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WARNING: This update contains outright racism. Reader discretion is advised.
A Coon and Friends Comic Series - New Kid Vol. 1
Issue #008 - Woman of a Thousand Powers - The Amazing Butthole Makes an Enchirito
Hello everyone and welcome back. Today we continue our journey of exploration across downtown.
This random dude knows we're a girl despite our costume covering every possible means of identification. That's kinda cool.
There's not very much we can do in here. We don't even have the opportunity to selfie with the mayor and the aides will only do so if she friends us.
Cancel all my meetings today.
Uh, you don't have any meetings today, Ma'am.
Excellent. Keep up the good work, aide.
More artwork on the wall. I dunno why the mayor has two townie children kissing framed up there with her diploma.
Hey little yaoi hunter! I dropped off a cash reward with your mom and she said she'd put it in your room! Enjoy! TTYL!
Anyone who thinks I'm uppity can go drunk-drive their pickups right into their double-wides.
Study hard, kid, and someday you too might become the mayor of a podunk mountain town.
More yaoi pinned up here. Also we can hang one of Mr. Adams's headshots here.
You know they'll let people post any old crap at the Community Center. Zero quality control.
Here's the level scaling I mentioned in action. Also I do this in kind of a dumb fashion. There's a bunch of fireworks in their bike which I could use to take out most of the encounter.
I don't do that.
A quote from the show Daria comes to mind, where she's talking about Highland.
Today it's the cats that are going missing, but tomorrow it might be you, kid!
I'm pretty sure this is Allie... or Monica. I forget. She's one of the girls that we had to investigate in the last game in the lead-up to the Canada trip. We can't really selfie with her here, though.
If you aren't farting on random people, are you really playing the game in the spirit of the source material? Although this backfires because...
You and me should hang out.
Anyway, if you thought that I was just not going to use generic NPC male and generic NPC female from the failed Dragon's Dogma LP, then you thought wrong. It's kinda keeping with South Park's humor, too, to use Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart for random ass townies.
Bring a friend special on wings at Raisins!!! Limited time! Use the alley and tell them Mosquito sent you!!! Bzzz.
GOD DAMN IT MOSQUITO THOSE HUSSIES ARE SUCKING YOU DRY!
Let's go into the abortion clinic.
Your mom here or something? Maybe go wait for her out on the highway.
If you're trying to cheer me up with that outfit, it's sort of working.
I can't believe I have one of you monsters inside me right now. Well, not for long!
The lady at the counter is selling a condom for $0.20. Stan's granddad wanted one for some reason. So now we can selfie with him. 
Moving along... there's a lot of buildings on this street. So this will take a few.
Quite a fracas last night. Quite. A. Fracas.
Sorry kid. Come back when you've got more classes under your superhero belt.
We can't selfie with this guy until the tail end of the game. I actually didn't get it on my first run until the postgame.
More artwork in his office at least.
Member snail mail?
Yeah, I 'member!
Oh, yeah! I remember writing letters!
Sure! 'Member writing in cursive?
Yeah, I 'member!
The eternal refrain of my third grade teacher. "When you get to middle school, they won't accept papers in anything but cursive! So you gotta learn now!" And then you learn that they do not give a shit about that. American schooling is such a shitshow.
Not a lot in here. One of the postboxes is locked, so we'll grab whatever it is later.
The alley is where we're supposed to go to continue the story. We'll be back around this way eventually. But first we have to look at phone plans.
Unlimited HD-media streaming sound. Visual voicemail. World is your oyster, hero.
Can I interest you in a new contract with up to five gigabytes of data per month?
I think my current phone plan has 5 gigs of data a month.
We need to buy this $30 plan in order to get this blonde dude to selfie with us.
Oh, I'd love to do that after you purchase a phone plan.
Moving on...
This is Wendy's mom's office.
Your mother picked out that outfit for you? Someone should have a word with her.
OK, sure. Boy, won't Wendy be surprised!
#coonstadaily #coonstapic #winning #amazing #blessed #followback #lol #life #buttlord #coonstagood
Dude, Wendy's mom sure has a swanky office.
Study hard and you too might work in a nice office someday.
There's a door back here, but there's not much we can do up there yet.
We can get a single piece of yaoi and that's about it.
We're making pretty decent progress!
The operation room in the rhinoplasty office has one of the more not-work-safe yaoi images.
Sharon sells a lot of face cosmetics, as you might expect. And if you can't read what she's saying...
Got some new items in stock, New Kid. I know how much you love medical supplies.
Let's make a deal: I'll follow you on Coonstagram if you take a selfie with me. How does that sound?
#beauty #nose2thegrindstone #selfimprovement #nice #like4like #buttlord #coonstadaily #life #coonstacool #followback
Quit stalking my mom, mom stalker!
Now you have a cool mom following you on Coonstagram. Isn't that neat?
Not all encounters level up with you. We're over 4x stronger than these Chaos Minions. The battle isn't worth showing, except...
Car!
Car!
The "Car!" call can randomly happen, and it never stops being funny when it happens. 
Phew. All clear.
We're below the bus stop now, so I'm gonna take this chance to change up the play style. I'm just not feeling Blaster.
When we're not using them, the buddies hang out in the Coon Lair. If you haven't yet selfied with them yet, it's a quick way to get all of them in one place. And it's better than them disappearing altogether like in the first game.
Sure thing, buddy!
#Funnybot #JimmyTheBard #SuperFriends #MonsterHunters #dreamteam #coonandfriends #like #YOLO #like4like #followme
There was a request at some point for showing off Speedster, and I do like the way it plays. So I'm fine with this!
Each time we pick a class, we have to play through the backstory again. Sadly.
This is a better look for a speedster. Gonna keep the goggles because it reminds me of Quicksilver from those X-Men movies.
I thought feminine-looking guys went out of style in the 80s, but the New Kid's pulling it off.
While in the base, your buddies will occasionally comment on you. Everyone has one based on your choices. Because Douchebag is a girl, everyone will talk about her gender. The best one is Craig, though. I don't remember the exact words, but it's something like...
Even though I'm gay, I don't find myself attracted to the New Kid at all. Strange...
Let's go put our new powers to the test.
That took two rounds. Speedster is good! Speedster is very good!
I have no idea where we even are anymore. But there's a propane canister we can blow up in here. So we're gonna blow up this thing.
See that red crack? You can't break that with your Snap 'N Pops, you're gonna need an explosion!
Set the canister on fire with fireworks and then cup a spell at it.
Our reward is some crafting recipes!
Recipes that we can't even make. Welp.
A few macaroni Star of Davids later...
It actually doesn't look too bad. The hood and facepaint look can work for a lot of different hero types! Though the hoodie leaves a little to be desired.
Over in Bebe's house we steal her yaoi...
Hey buddy! Dropped off another reward for you! Your mom said she'd put it in your toy chest. $$$
We're gonna make the Witch outfit and then put it on to show to Bebe.
The Witch Suit is another piece that works with a lot of others. You can recolor it to make it match pretty much any look you want. As a bonus, it's pretty cute!
Wow, you made one of my costumes! Let's get a selfie!
#onfleek #pleasesandsparkles #girlsarefunny #girlsvolleyball #hot #amazing #coonstadaily #followme #photo #coonstapic
Douchebag's hair is too short to make the Witch Mask look work. But with a sufficiently feminine hairstyle, it won't look too bad either.
See you on Coonstagram!
Now back to this look. The cape on the King Robes looks pretty superheroish, while the bike helmet, the goggles, and the face paint all work together to make her look speedy.
Back to Main Street...
This unassuming building has some more cosmetics!
Hello, there. You one'a Kyle's friends? Sorry. I'm not much for selfies.
Two counts! Anyway, we buy both of these even though it wipes out most of our funds. Money comes and goes and we might be able to make the Lightning stuff work.
We're nearly done with Main Street.
There's nothing in here. Just a woman typing and some crafting materials. Not even referential ones, either.
I'm such a softie for marginalized communities. Maybe because I'm in like three of them.
Oh right, Cartman wanted a taco. Let's see if this Freeman will sell us some.
This is where we get our introduction to the crafting system.
The bathroom has more artwork and a new toilet.
We're making pretty good progress. In case you were at all curious how many poops we've taken.
Star of Stage and screen Morgan Freeman is not prepared to take a selfie with you at this time.
Freeman's Tacos is completely 'craft your own.' You... know what crafting is, don't you? Just open up that crafting menu and we can get started.
I'm not really commenting on this, because we covered this long ago. Also I believe I've said all I need to about Morgan Freeman.
Here, I'll give you what you need to get started.
You can combine food items into whatever you like. Go ahead. See what happens if you combine a burrito and an enchilada.
Congratulations, New Kid. With an enchilada and a burrito, you've crafted... an Enchirito. That's the first time anyone's ever done that.
The guy in the background is clapping for us. 
And what the hell - have a few more recipes. They might just save your stupid ass.
Most of what he gives us are costume recipes. Though I think there's a few consumables in there too.
Time to not step in here again until the very end of the game.
And just one more thing... They say that some farts are so powerful they can actually... bend the fabric of time. You be careful out there.
The last stop on main street!
The vendor in here sells some costumes and other generic crafting materials.
And there's more yaoi in here.
That was a marathon! Anyway, on to the houses back here...
DogPoo is hiding back here.
You want a selfie? With me? OK!
#dogpoopetuski #doodoobrown #life #lol #coonstacool #selfie #amazing #coonstagood #coonstadaily #followme
Just hangin' out with my buddy the New Kid!!
The boys room has more yaoi.
And the girls room, too. And it has a lack of desks and pictures of Orlando Bloom. Where'd their clubhouse go?
You took a selfie with Ike? Let's do a better one!
The shortcut to Stan and Kyle's houses is now open. So now we can give Grandpa Marsh his condom.
Oh yeah this lambskin's gonna get a real workout. Let's take a "before" pic.
Thanks, kid. You're better people than that no-good dad of yours.
The last screen of the middle row!
Big Gay Al's and Mr. Slave's house is first.
Hey, cutie-patoootie! How about a selfie?
Ooh my only G-rated picture!
Those dirty fucking sixth graders, I fucking hate those guys! I hope they haven't captured my kitties. Can you find my kitties? I just can't indulge in social media without them.
More yaoi in here. Jesus there's a lot on main street.
And then there's... this. 
...he's probably armed to the teeth. Thermal imaging is showing the suspect is in the rear of the house.
We'll get the fast travel point first!
You should have him in sight...
Hey, who are you? What are you doing in my house?
ENGAGE, ENGAGE!
What do you even say about this? The dude's holding a butter knife and asking why we're in his house. I'm not showing any of the battle for obvious reasons.
Honestly? Fuck this game. While I could go on a tangent ranting about why it's terrible, what would that even accomplish? So. Fuck this game.
...one less violent degenerate this town has to deal with. Please come by and help us again!
Let's just... put this behind us.
I swear, Token is acting so mysterious lately.
Mysterious, or like his head's up his ass same as all the other boys?
Yeah, the second one.
Uh huh. Play a card.
Uh, cool outfit, New Kid. You get dressed in the dark today?
#girlsarefunny #girlsvolleyball #coonstadaily #me #YOLO #followback #style #butthero #buttloaf #amazing
New Kid pity selfie!
OK, kid, I'll give you a pity follow, what the heck.
#girlsarefunny #like4like #coonstadaily #like #coonstapic #lol #winning #followme #amazing #nice
#ItPleasesAndSparkles
I'm gonna call the update here and beat up these sixth graders offscreen.
NEXT TIME: 100% less racism. Also we go explore the last row of town, including a trip to Raisins to help Clyde. Once we're done with that, we can really get going with the story, such as it is.