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WARNINGS: This update features casual racism. Viewer discretion is advised.
A Coon and Friends Comic Series - New Kid Vol. 1
Issue #001 - Not So Humble Beginnings
It's that time again.
Oh god, are you all ready for plenty of South Park themed madness? No? Neither am I. Good thing we're all here to receive it regardless.
First off, I need to check something in the settings menu. The option I want to make sure is still toggled is Minigame Assist. These are small minigames you have to do when you're exploring. Stuff like... well, we'll see before too long. But playing with it off is unnecessarily punishing on your hands and your controller.
You can also turn on Combat Assist for the timed hits in combat, but the combat in this game is nothing like Stick of Truth. So that isn't really necessary. Explore Assist helps you with "controls requiring multiple button presses" while exploring. These are mostly for buddy-related movement abilities.
Towelie Hints are related to some DLC. My first time through I didn't have the DLC until after I'd beaten the main game. So I'm gonna turn them on just to see what the "hints" are. Word is that they're hilariously useless and mostly pop up to state the obvious or give you hints long after you've figured it out.
Anyway, let's hang out on the title for a few minutes. It takes a good 2-3 minutes of doing nothing, but eventually an "attract mode" starts playing. This is the only place that this plays in the entire game and serves as backstory for what's going on.
Coon Friends, we are running out of time. We have to act fast or everything we have worked so hard for is in jeopardy.
Subtitles are turned on for this game, by the way. I do not have a transcript, and all my searches have turned up empty. Instead there's a bunch of press release "news stories" on game-related sites about the size of the game's script. 
This plan sucks, by the way.
Then we do the Super Craig movie. Then Super Craig and Coon will join forces in the Human Kite movie, just as we start ramping up Kenny's netflix series.
How come I have to have the Netflix series? I want a movie too.
You have a movie, Mysterion. You're in the third Coon and Friends United movie. After your Netflix series.
Yeah, but he's saying he doesn't ever get his own movie.
Not everyone gets their own movie!
Jimmy is Fastpass. He gets several movies.
Yeah, and I think Timmy was right, we should start the whole thing with the Tupperware movie.
Right, start with a black superhero.
Marvel made a black superhero movie.
Yeah, NOW! They waited years to get to that! We follow their plan! We do all the real people first, then we sneak the black guy in phase three.
Yeah, dude, we should start the franchise with the black guy and a girl as heroes. Then everyone would think we're like really amazing and they'd be all-
Dude come on, stop.
What, bro?
Dude, don't just say the heroes should be a chick and a black guy to make you feel better about yourself.
That's not why I'm saying it.
OK, J.J. Abrams.
I'M ON THE SIDE OF STARTING WITH THE BEST CHARACTER, NOT THE MOST INCLUSIONARY CHARACTER! We all know Tupperware is NOT the best character!
He just likes this plan because he gets two movies in phase one.
Yeah!
That's Tweek replying to Cartman. New text is on the top, old on the bottom.
Stan, Token, Tweek, and Kenny all leave. And even though he's not here for obvious reasons, Timmy joins them.
I thought Civil War wasn't supposed to happen until phase three.
Shut up, Super Craig.
Anyway, with that weird preamble out of the way, let's jump right into the action.
Same, to be honest. Same.
This game came out in late 2017. Shortly before the whole Star Wars Battlefront II debacle completely exploded. The fact that this Ubisoft game wasn't jammed full of micropayments is astounding.
Ubi San Francisco is the primary developer of the Rocksmith games. They have a couple of other titles, but not many.
Ubisoft Osaka is a collaborator studio, but is also used to make handheld titles. Wikipedia claims it's best known for Petz. Massive Entertainment is most recently responsible for The Division 2. Massive also developed the Snowdrop engine, which is what this game uses.
That's one fucked up looking cat.
What has become of this city?
What's going on with you?!
We were supposed to protect those who couldn't protect themselves.
Now superheroes are torn apart by political differences.
Classy intro, showing two people pissing at urinals.
The Freedom Pals are what Timmy's group named themselves.
Cartman is jumping up and ripping down the reward poster here.
Myths tell of ancient times.
Does Cartman's book have a drawing of Douchebag inside of Mr. Slave's Ass?
Hi, hun!
Shut up, Mom!
This game's plot is weird. And kinda dumb. It's very South Park-esque in that way.
Now we're asked to make our character. Because this game is a direct sequel to The Stick of Truth we're going to be using the same New Kid from that LP.
But we can't just import our save file from Stick, so we need to recreate Douchebag as best we can.
Hmm... Douchebag was fair skinned, but I don't see an option for that. Let's just continue...
Don't worry, this doesn't affect combat... Just every other aspect of your whole life.
I'm going for 'as close to the previous LP as possible' so... I guess we're playing on "Easy." This affects how much money you get at the start of the game, and also affects how some NPCs react to you, if I'm not mistaken.
Returning from the first LP! It's the New Kid!
They're still playing the Stick of Truth pretend game.
The Moorish are attacking! There's Moorish everywhere!
Glad to see that Clyde rejoined the good guys after being banished from space and time for crimes against humanity.
FIGHT THE MOORISH!
Even Craig is back on our team! Nice.
WHERE IS THE KING?!
Classy.
This first poop minigame is gonna be done without assist. There's no downsides to using it, and it really makes the minigames a lot easier.
First you gotta find the appropriate spot with both thumbsticks and hold them there. And then on top of that you have to hit RT. This can be extremely difficult depending on where you're asked to hold.
And then we're asked to do a certain number of movements to, well, poop. In this case, because the toilet is 1 star, we only need to rotate the left thumbstick.
And then once we're done we need to do one final movement to "pinch off" the turd.
Scatological humor, y'all. Future toilets will not be so in-depth.
Extremely classy, game.
Like in the first game, all objects that are gold can be interacted with in some fashion. So here we can sit on the toilet again or we can raid beneath the sink.
Anti-fart pills! Gee, I wonder whose these are. Anyway, because this is a Ubisoft game from 2017, there's crafting in it. It's mandated from high up I think. The random trash we find around town and that we can buy from stores is used to make different objects. I almost never remembered to do this in my first run.
While we're here, let's look at the game's menu! It's just Douchebag's phone that gets filled with apps.
As you might expect, meds are used to make healing items.
We can also look at phone settings.
Customize lets us change the color of the case and condition of the screen.
I go with a white case. And here's the different screen looks so I can claim to have shown them off. This is cracked.
And smudged.
And finally scratched. Great. Now that we've seen them, let's never mention them again.
We can also pick from different backgrounds, including selfies that we take.
I decide on the blue and purple bubbles at random. Though I'll probably start changing it to different selfies as we progress through the game. Assuming that I remember. I probably won't.
Yeah that doesn't look too bad!
We should be happy that he's made friends in this town so quickly!
We came here to hide! More friends just means more trouble!
You're being paranoid! You need to lay off that stuff! It's changing you!
OH, LAY OFF! It's the one thing that helps me relax from your stupid shit! Oh hey, whippersnapper!
Mom's and dad's portraits are from Stick of Truth because they don't have InCoonstagram profiles in this game.
Didn't see you there!
Your friends are downstairs, kiddo! Get out there and play!
Fun for everyone! Bitter familial arguments!
Here's the first Towelie tip!
Hey look, you brought a towel! Hey man, I'm Towelie, your gaming bud. I'm gonna give you some tips from time to time, because well, who doesn't like tips, right? All right then, I'll see you later.
Let's peek in on our dad.
He's opened the drawer and pulled out a box...
And from that box he's pulled something...
...that he's started to eat! 
We can look again, but it's just more shots of him eating. Okay then.
Here's our room. It's full of memorabilia from Stick of Truth!
The toybox is glistening. Let's take a look!
Artifacts are something we won't even be introduced to for a while yet to come. A level 125 artifact is thoroughly endgame. It's so endgame that I actually won't be using it until, well, the end of the game! It wouldn't be fair otherwise. This directly affects our prowess in combat.
DNA won't be introduced for an extremely long time. Like several in-game days.
Level 100 artifacts are base-level endgame stuff. If that makes sense.
I'm gonna be honest, I barely remember what any of this does. But most of this is rewards from the final piece of DLC.
This is something I wish the game didn't do. The DLC are extremely hard, and the boss fights - I shit you not - last about half an hour. Each. And once you finish them, you unlock their rewards permanently for every save game you have forevermore. You can still do them for the story content, at least.
This also includes the DLC-specific classes. I'll cover that later, but for the same reason I won't be using these endgame items, I won't be using the DLC classes and party members. Not until we go there ourselves.
By my count, we can just about completely outfit an endgame character in these rewards alone. Level 800+ is recommended for most end-and-postgame quests, so you can extrapolate from there.
I do like the Scout and Ranger outfits quite a lot. They're really cute when they're dyed!
I won't say this camp's name. There are some lines that you just don't cross. Let's just say it's wordplay based on Lake Titicaca and you can figure the rest out yourself.
Survivor stuff is a bunch of cosmetics we're supposed to get when we unlock the last DLC's class.
This isn't a DLC item, but I'm not entirely sure where it comes from. It might be one of those uPlay "redeem fun tokens for wacky costumes" deals.
Ah good, we're now in the first DLC's rewards.
I think at this point we've looted enough artifacts to actually fully equip a character for endgame.
I think this gives your attacks innate lifesteal. Handy!
The Minstrel of Ruin is a recipe to make an artifact. The Tome of Teleportation lets us move around the battlefield at will.
Now you, too, can be an anime catperson. In South Park.
Sixty. Fucking. Three different instances of DLC rewards. I trimmed out over 40 of them that were nothing but costumes and cosmetics.
Oh and there's some batteries in there too just for good measure.
We have a new app, the Crafting app.
The Minstrel of Ruin is level 75.
And here's a bunch of battle consumables that we can make. I will not be doing this.
Just because, the game also gave us a permanent +25% buff to the Netherborn class skills. Netherborn being the class from the first DLC.
Let's just go downstairs and get on with this.
*soft sobbing*
Mommy's not crying sweetheart, I just have something stuck in my eye!
Your friends are at the front door, honey. Go outside and play.
I'm not crying, I'm laughing... *fake laugh*
Don't worry, baby. When I'm dead, the pain will all go away.
Go away sweetie, this is mommy's crying time.
I'm going to call this here, because this update is running very long, and we're about to get into a bunch of tutorials.
NEXT TIME: Intro to Combat!