the Vampires thirst for blood. Will you be so kind to feed them an old fool?”
“As you wish, my general!”
“What? No! Centaurs, defend your master and better!”
“BLAGH! For horses their blood wasn't so bad.”
“Oinc! Among ghouls and ghoulies, who's to say we're not next in the menu?”
“Don't be ridiculous. We're on a diet, only lean blood types. Not bacon blood types.”
“Goblins, I invoke the wind under your feet, take out the medusas before the petrify anyone! Well… you took out one of them, at least… why do I even have you?”
“Forty five goblins for a medusa? Seems about right.”
“Zombies, darlings. Finish off that horrid, horrid woman. At least you won't care if you're petrified.”
“It cannot be! Defeated by amateurs! If you had given me time, I could have vanquished your whole army with my magics!”
“That's the point, is it not? I didn't give you time, and now I won. Dispose of your valuables… if you value your life. It is your luck that I don't want skeletons with osteoporosis.”
“That's a nice surprise. It fits like a glove, for my iron-fisted rule!”
“Well, better finish it. I trust I can keep the ogres under control for a few more days, but no more.”
“Haha! Now they flee my powerful being now that I've brought troll reinforcements. Wait… why are they fleeing! I need their blood! I mean, I need to drink their blood!”
DAY 12
“It might be dangerous out there. Here, take these. Master Snob's orders.”
“Look, girlie. My greatest danger is these ogres turning on me, so a bit more armor is not… oh, right. The boots of mobility. Yeah, ok. Those might come in handy if something goes wrong. Send my thanks to yer General.”
“Outta my way, women! This path is shorter and the ogres are getting unruly.”
“Wait, dwarf. So… this land looks like it will be overran by ogres soon. If we join you, will you protect us?”
“Oh. Yer archers? Hmm… guess I won't mind too much being surrounded by ya. Keep real close to me then, and I will protect you alright. 
”
“The magic, it comes from the land, the air, the wealth...”
“This sounds like hippie nonsense to me.”
“And from the blood of the people.”
“Hmm… you know, old man? You might be on to something there.”
DAY 13
“Huh. That shortcut paid off, we're already at their castle's gate!”
“Eh, this is not looking good for you knight guy, this here is going to be a bloodbath.”
“I agree, you unruly dwarf! Your ogres won't know what hit them!”
“Hah! That's the spirit! A man who faces doom right in the eyes!”
“I curse thee, hideous monsters, so that each generation is even more horrid to the eyes than the last!”
“What you call us? You're a gene… gene… geneti… you're a garation!”
“Should've cursed their intelligence… they'd soon breed into extinction.”
“Go mighty griffins! Tear those traitorous wenches apart!”
“What kind of knight are ye! Attacking the women first?”
“The kind that understands tactics!”
“Yer doomed one way or another! This here looks like aggression out of spite, ye yellow bellied bastard!”
“Well, then, looks like chicken is in the menu today, big guys.”
“We not like chicken in menu. We want chicken in belly!”
“Come lads! We might be outn… in lesser numbers, but we have valor and courage at our side! We will not yiel… give up!”
“Valor? Didn't that include not hitting women? Or was that honor? Anyway, gotta admit those are very brave peasants. Or very drunk.”
“Yer drunk! 
”
“Come lads *hic*, you all know whatodo! Hold the… ”
“I guess everyone saw that one coming.”
“Fear not, beastmen! You still have the upper hand! They've not crossed the walls yet.”
“Oh, fer fuck's sake.”
“The Baron of the Blue Banner was hidden in the pastry, yer General. Me best guess is that he tried to kill himself via stuffin his mouth with sweets. It is a sorry, sorry sight.”
“Good. Send him to my castle at once. One thing is to simply oppose me and Archibald. Another is to pay my friends to betray me! Because this means he is preposterously rich, and I have to know where he keeps that kind of wealth.”
General Snob's Journal posted:
Dearly Mustachioed Archibald,
It's been two weeks since I've reached Lorendale Valley. Both the Necromancers and the Warlocks in the area betrayed you for petty reasons or really stupid ones. The barons sponsoring them paid the price in blood. I did mean to send the one who paid them off to you so you could exact your revenge in person, but he unfortunately had a terrible accident in the carriage he was being transported in. He fell off the window, broke his neck, and was hit twice by the carriage's wheels!
Strangely, he then was stabbed two hundred and fifteen times by the pitchforks of an angry peasant mob. I wonder what that was about.