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A Coon and Friends Crossover Special
New Kid Issue #010 - Showdown in the Streets! Defeat the Freedom Pals
Hello everyone and welcome back! Today's update is gonna be pretty cool. You'll see why in just a moment.
Ah, New Kid! Come, take a seat.
Cartman tries. Oh how he tries to be friendly with Douchebag.
I just noticed that he crossed out Mysterion in the background, but not Tupperware. I guess he doesn't "hate" token for the other franchise?
OK, good talk. Uhh, well, listen, I think you show some potential... And, uhh... I'm going to upgrade you to... somebody's sidekick or something. Congratulations.
I just maybe wanted to talk about your superhero character a little bit. Um, your character... sucks, to be honest, and... I think I'm going to let you dual class. Let's pick another ability to add.
We can add any of the existing classes, as well as three new options.
Elementalist uses Lightning, Ice, and Earth powers to deal damage and cause status effects. Powerful, but we'll be getting an elementalist buddy sooner or later.
Cyborg uses a lot of knockback and pull moves. While I do not like the way this job plays for the most part, one of its skills was something I used from the moment I got it until the end of the game.
Psychic is a buff and debuff hero. Their regular attack causes confusion, they can help their teammates, and their ult is the single most broken thing in the game. No really.
Something about this outfit makes me uncomfortable... anyway, I pick Elementalist because I was going to show off all the secondary classes. I forgot something, though... Whatever we pick we have to live with until the end of the next story beat.
...now we're gonna need to change your backstory too. So let's go back again to that fateful night... Back when you were little...
You did lay awake that night... But the reason you couldn't sleep was because you wanted to make the world a safer place. You walked to the mirror.
You looked in the mirror and wondered... if anyone would ever love you. And then you heard a noise, but - But it was a baby, crying.
You had to stop them from hurting the baby, didn't you?! You knew you had the power to stop them, and so you called upon your newly discovered power!
Toddler Douchebag is pretty cute. 
She looks so determined.
You had to stop these thugs in their tracks. You started by entrapping the biggest in an ICE PRISON!
Elementalist's (Y) ability has the same range as Speedster's basic attack.
If you hit the timed button press, it makes the enemy miss their next turn.
The intrudes approached you, but little did they know they had set themselves up perfectly for a SAND TRAP!
Sand Trap has the same range as the previous attack, but it also hits in an area around whoever you're targeting.
Hydro Helper hits any ally within 2 squares. It cleanses them of debuffs, heals them, and gives attack up to whoever you target. So it's like Henrietta's ability but with healing.
Elementalist's Ult is pretty decent. It deals moderate damage, shocks everyone, and then makes them all miss a turn. So if they're all clumped together like this, then they're gonna be taking a lot of shared shock damage.
And then the rest of the Elementalist tutorial is just slowly watching these guys die to shock. Moving on...
Yeah, yeah, whatever! ANYWAY... And so you beat them! You swept the baby up in your arms to take him somewhere safe and then THAT'S WHEN THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED!
...had to live with the fact that, because you were busy helping a baby, you couldn't stop your mom from being fucked by your dad.
While writing this, I haven't stopped laughing for the past several mintues. It's still funny as hell.
I know you probably want to know why - why your dad fucked your mom. But those are answers you'll have to find for yourself.
This is why we're locked into the Speedster/Elementalist choice for now. But I'm fine with that!
It's a Coon and Friends alert!
It's the Freedom Pals!
What have they done now?
Just get to Main Street! HURRY!
We're coming! COON! OUT!
We have a new app! One that we'll be using a lot, actually.
Because we've dual-classed, we now have eight abilities and only four slots for them. So we can pick and mix our favorites from both of our classes.
Because the "take two turns" ability of the Speedster is a liability in pretty much every situation, we'll just replace it with the Elementalist's healing ability.
And just for shits, we'll also take Elementalist's ult.
This is why this game's combat is so much fun. The more you play, the more classes you unlock. So you can create a lot of really potent ability combinations while also covering for the weaknesses from both base classes. Imagine Elementalist's buff and debuff abilities on, say, the Brutalist or another tank class.
Cartman is also gone, so even if we wanted to change classes, we can't right now. So let's head to Main Street!
No time to waste, Butthole!
!!COON AND FRIENDS ALERT!! All Coon and Friends to Main Street!
it's going down you guys, time to fuck Freedom Pals in the ass. #civilwar #CAF
Uh, yeah, we know - where are you and New Kid?
brt
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Are you dual-classing now, New Kid? Nice!! BZZZ
My Coon sense is on fire. Freedom Pals is on the move! A confrontation is brewing.
This is getting funnier as we go. Thankfully it's a short enough sequence that the joke doesn't wear thin.
So close... Head towards Main Street, Butthole! And gird your loins for battle.
CIVIL WAR!
(click for video)
Youtube is doing its damnedest to make uploading clips for these things difficult. So I'm really only gonna have videos for important fights and stuff if they don't last too long.
Yeah, I remember! So, when I walked out on Coon and Friends, you should've walked out with me!
I like Coon and Friends!
Thank God you're here. They're really going at it.
Super Craig had to have movies before Wonder Tweek was introduced! It made no sense otherwise.
Your whole group makes no sense!
Because you're a traiter, Tweek, and now you're with a group of super traitors!
This was started by you! By people who thought there should be preferential treatment to certain heroes.
We aren't the ones who walked out of the fucking franchise, Mysterion!
Eric... you must listen to me. Right now I am speaking to you telepathically.
Get out of my head, Timmy.
Your franchise is going nowhere. Face the truth, Eric. You guys are kind of douchebags.
One of CAF is actually Douchebag! 
He just called us douchebags, in my mind.
He did?!
Timmy is good. Timmy is very good!
Timmy!
Motherfucker! Coon Friends, deal with these assholes!
Oh no. They're making me use Craig. How will I ever deal with the indignity of using one of the strongest buddies in the game. 
While I could have brought in Henrietta or Mintberry Crunch, both Biggles are unaffiliated and I think it's important for this climactic showdown to be only CAF vs FP. I'm also gonna give this more of a blow-by-blow because this is a proper boss fight!
Mosquito starts off the festivities by grossing out both Mysterion and Tupperware.
Nice work. Now excuse me while I go throw up.
I forgot that Tweek is an Elementalist. And he uses a pretty dangerous ability. Now the three powerhouses on the team are all shocked, and will damage each other by proximity. Whoops!
Lame.
No, you're lame. You're like the lamest lame of all lame time!
That was lame too.
New Kid really only has one move she can do here unless she wants to cleanse Craig or Clyde.
Kenny's dangerous, but Kyle's at full health and isn't zapped. So he can tank a few hits. This also means that New Kid's shock doesn't hit Clyde or Craig!
Kenny's, in fact, dangerous enough that I'd like to take him out sooner rather than later.
Kite, you're fighting for the wrong side.
Kenny beats the shit out of Kyle. His regular attack takes off half of Kite's health!
Today you crossed paths with the wrong immortal fourth grader.
Car!
Car!
Fuck you dude, it's Civil War, dick.
Clear.
Clear.
Tupperware is a cyborg, so he has pretty hefty knockback.
Maybe that'll knock some sense in to you!
Oh gross.
Taking a blood sample, now!
Dude, dial it back.
Clyde was low on health, so he takes some from Token.
Tweek chooses to forego his turn. Sure, why not?
I am Wonder Tweek, Champion of Justice!
What? That's gay.
You're gay.
Wait... I'm confused.
Douchebag takes Kenny out of the fight.
Kyle lasers Tweek.
Why does a kite have laser eyes, anyway?!
Token can't reach Craig because of Clyde, so let's just make sure he can't damage the Mosquito.
Clyde hits Tweek and Token with his ult...
Token goes down, and Tweek is gonna die on his next turn.
Douchebag and Kyle get shocked, but...
Hey, I thought I'M supposed to defeat Wonder Tweek in my movie.
We level up to 4 and get a new artifact slot for our troubles!
Hey wait, what about Coon?!
Oh shit, come on!
Timmy got away?!
He - He completely raped my mind.
You OK?
No seriously, you guys, he fucked the shit out of my brains.
So we did all that for nothing?
Not quite.
You did?
There's sure to be a lead on that!
Let's get this back to base! Super Craig can analyze it!
Major Artifacts significantly boost Might and Team Bonuses.
This gives us a boost to all our stats but movement. Not sure what those stats do, but that's pretty big.
Anyway, let's go back to the Coon Lair.
Uh hello, is this the little superhero who's getting all the followers on Instagram? Your presence is requested at City Hall. The Mayor of South Park wishes to speak with you. Don't make her wait.
And... that's enough for now! Because I haven't yet recorded any farther than this.
NEXT TIME we'll see what the Mayor wants to talk about, and then we'll visit the Coon Lair and see about those other classes.