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Hello everyone and welcome back! Let's not waste any time in continuing this madness.
Verily, it could be naught else. Somewhere nearby dastardly doings are afoot, and only I can thwart them!
Copious quantities of sand, unbearable heat... Ah hah! The Sagolii Desert-I'd bet my life on it. Which means Ul'dah is but a short trek away. Yes, it all fits. Only that den of iniquity could so violently trigger my keen investigator's sense. Fear not, law-abiding citizens! Inspector Hildibrand shall soon deliver you from evil!
Which way did he go, Ginger!? Did you see? Oh dear, I've got to find him. Ah! And change my outfit too!
We should probably track Hildibrand down before he offends someone. The man hasn't bathed in literal years and has spent who knows how many weeks living in the Sagolii. That's not a good combination for poor, unprepared Ul'dah.
Beg your pardon? You wish to question me as to the whereabouts of that deviant running about town dressed in rags? Do I look like a reporter for the Mythril Eye? I do not consort with perverts!
The Mythril Eye is an investigative newspaper in Ul'dah.
What? Yer lookin' for a half-naked Highlander what likes to catch criminals? I think I'd remember a thing like that! If ye do manage to find this inspector friend of yers, tell him to do somethin' 'bout that godsdamned duelist! Me mate's pa's cousin's kid's best friend lost his blade the other day to that bastard!
Hmmm... Sorry, lass, but if it's information you want, you'd be served best by going to Wymond. The only rumors I've heard are those about the weapon thief. Calls himself a duelist, or so I hear, but when you don't allow your opponents to refuse, well...
The talk of the town seems to be this duelist fellow.
I take it you've dealt with that zombie problem, eh? So, do tell: just why were they dressin' up like dandies?
Wymond! HEY, WYMOND!
Hildy likes to pose.
It's true-he's not a zombie. I checked.
...Aye, you do seem to be hale an' healthy. Which, uh, begs the question: how in the seven hells did you survive that fall!?
Why question divine providence? What matters is that Eorzea's champion has returned, and that he-and by that I mean I-shall bring this thieving duelist to justice!
Heard about that, did you? Might be harder than you think. Even I've got no inklin' of that fellow's current whereabouts.
Inconceivable! I refuse to believe that the ever-inquisitive, ever-ambitious, ever-reliable Wymond is without a single shred of information-even one of dubious relevance.
Hmmm, well... I make no promises, mind you, but there was some talk of a fair maiden what said her most-
This knave assaulted a young woman as well!? The audacity! I should fly to her side at-
Ginger's turned to look at Hildibrand like "really, dude?"
<gasp> Why, if it isn't the lady from the Sagolii! A serendipitous encounter indeed! Unless...you too seek the belligerent duelist? Capital! It will be invigorating to engage in a friendly battle of wits. Already the spirit of competition fills me. Come, Nashu! We must away!
This is going to be a very long investigation if Hildibrand can't stop running off like an idiot.
Despite what most Japanese writers seem to think, jumping to conclusions and getting so excited you run off is not an inherently funny thing. It's very tedious, rather. I've complained at length about the "dramatic anime run away" thing and this is just the """""comedic""""" version.
Well, Ginger, you might as well go after him. He'll be disappointed if you don't.
The lady in question is named Yellow Moon. She's a woman with a taste for the finer things in life. Safe to say you'll find her gettin' fitted for somethin' in the Weavers' Guild most every day. Good luck with the inspectin', Inspector.
Here in the weavers' guild are a bunch of crates and a nice lady named Yellow Moon. We talked to her very briefly on Ginger's first day in Ul'dah. Someone gave us a sidequest to go talk to her and beg for forgiveness or something. She's a very popular woman.
My beloved Pure Heart was unlike any wand you've ever seen! Elegant, refined-the perfect accessory for any cultured woman. You will bring it back to me, won't you?
Redolent Rose is showing a lot of restraint in not having Hildibrand removed from the guildhall.
A priceless possession, callously ripped from the hands of its owner... The lady weeps, and the wind bears her sorrow to his ears. What gentleman could hear this clarion call and not beg the honor of championing her cause?
Wh-What in the world...?
I swear to you, here and now: I, Hildibrand, agent of enquiry, inspector extraordinaire, shall scour all creation-from the deepest pit of the seven hells to the very pinnacle of the heavens-for your Pure Heart!
What he said!
And you, my fellow servant of justice! I see your instincts are not to be underestimated, having guided you to this fair maiden's side. Now then, Miss Moon-what can you tell us of the theft?
Thefts, sir, to be precise. My Pure Heart was only the most recent item to be taken from me. I- <sniffle> I'm certain I had it when I left home the other day. After I browsed the latest fashions at Sunsilk and took in a match at the Coliseum, I realized it was gone...
So the time and location of the theft are unknown-essential details, without which we cannot solve the case. There is but one logical course of action, Miss Moon: to coax the hidden clues from your memories, we must reenact that fateful day's excursion. To Sunsilk Tapestries!
I think it's easier and faster if we humor him and follow along. Otherwise his nonexistant attention span will wander and then who knows what will happen...
Hello returner person who is very obviously using a nude mod.
Oh, I don't know... Are you sure this is going to help?
Nashu, I'm pretty sure, is narcoleptic. Or she's very, very overworked. She can fall asleep at the drop of a hat, often while standing up. Right now she's dozing while sitting on those crates.
Miss Moon, would you be so kind as to describe your visit in detail on the day in question?
Nothing unusual happened, but if you insist... I was pondering whether or not to purchase a new dress, when a man approached me and confessed his undying love. What sort of man says that to a complete stranger, I ask you? Naturally, I was taken aback. I dropped my purse-in shock, not intentionally-on his foot, and he cried out in pain and fled.
If I may be so bold, Miss Moon, that strikes me as a most unusual happening!
Nashu status: still sleeping.
In any case, it appears to be completely unrelated to the theft. Let us next proceed to the Coliseum and see what you remember.
Hmmm... That crate's looking at me funny.
I'll give her this, she is pretty sharp. Those crates have been everywhere Yellow Moon is, and she's taken notice of them when even the Inspector hasn't.
Once again, Miss Moon, if you would be so kind as to tell us what you remember...
Well, like before, nothing unusual happened. I felt like gambling that day and was debating which match to observe, when a gladiator approached me from behind and confessed his undying love. Naturally, I was taken aback. I whirled about and struck the man in the face with my purse-in shock, not intentionally. Unfortunately, since I was carrying a tremendous sum of money, my purse weighed about six score ponzes, and the blow was enough to render him unconscious.
One hundred and twenty ponzes!? Miss Moon, you are a remarkably strong woman!
...Which is precisely why you were targeted! Oh, it's so obvious in hindsight. The thief bore you a grudge- No, it's more than that-he hated you with a passion...
That's his thinking pose.
Are these the same crates that have been following us, or different ones?
These crates are everywhere, Ginger. I wonder what's inside? But I don't see how we can open- Ah, of course! I still have plenty of explosives. Here, why don't you try? It'll be fun!
You might want to stand back...
Stand back! I am on the verge of unraveling this mystery! I must be allowed to focus!
<groan> Oh gods, have mercy!
Wow, there were people in there!? I guess that explains the breathing and- <gasp> Isn't that Yellow Moon's Pure Heart!? Inspector! Oh, Inspector-look!
At the heart of every crime rests a single, unassailable truth, reached only by navigating a web of falsehoods and contradictions. Hearken to me now, for as a shepherd leads his flock, I shall guide you to my irrefutable conclusion!
A gladiator professes his feelings only to be rejected and physically assaulted in response, wounding his pride as a warrior and man. Resenting her prowess whilst recognizing his weakness, he carries out a more feasible vengeance: he robs Yellow Moon of her weapon, the Pure Heart!
What.
Inspector, we found the Pure Heart! These strange men sneaking around town in wooden crates had it.
It's not what you think! W-We're not thieves-we're devotees! Yellow Moon is our sun and stars-we only wished to keep her safe from harm! And...should she misplace an item from time to time, we'd collect it-for safekeeping, nothing untoward!
Ah! Such unbridled fury, such righteous indignation! We should be glad to accept the goddess's punishment!
Pretty creepy, dude.
Nashu is applauding Hildy here.
Goddess...? Devotees...? Aaah! B-But of course! That I had you inspect those crates was a stroke of genius indeed! As I was elucidating but a moment ago, those fiends are obviously the ones responsible for the recent rash of weapon thefts, as-
Those thefts were carried out by a single individual, you imbecile.
Conundrum
Lest you've forgotten, the culprit is a duelist-he only claims his victims' weapons after defeating them in single combat. If your powers of observation are as great as you claim, you should have deduced that those buffoons in boxes were incapable of such. I should know-I'm a reporter for the Mythril Eye. My name is Ellie, and I've been investigating these incidents for weeks.
Inspector Hildibrand, gentleman investigator and agent of enquiry, I presume? You're looking well for a dead man. Would you like to meet one of the duelist's victims? I'll introduce you, with pleasure.
You would be willing to share such precious information with me? Your generosity is commendable, Miss Ellie! May this mark the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship!
Huh? Wh-Where in the bloody hells do you think you're going!? I haven't told you anything yet!
<sigh> I suppose since you're the imbecile's friend, you intend to help him. The man you want to find is an adventurer named Humphrey. At present, he can be found at the Golden Bazaar. With luck, the good inspector may find his way there by the time you arrive. If not, then so be it. Hah hah... I wonder what will happen when he discovers that the victim is a perpetrator as well?
The Golden Bazaar is a backwater-ass place. Ginger had to come here all of once for the MSQ while she was tracking down who was selling people out to Ifrit.
Aye, I'm Humphrey. And you are?
I'm Gi--
<huff> <puff> At last, I've caught up with you! You there, young sir-I am told you are a victim of the marauding duelist?
Me? A victim? Hah hah hah, how amusing-you amuse me! True, I was challenged by the duelist not long ago. But where he thought to find a whelp...
Note to self, keep the Warrior thing on the down-low so I don't wind up looking like this guy.
You mean you won!? That's amazing!
Heh, well, it was nothing compared to what I faced at Carteneau! Magitek to the right of us, magitek to the left of us! Stuck in the middle with Master Lou, we were. Cor, he was a dab hand with the old magic, he was! I tried to save him, of course, but there's a limit to how many giant beasties a man can-
That man is no Warrior of Light!
Tell them, Eleazar! Tell them how he lost and surrendered a sword that was not his own!
Liar! Scoundrel! I trusted that bastard with me father's blade, bid him take it to a smitty for restoration-even gave him gil to pay for it! Then he comes crawlin' back snivelin' an' beggin' forgiveness for losin' it in a duel! As if that's enough to set things right! Look at me, ye bleedin' whoreson-look at me! Me flowin' golden locks are no more! I've gone bald from the stress an' heartbreak...
All right, all right! He beat the shite out of me and took the old man's sword. I used the gil to pay the chirurgeon. I have no idea where he or the sword is. What am I supposed to do, huh? I can't give him what I don't have! Unless... Unless you help me find the sword! That's what you do, right? Help people?
Have you no shame!? First you claim a legacy not your own, then you beg others to help you with problems of your own making! You will refuse this man, won't you, Inspector?
...And what of Eleazar's flowing golden locks? How will forsaking young Humphrey help the man he has wronged?
We shall begin our search for the sword by questioning the people of the Golden Bazaar!
Do all inspectors dress like that? I've never met one before, so I don't know what to expect.
That blade was a rare and ancient relic. He can't possibly think he'll recover it so easily...
The Gift of Life (Thanalan Camps Theme)
Nashu, uh, seems to have an admirer.
Antique swords? Oh, I haven't the foggiest about that. That traveling merchant Jojonpa is the one you ought to speak with-assuming he hasn't left.
Yet what drives this man to always claim his opponent's weapon? Pride? No, it must be deeper than that...
Eleazar's sword? Wasn't much to look at, but at least it was authentic. More than a few collectors have been tricked into purchasing counterfeit relics.
That boy should be ashamed of himself! Robbing poor Eleazar of a priceless family heirloom... Just goes to show you should never trust an adventurer who claims to be a Warrior of Light. Thieves and tricksters, the lot of them. <sigh> It may not be the most honorable solution, but mayhap you should consider giving Eleazar a counterfeit blade. If the deception brings him peace in his final days, would it be so wrong?
Jojonpa is up at the northern exit from the town.
Hey, got a question...
I'm afraid I have no knowledge of an ancient sword-at least, not of one I can guarantee to be authentic. You see, any wares I determine to be of dubious origins I immediately discard in the spring east of Camp Drybone. Although I have no swords for sale at present, I may have disposed of a facsimile similar in design to the one you describe.
This presents a quandary. Though I am loath to deceive an honorable man like Eleazar, a well-intentioned ruse may put his heart at ease, thus spurring the rejuvenation of his flowing golden locks, whilst we continue to search for the genuine article.
Well, if there is a sword in that spring, it won't remain there for long. It's one of the more convenient sources of fresh water for the commonfolk in Camp Drybone.
Tsk-tsk. You should endeavor to be more optimistic, Miss Ellie-like me! I say we search the spring first before declaring all to be lost.
Ahahaha! Forgive me, I could contain myself no longer. What kind of fool parades about in an outfit like that? Was he some sort of mummer?
Everyone seems pretty amused at Hildy's (lack of) clothing.
Way over in the spring that Jojonpa mentioned...
It occurs to me that I am not yet fully recovered from my accumulated injuries. It would not be prudent to immerse my body in water... Not without first coating it with a liberal application of salamander oil, that is! Indeed, on many an occasion my dearest mother tended my childhood scrapes just so.
You understand the importance of physical rehabilitation, yes? Then you can assist me by pouring the oil all over my body.
Are you serious? *applies oil*
Ahhh, this comforting scent, as though I am a child in her arms... Quickly now, before it dries-knead the oil into my aching flesh!
Ginger seems to have a knack for massaging oil into eccentric muscle men's bodies. Come to think of it, wasn't Godbert's last name... nahhhh. Probably just a coincidence!
Ahhh, the rel- Gah! The pain multiplies manifold! Gently, now-gently!
Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods... Yesss, at last! My muscles slacken and soften, the warmth spreads, and the pain becomes pleasure!
Right there, yes! Keep doing that, just like that, just like- <groan> Yesss! Now, once more-with feeling!
Four times is quite enough of that, game. The joke wears thin past this point.
Ahhh! Never before have I received such splendid ministrations. Now, then-into the spring. You as well, my good woman!
I spy with my inspector's eye...
I spy a pot over there...
A neat rock here...
Ginger Pepper: professional trash collector.
You've been productive! Excellent. May I see what you've found?
Uhh... trash. And a rock.
I think the item description person is laughing at us.
No sign of the sword Jojonpa mentioned, I see...
Ah!
Now I'm all wet! What was that, anyway!?
Hm? Did something cause you to-
By Design (It's this cutscene. And the next one.)
If you can't see it, there's a blade just barely visible next to Ellie.
Once again, my instincts have guided us to our quarry! That I had you search that section of the spring was a stroke of...of... <sneeze>
Inspector, it's bad for your health to conduct investigations in those clothes! I'll go to Ul'dah and fetch you some new ones.
How thoughtful of you, Nashu! While you're there, purchase a few bottles of hair tonic for Eleazar as well-the newest, most potent blend you can find.
Is it not wonderful, my friend? Soon all of Eleazar's woes will be no more!
I think Ginger has made friends with Hildibrand. Oh no...
Back over at Eleazar's house...
The Return of Hildibrand (The rest of the update is covered in this if you want to watch)
By Design (By Design is a good track)
As promised, I return to you your father's ancient blade.
Aye, it is her! Every chip an' scratch is just as I remember. Gods bless ye, sir!
I never expected you would go to such lengths for two strangers without thought of reward. Altruism is a rare trait these days.
'Tis common enough if you know where to look. A gentleman recognizes the good in every soul, and understands that none deserve to be forsaken!
Spoken like a true gentleman-though your garments beg to differ.
Hildy seems to actually notice his state of near-undress for the first time.
Inspector, I've brought your change of clothing! I also bought a supply of tonic from this peddler I met in Pearl Lane!
Excellent work, Nashu! If you would just bring me that case...
Eleazar seems quite happy here, and understandably so!
He's got what appears to be a lifetime supply of hair tonic.
The way this is framed makes it appear like someone is looking in from the outside.
And they're looking right at Hildy...
Ginger feels something first...
Ginger steps right back like she did when Karasu tried to hit her with a kunai.
Hildy doesn't have her reflexes.
Everyone is pretty shocked!
...except Eleazar, but that's fine. He's busy with something else.
...Inspector? Inspector Hildibrand?
Conundrum
There appears to be something lodged in my forehead. Could it be...a missive from an adoring admirer?
Hildy goes to pull out the, uh, card.
Eleazar's head is sparkling!
Hmmm... The author neglected to pen her name. "I shall come to claim the collector's blade." Is that supposed to be flattering?
No, you- It's supposed to be intimidating. The duelist wrote this. He's daring you to stop him!
Nashu is excited, Humphrey is shocked, and Ginger is wondering what the heck she's gotten herself into.
Hildy is quite enthused.
A challenge! For me! Ho- At last, the curtain rises... Very well! If I am to duel the duelist, I must dress for the occasion!
Agent of Inquiry (LISTEN TO THIS ONE!) (Also it's this cutscene.)
Hildy goes to change...
And after like ten bottles, Eleazar has a reaction...
His head is illuminating the room!
Hildy poses...
I, Hildibrand, agent of enquiry, inspector extraordinaire, accept your challenge!
He's...he's incredible! So bold, so majestic-just like a Warrior of Light!
No-a Gentleman of Light!
He is...exceptionally...something.
Don't forget that all this illumination was because of Eleazar...
Everyone inside is celebrating. But outside...
Hildibrand...
Conundrum
Elsewhere in the desert...
...someone has lost to the duelist.
...This is far from the strongest of swords.
Blue, blue skies and the rolling desert... How much longer must I seek the blade of legend?
Agent of Inquiry
Next time on Agent of Inquiry...
Hey, I know that spear! That's the one I found buried with the pumpkins!
Hildy turns like "the fuck?"
...and a coblyn runs across the screen.
Bye Nashu! 
NEXT TIME: It's been long enough. The 2.1 MSQ awaits!