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General Snob’s Journal posted:
At last the rebellion is finally crushed, my king! It was most assuredly entertaining to fry, freeze and otherwise maim the peasant rabble... for a while. But after the hundredth or so pack of these filthy mudrats, it just loses part of its charm somewhat. Sure, they had large numbers on their side, but thanks to the efforts of Sir Corlagon and the Archlich Sandro their endless lines just became cannon-fodder for our ever-growing armies of skeletons. The Necromancer’s Guild is so pleased they have forgiven us for failing to lend them aid after the reprisal of the wizards.
I, too, am very pleased with the outcome. Thousands of new skeleton warriors to bolster our military might. This is much like a general’s birthday present! Which I’m sure it means these skeletons will be taken out of my command in order to bolster the forces of less talented officers. I understand, of course. I’ve proved myself and I know I am a tool to be used for the difficult tasks, not some dead weight whose only purpose is to slow us down. And I am happy that my efforts have helped us in all fronts, even those that were doomed to fail otherwise and of course I’ve taken the liberty to ask but a humble toll from these less-than-talented warlords to ensure that their reinforcements arrive in one piece I’ve spared no costs to ensure our logistics get our new troops to their due destinies.
Lord Corlagon has shown to be a loyal and driven subject, so it saddens me to part ways with such a man. He said he had a special task to look into, given by your majesty. He babbled about a certain Crystal of Terrax and took off. I will miss him, but I am sure you have greater designs in mind for him.
“Leaving so soon? But I brought you a gift!”
“It was a pleasure to work for you, Lord Snob, but this war is but minor in the plans of Archibald the Almighty. There’s more to this world than just squabbling over land and prestige. My thirst for knowledge comes from this realization and that’s why I... who are those?”
“What? Not your fancy? Do you prefer blondes?”
“I am sorry to inform you but... I am not keen on sodomy.”
“Oh...? Really? Are you sure? I mean... I... uhh... this is awkward. I guess you should...”
“Yes, I should probably go. Not that I’m unappreciative of your efforts to raise morale among your men, I am, I truly am, but... And if I was...”
“I profusely apologize, Lord Corlagon. If there’s anything I could do to...”
“No, worry not about me. Now... I will go to my duties. I will keep these fabulous shoes, though.”
“... Are you truly sure that...? Wait, how did you get the Traveling Shoes? They were supposed to be guarded in the dungeons.”
“They were. But the dungeons were open. Very convenient, I must admit, but it does bring some security concerns.”
“They were not supposed to be open! It was, in fact, very well guarded! Who did... oh... Sandro, I assume.”
quote:
I am no fool. I knew better than to trust Sandro again. But alas, despite my best efforts, he managed again to escape. He took all the artifacts we collected in this mission with him, despite the fact that he didn’t ask for them in advance, nor we would give them to him for his previous treachery and the considerable power of these acquisitions. My precautions with the skeletons, though, have proved successful, as Sandro sent them back to us thanks to my brilliance.
“It was a good try, Snob. But no simple chains nor locked iron doors will keep me from taking what is rightfully mine. Though my new skeletons are taking a bit too...”
“One... one.... uhhh.... one? Brains...? Brains! Brains...”
“Touché, Snob. Touché. I will not waste my time waiting for these piles of bones to catch up. Go back to your old master, I have no need for you. If I am successful, you’ll all become throughly obsolete anyway.”
quote:
It was a spur of the moment decision to hire Falagar and I must admit... he was somewhat too senile to perform the duties I expected, getting ambushed several times by the rebels. In order to get rid of him, I generated a rumor about crystals of piezoelectricity somewhere far. I expect him to not bother us with his asinine mumblings again.
“Can it be? Do my eyes betray me? Nay! It is true! I’ve finally found the crystals of piezoelectricity I’ve searched for so long in this world. Now, I will have the power over Hydras and Dragons! The fools! Wait... wasn’t there something else I needed? A fly? Cricket? Beetle? Nah, it couldn’t be some insect. I’m sure it will be fine. Now... to find a dragon!”
quote:
Finally, Wilfrey seems to have got satisfied with his meandering about in our turf and admiring the zombies, somehow. Mandigal offered him to take him to congregate with the vampires. For some unfathomable reason, Wilfrey agreed. I will not miss either of them.
“So... they are the famous Chiroptera Homidae? It is an honor to meet you. I’ve always wanted to know, which kind of blood is the tastiest?”
“BLAGH! Mandigal, you bring the strangest meals to us. Why can’t you just seduce young beautiful women like a proper vampire?”
“BLAGH! I didn’t bring him to eat, fellow practitioner Wilfrey is genuinely interested in studying us!”
“Study? No, he will not study us, he will sate us!”
“I am sorry to say. But I came prepared. I ate a kilo of garlic bread before coming here and mixed my cologne with holy water. Also, I moisturized my skin with a silver-based cream. I hope it wasn’t too painful.”
quote:
I am now awaiting your response, my one and true and unfathomably rich King.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcuIdtZ7Ihk
“Your punishment of the peasants was inspiring. An exemplary job. Our next move is to conquer the rural lords near Roland's castle. While these lords can be defeated using conventional methods, it is the firm opinion of my chief warlock advisor that the aid of the dragon king would be an effective weapon against our enemies. Unfortunately, the dragon king will not help us voluntarily. What is your counsel, my general? Shall we launch an immediate attack against Roland's vassals, or shall we first conquer the dragons?”
“I am humbled by being in your service, Archibald the Regally Purple. But if you could part with some more intelligence on the matters, I would be forever grateful.”
“Of course, my dear general. Roland's Country Lords are his most powerful and dedicated knights. All veterans of many battles and owners of well developed castles. The region is, however, full of minor towns that, while under Roland's rule, are more isolated and neutral, easy pickings for conquest and starting an offensive. However, if we march in with large armies they will have time to gather their strength and weather our siege for years! On the other hand, if you sneak in with a trusted commander and a sizable task force, you should have no difficulty in conquering some of their territory before they take notice of you. I am sure that such an accomplished conqueror like yourself will have no difficult in such a task. If you do so, I will aid you however I can, supplying you with either a strong, dependable cart to carry your belongings, an axe of incredible might or a pearl of exquisite magic power.”
“I don't suppose you could supply me with all three, could you, your magnanimosity?”
“Hahahaha… no. Of course not. If you instead choose to seek the… coercive alliance of the Dragon King, I have, again, three outposts you could use near his Dragon City. The Necromancers have recently raised one of theirs with their also recent ascension in power and would be more than happy to surrender it to your cause. Ergon says he knows a tribe he had a strong alliance with who were also servants of the Dragon King, with a castle nearby. Finally, we warlocks keep an embassy to deal with the Dragon King and pay for his favors. Choose one and claim it as your own. Do keep mindful that there are also representatives of that would-be usurper Roland near the Dragon King's City as well. Rest assured that as soon as they learn of your presence in the area, they'll rightly believe that it can't be good news for them and try to stop you at all costs. I urge you to try and remain out of sight while you muscle your way into the Dragon City and… recruit the aid of the Dragon King to our cause.”
“So my choices, as I gather them, are to either assault Roland basically all by myself in one of his most fortified and entrenched territories against all his most seasoned warriors… or first going into the lands of the Dragons to either subjugate them or be awarded with their wrath for the rest of my undoubtedly short life?”
“If it was easy I would have not have selected my most talented and cunning general, would I?”
“Oh, of course not! I am honored, Archibald the Future Father of Dragons!”
You choice is now, Goons. Should I make haste and do a powerplay for Roland's stuff in his backyard, type country followed by logistics, axe or pearl.
If instead you think I should first hate myself and face dragons instead, type dragon, followed by Necromancer, Barbarian or Warlock. And remember, the power is yours! (May the ancients have mercy upon my soul)