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Hello everyone and welcome back. Today's update is gonna conclude the first Great Fucking Around break.



If you take the correct path in the caves, you will quickly find that they have a harbor in the back.



Out in the water a little ways out is a nearby race.



The race itself isn't hard, but...



It is possible to beach yourself. In this case, you just have to wait for time to run out before you can start again. As far as I can tell, there's no quick restart option in the menu.



The good news is that once the timer hits 0 on gold, it's less than 20 seconds until you can restart.



This is nowhere near the hardest race in the game. I was just an idiot who tried to take a shortcut across dry land in a jet ski. While evidently shackled to the seat.





In the other part of the cave are a couple of spray targets.



This is one of the very few that, thanks to the stuff we've done, will not trigger a police intervention. Also there's an assassination target nearby. We'll get to him shortly.



The path in the cave goes in a big loop, so if you walk around enough you'll eventually find the second spray target.



The target for assassination is down below.



He's some loser dressed like Indy.



Like all things, Playa's shotgun puts a firm end to the disagreements.



Anyway, let's move on to finishing out the races. Yes, by the time we conclude this update, we'll have done all 27? 28? races in the game.



Over here hear the "Saints Row Mega Condo" we can find the first race in our sights.



There are car races, boat races, jet ski races, bike races, helicopter races, and even plane races. All the ones that aren't on cars or bikes are checkpoint races. Can you imagine trying to fly a helicopter or a speedboat while racing NPC drivers?



I will not be getting all golds. I'm not even gonna try. You only need Bronze or better to qualify for the unlock, and most races in open world games suck. I've hated them since I repeatedly failed at the story-critical ones in San Andreas, 18 years ago.



Another CD under an overpass behind the Phillips Building, where Ultor is headquartered.



And another race just above.



I am not good at races.



My vague plan is to start in Saints Row, finish all the races there, go across most of the southern island, hit the airport, circle up to the northern island, and hit every remaining race in a counter-clockwise fashion around the map.





The arrows on the checkpoints point directly at the next checkpoint, for better or worse. So remember to not use them as literal guidance.



Another CD on the map near the assassin targets in Saints Row. I'm sure this will not come back to bite me in the ass when I need to find all of them and I'm following some Steam guide.



Across the street from the caverns is the next race.

This one is a jet ski checkpoint race through the caverns! Kinda neat. Also the radio says Klassic 102.4, but the radio is set to 89.9, GenX. And, yes, DJ Veteran Child really did dedicate Hate to Shaundi. We'll meet him proper in the next update!



Feel free to try and beat my times if you're playing along. They aren't exactly optimized. Half of that race was spent running into cavern walls at full speed.



The next race is wayyy over at the airport and...



Christ, it's this one. Let me just demonstrate the difficulties I had with this one.









Up until here, I had no idea where the next checkpoint was. I finally located it up on top of the airport terminal.



And the next checkpoint after that was the end to.





Time is tight enough that I destroyed the vehicle here when I missed the mandatory jump. Oh don't worry, I'll show the whole track off in excruciating detail for the victory run.





So the race starts you at the highway on-ramp that curls around the terminal.



The first part is pretty straightforward.



You go up, around, and back down.



Then into the parking garage.



And up...



...every...



...single...



...floor...



...to the top.



Up top you need to line up a jump off the roof in no time at all.



And you need to land on the highway that you started on.



If you hit the jump wrong, you'll miss entirely and waste a lot of time getting back on the highway from where you started.



Back around again. This arrow is pointing ever-so-slightly up. That's your only cue.



You need to ramp up off the glass breezeway roof and land on top of the terminal.



This is what tripped me up so many times. I drove off the roof and hit the highway, which flipped the car without fail every time. Also note that the gold time has already ticked down and silver is about to run out as well.



For once we landed on our wheels, so we can get to the end for a close finish.



4 seconds left. I don't think it's actually possible to get gold here. You would have to take the parking garage, which has hairpin turns, at top speed. And handbrake turns do not work at all. They cost you far more time than you would save. Believe me, I tried. A lot.



Over on the far side, we find another race.



The first bike race. These suck because bikes universally suck in Saints Row games.



The people in first, by this point, have long since finished. The person in fourth went home to Narnia. So I just need to finish. No time limit at all. Too bad I kept getting knocked off.



Bike race bad.



According to the stats, that marks 10. So we still got a ways to go yet.



Next race is way down here on the tarmac.



It's one of only two plane races in the game.



Planes control kinda awkwardly. But you can use them for base jumping. The plane we're in is really fast, and the controls are a little too responsive. So it requires a feather touch.



Would have been an easy gold had I not missed an early ring I had to circle back around for. Oh well!



We'll just store this in the garage for a rainy day. You never know when you'll need a helicopter for some reason.



We're getting there, slowly but surely.



Before we continue our racing spree...

So. Septic Avenger. It's perhaps the most well-known activity in Saints Row 2. It never returned after this game, sadly. But it's the game's enduring legacy.



The idea is just like Javier said. We drive around and spray poo at stuff. The blue bar in the middle of the screen is how much pressure is in the hose. So we need to periodically rest to let it recover.



You get cash for hitting anything with the stream of liquid shit. But you get more for hitting special targets.



There's also an infinite stream of cops trying to shoot a municipal truck with handguns. So you can get a quick $1000 by spraying their car. And $250 per cop!



You can stop the truck with left trigger, while you spray with right trigger. So it's not difficult to complete each stage.

Javier's cousin is ferrying us around and will offer commentary on stuff. Sadly there's no list of what he says on the wiki, and thanks to the way I take screenshots, I don't hear the dialogue. So I'm just kinda writing him as giving suggestions. By the way, filling that pool with poo kicked us over the edge for level 1.



The only real danger to failing the first several levels is if the game bugs out. Or if you forget you can stop.

This level can be tricky. It's very short, and there are very few targets to hit. So you need to spray early and often. The small jet skis are worth a paltry $100, 1% of our total, but the big yachts?



$20,000! And the marina was worth $6,000 on top of that. So 30% of the level's total just from this tiny little area right here. Not counting any policemen who so kindly show up.



Yes, we'll be able to buy this dock later. Now you can see why I'm doing this as an in-character activity for Playa!

The level was gonna end pretty quickly after this. You gotta be fast on the triggers here.





I'm... not sure what this means. The game does not have locking on that I'm aware of and all the aiming I've done has been down reticles. I guess it lowers bullet spread?

The rest of the update is gonna be races. So many races.



This is the second of three helicopter races.





A target randomly pops up on the radar as we're running around downtown.



Apparently some of these are Ultor-sanctioned hits and this guy got fragged for knowing too much.





Meh.



This race is outside of a movie theater.



It's the last helicopter race!



Each category of races we finish unlocks a new custom variant of a vehicle. In this case it's a golden helicopter. Neat!



Over near the museums.



This is why I have a problem with bikes in this game. It's way to easy to get thrown off through no fault of your own. I changed the channel over to 107.77 and a new song started playing and Playa...

And then she got knocked off the bike and refused to sing anymore when she got back on. So fuck bikes.



Moving on.



We can kill this guy by hanging out at the museum gift shop.



And another tag over here in the amphitheater.





Not much to say about these races. Most of the ones that I'm not getting gold on are against the AI and they just drive a better line without crashing into everything.







We're getting through them at a pretty decent clip at least.



The easier races tend to not be the ones that have twists and turns every five feet.



This race took a couple tries.



It's just a very tight timer with unclear arrows giving directions.



Racing in a bulldozer is pretty creative, at least.





This race is outside the mall.



You have to ride a quad down through the parking garage and into the underground mall. It's pretty fun and creative.



And it ends with you getting a lot of air!



I have no idea who Jeremiah is, but okay sure.



Next race is over at the trailer park. We're almost done with the north island!



This is another tight one with super aggressive AI drivers.



This race is the last one on the north island. It's on the outskirts of the trailer park.



Compared to that one, this one is really easy.



Shortly after that race, the game crashed. Thankfully I saved, so I only lost 10 minutes of progress. So here's the part I recorded the other day to finish out the races.

First off, we buy that dock we saw a ways back in the update.



Next up, the prison has two more races, both jet ski races.







Simple enough!



Next up, there's some races on the nuke plant island.





That's the last boat race!





And this is the exact point where I realized you can bring custom cars into the races. This isn't our custom police car, but...





Yeah. On the last car race.







Back on the mainland, we grab this university apartment. If people want, I can go back and grab all the shots of the lowest and medium tier stuff. But this is what it looks like maxed out.



This race takes me a couple tries.



The plane controls like ass.







All the plane races done. Now for the last bike race.



FOUR ATTEMPTS LATER









Fuck races. Though I will be using that UFO eventually when I go for all 35 barnstorming locations.



God damn right I'm saving! I don't trust this game to not crash!



So what do you say, guys, next time we meet the gangs? See y'all then!