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Issue #005 - A New Super Team?! The Amazing Butthole meets Super Craig!
Hey there and welcome back. It's been a hot minute, huh? New Kid just kinda disassociated for almost two straight months while Kyle played on his phone. Whatever works.
Anyway, Cousin Kyle is gone and we've got out first combat buddy. So let's go get another one! One of the, in my opinion, most useful buddies in the game.
Kyle's character sheet is hidden in his nightstand, all ready for the taking.
I refuse to believe he has so few clothes that they can fit in his closet. Maybe it's just me, but I seem to wind up with more shirts than any one person should own. Please send help they're burying me alive as I type this. I don't even wear shirts with "witty" sayings or designs on them. I haven't for years. Why do they keep showing up?
What was I talking about again?
OK yeah. Just two heroes, hanging out.
#KnowItAll #LearnedSomethingToday #teamup #coonandfriends #photo #coonstapic #life #like4like #hot #followback
While we're looking at the phone, let me demonstrate crafting.
We need a bottle of water and meds to make an antidote. We can't just buy bottles of water from the neighborhood bum anymore. If you look on the right, you can see that crafting this gives us +1 wrench. We need 4 wrenches to level up our crafter rank. It's just another bar to fill. It gives you XP when you do it.
Standing back and looking at it objectively like that, it's the sort of activity designed to give a quick dopamine hit for the sake of making you think you're having fun. It's kinda fucked up in that regard. 
Now time to pause writing this update so I can continue to play Final Fantasy XIV where I can fill more bars but this time I'm paying for the privilege.
We could make a Spirit Board and level up our crafting rank all at once, but I don't actually care that much. I can count on one hand the number of consumable items I used in my first playthrough. There are better ways to accomplish the same thing!
These are the challenges bars to fill that I've been mentioning. There's one for just about every little thing you can do. There's also a lot of holes on the left side of our character sheet. They're things for us to think about!
Here's Kyle's character sheet. And if we look down below, we can see the two DLC buddies!
I'd say it's a spoiler, but... c'mon. There's no way we'd play a South Park game without having Stan as a buddy at some point. I've already shown off Henrietta and Bradley Mintberry Crunch in a previous update.
When you visit people's houses, don't be shy about opening their drawers, cabinets, and doors... Hey look, that one has a gold handle!
Oh... good. There's a vial of cat piss in Kyle's parents' bedroom.
All that talk of addictive bar filling was getting too serious. So here's a shot of New Kid pooping to balance the scales. Poop.
And in Ike's bedroom we find... oh no. Ohhh nooooo. I suppose there's no point in delaying it further. We need to talk about the collectables. Do you see that poster on the right side of the image? Not of the Princess of Canada. No, the one that looks like fanart.
There are 40 pieces of "Yaoi Art" in South Park to collect. There's a sidequest associated with it, and even a little challenge. Many of the shots - something like 90% of them or more - are not safe for work. It's pictures of two ten year olds either fully undressed or mostly undressed, and they're cuddling. They're the sort of images that will get my ass instantly permabanned if I post them. So I'm not doing it. There are galleries of them out there on the Internet if you're curious. Just please don't bring it up if you look for them. None of us need to know that.
I'd say "let us never mention them again" but the game wants to ensure we know about them. So we'll be hearing about them a disconcerting amount. 
What's up, dude? Wanna selfie?
#life #like #followme #amazing #YOLO #lol #blessed #coonstapic #swagstyle #buttloaf
hey I wanna take one!
you can't
I'm just about done building the Kite Base! It's gonna be sweet!
It's a little more work, but cutting out and showing the images that show up on the feed is worth it, I think. They can be pretty cute!
Moving on, let's visit SoDoSoPa real quick. What's SoDoSoPa? What happened to the area where Kenny lives after real estate developers tried to gentrify it.
Cousin Kyle is bothering us on Coonstagram, and Towelie is reminiscing about his drug-using days.
Hey you were kind of mean to me back there. But you're probably sorry. When can we play superheroes again?
We're far from done with Cousin Kyle. As much as I wish we were done, he's coming back. Sigh.
I have no idea what Shi Tpa Town means, but I know how it sounds when you say it out loud. For what it's worth, SoDoSoPa means South (of) Downtown South Park. Also it's hard to not read this as commentary on gentrification, which I guess makes this a display of the stopped clock phenomenon?
Heeeere kitty...
Gross.
Here kitty, kitty. Here kitty, kitty. I just need a little huff to get me over the hump.
Yikes. And before we leave, the vultures have started circling.
Hey Kid! You just found some yaoi! Are you familiar with that term? We need to talk ASAP, it's super important!
That's Craig's dad. He's the point of contact for... that quest.
Way over at the bus stop, we meet a roadblock.
Look out ButtLord! Those are Sixth Graders. They are the most vile, evil beings known to superheroes.
You guys are stupid, everyone knows Keifer's mom has the nicest boobs.
Dude, shut up about my mom's boobs, bro.
Why don't you make me, zit face?!
You guys wanna go to the movies? There might be some boobs in Wonder Woman.
Movies are dumb. Let's go shoot some hoops.
Basketballs's stupid, bro.
Hey, hey, I know! Let's go beat up a squirrel.
You actually get a game over if you attack them.
I may have done that. 
Anyway, the DLC bus just shows all the DLC packs and lets you eventually depart for Casa Bonita and Summer Camp.
This is showing that we can still cup a fart at bad guys. It even grosses them out when they get into combat!
Who the hell is Bartles? Anyway, we have to beat this idiot up. So...
The window is fairly generous. As long as you're paying attention, you can generally hit this. Like the popup says, it gives you a pittance of health back and fills the Ult meter. So it never hurts to try!
Sixth graders are the most unhygenic kids on the planet.
Confirmed. Some smells from middle school are etched into your soul. Those locker rooms... 
Let's go over Kyle's abilities. He's one of the more useful sidekicks, and is actually a blaster character himself. He can fire eye lasers (A), pull an ally up next to himself and heal them (Y) and give someone a damage shield (B). His ult (LB) targets the entire row in front of him and damages and inflicts burn on everything there.
Wow, you really beat him! You saved me!
We reached level 2!
You really want a selfie with ME?!
Let's go inside and poke around.
Jimmy's house got rebuilt nicely!
You know you don't live here, right?
Help Jimmy finish up his big project and sure, I'll take a selfie.
You run along and play, dear. Someplace far from here would be ideal.
Can you help Jimmy out with his little project first?
Jimmy's project is story mandated, so it's hard to miss it.
The weird stand in his bedroom is his project. We can't do anything with it yet, so this is on the backburner for now.
Their toilet is surprisingly difficult to poop in.
Hahahaha. It's South Park. Even if this weren't a video game, that's never going to be true. Anyway, moving on. Turns out Jimmy's house was pretty boring.
It's one of the only houses you can do anything in on this whole row. It's hard to miss. But first...
The Biggle house!
What planet are you supposed to be from, kid?
I didn't realize mint and berries go together particularly well. Upstairs we'll meet...
The goth kids!
I could non-conform with you guys all day.
Are we really doing this again?
Ooh, harsh.
- so we figured we'd try this black-magic spell we looked up online. But Henrietta's stupid brother stole the Sacred Tome we need to do the ritual, so we're screwed. If you could find that tome, kid... Well, that'd be pretty goth of you.
Bradley's room is hiding up here. You can just barely see the door outline on the floor.
This quest is easy!
We just gotta light the Sacred Candles now!
We can't do this yet. Give it ten minutes and we can. So we'll just put this in our pocket for the moment.
Outside we find this behind a pile of snow. Yay? Anyway, this is Craig's house, so...
Greetings citizen. It is I, Super Craig. I'm sorry but I cannot assist anyone with their problems right now. Super Craig can't find his guinea pig.
He's not just a normal guinea pig. He belongs to me and my ex-boyfriend. That's right Super Craig is gay. I'll bet Stripe is down in the basement again.
On the one hand, specifically calling attention to it is circlejerk-y as hell and is basically fodder for "no we can make fun of gay people because one of our characters is gay!" But on the other hand, calling attention to it like that is also something a 10 year old would do.
Also if you look out of the corner of your eye at the image, it looks like Craig's house has wood paneling. And now you will never be unable to unsee it. You're welcome!
It's no longer just as easy as producing a taco out of thin air and holding it aloft. Anyway, let's go downstairs with Craig.
I'll stand by the stairs and keep him from escaping! You do the rest. Butthole. Be careful. This is probably the most challenging mission you've ever been given.
Snap n pops are this game's ranged attack! We can use these to light the candles in Henrietta's room, as well as so many other things. They will get quite a workout over the course of the game.
Oh, sweet. Those might be handy. You're welcome. Look, there he is! In the vent! Way up high.
Butthole is kind of a jerk, throwing fireworks at poor guinea pigs.
Whoa! There he goes! Follow that guinea pig!
Subtle tutorial time. Red cracks are something we can't break. Unless...
Poor Stripe #4. He runs behind the laundry basket.
That's just mean.
We have ButtLord and his sickening asshole to thank.
Super Craig is one of the better buddies in this game. He's a bruiser archetype, and is one hell of a tank. He was a mainstay of my party in my first run!
Ah, yes. Who wouldn't want a selfie with the Craig of Steel?
#Transmammalian #OverIt #dreamteam #coonandfriends #selfie #nice #hot #buttlord #YOLO #like4like
Hey there, are you one of Craig's friends? You looking for Craig? Me? Let's just say I'm an art collector, specializing
Crazy, right? But this stuff is worth a fortune to the right buyer. If in your adventures you find any of these, bring them to me. I will reward you handsomely.
Let's just go upstairs and pretend we didn't see any of that.
Craig's sister is alright.
Nope. Collect more yaoi for my dad and I'll consider it.
Apparently Craig has been bathing Stripe #4.
Me and my super partner - Stripe is so loyal and doesn't get butthurt when he's a little later on the franchise plan than me LIKE SOMEONE.
You replaced me with a guinea pig?! THAT *I* BOUGHT YOU?!?! YOU'RE SUCH A CHILD!!!!
Dude get off my posts.
They're such a good couple. You can really feel the love. Anyway, now that we have our buddies, let's return to Coon.
Not bad, New Kid, not bad. Way to go out and get some followers on Coonstagram. I think you're ready for the next level. Head back to the Coon Lair. COON OUT.
But before we do that, we left the goth kids hanging a little bit ago. So...
It's as easy as throwing the fireworks at all the candles in the room. It takes me a minute to find the last one, though.
I am not a smart person.
Holy crap, the New Kid did it!
Wow, that chest looks super goth. Open it, New Kid.
Really? That's fucking it?
That was anticlimactic.
That sucked.
You helped us out, so yeah, we can take one of your... selfies... Ugh.
#edgarallanposeurs #struggleisreal #lifeispain #like #YOLO #selfie #coonstadaily #coonstagood #nice #me
Might as well selfie with you. I have nothing else to lose in this point in my life.
#ironicselfie #edgarallanposeurs #struggleisreal #life #coonstagood #followme #hot #me #coonstapic #style
This is so embarrassing.
#struggleisreal #edgarallanposeurs #nonconformist #butthero #followback #hot #winning #lol #photo #coonstadaily
If a selfie is what conformists like you need to feel OK in their skin, we can take one, I guess.
#necronomicon #lifeispain #struggleisreal #amazing #like #coonstadaily #followme #blessed #nice #style
I take this time to bring out my own goth side in support of these chain smokers. NOW let's go back to Cartman.
STOP! New kid, STOP! You see all those little red LEGO bricks? That's lava. You try and cross lava, you die. Don't even touch it. Wait, this doesn't make sense... Who would put lava there?
Professor Chaos!
THAT'S RIGHT, COON! I have strategically placed lava throughout the town. I can't make it too easy for you. What good is the world without a little... CHAOS? HA HA HAAA!! OK, turn it off now.
We'll deal with Chaos when the time is right. For now, we have to keep our eyes on the prize. Coon. Out.
Skipping ahead...
Being a superhero is a little harder than you thought, huh? It's OK! You totally suck, but I can't help but feel sorry for you, because your dad fucked your mom when you were a child. Come this way.
- superheroes augment their abilities with specialized equipment.
Gonna be honest, I only screenshotted that so I didn't have to type out the onomatopoeia.
- these all over town. The trick is to equip them into your Artifact Slots. Go on, give it a shot.
Artifacts are our primary way to get stronger. Levels count for a little bit, but artifacts are where the real power lies.
In theory you can min/max your stats with artifacts. But you can also just do this: equip the ones with the biggest numbers. No, really. 5% more Critical Strike damage doesn't mean a lot at the end of the day. It means a crit for 100 damage deals 105 damage. 
The Might score is the number that matters the most.
We have 40 strength artifacts, but the first encounters are balanced around a power level of 15. I'm trying to keep things somewhat fair for the game! As we level up, we earn new artifact slots, which gives you a push to complete challenges so you can earn all that delicious bonus XP!
It might be a little uncomfortable at first. Your DNA is fusing with it. Wehehrrehehehehe....
And you can even craft your own. Just remember - with great power, comes great chicks and money.
And now that the game is finally opening up, we can change our class at any time.
I think you're ready to take on those Sixth Graders now. Go give 'em hell... ButtLord.
And I think that's, finally, enough for now.
NEXT TIME we really get into customizing New Kid. You'll see what I mean!