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WARNING: This update contains bigotry based on gender and sexuality. Reader discretion is advised.
A Coon and Friends Comic Series - New Kid Vol. 1
Issue #007 - Respect Her Authoritah! The Amazing Butthole, Junior Detective!
Hello everyone and welcome back! We're just rewinding a little bit to the start of the conversation...
Speeding through the conversation back to the decision point...
Here's where things change from last time!
Pictured: a very confused man.
Uh, you're a girl? Mkay, we were all under the impression that uh... Can you just hang on a minute I need to call your parents, mkay?
Hello, this is Mr. Mackey, the school counselor. Yes, hi, uh, I have your child here in my office and well, your child has just let me know that... she's actually a girl. Oh, you knew that? Mkay. Well, no, no of course it's - it's fine, it's just...
Mkay, so the whole King and Stick of Truth thing was actually - Was actually a girl the entire time. Yeah, no, that's - That's great, that's great to know. I think I can really be of help from here on out. Thank you very much. Mkay, bye-bye now, mkay.
...should clarify exactly what you mean by... by girl. Now, someone like your classmate Bebe, well, she's what we would call a cisgendered girl, mkay? Meaning she was born a girl.
Douchebag just staring wide-eyed at Mr. Mackey makes this scene.
...as something different from what they were born with, mkay? And we call those people transgendered. So, erm, do you identify as being cisgendered or transgendered?
Mkay, well, great! I mean, it would also be great if you weren't cis, but... Mkay!
We got 50 XP for declaring our gender.
Just... just be careful, mkay. 'Cause there's - There's a lot of people out there who don't accept you for what you are and you're gonna have to deal with them, mkay. So, hmm... But, come see me anytime!
If we leave and come back...
We should take a selfie, New Kid. I'm... pretty down with the youth culture, mkay?
#gocows #urinaldeuce #hallwaymonitored #formersiteofatacobell #bicurious #mmkay #coonstapic #blessed #lol #photo
There's something oddly pure about this image.
Oh my god, I have so much homework tonight.
The game starts on a Sunday. Annie is sitting in school and complaining about the amount of homework she has on a Sunday.
Hoo boy. This is an unpleasant scene. Remember that South Park studios got a lot of flack for only allowing you to play as, presmably, a cis male character in Stick of Truth. And then extrapolate that across the following scene. Any amount of subtextual reading will see this exactly for what it is. And it's really fucking gross.
If it ain't a cisgendered girl!
Let's welcome this THING to our town.
The fact that we're playing as a cis girl is irrelevant. Imagine how many trans people played this, made their character trans, and then immediately were confronted with... that. The fact that these rednecks will hate you no matter what you pick is just the very thin shield they're hiding behind.
And the best part is these assholes will show up again and again. Every time we make a choice or fill out something on our character sheet, they will be there to attack us for it. Later on we get the opportunity to pick New Kid's ethnicity! So just imagine how shitty this is gonna get then.
On the upside, I'm gonna use this opportunity to show off Henrietta and Fastpass!
Fastpass's (X) ability is a decently strong hit on any targets in a line in front of him. He dashes through them, deals damage, and then becomes untargetable until he attacks again! His (Y) move is a standard attack that hits decently hard, but can only hit targets one square out from him. (B) lets him swap places with any party member within two squares and heals them for a decent amount. Jimmy is a very handy combat buddy! His Ult (LB) finally sets fire to and deals damage to anything on the column in front of him. As far as ultimate moves go, it's not great, but whatever works I suppose!
I'm not really invisible, but my atoms are vibrating too fast for you to see.
Consumables aren't nearly as good as they were in Stick. So back to the RPG staple of hoarding them. But this time it's not "but what if I need them? 
" No - this time, it's because you really don't need them. Using items to restore health is a desperation move. I'm sure it will happen across this LP, but we won't be breaking them out constantly like we did in Stick.
Henrietta's attacks... (X) is her only offensive move. She attacks anything in front of her in the same row. It deals decent damage and sets fire to the enemy. (Y) is hilariously strong. It can target any ally within 2 squares of where she is and it cleanses them of all debuffs, gives them attack up, and then puts a shield on them for good measure. (B) has the same area of effect as (Y) and this time is straight up ranged healing. Oh and it also gives its recipient AOE lifesteal at the end of their turn. So anything in the squares next to them gets health sucked away automatically. Finally her Ult (LB) hits the entire battlefield for massive damage - usually enough to win most standard encounters. She's hilariously powerful.
Craig is our tank here, so why not buff him up substantially?
Hail Satan.
Yeah.
Craig and Jimmy one-two comboed this asshole! 
Gifs are gonna be more rare, but not entirely gone. Henrietta's attack in particular is pretty good.
Something I had neglected to mention because I forgot was that Super Craig's charge move also inflicts slow on anything it hits! Slow means that an enemy can't move nearly as far. It's alright, but it's not the reason you'd use the move.
Moving forward, the ult becomes available. There's only a single enemy left, but... use it or lose it!
You wanna know real pain?
And then for good measure, the ult heals everyone as well. Henrietta is kinda broken.
And we've already got a level 30 artifact. So our power only increases!
Here's the funny thing. To a certain extent, random encounters level up with you. Story missions have fixed difficulty, but once we pass certain thresholds, encounters will adapt to our new potential maximum strength.
You can always talk to me if you think that your gender might have changed! It's totally normal!
Hey New Kid, come see me and let's work on that outfit of yours. You need help. Like, seriously. #SuperFashionEmergency
I like my shark outfit.
While we're fucking around, let's make some level 30 artifacts! These give us a bunch of wrenches toward the next level, and we have all the stuff we need. So why not? Doing so takes us from rank 1 to rank 3 (with 4/6 to rank 4).
We can't visit Stark's Pond, so this path took us to the wilderness beside the church.
Like so!
A bag near the church has a quesadilla. I'm not entirely sure what this does. Unlike the first game, farts don't run off of a mana gauge and instead have a cooldown to manage. I used so few consumables in my first run that I couldn't tell you. It probably restores health.
Anyway, into the church we go!
come at a crucial time. South Park is sliding into moral decline! Someone's stealing our cats! They're TPing houses! OK, maybe it's not full-on Armageddon yet, but we do need a hero.
Well, I can understand the confusion. But there comes a time when we need to choose our path. Will you find Jesus and take the righteous path? Or maybe you'll walk the middle way? Let's not talk about the third alternative - I'm hoping you're part of the solution, not the problem.
...chamber which will allow you to confront your deepest fears... Face your fears, New Child. Face your fears!
Show of hands, who sees where this is going?
These next shots are intentionally dark. You can kinda see what's going on. Kinda.
Your dad fucked your mom...
You afraid of the dark? Snakes? The color blue?
Moo...
Oh hey, I am in your imagination; just a friendly Catholic priest who would like to get to know you a little better.
Yeah, that's right, I'm totally in your imagination too, about to give you a shoulder rub... Ever imagine you'd feel something like this?
Let me adjust the lighting in here a bit so we can get some visuals with that...
Porno music plays with this. 
This is another tutorial. It's covering a mechanic that we covered way back in the second update, but now it's making it explicit instead of... also explicit?
There's literally no way to take damage here if you use your head. The game even pops up a tutorial message about ground telegraphs. But at this point I've played enough online games to internalize that shit.
We can either dodge it or we can do things the fun way. The priest is hitting every square immediately around him in all 8 directions. Well, our flaming fist has knockback so...
The problem has been taken care of!
The other priest channels a row-wide attack by pulling out a string of holy anal beads. That's all either of these jerks do. So we have to alternate dodging and getting in hits where we can. It takes a bit, but we take no damage in the entire fight because they're so preoccupied with using these area-denial attacks.
Whoa that priest likes kids a whole lot. You don't want to get caught in his hug! You might really need a towel then.
No point in giving a play-by-play when it's "i dodged their attacks again and then set fire to them from outside of their area of attack."
On the upside, that fight got us to level 2. So now we can equip a second artifact! So with the new artifact and the old one equipped, we're now twice as powerful as we were before!
God dammit! I can't put a child in a dark room for two minutes without you bastards showing up! You're definitely going to hell. Now, get out of here!
I'll go say ten Male Hairies!
Well, gosh, I feel just awful about all that. Tell you what, a rabbi friend gave me this macaroni picture. In times...
Summons are just as busted in this game as they were in Stick. Moses is a full party heal and I'm pretty sure he also resurrects downed party members. But there's only a limited number of summons in the game. When you look at the summons tab on your character sheet, you can see how many times you can use each summon. You can only call on Moses' help 12 times total.
Don't forget to keep your arsenal full as you level up, Butthole.
Also at some point, I'm not sure when exactly, Cartman also sent us a text Coonstagram post.
Good job, Butthole. I put something for you in your toy box.
Generic messages like this happen whenever we complete challenges.
#photo #winning #followme #swagstyle #YOLO #followback #buttlord #butthero #lol #buttloaf
Not all of New Kid's tags are on point. Sometimes she misses the mark. I'm sure there could have been a fun religious-themed tag to use here!
Oh hey. These!
'Member when Morgan Freeman was God?
Oh, yeah! I 'member!
Yeah I 'member that too. Oh! I also 'member when he was accused of sexual harrassment and inappropriate touching while on set for his movies.
Member when Christians cared about the sick and the poor?
Sure I 'member!
This whole update's been kinda heavy.
Let's go raid Father Maxi's office.
We can look in his bible. So...
Lemme just blow up that post-it.
You know what? At least he's trying.
I'm not gonna blow up everything on this page because it's just flavor. But it's cute details all the same.
There's the church, there's the steeple. Open the door...
KNEEL BEFORE JESUS. Sounds about right.
The back room we were just in has an electronic lock. So we just punch in 681!
There's only a couple things back here.
They're throwing upgrades at us left and right!
Normally I don't show generic item pickups but look at that! The Monogrammed Holy Bible got us 30 scrap!
And this too, I suppose.
Let's get out of here!
Hey Butthole, you're doing great. Really quality character-sheet stuff happening here. I've got a super secret mission for you. Head over to the new taco shop on Main Street and... buy me a taco. COON OUT.
This is for the crafting tutorial. It'll make sense in context.
Sorry again for what happened back there, New Kid. I'll keep an eye on these guys.
back where haha
Ah hell... I should use this time to point out that if you play as a black character, the police are an enemy in this game. They will attack you on sight.
I suppose we should explore this as well...
This is one of a few pointers you can find to this sidequest. You can also just stumble across it by talking to the man himself. He's in the "soft room" here in the station.
As soon as you walk in, you're greeted with some just "wonderful" words that I'm not showing. The"joke" is that the policemen of South Park are insanely racist.
Oh! Oh, what do we have here? Looks like we've got another little junior crime fighter, boys. Is that it, kid?
I guess we can give our little junior detective a special kiddie cast to work on. All right, listen up. There's somebody new to town shaking up the crime families. This is a real bad dude...
We've tracked him to this location here. I need you to go in and neutralize him. You lead point... my boys will be there after. If you take out the drug kingpin, we'll give you this...
First stop is the break room behind Sgt. Yates. I'm also not gonna comment on that quest yet. But given everything I've already said about the police in this town, you can make an educated guess about what we're being tasked with doing.
There's not a lot to do in here. You can pick up a few items, but that's about it.
You can also buy taquitos from the soda machine. 
There's also some more yaoi on the whiteboard.
Women's room is locked, so we gotta go in the men's instead.
Wall's cracked and a toilet to poop in!
Fair enough I suppose.
A vial of cat urine is behind the mirror we can break.
Um... okay.
The policewomen's toilet is twice as hard as the policemen's toilet. No idea why.
Over on the other side of the station...
It's the locker room!
Nothing to do in here, so into the observation room first.
Feels like a lot of these rooms are kinda empty of stuff to do beyond some pickups. At least we won't want for crafting materials!
No problem, just let me know if you need to sit down and talk things out.
The number of clowns on the wall is disconcerting.
Eventually when we can get into Kenny's house, Karen will ask us to get her doll for her. So this just saves us a step.
...station? Are you hoping to be a little vigilante superhero, like Ben Affleck? Ha ha ha!
I understand all this attention must be scary for you. You know what else is scary? Choking on Jared's five-dollar footlong!
I wrote that myself! I actually do standup on the weekends. Here's my headshot.
I'm regretting coming in here already.
You take my headshot around town and I'll let you see what's in my bottom drawer, here in my desk. Wanna see what's in my bottom drawer, huh? Where's that smile? Go ahead, get my headshot out there and I'll give you a treat.
I'm pretty sure Mr. Adams is not a pedophile. He's just a really bad comedian. And if we wanna be Coonstagram friends with him, we gotta put his headshots out there.
Hey I bet you can find a spot for my headshot in the police station! After all, I am wanted for Extreme Hilarity!
You know City Hall is a high traffic area. Maybe the mayor will hire me for a campaign commercial! A super funny one.
Mr. Adams will tell you everywhere you need to post a headshot. So it's not a hard mission at all. We just can't do all of it until later in the game thanks to the roadblocks up right now.
Literal roadblocks as the case may be sometimes. Anyway, that's quite enough for now.
NEXT TIME: We explore downtown and spend most of the money we've earned on cosmetics we may or may not ever even equip! It's like Saint's Row 2 all over again.