Off-site Screenshot test poster

This has been a long time coming. I legitimately thought the LP would never reach this point and I'm still shocked that I'm sitting here typing these words out at this screengrab.

The Ultimate Weapon is the last quest in Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn's base game. By the time I will have posted the closing quest card, we'll have seen both the ending and the credits. Thank you all for sticking with me to this point. But we're not done yet, so let's go bash some fash.

For the final phase of the operation, my Flames will storm Castrum Meridianum and suppress what is left of the imperial garrison. If all goes well, this will allow you to reach the Praetorium unopposed-fit and ready for your encounter with the Ultima Weapon.

Yours is the most dangerous mission of all, but the best must bear the heaviest burden, and you're the best we have. There's not another soul in this realm that could see this deed done, and Merlwyb and Kan-E are of the same mind as me.

Though all hangs on your success, you must not let our plight make you desperate. Victory belongs to the bold, not the reckless. Bards are wont to sing of heroes who valued their life at naught next to honor, love, and liberty, but I tell you now: that which men value at naught, they sell cheap. Risk no more than you must, you hear me?

Now, best you were off-we have work to do, the both of us. See that your preparations are in order, then report to Cid. He awaits you with the Enterprise at the Ceruleum Processing Plant. May Rhalgr grant you strength.

We don't quite have a full crew for the Praetorium, but joining Ginger on this dungeon is Tydus Grey and Grandaux Closeau.

And because it's no longer too early in the morning in Australia to function properly, Orokin Reactor is now here as well.

The Enterprise is at your disposal. When you're ready to head for the Praetorium, you need only say the word. If we succeed in destroying the Ultima Weapon, it will deal a crippling blow to the Empire's hopes of conquest. After that, the XIVth Legion would not dare to move against us-barring the discovery of further Allagan doomsday devices, that is...

Let's be on our way, Ginger! Gaius and his plaything await!

Praetorium is basically a glorified cutscene dungeon. None of the fights are particularly hard unless you go in with everyone at minimum item level for some reason.

The Enterprise docks with the top of the dungeon and lets everyone off.

Legitimately surprised that there are no chickens, frogs, chocobos, ghosts, or moogles.

So here we are... The Ultima Weapon will almost certainly be housed in the depths of the complex.

With a signal, Biggs and Wedge leave. No turning back now!

This is it, my friend!

There's very little to be said about Prae when you're running around. So I'll make brief mention of it, but this update is mostly gonna be Gaius's world slowly unraveling around him while Ginger points and laughs, and Orokin, Grandaux, and Tydus all munch on popcorn.

The first room, just run past all the enemies and use the elevator. One tank may be nice enough to stay behind and ensure everyone else gets through, but don't count on it. So just rush to use the elevator before you're anchored here.

In the next room, gotta kill everyone.

Key goes in the terminal...

The next section, an outdoor area, the commonly accepted strategy is for everyone to break into a flat sprint and book it.

Down the ramp...

And past these jerks.

Another teleporter is on the other end. In my experience, usually 6 or 7 people will make it through and then those that are left behind will be beaten to death by a bunch of pissed off enemies. This is totally normal.

The remaining folks can kill these jerkbags.

Another key, another locked terminal.

First boss is in this control room.

Gaius!

Ah, Cid, my boy... You are late. There is something I always meant to tell you, yet the time never seemed right. It concerns your father.

...What of him?

In the winter of his years, Midas came to abhor his part in Meteor. He told me that he wanted nothing more than to wash his hands of the whole sordid business.

But he did not wash his hands of it. He helmed the project until the day it killed him!

Come now, Cid...you must know that he did not have the luxury of choice. By the time he realized his error, it was too late. Meteor had him completely in its thrall.

This seemingly-innocuous line was eventually revisited by a side-story in the 5.x patch series. So put a pin in it for much, much, much, much later.

Shortly before his...transformation, mayhap sensing that something was amiss, your father confided to me all the regrets of his life. Most of them concerned you. Early on in your career, he realized that while you had a talent for devising armaments, it would never fulfill you. Long before you knew your own mind, he saw that you would be far happier using your knowledge for peaceful purposes, and the thought touched him. He was a changed man for it, though he could not let it show.

You blew holes in this place just so you could say this to me!? What is it you want, Gaius!?

I want you at my side, Cid. Take up your father's mantle, and become the Empire's lead engineer. It is your destiny.

My father had a change of heart-you said so yourself! Besides, I have long known my destiny, and I assure you, it lies not with the Empire!

A pity. And what of you, adventurer? Will you not consider making common cause with me? With your powers joined to mine, we might do much for this realm. Together, we could bring order to Eorzea, and usher in a lasting peace.

Get fucked.

No? And I can expect no better answer than this? So be it. It was your strength that made me proffer my hand in friendship, and it is your strength that makes me proffer now my blade. Save as an ally, you are too dangerous to be let to remain.

You used to be able to tell Gaius "sure" here. If you did that (and why would you?) he thought you were being flippant.

Run, Cid. Or stay. It makes no matter. You cannot escape the past.

Gaius, wait! ...Damn it!

This boss is a speed bump. If you died to the group of enemies, you'll be offered a chance to port in 15 seconds after the fight starts. The fight will be over by that point.

I love Tydus's paladin relic. The flaming sword and shield is perhaps one of the best looking relics in the game.

Knowing Gaius, he is headed for the Ultima Weapon. If we find him, so too will we find our quarry.

With these instruments, we can monitor every nook and cranny in the castrum. I think it's time we divided our forces. Pray go on and give chase. I'll track your movements from here and guide you through the complex. We'll stay in contact via linkpearl. Be careful, all right?

The elevator is the most dangerous boss in here. If you're not paying attention because you're watching Netflix, then you'll get left behind.

Just run past these guys here. They all leash.

We actually need to go past this bulkhead, but we can't damage it. So we'll have to circle around with heavier firepower.

Another key/terminal combination.

The commentary is kinda perfunctory here because Praetorium is so mind numbing. I wouldn't be surprised if nobody actually responds to this because new sprouts doing this are so rare. Everyone has seen it dozens upon dozens of times.

Someone, for a joke, put the Praetorium on Letterboxd. The actual page has long since been taken down, but this is how people view the dungeon. I was trying to pay attention to the cutscenes while filming and it was a struggle.

Some poor bastards do this daily with speech and music on. They've committed Gaius's bullshit to memory. Please pour one out for our lost brothers and sisters and hope that one day they will be free of the memes.

Here's the other dangerous boss. Every player needs to use this terminal or they can't progress. Once again, inattentiveness makes folks fall behind.

At the top of the elevator, if you didn't use the terminal below, you can't use the magitek armor up here.

I'll be damned. It's Maggie.

*ring ring*

Ah, there she is! I trust you recognize our old friend. "Maggie," was it? They must have shipped her here from Centri. Considering all she's been through, it's a wonder she's still operational. Tough old girl!

Now that you're suitably armed, you can blast open that bulkhead. The external walkway will take you back there. Follow it till you come upon a way down to the lower level.

Everyone runs past the enemies here, but you can just use the Maggie's cannons to shoot them as you pass. It chunks their HP!

Blow the bulkhead up and take the lift down!

This hallway snakes back and forth and it's just some weak enemies followed by claws.

These Proto-Ultima Arms break out of the scenery and knock folks back. But they go down under sustained fire. The entire room repeats the process, so let's just skip ahead...

Another bulkhead lies at the far end. We need to break it too.

That bulkhead is composed of a special alloy. Extremely tough. Ordinary fire won't leave a mark, I'm afraid.

You'll need to divert all power to the magitek cannon, as I did so memorably once before. As you may recall, the armor's core is like to expire from the strain, but there's no help for it if we want to press on.

Now, listen well. Press...<buzzzzzz>...the control...<fizzzzzz>...engage ancillary...then fire away. Don't mind the warning lights.

Sorry, Maggie...

You're a natural at this! All right, the way's clear, but it's just you and your own two feet now, so be careful.

You walk forward like 50 yards and there's another cutscene. Seriously. Welcome to the back half of Praetorium where you watch 5 minutes of people monologuing followed by 2 minutes of combat.

You have been leaving a fine mess in your wake, adventurer.

Is someone there!?

Garlond, old friend. How it warms the heart to hear your voice again after all these years.

...Nero? Is that you!?

You sound well. It would seem this savage land agrees with you.

The highest ranking tribunus of the XIVth... It was you all this time?

Tell me, Garlond. How long do you intend to keep all the glory for yourself?

Uh...what? You've lost me.

Don't play the fool with me. Ever since the Academy, I have been condemned to live in your shadow. By all objective measure, I was the more talented of the two of us, yet that fact counted for naught beside your privileged birth. You were admired as the young prodigy simply because your father was the great Midas nan Garlond!

When you defected, I felt sure my star would finally rise... But by disappearing, you acquired the status of a legend-your reputed genius gaining credence merely by dint of your absence! Instead of cursing you for a traitor, the people actually came to think of you more fondly! To this day, you are still the young prodigy of magitek!

I, meanwhile, have ever been made to feel second-rate-I who have continued to serve our nation faithfully. Whenever I fail to excel-why, it is only to be expected! Yet when I exceed all reasonable expectations, people proclaim that I walk in the footsteps of the great Cid nan bloody Garlond!

Nero, I...I don't know what to say.

It matters not a whit what I achieve. Your existence has rendered mine worthless. Even Lord van Baelsar saw fit to offer you a place at his side-and this in spite of your betrayal! Did he extend any such offer to me-the man who has remained loyal to him for all these years? Why, no. He did not. Long have I endured this injustice...but no more.

Lord van Baelsar is in the midst of activating the fully powered Ultima Weapon. It is my magnum opus-the creation that will win me the recognition I am due. I will not let anyone interfere.

Nero shut Cid off. Yikes.

Ever since I first set foot in this benighted land, I have watched you-every move you have made, every step you have taken. You have felled eikons, a feat made possible by the Echo, a peculiar power which shields you from their corrupting influence. It is of little wonder that my lord has taken an interest in you.

As have I, if truth be told. It is my desire to harness your power for use in the Ultima Weapon.

Nero raises his arm to the skies...

Now you all understand why I was so confused 60 updates ago when Nero first appeared and had a huge gunblade on his back.

Should I succeed, Lord van Baelsar will surely take notice! Beside this, Garlond's achievements will be as child's play!

Come, adventurer, and yield to me the secrets of your power!

Nero? Speed. Bump.

He pretends to have mechanics, like electrifying the floor. It does not matter.

He'll tether claws to a player that then rush at them and flick them away. Still doesn't matter. Nero goes down in less than two minutes because he's one person and he picked a fight with eight.

This changes...nothing... I am the greatest engineer...the Empire has ever seen! By my hands...the field of magitek...shall reach its zenith!

Ahahahaha! The Ultima Weapon is activated, and it brims with the power of eikons! Nothing can withstand its might!

Are you all right!? What of Nero!?

I legitimately don't know. He disasppeared during the blackout.

...Fled!? Damn it! In the instant prior to the blackout, the instruments detected a massive power surge from the deepest chamber. Gaius is certain to be there! We have no time to waste!

Word arrived from the Alliance a short while ago. It seems the Order of the Twin Adder has completed its blockade of Castrum Centri. What hands they can spare are hastening this way even as we speak, and likewise for the Maelstrom. All that's left is to destroy the Ultima Weapon!

I like that the cutscene animators put one of the guys in the background motioning and talking. It's a cute touch to make everyone else seem alive during the cutscenes.

But even if we lose contact, you must go on. Just don't do anything I wouldn't do, all right?

Past this point all the cutscenes have voices. I'm not making videos of them. It's better for everyone's sanity this way. There's still a good 25 minutes of cutscenes before the ending even starts.

Look for the lift's control panel-it'll be somewhere nearby. Take the lift down, and you should find yourself in the chamber of the Ultima Weapon.

Guards go up...

Ginger goes down.

Keep your eyes peeled-Gaius could be waiting for you down there. Oh, and don't even think about dying. You're too bloody useful! The interference is getting worse. I don't think the connection will last much-

One person is always the guy with their hands on their hips. I like that it's one of the thread regulars (Solitair's character in this case). It always cracks me up to see someone standing there with their hands on their hips like they're impatient.

Enter Gaius...

Tell me...for whom do you fight?

...

Hmph! How very glib. And do you believe in Eorzea?

What the-? I don't even...

Eorzea's unity is forged of falsehoods. Its city-states are built on deceit. And its faith is an instrument of deception.

In Eorzea, the beast tribes often summon gods to fight in their stead-though your comrades only rarely respond in kind. Which is strange, is it not?

Are the "Twelve" otherwise engaged? I was given to understand they were your protectors. If you truly believe them your guardians, why do you not repeat the trick that served you so well at Carteneau, and call them down? They will answer-so long as you lavish them with crystals and gorge them on aether.

Gaius is totally the biggest athiest in the room and nobody else gives a damn.

Nor is this unknown to your masters. Which prompts the question: why do they cling to these false deities? What drives even men of learning-even the great Louisoix-to grovel at their feet? The answer? Your masters lack the strength to do otherwise!

For the world of man to mean anything, man must own the world.

His text boxes go one after the other with no breaks in between. So there's no shots without dialogue boxes.

And when the dust of battle settles, it is ever the strong who dictate the fate of the weak.

Bite of the Black Wolf (Listen to this! This is the only time this track plays in A Realm Reborn!)

Knowing this, but a single path is open to the impotent ruler-that of false worship. A path which leads to enervation and death.

Only a man of power can rightly steer the course of civilization. And in this land of creeping mendacity, that one truth will prove its salvation. Come, champion of Eorzea, face me! Your defeat shall serve as proof of my readiness to rule!

Gaius...

...picked a fight with eight people. So this goes exactly as you'd expect. Also the fight ends at 20%.

I had not thought to be so hard-pressed. Your strength is...most impressive. Such power befits a ruler! Yet you lack the resolve to put it to proper use. A waste.

The lift comes to a stop...

And Ginger lets Gaius walk off.

Gotta walk forward 10 feet into the next batch of cutscenes.

Time to face the Ultima Weapon!

Ginger and co have a staredown with Gaius...

And Ultima Weapon's neck opens up for a pilot.

Bear witness to the true power of the Ultima Weapon!

The Maker's Ruin

LISTEN TO THIS ONE

The video title is incorrect. This isn't the Ultima Weapon Phase 1 theme. This is the Warrior of Light's theme. That's Ginger's theme! When this plays, shit has gotten Real.

The Ultima Weapon is the true final boss of A Realm Reborn. It has a metric fuckton of HP to tear through and for the first 30 seconds of the fight, takes 99% reduced damage.

Hearken unto me, Crystal Bearer. Thy foe is Darkness clad in steel. If thou wouldst triumph, thou must look to the Light.

Hydaelyn directly intervenes and nukes Ultima Weapon's protection.

Powered up Ultima Weapon has moves from Garuda, Titan, and Ifrit.

If thou wouldst triumph, thou must look to the Light.

Garuda's essence... torn from the Ultima Weaon!?

I was in a bad spot for it, but as each Primal is beaten out of Ultima Weapon, they briefly appear in front of it.

Titan's as well? Impossible!

There's Titan being ripped out.

And then Ultima runs out of juice before we can rip Ifrit out. But he was next anyway.

Can her strength truly be so great?

It is the blessing of Light that confounds you.

Your foe acts under the protection of the Crystal she bears.

So, this is what empowers her.

Beyond mortal limits. If you are to prevail, the hammer of Darkness must needs be brought to bear upon the shield of Light. And so it shall, for the Ultima Weapon is host to a power of which you are as yet

Speak plainly, Ascian.

The magic within has lain dormant for eons.

Of what magic do you speak?

I sought the life force of the primals for no other reason but to quicken the core. For the true power of the Ultima Weapon lies within its now-beating Heart!

I always choose to believe this is the Ultima weapon trying to swat Lahabrea away.

No more than was necessary...for my god to be reborn.

Damn you, Ascian!

And from the deepest pit of the seven hells to the very pinnacle of the heavens, the world shall tremble! Unleash Ultima!

Ultima destroyed a lot of stuff, including mulitple gunships.

Ginger and friends are at least okay!

Ahahahahahaha!

Such devastation... This was not my intention...

Van Baelsar... Your enemy's shield is broken. The rest I leave to you.

Ladies and gentlemen behold... the green mote! Nobody knows where it came from, nor do they know where it goes.

We will speak later, Ascian.

But first, I must deal with you. The question of who is mightier remains!

And there's the green mote again. Bye green mote! It's like seeing an old friend.

Ultima (Listen to this!)

This is the proper final boss of A Realm Reborn.

Ultima weapon doesn't really have a lot of mechanics. It's just a dance party. Like in Qarn's final boss, a bunch of turrets spawn on the outside edge. Unlike in Qarn, nobody bothers to kill them because they make the fight interesting.

This is most... unexpected. You are possessed of great might, this I will allow. Yet yours is not the might of a ruler! Such is the difference between us-a difference that will assure my victory!

Do you see this red marker? This is the first time it appears in any dungeon or trial. This is a proximity marker. They will be increasingly common through the rest of the game. That marker deals damage based on how close you are to the epicenter when it goes off.

There's proximity markers because the gunships from before are falling out of the sky like rain.

Like I said, a dance party. It's a very mobile fight and it's super fun because of it.

At 10% HP, Ultima Weapon disappears and teleports to the middle of the arena.

How much destruction must be wreaked before you are sated!?

I have not the strength... to shield thee again... Permit not the manifestation of that vile magick... lest Darkness prevail!

If the cast bar fills, we wipe, which makes this I'm pretty sure the first boss fight with a hard enrage!

Ginger wins, of course.

Ultima Weapon is blowing up!

Gaius is violently ejected from Ultima Weapon.

Ginger hit him so hard, she knocked the Super Saiyan out of him!

Heed me... The subjects of a weak ruler must needs look to a higher power for providence...and their dependence comes at a cost to the realm. The misguided elevate the frail... And the frail lead the people astray. Unless a man of power wrests control...the cycle will never be broken.

You... You of all people must see the truth in this. You who have the strength to rule...

Ginger punched the fascist so hard that he got knocked the fuck out. Ultima Weapon explodes to prevent her from turning her ire against its body again.

Without Shadow

Pathetic. You boasted of unrivaled power. You were entrusted with the ultimate weapon. The ultimate magic! And still you failed. So much for the glory of man.

The growing imbalance afflicting the planet must be redressed. If it is permitted to worsen, the very laws of existence-both aetheric and physical-will be warped beyond all recognition. Know you the root of this corruption? Hydaelyn!

And naught but the return of the one true god will ensure Her complete excision. Yet to pave the way for the master's return, a chaotic confluence of untold proportions must needs be brought about. And that will necessitate the presence of the primals.