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General Snob, Mission 5, Part 2, Bone is Thicker Than Blood
“Vatawna, I've made a decision. You're going to order the Quartermaster to use the wood we've gathered to build a ship before the day is over and the new week is upon us. I'm tired of having you toiling away doing nothing when I hired you to sail. The vampires can wait.”
“Aye, aye, Admiral.”
DAY 22
“I do love tortoise soup. Make the zombies fetch me some eggs. Wait, wait, what am I saying? They'll just clumsily smash them. Send the liches.”
“Sod off.”
“Fine, I will get some myself. (What's the point of being a general. Can't even get any respect...)”
“I've sailed south without error, thanks t' t' compass. Lots o' flotsam, which isn't reassurin' but I'm confident I'll do better than me peers.”
“Damn. I need another patsy to sit on Sorpigal and protect my treasury. And the castle, too. You there. You're human, right?”
“Oh, but I am. As human as a wizard who's gathered so much power can be anyway. I was visiting this town for tourism. The walking dead are really lovely this time of the year.”
“Guess that's the best I can hope for as an answer. Sit on Sorpigal and watch over it. Especially the dungeons. Especially the lower dungeons. And try not to be eaten by a zombie. Or kidnapped by a lich for their experiments.”
“The Thieves' Guild is up and operational, sir, full of the most delightfully nefarious grave robbers of the land. What about the reinforcements, General?”
“Oh, right. Take the reinforcements to Sandro, then, whoever you are.
“Wilfrey.”
“Bless you. Try to not lose them on the way.”
“Seems like the rangers toiling lazily in this crystal mine were led by some twisted overlady. She was planning on ransoming a court maiden of some local lord. I found this to be a great idea! But things got mixed up and the lord's herald thought I had rescued her. I couldn't say no, of course. After all, the medal he offered me really makes my new shoes pop. Oh, and made the archers somewhat appeased about my valor despite the skeleton crew. Also, I ordered a new balista tower raised in Hilltop.”
“What? No! You're less than worthless to me. Although… if I just turned you all into skeletons.”
“As much as this would be amusing, they're pledging their service to Archibald and, you know, as the one true king he kind of wants people to see this is a good idea and that his subjects won't just slaughter whoever joins him for no reason.”
“But turning them into skeletons IS a good reason! To me, at least. Curses! Fine… I will just have to find a way to get them killed in the battlefield.”
“See? I knew you'd find a way to solve this problem.”
Lacking the skeleton transformer from Heroes III this is the closest you can get to turning joining troops into skeletons. But even for this peasants are not very good at, as you'll see...
“You girls are blocking my way into the camps of more revolting recruits. Also, you're sitting on wood that rightfully belongs to Archib… no, sorry, can't even pretend to care about who I'm working for. I'll just slaughter you all because you're on my way. Try to aim at the peasants if you can, please.”
“Aim at the skeletons! Ignore the treasonous peasants!”
“Oh for… not even for that you're good for.”
“Don't worry about the damned, sisters. These cursed mummies will not extend their torment unto us!”
“See, peasants? Even a couple of mummies were more useful than you lot.”
“Oh, let's end this already. There! Skeletons, I've made you all light like the wind, so go forth and swiftly slaughter these girls. Hah! Done.”
“We… ar'… almost… there… did w'all win already?”
“Hmmm. With this stupendous display of death and carnage, I think I've finally remembered all the knowledge I had lost about necromancy.”
“Pfft. Fine. At least I will have no problem getting hid of you lot. Not while there are no liches under my command anyway.”
“Beg your pardon?”
DAY 23
“After stomping on the head of an annoying leprechaun with my outrageous boots long enough, he promised me gold, but escaped after offering me but a pittance. Tomorrow, I'll clear the way to the north from those archers loyal to Roland. Also, I've commanded that a market be built in Hilltop. I need to buy a polishing kit for my boots.”
“Arr! I've navigated east until I found a buoy, Admiral, markin' t' start o' international waters. Since I'm not s'posed t' go forth into a land o' savages and bastards like Jadame I've turned north. Found nothin' else o' interest today.”
“Hey young man. Have you seem my crystals of piezoelectricity?”
“Good work, quartermaster. The vampires should stop threatening me with physical harm now that we have a mansion for them. What was it you said, old man?”
“You know. Crystals of piezoelectricity. You can use them to create draconian knock-offs and other semi-legal creatures to rule the land. A drunk man once told me so.”
“YOU sound drunk.”
“Well, why the hell do you think I'm telling you about it? No way I'd talk about it sober.”
“No, I haven't seem any such stupid crystals. How the hell would I even know if I found one? Will any crystal do? No, forget I asked. I need someone to watch over the castle. Do you know any good spells?”
“I knew one. It was called Megavolts. But it only works on artificial worlds by tapping into the wiring. I'm afraid it is useless in this ordinary elemental world. Other than that I can learn new tricks, I think.”
“Good enough, then. You're hired.”
“Really? I didn't even know I was selling my services! Guess I work for you now young boy.”
“After bathing in whatever concoction that orc shaman had brewing in his house to increase my powers, I guess I will take on the rangers protecting that ore mine.”
“Oinc! Who desecrated my brewing of power! Not even the vultures would drink it now… 
”
“Hello? Can you please shoot down these women I've been dragging with me? I need to use their corpses.”
“What? NO! Go away, you weirdo! Sisters, let's just leave. These creeps are everywhere.”
“Eh, works for me.”
“Oh, more recruits. And possible solutions to my infestation of the living problem.”
“You will not trespass into the lands of the yellow lord, abomination! Nor will you claim their windmill.”
“Yellow lord? I was just looking for recruits. Perhaps I've veered too far into the west. My bad. I shouldn't be here. But since I already am.”
“Die, traitorous hags!”
“Oh, you shouldn't have. Now the peasants.”
“I dunno about y'all, but I'm sure more confident now that I have mister bone's crest in my chest.”
“Cursed be all gods, the hare-brained peasants are still uselessly alive despite my best efforts. At least I've covered two-thirds of my losses with the new recruits and uncovered more mystical secrets. And now Weed Patch is vulnerable to a siege.”
DAY 24
“Oh, for… I had just taken that sawmill! General, some white-bearded old fart stole our property! By the law of Archibald the Prettiest, I will vanquish him!”
“But first, some refreshments. Oh how I long for a scroll of knowledge. It'd go great with my boots!”
“I've climbed over this observatory to see if there's anything of interest. It seems some of our vassals left some guardian mummies in these patches to the north, but other than the chilly landscape and whatever these mummies were left to protect, nothing else really matters to that way.”
“That peninsula looks promising. Send that peg-legged girl to take a look, I bet there are more recruits to be had past those archers.”
“Ah, there they are, the knights of the land of the yellow lord. And… is that another Xanadu? I will be accepted this time! Even if I have to personally slaughter all living creatures in this forsaken land!”
“In the name of the yellow lord, would you kindly take your unsightly and hairless piles of bone and very well sod off the land?”
“Since you asked so nicely I guess I… won't. There. These ten midgets were the most dangerous things you had in your whole army and now they're gone, how do you hope to hold on to these walls?”
“Well, I've never! Cavalry! Charge!”
“No, no, no! You're way off-mark, siege master. The peasants are over there!”
“What? You're not even going to try and tear down my walls?”
“Why would I do that when you just ordered your glorified tin-covered horse-loads to open the gates for me?”
“ 
”
“Oh, for… still way off-mark.”
“ 
”
“Much more impressive than the Orange Lord, but still pitiful. Hmm… at least they didn't skimp on the Mage's Guild.”
“But there's much to improve still.”
“What do you mean I don't have the resources to upgrade the vampire's mansion? I just had the gems!”
“Sorry, General. The resources are just not there. Someone must have used them for something else.”
“Let's see. Oh. 
I didn't know it was my obit-day! Berzerker will turn neighbors, friends and brothers against each other in any situation like if they were celebrating a national holiday and forced to spent time with each other. All it needs is the slightest of pushes.”
Berzerker costs 12 spell points and forces the target creature to waste its turn attacking the nearest target to it, be friend or foe, and be retaliated accordingly, since ally or not, they'll still defend themselves. Technically Blind is still stronger, since it causes the target to stay out of combat for longer, but Dispel Magic can't undo the damage done after the fact. Chain casts of Berzerker turn after turn more or less negates two entire stacks from the enemy army and if you don't have anti-magic the best you can do is leaving your stacks separated from each other so they won't attack themselves. Spell Power does absolutely nothing to Berzerker, since it always works (as long as the target is vulnerable to mind-affecting spells… which Golems are in Heroes II) and it always lasts only one turn.
“And what's this other spell? Resurrect? Great… this is what this world needs. MORE living.”
Resurrect gets a bad rep. Yes, the creatures are only temporarily resurrected (until the end of combat), but it is still enough to turn the tides if you rely heavily on your creatures. For 12 spells points getting 50 health of creatures per spell power back is quite an achievement. You'll probably want to save to cast this spell last in a turn, and on creatures that will act early in the next turn, since creatures can't act in the same turn they are resurrected and you probably at least wants to USE the creature you did resurrect. The only reason Resurrect gets a bad rep is because its greater version is outright overpowered.
“Damn it, that wizard still haven't reached Sandro with the reinforcements and that elf girl only found some driftwood. I'm starting to doubt it was a good investment of my gold to hire these two.”
“That knight in the gazebo was quite nice to let this old wizard get his cart. It will really help me lugging things around in my move to this new world. I'm sure it still has a few millenia of stories to tell.”
DAY 25
“Figures that old fart would… wow, girl, you're fabulous! You can really pull off that earring and circlet combo, and your eyebrows and lipstick are just viiiiiibrant!”
“Hey, look, recruits. Just within my grasp. It'd be a sin against my ego to not just welcome them.”
“Stop, cur! I am captain of the guard of the Yellow Lord and you just took property that doesn't belongs to you, namely, the Yellow Lord's castle and land!”
“Look at this dork, what are you going to do?”
“Behold, monster! The great magical power bestowed upon me by my great lord! I will call the lightning from the skies to drive you back while my troops stomp you down!”
“Congratulations, you pompous little fool! You mean like this? I mean, no disrespect, your was good too. For a knight. But while mine halved your only credible threat in the battlefield, yours did little more than blast some bones off the side of a unit with hundreds more. But please, let's keep this up.”
“Agh! They're gaining on us by the flanks! Shoot them, shoot them! Peasants, protect the rangers!”
“You're shooting at the wrong targets… eh, I won't waste my non-existent breath saving zombies… even if it is for the sake of killing peasants.”
“We'r brimming with confidence!”
“Go, my powerful cavalry! You have the blessings of Roland, the one true king! Feel where their formation is weak and wreak havoc! Yes, trample dem bones! Trample them flat! You're doing it! You're doing it! You're...”
“Not doing it anymore. I'm almost impressed, your elite troops got one tenth into that company of skeletons before the horses noticed they were already dead perforated by dozens of swords each. It must be a blessing to be so clueless. One I won't partake in.”
“What I will partake in is showing to your troops the fool that leads them by finishing to fry your precious little rangers. The pikemen and peasants must be feeling pretty silly right now, all positioned and ready to protect a pile of charred corpses.”
“Uh… mates. Quick question, I think. Does this crest look like… nah!”
“I could do without this kind of sick joke. This is decidedly not one of the artifacts I need.”
“Is there something green stuck to my teeth?”
“Some moar flotsam in this here small bay, admiral. These rocks ar' treacherous indeed!”
“Good job taking Weed Patch and routing these lawless brigands from Archibald's lands. I'll need a market built here, I have the feeling I'll soon do some heavy trading. Corlagon, you can keep developing Hilltop to hold the south.”
DAY 26
“At last they recognized the obvious talent in front of them.”
“But come, my lady. Cease and desist. Your outrageous earrings will not save you now.”
“I will not surrender to such an obvious trollop. You think you've got me surrounded? Halflings, when you're ready, shoot at all directions! Take the living betrayers first!”
“Well, that will not do. That will not do at all! They have sworn allegiance to the true and capable King Archibald the Fetching! I will protect them with all my might, sorcery and tactical acumen until it comes a time I am ordered by Archibald himself to end their lives.”
“Oh, such chivalry in the ranks of Archibald? I did not thought that as possible! You've won my heart! I will depart, come, my men.”
“But lady Dawn, we could still do more damage and defeat dozens of the undead! Every single one counts!”
“Come, I say! Do I need to smooch you?”
“Here, my fellow powerful practitioner of the mystical arts! I have come with your reinforcements.”
“Some liches, some mummies, some dragons. Here, keep the zombies, boy. Now be a good courier and go back to bring me more.”
“As asked, err, my lord, I've bought every gem the merchants had. Unfortunately, they had no clues about crystals of...”
“Say piezo-whateveryoucallit one more time, old fool. I dare you.”
“Erm… right. So, why the sudden need for so many gems? What powerful spells do you hope to cast with them?”
“Cast? Nah. They're just bribes to make the zoning clerks look the other way as we improve this mansion over the requirements of the land. Vampire lords require the finest and are, after all, huge leeches.”
“Vampires are liches? Oh… that raises so many questions.”
DAY 27
“Halt! In the name of the one true king Archibald, you're trespassing into his rightfully just-conquered lands!”
“I've been sent to retrieve these lands back from the treacherous fist of Archibald the obviously bald!”
“So, we are to start with a standard show of force-by-lightning then? And how dare you! His beautiful hair is the true testament to his brilliant intelligence!”
“The greater threat are those swordsmen. Everything else is just cannon fodder, really.”
This splitting of the swordsmen into two stacks is odd, from the AI. I still don't understand why it was done.
“I am not one to pry, but you must be hot in all that metal. Allow me, you will feel… flaming!”
“Lord Corlagon sent his forces to protect our position, sisters. He does care. Show your mettle, loose those arrows!”
That's not something you see every day, a morale trigger in an undead mixed army. Corlagon's leadership is getting really good.
“I must say, the yellow lord was true to his colors and hid like a yellow-bellied rat under the armor of lady Gween, but I've put him in chains.”
“Good. Interrogate him. Ask him where he hid the gold that Roland bribed him with. Ask him if there are more peasants hordes, and if so where they are hiding so we can recruit them. Then do as you will with his corpse, you weirdo.”
“No need, admiral! I've found t' last o' t' pasty land lubbers here in this peninsula t' t' north-northeast! There's lots o' flotsam around this peninsula, seems like t' peasants aren't keen t' ships. Or they've taken up piracy, in which case, they'll never make it, poor sods.”
“That sounds a lot like a place I need to visit. I will march in that direction at once.”
“When I asked Sandro why did he leave a perfectly good sulfur mine to the rangers of Roland, he answered that he wouldn't waste his precious skeletons against a bunch rangers. Then he proposed that I did something about it. And I think I will! With the help of a couple of paladins sworn as death knights to Corlagon from Weed Patch.”
DAY 28
“If you wash the skeletons and keep the zombies far, far away, the lack of a putrid smell will make it easier for your living troops to work with your… not so lively ones.”
“Hmm… you're right. That could revolutionize undead and living formations! And I know just what bath salts to use to take away that rot!”
“By the way, there's a large camp of peasants on the other side of these mountains. I heard they are rising up against you and they might make a move on Hilltop.”
“Egads! You're right! I should double back at once!”
“Excuse me, ladies of the watch and woodlands. That sulfur mine is in Archibald's lands, hand it over.”
“Your mother was a goblin and your father smelt of tobersk fruit!”
“How dare you? My mother was a very high-end escort, not some common whore! And my father only, and always, drank the most refined Erathian wine, not that drudge that almost certainly kills anyone who isn't a Jadamian lizardfolk! For that, I will take over your mind. Everyone is your enemy, little scared girl. Aim high, nock those arrows and let them fly into your friends! I'm sure they'll love it.”
This was the most potent use of magic for this battle, as it effectively nulls a whole stack of rangers while damaging a second stack. It spent more than half of Wilfrey's spell points, but with my fast paladins, this battle will not last long.
“Argh! We know we vowed to fight along the undead, but those mutant zombies smell like something beyond this world and it is awful beyond compare! We need some time… to spill our guts...”
Well, now I feel stupid.
“Well, fine. I will have to take a more active role. Besides, my boars will not last long on that flank alone...”
“Goddamn those zombies are useless. Two paladins did more than twenty one of these morale-draining plague-wagons.”
“Hey, old timer, trade some crystals in so we can make an Arcomage floor on the mage's guild.”
“Arcomage? What curious spelling. Is it a special kind of archmage?”
“Just do it, geezer, or the liches are going to start experimenting on me!”
DAY 29
“Some old man just called me a little grasshopper. His skull proved to be a poor flagon for mead, what with the hole I pierced on top of it.”
“Back to the basics, claiming labs and threatening leprechauns with bodily and psychological harm, then following through with them when he surrendered his riches. Tomorrow, will see if anyone is left alive to be recruited in that gem mine.”
“Speakin' o' gems, I rescued a shipwrecked soul who gifted me a booty o' a pouch full o' it. It remains full no matter what, in fact. And one random floatin' chest had this very elegant quill.”
The quill is very useful. Usually, when you can't win a fight but you also have lots of troops you have to fight and try to do the most damage until your troops have diminished enough that you can surrender and keep (hopefully) some of the best. But you can mess it up and miss the window to surrender. Or you might have very little gold to surrender. With the quill you can surrender much more safely and earlier, or at least spend much less gold to do so.
“That mausoleum is too squat. That won't do. That won't do at all!”
“If you get more crystal we can use it to make a nice tower on top of it, with a nexus of power inside.”
“That sounds good. I will do so. We have all this wood and ore lying around for nothing, anyway.”
DAY 30
“It is a true legion of filthy peasants! Well, then, by the powers invested in me, by myself, I will blind the center of their formations. Now advance, my champions of bone! Isolate them and dispatch at will.”
“That army of peasants still hundreds strong. Barely a nuisance, if that. Rangers, you can use them for target practice at your leisure. If you aim right you can take as much as six of these disgusting amalgamations of dirt with a single arrow! Go on, try it out. I know you can do it, ladies.”
Yep, that's 11 tier 2 rangers killing 800 peasants. Because it amused me to do so.
“The peasants held a druid captive. He rewarded me with a fancy scroll. Amazingly, he was not held for witchcraft, but deviant behavior.”
“I've told them a hundred times it was just my mate, who's also a druid. Not my fault she's creative. Also, my old master's grave is around here somewhere. I think he had an even better scroll of knowledge too.”
“That's a very interesting piece of information to know.”
“He also could always get some 'special' crystals around here, though there are no mines of any of it.”
“I'm starting to think you willingly volunteered to those peasants all the evidence they needed to convict you.”
The Major Scroll, given by the druid, gives +3 knowledge; The Superior Scroll, found in his master's corpse, grants +4 knowledge, and the Endless Pouch of Crystal, with the regrowing patch of crystal found in the cave, is +1 crystal every day. The two scrolls, while certainly something Corlagon would appreciate in his quest for knowledge, are better suited given to an actual caster like Sandro.
“Nice gems! Thought no-one would ever claim that mine. Did you know you could use those gems to scry directly into the spellbooks of others and learn their magic secrets?”
“Nonsense. There's nothing of use I could find in others' spellbooks as their knowledge of magic will always pale in comparison to my own.”
“The vampire aristocracy asked for a solution to their sunburn problem. The liches agreed and made a ritual to envelop Sorpigal into an eternal sun-blotting storm. Plus, our defenses can draw power from the lightning and thunder of the storm to empower our spells, General! I thought you'd appreciate.”
The Storm is the Necromancer's unique building. Like all other non-dwelling unique buildings, it only serves for the defense of the city itself, providing +2 Spellpower to the defending heroes or captains. While a nice bonus, it is so expensive (in a resource that is vital for the Mausoleum, costing 10 sulfur, 10 mercury and 1000 gold) that you can't afford to build it when the bonus would make much of a difference and by the time you can afford to build it any enemy hero can easily steamroll over your captain. Still, it is a nice bonus for the defense if you're defending with a good hero, doing 50 extra damage with Lightning Bolt can be quite a game changer.
DAY 31
“Hey, Sandro, I found a haunted shipwreck full o' ghosts!”
“Then go say hi for me. Ask for a painful and prolonged death. Who knows, I might even bother to come and reanimate your carcass someday.”
“Don't be an asshole, asshole. If you just lent me your bone dragons I know I could clear those ghosts and reap t' treasure forgotten in t' hold o' that ship.”
“Yes… I see… but that involves me, giving you, something that belongs to me. Even though temporary. I pass.”
“They don't belong t' you, they belong t' General Snob!”
“And I'd like to keep him thinking that way.”
“Sandro… I am confident you know what you are doing but… you just let some barbarian mongrel capture weed patch with no opposition whatsoever.”
“Not my problem.”
“You see… if you don't do something about it, I will disband you. But not without first… decommissioning your bone dragons and skeletons.”
“Fine, I will take my reinforcements and recapture Weed Patch. I don't see the urgency, though. They're not the people who we took it from, so those guys will scatter one way or the other. And if they improve the castle that's less resources for us to spend.”
“While giving the green lord and his titans a beachhead from which to attack our lands. I find that price a tad too high.”
“Worry not, general. I will cut my way through this battalion of archers and retake Weed Patch myself if need be. Rangers, take aim...”
“And die…? That's very poor form. Tsc, tsc. Such lack of discipline. Who gave you permission to die?”
“Well, don't fix what isn't broken. With haste, my halfway-decayed men! With haste!”
“Well, I'll be. I should know what t' expect from a lich. Humph, what he doesn't know won't hurt his little ego. I will borrow his bone dragons and be back in t' mornin', he will never know they were gone. You'll help me with this little sprite. Here lad! Free fairy meal!”
“What's this mutiny! Just because I used you for dragon bait you're goin' t' go and join t' ranks o' t' ghosts? Well, good riddance. I guess I will have t' use me magic t' protect this dragon then! See what you did?”
“At last! T' booty be all mine! All mine! All two thousand gold doubloons! All… wait… that's it? I fought terrifyin' ghosts who were protectin' a couple o' days worth o' taxes in a castle? What a bunch o' losers...”
“Master… something looms in the horizon. They are big and… well, huge.”
“The stone creatures! They speak!”
“They're getting awfully close. Do something master!”
“Nonsense! Call the troops, we will stand our ground!”
“State your business!”
“That's a bit too enthusiastic a response. But I will grant you that, it can't be misunderstood.”
“Falagar! What are you doing! You're wasting my investment!”
“Well… to be fair the centaurs are dragging us down, General. Her troops are quite fast, they took us by surprise.”
“Oh, for. That's Jaclyn again. Where did she find those titans?”
“Hey! I'm not an ancients' damned book! The title you gave me was shit!”
“Oh, that's not so bad! A page is… like… important. It has the all important responsibility to… well… you got me. No-one knows what a page does. What do you want? I thought you hated Roland.”
“I do hate him. But I love gold considerably more. And it seems like I'm about to get a good deal out of it.”
“Fine. I will have Sandro teach you a lesson then, but I don't want to lose these troops. Falagar, pay her whatever makes her happy and come back to Sorpigal.”
DAY 32
“There, all back. No harm done. And it be not like if Sandro be goin' t' miss one peasant.”
“Sandro, would you kindly teach Jaclyn a lesson about loyalty?”
“I really would love to… but I just don't feel like it. There are more artifacts to the east. Everything else is secondary. If she's still making trouble in a day or two, then I guess I will have to dispatch her. And, for some reason, I am feeling like my army sucks slightly less today.”
“Oh, that insubordinate pile of bones. You! Falagar! Have you brought the troops home safely?”
“I certainly tried to, but the thin crowned ones… well, I'm afraid they were blasted into smithereens. I did my best to save their skulls. Now, if only I had a crystal of piezo...”
“Shut it. The losses of the liches were expected, they attract enemy fire like moths to a flame. Sit tight in Sorpigal for now.”
“I've authorized the upgrade of the jousting arena in Hilltop, General. I am ready to stand my ground if they come south.”
“I've also dispatched the last of the locus of peasants here in the south. By blinding the center of their decidedly unfabulous formation I've killed them all without losses!”
“They were also occupying a large estates. The owners are so thankful to me for getting rid of such despicable creatures, they've pledged their subjects and services to me and Archibald!”
“They seem to be getting close, mister General. Should I keep sitting tight?”
DAY 33
“Sandro, stop sitting on your bony ass and get up!”
“Sorry, too busy turning these archers against each other. Hey, girls, those other girls said your team sucks!”
“Team? What team?”
“I dunno. In sports? In the joust, maybe?”
“Those bitches! Sir Edwards is much, much dreamier than that scumbag Sir Jacobin! Taste our arrow tips!”
“That actually worked? The living are even more hopeless than I thought.”
“Gah, these peasants are still here? Plaguing our ranks with their mere existence! There, the four great winds are now underfoot! Go there and please, please, try and die for the cause.”
“As ya says, master! Lets go, brothers! Follow me lead!”
“Yes! Go! Die!”
“Still going, milord!”
“Come on! Even with haste you're all still useless, unbelievable!”
“Here! Lick our metal, wenches! Rally, brothers! Rally!”
“This can't be happening. They're actually winning… they can't even kill themselves properly. What a disgrace.”
“These women are too strong! We… lost...”
“FINALLY!”
“Now, much better. Infinitely more useful in death than they were in life.”
“Roland warned we'all about you walking corpses! Down with the undead! You'll never have these artifacts of power!”
“While it literally disgusts me to even think of you worthless dirt-eaters in possession of these powerful artifacts, I think you're in the wrong here. I mean, we may be unholy abominations and a crime against nature. But these thousand you march beside? They stole your beer!”
“What? Yer all literally worse than a lich! Die!”
“And the thousand by your other side said your mother look fat.”
“But our mothers are sickly thin.”
“Uh… they're communists?”
“How dare y'all be communal! Die!”
“Say… I'm not one to judge, but your friends there just murdered two thousand of your brother-in-arms for no reason at all. I wouldn't trust them.”
“Traitors! Die!”
“Thank you so much. You made this otherwise boring slaughter much, much funnier to witness. It was so beautiful I'd have cried a single tear in its honor, if I could. But, you know, all good things come to an end. Skeletons, dispatch the rest.”
“These peasants smelled so horrific! Thank you, kind unholy abomination and crime against the ancients. Take this sword they kept with me as I was their prisoner!”
“What? This is not the Blackshard of the Dead Knight! Begone, treacherous sprite, or else I'll stuff you back into that bush you came from, somehow. No, no. Leave the sword. It is mine now.”
“Worry not, my lord! I will block their advance to the south with gusto!”
"Whew! This be t' last one bit o' floatin' garbage in this part o' t' sea, admiral!"
“Corlagon, they've captured Elk's Head right in front of you! Recapture it at once!”
DAY 34
“Sorry, General, can't reach it today. I'd rather keep following the fresh tracks.”
“Meh, that mercury flask is probably not what I'm looking for. And couldn't even find someone who could teach me something useful. At least I got over a thousand skeletons for my trouble, but still disappointing.”
“This be interestin'. These mummies be protectin' these resources but I'm pretty aye I could sneak past them. Hmmm...”
“Corlagon, I'll be back here where it is safe while you dispatch those hoodlums! Signal me when the path is clear.”
“Oh crap.”
“You will feel my wrath, skeletons of pig-monkeys!”
“Oh, for… is this 'Betrayal day' or something? Week of the Betrayal? The astrologists didn't warn me about that. I thought you were content! Well, disappointed. But content!”
“Do not presume! I worked for you out of convenience, but you failed to provide me with what I desired the most! Now I will take my revenge on all the living dead!”
“Like they care. You're taking your revenge on literally the least likely to notice.”
“That's the point. I'm not a sociopath.”
“I surrender. Let me be and leave unharmed with these last few aristocratic gentlemen, will you?”
“Fine, fine. That chain lighting was cathartic enough.”
DAY 35
“Cur! You will pay for the transgressions you've made against Archibald the one true king! Betrayal being the first but the most grave certainly being that horrid skin complexion!”
“Dammit! Knew I should have kept my magic reserves for something more important… but I still have enough to protect the titans, you… wait, what did you say about my skin?!”
“You think yourself powerful because of your minions? They barely pose a threat to my legions! Your magic might be powerful, but the tactical acumen is mine. Advance with the power of the winds, my forlorn men!”
“You might have numbers, but I have quality! Mighty Rocs, descend into that skeletal legion and crush their bo...”
“No, no, no, no! You're allowing them to climb into you and bring you down! Bad birds!”
“Hah, behold my true power, simpleton! Watch as I raise the Archmages you've just slaughtered from the grave and in one piece! Your skeletons are no match to this magical might!”
“They might not, but you exposed the flanks to your magical titans and now my other formation has crushed them down into shattered metal. Can you keep up with your resurrection all day, traitor?”
“That's what I thought. And now, for the spoils, your green goblin hands are not worth of that sword. Oooo! Another pair of fabulous boots! Mine!”
“Didn't I defeat you already? Or even worse, maybe it was a pathetic someone else, which means you have even less of a pathetic chance against me.”
“You think you scare me, monster?”
“Gulp.”
“Yes, I most certainly KNOW I scare you.”
Yep. Now I know why it was so hard to capture the lightning bolt before. It only shows up for a single frame. It is still an awesome effect, though.
“Looks like I will actually follow my orders after all, since you are in my way.”
“That's kind of you, to bring more coins to my purse.”
“Do not aggrandize yourself. Corlagon defeated a much more powerful enemy while possessing much, much less magical prowess than myself. You are nothing but a simple desert dweller. Do not presume to be a match to me, since I don't even need my powerful magic to dispatch your toys and your fellow horse breeders.”
“Eh… I got paid either way. Do you want to buy a Page title?”
“I did not expect that green goblin to have such artifacts to cross the lands. I am sorry, for I have failed that fellow Archibald. Maybe if I had some crystals of...”
“You're rehired, but you're NOT going to get any damn crystals of whatever it was, even if I knew where to find them!”
DAY 36
“I never understood what's so great about them.”
One thing about Heroes II is that upgraded troops are considered as completely different troops than the basic ones, which can be frustrating. The Week of the Great Druid does not increase the regular Druids population and vice-versa. In later games these events started to affect both versions of the units.
“Here, the new troops. Try not to lose them on the way to Sandro this time.”
“Elk's head belongs to Archibald once again. They left some golems and hired all the archers we failed to, but nothing a well placed blindness curse can't solve to grant me a perfect victory.”
“Behold, foul monster! The races of Enroth rise up against your nefarious deeds. Even your allies can't stand such depravity.”
“Goblins? I don't even know if I should feel more insulted or outraged. Probably annoyed.”
“And this is why darkness will always fail, as it invites light to unite against petty tyranny!”
“Yeah! False king Roland smells! Down with dumb Roland and his dumb face!”
“No, you stupid barflings! That's not how we practiced!”
“There. I saved you the indignity of commanding goblins. Now I will save you from the indignity of life. You should be thankful.”
“I've killed your undead wizards, monster. How do you plan to siege me now? Hey, out with that abomination.”
“You've accomplished nothing. These lesser liches are only here to attract arrows anyway. The bone dragons are the only ones I need to defeat such a pitiful garrison.”
“At least I got some skeletons out of those goblins and the corpses of the ones I couldn't raise can be used to create better wagons. That was not a complete waste of my time after all.”
“Aye, t' mummies be still none t' wiser while I rob them o' their gems and riches! Admiral, I think I'm done here.”
“The third floor of the Liches' Spa… I mean, the Mage's Guild, is ready, General. And we have the resources to start working on the next floor!”
DAY 37
“Very well, Corlagon. You've made a passable job taking and securing the south front, but what lies ahead requires the elegance and cunning of a real practitioner of the dark arts.”
“Your arrogance and malice are befitting only you. Fret not, I will not fight you on this. Even as you ask me for my fabulous boots, Archibald has reserved for me a greater glory.”
“The fourth level of our guild brings with it powerful fire magic, sir. We had to quench several fires during the construction, but we believe the flames are tame now.”
“These flames are impressive, it is true! Powerful infernos and fire elementals are now available to our bidding, General.”
Fireblast: It is Fireball's bigger cousin. It affects a larger area but for the same damage. Considering that Meteor Shower causes the same damage hitting two targets as Fireblast hitting all five of the enemy stacks, it is actually mathematically impossible to have it perform better, as there is no way to hit all 5 with fireblast in a way that 2 couldn't be hit with Meteor Shower. However, sometimes you just want damage in a larger area and more spread. Either way its usefulness is limited and its potential is convoluted, making this a lackluster level 4 spell.
Set Fire Elemental: A version of Haunt Mine that allows you to keep the mine. Elementals, however, are much less scary than ghosts (both literally and mechanically). Also, only summons a handful of elementals to protect a mine, unlikely to do any good unless against very weak secondary heroes. Haunt Mine, since it can be cast earlier, also gets more time to grow.
“BLAGH! Allow me! I can learn those spells and put them to good use!”
“He was causing trouble for the new barons, so they sent him here. Better here drinking the blood of peasants than feeding upon loyal (and profitable) subjects.”
DAY 38
“Here! Behold! As I control fire itself to protect the assets of Archibald! Say, do fire elementals bleed?”
“If they do they probably bleed magma, or embers, or noxious gases, or something equally unpleasant.”
“That is unfortunate...”
DAY 39
“Behold the flames of your own undoing! Burn, enemies of Archibald!”
“I think I might have underestimated these archers.”
“That almost singed, bloodsucker!”
“My reserves are gone! I have failed!”
“Yes, certainly. But you failed in an entertaining way.”
DAY 40
“I've scouted around in this frozen wasteland and this is the last of the enemy puny efforts to stop us. Seems like that loser Halon is defending. This will be a massacre, one way or another.”
“How fitting. The loser that dragged me down is now going to be crushed for standing in my way. And now you bring vicious boars alongside your weakling halflings?”
“Do not make presumptions, lich. I am much more powerful than you remember and the titans Roland has put under my command will char your troops to their very bones.”
“Is that so? Remind me, didn't you say something about boars and green-skinned people? Yours seem tame… but they could go into a frenzy at moments notice because of your ugly face. The bloodlust will take them and they'll tear your midgets apart with ease!”
“AH! Get away, get away, monstrous pigs! You'll not get me!”
“Pathetic leadership, your troops turn against each other with the simplest threats.”
“Begone, foul lich. My great rocs will wreak havoc on your liches!”
“Was that it? Pathetic. They didn't even slay a single one.”
“That's it, lich! You think you've accomplished anything? I will kill you all with my magic! I will bring armageddon to this land! No single bone or corrupt creature will be left to follow your wicked will!”
“Admirable! At last you finally unshackled yourself and unleashed true power! I may have misjudged you, after all. You are capable of doing anything to achieve victory. Few have the mettle to do so.”
“Wait… no. I'm not a murderer...”
“Why, master… why...”
“What have I done?”
“You let yourself get distracted so my skeleton legions could sneak up to your titans, that's what you did.”
General Snob's Journal posted:
Lord Archibald, with the help of my loyal minions I've been able to crush the peasant rebellion once and for all. This foolish rebellion has done more to increase the power and influence of the Necromancer's Guild than any plague or natural disaster in the history of Enroth.
But alas, even with the immense power and riches displayed by the enemy general, I could not find the bribes Roland has given him or the resources they used to raise so many titans, my one and true king. Still, your territories are now safe for your loyal subjects to rule with an iron fist and that's more than reward enough in itself.
I am ready to receive my next dispatch.
Your truly rich dutiful master of bones,
General Snob.