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We can either rapidly alternate A and D for 15 seconds or we can just hold M for 1 second. Take a guess as to which one I chose



New Kid - Captain Diabetes will lead you where our intel has placed the Girl with the Dick Tattoo. If you can handle this sidekick gig you might have a chance at being a superhero...one day.
Wait, so if New Kid and Diabetes are looking for the girl, what is the mission that WE'RE doing?
That's classified, Human Kite.
OK, but I literally don't know where to meet you
ill text u
k



Don't forget you can use your Snap N Pops to knock things down.



No... Stay out! Stay...out...
Aaagh, who's there? Who?

Dad is too indisposed to stop us





Yes! A mild-mannered gentleman with the power of diabetes at his control!



a freak science accident turned my diabetes into superhuman strength! All right, Sidekick, we're supposed to investigate a girl who might know the location of the missing cat. Follow me!







These posts automatically appear without any notification after Captain Diabetes joined our team.

Ready? Let's go, Sidekick! Kyle's is this way!



We can't break this snow mountain here, so we're forced to go east.

I'm pretty much like Bruce Banner. A loner, hoping to one day cure my diabetes and yet knowing it means I'll no longer be able to fight crime...





I am Captain Diabetes and this is my faithful sidekick!
Oh, OK... Well, move outta the way, huh? I need to go buy some more beer.
I'm sorry, but Captain Diabetes CANNOT let you drive!
I'm fine to drive... OK? Get outta here!



Hey, GIMME MY KEEYS!
You are in no condition, sir!
I'm fine, OK? Look, wai- Look, look... I'm fine...OK? Gimme my keys. Please.
I'll return them, tomorrow!
GIMME MY FUCKIN' KEYS, YOU LITTLE SHIT!



Yep. We're fighting Beer Drunk Randy now

You think you can dance with this? Let's go!
Attack!

Hey! I almost spilled my drink!



You really need to sign up for AA, Mr Marsh.

Coma Combo: Brutal double punch with knockback [Knockback]

Like with our Rednecks battle, the car here is an object we can knock people into.

All right... You're gonna get it now...!!



I can't believe I did that without falling.

Beer Rush is a charge attack. Yes, enemies can charge and mess up our positioning.

Stop him, sidekick!

Fuck!

Watch and learn, Sidekick!



Ugh, I'm so sleepy.

Insulin Shock: Knock back and Slow foes, gain Protection [Slow] [Knockback] [Shield]



No thank you. I have diabetes!

Party Foul hits all adjacent enemies.

Ahh! I'm still fucking all staticky!

I'm keeping your keys, and that's final.



I'm shielded!

Sugar Rush: Dash attack that also grants Protection [Shield]

Yes, Captain Diabetes' attack that charge and the one that hits all adjacent enemies both gives Shield. He's REALLY good. Craig is basically outclassed in every way except Shining Hate Finger (Enraged & Blocking).

Wait, why are we fighting again?
I have made a citizen's arrest of your keys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, how'd I end up over here?

You can't stand up to my trusty Sidekick!

Fuck me.

Watch and learn, sidekick!

Fuck! Take it easy you shit!



I'm fine to drive! I'm fi- OK... OK... OK... Now I'm fine.
You should be fine to drive at approximately 11 AM tomorrow.

Fist Magic does not involve any magic, but it does involve Knockback.

You punk! That would've totally hurt if I could feel anything!

You know what actually involves magic (somewhat)? Captain Diabetes' super.



High-Fructose Death Wave: Brutalize and knock back a column of foes [Knockback]

Oh hey, the wife needs me to pick up some feminine products, so keys, please.

Dang it all! This is for your own good, Marsh!

Take them down, Sidekick!

This battle is essentially just to get us used to Captain Diabetes' moveset, considering he's our only party member for now.

I'll get those keys right after this short little nap.
Good night, Mr. Marsh!





We found out who keyed Randy's car and finished his request, but we can't selfie with him



We're railroaded into Kyle's house.



We're on our own, Sidekick. It's up to us to get to the bottom of this.
Just head upstairs, Sidekick.





It's kind of like when Wolverine took that green stuff at the end of Logan. Yeah, it's kind of like that.
Umm, can you use any of your powers to get the ladder down?





Farts make me angry. The Coon says it's because my mom farted when she gave birth to me, and that's why I have diabetes. I don't think that's why I have diabetes, though. I think it was a gift. To help fight crime.
The shortcut is through that window!
I don't have my own secret base, but if I did, at least I'd clean it before I knew I had super-guests coming over. He couldn't even set up the ladder for us! Jeez.



Not shown: the ladder Captain Diabetes was talking about.

Well done, Sidekick! This shortcut will take us right into the heart of downtown South Park!



ready to strike down evil and bring peace to the city. You don't think people get diabetes cuz their moms farted during childbirth, do you? I feel like Coon made that up to make Captain Diabetes feel insecure about himself...



We've got to get into the Peppermint Hippo. To the town square!



Yep. Still railroaded. Nighttime is very linear and won't allow for exploration.



My diabetic rage will do just the trick!



Oh my god, here it comes... That's so much sugar...



Whoever's inside is having a really shitty time

Oh god, it's too much... Need insulin... Need insulin fast...



masterfully I have learned to control my diabetes! Follow me this way!



More roadblocks, but the literal roadblock to the north is now gone



Here's where we're going to find the girl... There's sure to be unsavory characters and lots of boobies inside! Come on. Let's go inside.

Oh sure. Let's get two kids into a strip club. What could go wrong?



Stand aside, citizen! It is I, Captain Diabetes! I must speak with the ladies inside!
Bouncer: Get outta here before I fuckin' throw you out.
Hmm, what to do...

We could pester the bouncer. What could go wrong?

Bouncer: Hey, will you kids get outta here already?!
Bouncer: If you're gonna talk, take it the fuck outside.
Bouncer: I told you to get outta here.
Bouncer: Hey, there's fucking sweet hot tits back there and you're too young to see 'em, so fuck off!
Bouncer: No one under 21 can see those hot fucking tits, all right? Get out!
Bouncer: Look, everyone knows it's physically impossible to get past a red velvet rope, so just go away.



Oh god! Oh god! Oh god!





We can't force our way in, Sidekick. It seems we'll have to use our brains instead of our brawn!

If only we could go behind the red velvet rope and initiate combat with the bouncer



Look at this, Sidekick, a way in! All we need is a path up there!

Can't go anywhere else, so we need to get in through the window. Hitting the umbrella drops the lid and lets us go to it. If we can reach it, that is.

Great detective work, Sidekick! Now we just need a way up there! Over here, Sidekick! I have an idea!
Oh, of course! Stand aside, Sidekick!



After... After you!

That works



Yes, the guy is peeing outside the urinal. Yes, that's a condom on the ceiling that we can get with Snap N Pops. Yes, Captain Diabetes falls on his ass. And yes, Buttlord is wearing Yolanda's getup.

We made it! Our girl must be this way.
Man: Hey, what are you, a Leprechaun?
Man: Like to watch, do you?
Man: Get lost Leprechaun.
Oh wow, you got some components outta there! You can craft all kinds of things from components!

GEE THANKS TOWELIE I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN THAT



OK, we made it inside the strip club.



Well, don't freak out, Sidekick. We're superheroes. We can handle this. One of these ladies has information about the missing cat... But who? There's only one thing we can do. have to pick someone and take them to the VIP room. Find someone and meet me there.



Can't talk right now guys - too busy dropping these jaaams.
Sorry kid, can't talk right now, I'm working as a DJ in a gentlemen's cluuub.
Daycare is behind the bar, sweetie.
Hey, aren't you a little too young to be in here?
Man: (Hat) What're you looking at, half-pint?
Man: (Brown & Tie) Now now, kid, I got like a quarter chub!

We can't talk to Mr. Stotch or Mr. McCormick.



Buttlord is right behind Jimbo.

You got balls, kid.
Come back when you're 21 and I'll let you suck on my implants.



[Selfie] Yeah nah hey have you heard my CD yet? I'm a way bigger DJ than that asshole.

We can grab a Gin and Tonic from that table. Which is very nice because...



...yeah. At least that CD is within our price range.

[Selfie] You listen to that CD yet? Some good stuff on there. Let's do this.



Nice one.



Ah, the Yelper Special

Yes, that song actually plays when we pick it up.



We can pick up another Gin and Tonic from the fridge



And finally, we have these



Fun fact: Every time we go to the main lounge, there'll be a random poledancer along with DJ Hippo's introduction. We could take a seat and watch them dance, but I don't know why you would watch an animation of it.

Then again, hentai exists, so...



Get down on your knees and pray for Angel! Hallelujah!







Here are the other dancers for posterity.