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When you load your most recent save, the game displays stills from the last mission you completed. When you start a new file, it shows stills from the final "mission" of Saints Row 1, Salting the Earth.
Vacation's Over
The doors to the prison breakroom swung open suddenly, which gave the man watching the television a small heart attack. He immediately sat up in his seat and turned his full attention to whoever was entering. Usually someone bursting into the break room meant something bad had gone down, so he was prepared to hear the worst.
"You'll never guess who's awake."
His former apprehensions were immediately forgotten. The guard tossed the remote lazily onto the coffee table and stood up, sharing in the excitement of his coworker.
"You're shitting me."
"Come see for yourself."
"How long has it been?"
Fred, the blond prison guard who had been watching television, rushed to join up with Barney, the man who wore a hat.
That's their names according to the ever-reliable Saints Row wikia Fandom Wiki.
"Years... I stopped keeping track a while ago."
"I can't believe it's been that long..."
"Time flies when you're watching someone breathe through a tube."
The pair descended the stairs and made their way to the prison infirmary.
"How's the family?"
"My wife's cheating on me with an Ultor exec, and, uh, my daughter sits in her room listening to Aisha albums all day."
"For a dead woman she sure releases a lot of records..."
"No shit."
At the bottom of the staircase, Barney punched in the code to unlock the door while Fred dragged his baton across the bars out of boredom. The noise was a familiar one to every guard in the prison, as they had all done it at one point or another without even realizing it.
"God, that was a hell of a year... Alderman Hughes, Mayor Winslow, Aisha, Chief Monroe..."
"All murdered by that asshole who's been sitting in intensive care on tax payers' money."
This time, Fred took his turn and plugged in the code for the second door while Barney waited.
"Troy said he wouldn't pull the plug."
"Lord knows why."
"Anyone call the Chief?"
"Couldn't get through... the press has been mobbing him with phone calls..."
"Oh, about the-"
"Yep."
As the guards passed, a small commotion was happening in the communal indoor area. A short guy in a purple beanie said something to one of the other prisoners and took a knife to the gut for his troubles. Neither Fred nor Barney paid the least bit of attention to the shanking.
"I forgot that was today."
"You should pay more attention."
"Fuck off. It's been a long day as it is."
Fred threw the doors to the infirmary open, his voice preceded him into the small clinic and caught the immediate attention of both inhabitants.
"How's the patient?"
"Seeing as they're still breathing after being caught in a massive explosion... I'd say pretty good."
"Coming through!"
As the guards approached the doctor, a nurse dashed into the infirmary with a prisoner on a cot. It was the beanie-clad man that had gotten shanked.
"What happened?"
"Shanking..."
"Put him over there! Sorry about that."
Neither the guards nor the doctor were the least bit worried about the injured prisoner. No, their attention was wholly consumed by the bed that all three of them were now gathered around.
"Have they said anything yet?"
"Not yet. But I'm about to take the bandages off..."
Character creation time!
For Reasons, we're playing as a female Boss. She's got a bit of an attitude. I'd show you how I made her, but it was seriously 15 minutes of just nudging sliders around until I got something vaguely workable.
Unlike a lot of the fans of this series, I firmly believe that the Boss is the straight man to the insanity happening around them. It's moderately funny to have a wacky obese clown with a caved in face running around doing stuff in the game, but only briefly. The joke wears thin pretty quickly. A short, scrawny woman holding a rocket launcher nearly as big as she is and firing wildly out of a moving helicopter is a lot funnier!
The Great Escape
"Yes... That looks like it healed nicely."
It's a Saint's Row tradition to spend a half hour in character creation, make something that looks good to you, get out, and realize that you completely fucked their face up in some fashion. I don't thiiink it happened here.
"Be careful doctor, your patient's dangerous."
Fred ushered the doctor away from the now-awake Playa.
"You got anything you wanna say to the judge you better start thinkin' of it now..."
"You're wasting your time...let's get a hold of Troy."
With their threat passed along, Fred and Barney both left the infirmary to pass word on to their boss, Troy. He had made it amply clear to every man in his employ at the prison that he wanted to know the second that the former boss of the Saints was awake. Meanwhile from nearby, a quiet voice sounded from behind a nearby curtain...
"Psst! Hey!"
"Is it really you?"
"Do I know you?"
"My brother was in the Saints and he told me all about you...listen we gotta get you outta here."
With some difficulty, Playa rose to her elbow and turned to her left to converse with her newfound companion.
"Well I'm sure if we ask nicely..."
"I know a way out..."
"Yeah? Then why are you still here?"
"I heard you were in here and I wanted to bust you out..."
Unable to believe what she was hearing, and also still feeling somewhat weak from her long repose, Playa laid back down on the bed with an exasperated sigh.
"Getting out of here's a two man job and no one else will give it a try..."
"You really expect me to trust some guy I don't even know?"
"Come on, I just got myself shanked so I could get a chance to talk to you. Doesn't that show I'm loyal?"
Repeating dialogue in the screenshots is just going to be a thing that happens. I can turn off the subtitles if it really bothers people, though.
"It shows that you're dumb enough to let yourself get stabbed..."
"I'm trying to help you!"
"You know what I got the last time I trusted someone? Blown the fuck up."
"You need me."
"The hell I do, I got the Saints."
"Heh. Sure you do."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"How long do you think you've been out?"
"Uh, I dunno man... 2-3 weeks?"
"Try five years."
"What the fuck..."
"Look, I know you think you're a badass but do you even know where you're at? Without me you'll be wandering around the prison for hours. Even if you manage to hide from the guards that long, and if you actually figure out how to make it outside these walls you're just gonna find out that you're sitting on a goddamn island. And I'm pretty sure you can't out swim the coast guard."
"You got a boat stashed here?"
"No, but I know where we're gonna steal one."
"Alright, let's get out of here..."
Swinging both legs over the edge of the bed, Playa sat fully up and stretched. She could feel, and her companion could audibly hear, her back popping several times. Muscles that had not been used for years screamed and burned from the activity. She pushed herself forward out of bed and landed squarely on both feet. To her surprise, she did not immediately collapse. Evidently the doctor had been massaging her muscles to keep them from atrophying while she slept.
Also she's floating because the cutscenes don't know how to handle using a shorter model. When I installed Gentlemen of the Row, I made her five-nothing instead of the default height. So there's gonna be a lot of cutscene wonkiness. I think it adds to the charm.
"I'm Carlos, by the way."
"Good to meet you. Let's get the fuck out of here."
The game controls relatively decently on a 360 XBONE controller.
As thanks for keeping her alive and active, Playa beat the doctor to death. A subsequent search of her lab coat found a small key ring, which Playa stuck in her jumpsuit pocket. She didn't feel the least bit guilty for doing so.
"We can either try to sneak out through the roof, or charge out the front, your call..."
I usually play the tutorial because it's more fun than just killing your way out of the building.
"Let's take things quietly. I'd rather not have to kill most of the prison guards on duty just yet. Not without a reason, at any rate."
"Trust me, the bastards deserve it. Those beatings hurt, man."
"Well, if it'll make you feel any better, we'll kill any we find on our path."
"Hang a right here, then through the maintenance door under the stairs."
"I can't believe I'm breaking out of jail with you!"
"I think we might pull this off, Carlos."
This could be one of those screenshots on a storefront.
Playa rubbed her knuckles and flexed her fingers after beating the guards to death. When the second guard had gone down, her baton had fallen from her fingers and now laid right next to Playa's feet. She bent down and retrieved the bludgeon.
"Hey Carlos, want to show the guards just how much beatings actually hurt?"
"Ha! I like the way you think."
Carlos nodded at Playa and wrenched his own baton from the first guard's grip. He flipped it up through the air and caught the handle on the way down with a smirk.
"OK, we gotta climb these pipes up to the roof..."
"So do you remember my brother?"
"He was the one in purple right?"
"I won't get mad if you say no."
"A lot of what happened five years ago is a blur to me. Sorry."
"When we get outta here, I'll show you his picture."
"So what are you gonna do when you get outta here?"
"Not get blown up..."
Crouching almost never again comes up after this. It's a good thing to know, but it's there because GTA4 had it. I think.
After a few minutes of climbing the indoor ventilation ducts, Playa and Carlos both emerged on the roof of the prison. A nearby guard faced away from the pair, a cigarette loosely grasped between her fingers. She appeared to be lost in her own little world, which afforded the pair of felons an opportunity to get close.
With no remorse, Playa smashed her on the back of the head with a baton and left her lying on the rooftop. She was about to move on when she noticed this particular guard had been armed with a pistol. Playa removed the gun from the holster and ejected the magazine to count the ammunition inside.
"Sixteen shots is not a lot..."
"All you need is to land one between the eyes. Then you can get more ammo from their bodies."
"I like this plan."
"Maybe going out the front door wouldn't've been such a bad idea after all..."
While the initial plan had been to sneak out on the roof, Playa couldn't resist going loud once she got her hands on an NR4. This was a lot faster than clubbing guards to death with blackjacks, but it also meant that the island was now abuzz with the droning noise of helicopter rotors. Playa shot a few times at a nearby copter as she made her way across the rooftop. The pilot, wisely, decided to be elsewhere.
"I think we might pull this off!"
"We're not outta here yet!"
Not even a minute later, the copter had already returned. But the wear from Playa's shots was evident. White smoke was pouring from the airframe that protected the rotor gearbox. Playa shot a few more times and managed to hit the pilot through the windshield. The chopper spiraled out of control and disappeared from sight. A moment later, a small explosion rocked the island as the vehicle crashed into the rocks in the sea far below.
"Told you I'd get you outta here."
"I gotta tell ya Carlos, I'm impressed..."
A second helicopter came to investigate the disappearance of the first one. The noise it was making irritated Playa, so she shot at it until it joined its friend below.
"You'd think they'd stop sending those things after us."
"Nah. The police are ridiculously well funded. They got thousands of choppers they're just dying to use."
"Great..."
"This is the fire escape, by the way. We're almost home free."
"If we make our way down, we can get to the docks and take a boat off this fuckin' island..."
Around the corner, Playa found a few trucks in the overnight employee parking lot. Luckily, the first one was unlocked.
She waited for Carlos to get into the seat and close the door, and then she threw the vehicle into reverse and peeled out. As they left the front gates of the prison, they could see that whole island was lit up with flashing blue and red lights. Every police unit on the prison island had been mobilized for the breakout, and most of those cars were actively trying to prevent the pair from reaching the docks.
The police eventually succeeded in stopping Playa and Carlos, but only at the docks. And they weren't prepared for the two to immediately book it past the cruisers.
Once they had passed the roadblock, the pair were home free. The boat Carlos was intending to steal was ready and waiting at the end of the pier.
"Get in the boat, I'm drivin'."
Carlos engaged the throttle and the boat jumped forward in the water with a sudden lurch. Carlos managed to stay standing because his hands were on the wheel, but Playa fell down hard. She was going to curse Carlos out when her eyes caught on a beautiful sight. Tucked under one of the seats was an AR200 SAW.
She brought it up to show to Carlos, who had to give his own low whistle of appreciation at the military-grade assault weapon. An idea then occurred to him.
"Man the gun, I'm gonna get us outta here!"
Police speedboats swarmed the escaping convicts. Playa rested the ammo box of the weapon on the hull of the boat to steady her aim and fired at anything that was chasing them. The rifle ammunition punched holes in the fiberglass speedboat hulls and many of them died right there in the bay. A few rounds of ammo, however, punctured the boats' fuel tanks. Those unfortunate boats exploded spectacularly.
It didn't take too long for the police to call off the chase. Once the pair had passed the traffic bridge, the few remaining boats circled back to the prison island to lick their wounds. Better to let the prisoners escape than to risk certain death.
"Almost home free baby."
The last helicopter, however, was manned by some wannabe heroes. The policemen inside doggedly pursued the boat until Playa shot it out of the sky with the last rounds in the machine gun's ammo box.
Catching Up
"That's the Row?"
"It is now..."
"Jesus, when did this happen?"
"When Ultor got involved."
"The clothing company?"
"After Hughes was killed in that bombing of yours, Ultor picked up the pieces. Now they're everywhere...on TV, on billboards, in stores...hell , if you ever forget who Ultor is just look towards Saints Row and you'll see that fuckin' eye sore..."
Carlos brought the boat to a stop at a nearby pier and disembarked.
"Here we are..."
"Where can I find the other Saints?"
"What other Saints?"
"Whatchu talkin' about?"
"Without anyone to lead 'em the Saints fell apart...once the Brotherhood, Ronin, and Samedi showed up the few that were left dropped their flags before they got killed... I'm the only one that's left."
"Well that's fuckin' great..."
"Look, I know you didn't ask for it, but my advice is to just keep your head down...the cops are looking for you and a lot's changed, I say ya just go buy a beer and soak up as much information as you can."
"Thanks Carlos."
"Anytime..."
"It's been said that this year's heatwave has made this summer the worst in Stilwater's history. Today another feather has been added to this year's dubious cap: the leader of the Third Street Saints has awoken."
"Long since forgotten, this criminal icon joined fellow inmate Carlos Mendoza in brazen escape from Stilwater Penitentiary. In a plan born from pruno and desperation, the two fugitives cut a bloody swath as they moved from cell block to the open water. While their current wherabouts are unknown, it's safe to assume that the sidewalks are no longer safe. I'm Jane Valderamma, Channel 6 news."
That's it for this update. In the interests of keeping them breezy, I'm limiting them to a single mission per. Join me next time as we do just what Carlos suggested!