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Just in case anyone thought we were talking about data management software.
I remember when she was young, rebellious, and dressed for her wedding at the age of ten.
Seriously, you should see what her 8-bit gown looks like.
His wizard looks like Gandolf. He must be the main character!
Yeah, but Erin's theme is the title theme, so clearly he is the main character.
Is he evil? Evil people always have pet lizards.
Oh hey, that's our lord. Wish he'd smile every now and again.
Are...are those fangs?
Ahahaha look how proud he looks even though he gets killed!
See? Pet lizard!
You...are aware it's six against one, right?
What if those six are all vying for total domination of the country?
Why the heck would they do that?
Because the game would be too short otherwise.
I enjoy war, so I'm all for it.
You sure? Because Lars and Leander just got their asses handed to them.
Already? Wow, dad, you must have lost it for Lars real fast.
No, no, you see...
Get to the part where we come in!
Seriously? Dad. You lost to the wussiest wizard ever.
AS I WAS SAYING. I decided to join Leander after that, but...
Why didn't you just join one of the "main contenders"?
Obviously it's less fun when you're already winning.
Hey, that gives me a great idea!
Why don't we put ourselves in the worst possible position and come out on top anyways?
My boy, this is WAR! The people suffer more the longer the conflict drags out!
Isn't it the enemy's fault if they try to fight back?
I like the way you think. I say we do it.
Hold on a moment. We can't seriously win. I mean...
See? Alex gets it.
So with just two provinces and no wizard, you want to unify the country.
Yep!
It...it might just be crazy enough to work.
...but you have to listen to the military advisor I hired, okay?
Oh come now. I may have never held a weapon in my life, but I can live without someone who has.
Gweyn. PLEASE. Here, I'll introduce you.
Oh. Oh GOD no. What the heck, Dad?!
Not only did you hire a clown, you hired a clown that ALWAYS RHYMES.
Do you have ANY idea how ANNOYING this will be?!
Surely you realise, my dear Gweyn, that I'm the only way you can win!
Ugh! See what I mean!?
Just...listen to him on occasion, okay?
Fine. I'll listen to him. Maybe.
actually not at all
So uh, how does this war thing work?
Why don't you ask your advisor?
NO.
...Very well. Our ultimate goal is to fly the flag of Tordin over all 30 provinces. There are many ways to accomplish this, but in addition to military affairs, we must focus on domestic and political affairs. The land must be cultivated and protected to feed our soldiers, and we must--
YAWN. BORING.
Hey Erven, what's this one?
Oh, erm, that is Plunder. It allows you to steal from your neighbors like a scruffy bandit.
Sounds like fun!
Gweyn, plundering your foes is an underhanded tactic! Not to mention highly unladylike--
Young lady, you musn't do that--
Alex, this is quite fun, you've got to try it.
What? Alex, not you too--
Yoink!
Sigh...
Message from the family of Flax! Looks like they want us to scratch their backs.
Just...just say what the message is.
WITHOUT RHYMING.
Ally with Flax? Heck no.
Young lady, we have both Flax and Lankshire bordering us. An alliance would allow us to ignore one of them for now.
No. I'm not doing it. Have you seen Erik's face?
What's wrong with it?
Look at it again. Look closer.
Dude's a frigging vampire with those teeth.
Back to plundering!
Constantly plundering is a waste of time, Gweyn!
Jasper, kindly tell her what the correct way to play is.
Not gonna need em'.
Wh...what are you doing!? Do you not SEE how many soldiers he has?!
Be patient. Like you always told me to be but never were yourself.
Oh...oh my word we're done for...
...
Weeeeell?
You're awful...plundering all his food so the soldiers die of hunger...
Well what exactly was YOUR plan?
Icing on the cake right there! Demand more food from those Lankshire peasants!
It's funny because we made them peasants!
You realise they won't take this standing up, right?
Yeah, 23 vs. 71...not gonna work this time.
Now you know how not to rule, Alex.
Oh, and you can do so much better, I'm sure.
Well, that was quite lucky. Do you have anything to say for yourself, young lady?
Just...
As...
Planned!
I beg your pardon?!
Oh hey, he's low on food again. How'd that happen?
I could explain it, but I'm sure Erven wouldn't be able to comprehend such tactical genius.
...I see. If a province is taken by force, the loyalty of its people becomes zero. To increase it, the lord much give food to the people in tribute.
Yep. No loyalty, no taxes collected in September, which is tax season apparently.
Wait, WHAT? We're giving THEM food, just to be able tax them later?
We're the freaking rulers of the country, you do what we say or you're DEAD.
The people of any fantasy country in a game only ever rely on the player for favors no matter what anyhow. At any rate.
And before anyone asks, this province is well worth a second battle to take.
While I'm at it, who exactly is that guy on the Chocobo?
I never want to see that hairdo of his ever again.
Why on earth would they place a female in control of a crucial territory?
AHEM. Is there something WRONG with female rulers?
Well...um...
She got you there, pops.
Oh, by the way, Alex, there's no enemy other than Karla bordering your province.
You're right.
Wait.
You mean...
...all the soldiers?
All the soldiers.
YES YES YES DESTROY THEM ALL AHAHAHAHAHA
This country is doomed.
Hah! Come back when you have a challenge for me!
I'm surprised this guy even got to be King. He's so bad at it.
If he had siblings, they were likely...eliminated.
Regardless, it's time for my favorite pasttime.
Not much left to take, sadly.
While you get ahead by stealing, I'll be busy playing this game the correct way.
Suit yourself, old man.
Crush our foes! Smash their fences! None can resist the might of--
FUCK! What is this "could not break the fence" bullshit?! You're freaking soldiers! Smash it! Dig a hole underneath!
Oh man is that happening to you too? I feel your pain, bro. I spent months trying to break the fence around Karla's house. Here let me get that one for you.
Sweet! Thanks, bro.
No problem.
...
WAIT NO STOP
Sob
Uh, Gweyn? What's the little question mark mean?
That means "you're fucked".
Oh right. Lankshire has the Dragon, I forgot.
Welp if they think Sir Giant Green Lizard has anything on me, they've got another thing coming!
Yeah you better pull out this time.
No way! Watch!
Just gotta nick their flag again.
FUCKING FUCK I was almost there. Dammit!
I told you to listen to the advisor.
Yeah, as if he'd have anything relevant to say.
Case in point.
Good news is, they can only deploy the Dragon once every 3 months.
What. So if I build back up again, they'll just get rolled over again?
If you manage it in time, yeah.
Alright, I've got a plan.
Some extra firepower will make all the difference.
You see, young lady, THIS is the way to get your food: by developing the land, and increasing loyalty. NOT by pilfering the harvest of others. Then, after the harvest, your options become vastly--
Sorry, can't hear you.
Grrr...
I have you this time, Dragon!
That was the same as last time, except you used an Ork as a meat shield.
So? It worked.
...Point taken. I wonder what's available in my territory.
...Interesting.
WOAH WOAH WAIT.
Erven. You're actually ATTACKING?
Someone get the camera!
...wait that hasn't been invented yet.
Gargoyles fly over obstacles. How useful.
The wizard's even cowering in fear! Well, they did want us to scratch their backs.
With claws. That draw blood.
Do wizards bleed? They clearly don't eat.
Better pick up the pace, though. You had like zero turns left.
Hey, you could easily crush this puny province too. Whatcha waiting for?
Please don't give ME the orders.
Boo! They ran away without fighting! Cowards.
Any fool could have figured that out.
Uh-oh. He's rubbing off on you.
Nice one!
I am the very model of a modern major general.
Does the very model of a modern major general hold people hostage?
Er...yes?
...well then.
This is the last province Flax has. It's all over for them in a few more turns.
Message from the family of Flax! They want to squeeze Gweyn's--
DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE.
JUST.
GIVE.
THE MESSAGE.
Seriously? We just kicked the nads out of them.
Yeah. I have a better idea.
SURRENDER OR DIE.
Suit yourselves. Erven?
This looks tricky. They're all holed up in that fort.
How did Coryll get beaten by these wimps, again?
There's nobody to demand ransom from, so keeping him around is pointless. Get rid of him.
My lady, if you get rid of him, his vassals won't join us with him.
Oh yeah, that's something we desperately need. Fine then.
Join me, Erik, and I will make your face the GRRRRRREATEST in Ishmeria! Or else you will DIE.
Okay, maybe that wasn't the best thing to say. Welp, I tried.
My face is already the greatest in Ishmeria! Now and foreveeeeeer!
Hooray, this loser and her 2 move belong to us now.
Oh my lord they're horrible! They're worse than me!
Still, it's best to take them in anyways. No harm in it.
I think we knew that already.
OH SHIT. Wyverns?! On OUR side?!
IT'S TIME. COMMENCE THE INVASION!
Man, flying units ought to be against the rules.
Not that anyone would follow the rules in a war.
I certainly wouldn't! Screw the rules, I have green hair!
Frigging peasants.
And now, the BIG ONE.
AHAHAHAHA! Fear the forbidden technique, the BACKDOOR WYVERN AMBUSH! Patented by King Trabant of Thracia!
It flies, has 3 move, 150 power, and best of all, its own theme song!
I don't know why it does. I mean, the Dragon has a theme song too. But this is a Wyvern.
Hey Alex, how's it going on your end?
I'd say the rest will be just a formality. Nothing could possibl--
WHAT!
Perhaps I should have mentioned monsters aren't very...reliable.
They ran away again! They could at least give me something to work with here.
Are you actually using Scylla?
Yes! I'm sure she'll turn the tides of this battle.
You see? I could not have defeated the Bugbear without her.
...did you say Bugbear?
With the bug. And the bear.
Wow. That's dumb. I don't even care if it's from some myth, it's still dumb.
...Seriously. Bugbear.
Wha? Why'd he do that?
Strange. It's as if he doesn't know how the game works. The family that actually finishes off another family is the one to actually get its gems.
Message from the family of Tate! It's the strangest one to date!
Fucking...give me that!
Ahahahaha. Wimps.
It's a good thing you don't do politics, because you don't seem to know how alliances work.
Might as well do your thing on these guys while we're at it.
How'd I capture him if he ran away without fighting?
I'm liking that attack stat at least. Welcome aboard.
Say your prayers, Eselred!
...He's not even moving.
I'm not even sure recruiting him is something I'd want. Look at those stats! Terrible!
Oh SHIT that attack range!
So uh, it's over now that the King is overthrown, right? The rest of us can live on in peace?
Who's going to rule?
I dunno. Robyn?
...Just finish the game.
That's an odd thing to say.
After I lost to Alex Eselred threw me in the dungeon. I've been talking strange ever since.
Oh. Well. Some bloodshed should fix that right up. Get to work, slave!
HAHAHA! You will pay for your betrayal, Terian!
Aren't you on our side now? He didn't betray any of us.
Well yeah, but his betrayal still kind of stung.
Message from the family of Lyle! I know you don't like my style...
So stop doing that, jeez!
Wait, really?!
These two dorks are much bigger threats than Lankshire or Flax were.
So don't think I'm taking your advice or whatever.
You didn't even give any advice this time, old man.
Team Lankshire blast off at the speed of light!
Surrender now, or prepare to fight!
Great, now I've got two rhyming idiots. I think that's why they didn't take your threat seriously.
Also, Geolug, you're not with Lankshire anymore.
Sorry...hard to break old habits...
Skulryk has 2 range and 3 move, but 110 power is the lowest out of any wizard. Yawn.
I'm hungry today. Feed me.
Look unless you have 99 attack or something I'm not really interested.
Hey look, an unfortunate situation to take advantage of.
Bleh. How's Tate holding up?
Wiped out with the Dragon alone!
Join me, Terian, and I will make your face the GRRRREATEST in Ishmeria! Or else you will DIE!
Yeah I tried that already.
As in, not at all. Got it.
Holy shit, Loryn! 91 attack power? You could beat up everyone in Ishmeria on your own!
Woah. Shabard! I remember stealing all your food at the beginning of the game. Man, time flies!
Permission to annihilate Lyle?
We're kind of in an alliance with Lyle, so it'll have to wait.
I see.
...permission to plunder the shit out of Lyle?
Now that's what I like to see!
Do they even react to being plundered by their allies?
Hahaha. Nope.
There can be only one!
Message from the family of Blanche!
...yes?
...um...
Go on.
...
HA! YOU'RE STUCK NOW! You can't find something that rhymes with Blanche!
How do you pronounce it, anyways? Like "Ankh" or like "Ranch"?
Ah yes, it is pronounced like "Ranch"!
Okay, cool.
...GOD DAMMIT!
...the message. Please.
Uh, aren't we allied with Lyle? The rival of Blanche?
We're the only three families left, really, so we could just ally with them and the game would be over.
Actually no it won't, I'm just wishing out loud. The game'll actually just stall until the alliance breaks.
Maybe they'll save us the time and money and lives by just giving up.
Sigh.
Geez, look at the state it's in. What'd he do to this place?
That wizard is Zendor and he's got 3 move and 2 range with 150 power. He's good.
Okay mister main character, time to give up the goods.
I haven't gotten a single surrender or defection this entire war. That's sad.
That's 5 gems so far I think. So a bunch of people joined after that but you don't need to see them.
If you care, Karla was among them. Also, we broke the alliance with Lyle.
Oh shit, what's that?!
My goodness! That is Pastha, the dragon protector! She asked Robyn to scatter the gems herself!
Why the heck is she fighting for Lyle?
Pastha is said to join only those who care for the people, and tend properly to the lands.
In other words, anyone but you, Gweyn.
Uh-huh. And how strong is she?
Uh...erm...160 power.
And?
...2 move and 1 range.
Oooh, frightening. Anything else?
...She has a theme song.
I can't help but think you're leaving something out.
She...leaves after just one battle.
ARE YOU SERIOUS.
WHAT THE HECK IS EVEN THE POINT.
I could just run away and come back and she'll be gone!
NOT THAT I NEED TO!
I guess the reason everyone was building up their provinces instead of attacking was to get Pastha on their side.
Losers.
Pluvius is ten times more threatening than a wussy Pastha.
Even then it's not much. I guess the endgame is just a formality at this point.
That's Chylla. 3 move, 1 range. Nothing to see here.
Let me take a wild guess.
Yep.
Zero?! Seriously?!
Needless to say, he ran away.
...
OH GOD I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.
Wha? Hm. I didn't know they could do that. Well, he didn't own any provinces so it hardly matters.
Can you imagine if, like, he had a province with zero soldiers in a sea of provinces with zero soldiers?
Holy shit, Alex, You can only move soldiers to neighboring provinces! It'd take like 40 more turns moving soldiers to get to him.
Just one more left. I can think of only one way to end this properly. Hey, Geolug.
Yeah what?
1000 soldiers and the Dragon. Do it.
Oh. Hell. YES.
Merry Christmas, motherfucker.
Join Erin in wherever people get banished to.
Where DO they go? Equestria?
Clearly it's the Banished Zone. Like in a TCG or something.
I hope it's Equestria.
And now a bunch of people try to join me again. I'll make note of the interesting ones.
The highest attack in the game I think. He's known to switch sides every five minutes, though.
The WORST ruler ever. The WORST attack in the game. It would suck really bad if say there was a modded save file where it's Anise alone against everyone else.
Naturally, what I just described exists and it sucks.
The best female if you're interested in that kinda thing.
This happens if you refuse to let them join.
Long war? It was only two years!
A little late to congratulate me for that, but okay!
I feel I should point out that loyalty is at an all-time low statistically.
This line is the same no matter who you win the game with.
You can make Eselred playable with a cheat and get him to say this line. Seriously.
Terrible people get to run around and complain all the time with no consequences so I wouldn't worry about it.
Uh...Robyn? You might want to move your hand away from...there.
Who's that with Robyn? Because it sure ain't ME!
Do they get hitched and leave or something?...Hey, wait! I don't want to marry Robyn!
You'd better remake the game and fix this, Koei-Tecmo!