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General Snob, Mission 1, Part 4
A CACOPHONY OF ICE AND THUNDER
DAY 29
“Finally! The Astrologers accepted my bribes!”
“You said you'd kill us and let Sandro 'recruit' us if we didn't give you a good month! That's not bribery, that's extortion!”
“Potaito, potahto. Now I know they haven't had a good week to reinforce and I'm still on top with Zam bringing in MY reinforcements!”
“I may be spent, but I can always find time to squash worms.”
“AGH! What is that thing? Shoot it, shoot it! 
”
“These women have chosen the wrong mine to dwell in. Swordsmen, cut them down please, but mind the bones, we're still recruiting.”
“Sorry ladies, but the boss is the boss.”
“More recruits join our cause. And the mine is ours. Maybe if we donate enough crystals to the church we may attract a few fallen paladins as well?”
“Agh! Monster! Out, out! Go eat the kids in the oven and leave me alone!”
“Wait. You mean that people can offer me better people to eat if I leave them alone? This is... something marvelous!”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever fills your bloated stomach and your rotted mind. They're 'al dente'!”
Rialdo learns the closest thing to diplomacy he'll ever get.
DAY 30
“Lots of corpses in the mine, but nothing else. Now that I had my brunch, you can send the zombies in.”
“Some blond chick is coming to take Nightshadow. I better go protect it or something.”
“I'll attack the volves blocking the vay! SIT, BOY! Good boy!”
“Just as planned! The volves smelt whatever it is that makes everyone hate the liches so much and vent straight for them, alloving me to surround the vicious critters.”
“The volves are gone, and their victims shaw reinforce us vell!”
“Quartermaster, we have lots of resources coming in now, I need to be able to properly convert them into more currency and I can't have my lackeys going up to the trading post every time. What do you suggest?”
“If we let the Merchant's Guild take a cut of every transaction, they can set up shop in our castles.”
“Fine. If it is not much of a cut.”
“WHAT? Twenty tons of ore for a single caldron of mercury?”
“Well, after the guild's cut...”
“Preposterous! How can we convince them to get us a better cut than that?”
“If you expand their domain, they'll be eager to give us better contracts.”
“Too bad I can't just slay them where they stand... that way no more merchants would come...”
DAY 31
“Nothing like bathing in magical waters to feel the power restoring to my bones.”
“Remind me to NEVER drink from a magic well again, if that's how liches utilize them.”
“Zam, give the reinforcements to Sandro now that he's recharged and go back to bring more.”
“Why Zam never gets the fun?”
“Because some are meant to rule, and some are meant to carry the luggage of the former.”
“You say one word, ONE, about how I go with chianti wine and I will use this Evil Eye on you so that every time you try to eat someone they'll turn to tofu with raisins in your very mouth!”
“NO! Not the saddest kind of cookie! Alright, I'll fork over the money, evil little men.”
“Glad doing business with you!”
“She's nosing around in our turf, but she haven't yet closed in enough for me to intercept her.”
“With the marketplace you opened in Nightshadow the Merchants are happy to give you better deals.”
“I wouldn't call 14 large logs of wood for a single cauldron of mercury a good deal... but I suppose it is technically 'better'.”
DAY 32
“The secret is to remember everything is conductive, so the lightning, if powered and aimed properly, can hit dozens of the enemies of your liege with a single casting, no matter how far apart they are from each other! But remember to check if there are enough enemies before doing that, or it can backfire...”
“So that's the secret to 'instant barbecue party'? Now I'm sure I could learn this spell if someone was willing to teach me!”
“It... is... named... 'chain lightning'. You need help.”
DAY 33
“I was going to take the gold and give it to you... but someone offered me a state-of-the-art catapult for the gold and I remembered you can all rot in tatters for all I care. So there.”
“Halon, make some trades and see if you can convince the clerics to improve the mage's guild in Nightshadow, Sandcaster is too far away for it to be useful anymore (and I'm tired to indulging these bastards).”
“Sure thing General. They agreed. And told me they can teach me two very powerful and interesting spells.”
“Chain Lightning is a favorite of mine and many genies, like cousin (thrice removed) Solmyr. It is a very powerful spell in it's own right, but the battlefield version the clerics are going to teach me is much more, since it can explode amidst formations and then cross the battlefield to do so again against other formations. This version is very unwieldy, though, and it will always follow the best conductive path, even if it means electrocuting your own formations.”
Chain Lightning is technically the most powerful single-target spell in the game, doing stupendous 40 damage per point of Spell Power to the target (enough to kill a War Troll, two Dwarves or forty Peasants per Spell Power). I say “technically” because it will then jump to the stack closest to the primary target for half damage (for a still impressive 20 damage per Spell Power, equivalent in power to a Cold Ray, equal to a Mutant Zombie, four Centaurs or Twenty peasants), then again for one quarter damage (a middling Magic Arrow, but that's still one Ranger per Spell Power, five Sprites, OR ten Peasants) and finally one last time for one eightieth damage (5 per Spell Power, or the power of the Death Ripple DARTH has been using, but just to one target. That's one Centaur, two and a half Sprites, or five Peasants). It is usually still worth casting it if you're going to hit three enemy stacks, but extreme consideration must be taken if you're not sure if you're going to hit more than two. Sometimes it is better to target a non-essential enemy stack in order to ensure most of the damage is going into the enemy instead of you. As the battle progresses, it is obviously better to start using more focused spells, like Lightning Bolt.
“Mass Slow is a nifty trick, covering every enemy in a battlefield in a thick but clear mist, almost as heavy as water, severely hampering maneuverability. Many a legendary warlock ensured the outcome of a battle with a single cast of this spell. Alamar could probably have kept Morglin's legions of cavalry and paladins at bay forever had he had this spell, but history shows he most clearly didn't. Though Morglin WAS fond of Anti-Magic, so historians are unsure.”
“Are you done? Geez, I know you got some new toys, but there's a time and a place.”
Slow is good, but Mass Slow is great. Flyer heavy enemies lose a LOT of their advantage when their fliers are grounded and forced to move their actual speed like everyone else (take THAT Sorceresses! And Necromancers, to a lesser extent... though the best flyer from the Warlocks is still unimpressed), but any army is severely crippled when all of their units are suddenly slow like golems... while slow creatures like Golems are pretty much locked in place. If you don't have Mass Haste or Mass Dispel to counter-act this spell, it can sometimes win the battle single-handedly.
“With these new powerful spells in my book, I will reclaim that Laboratory easily. If the blondie comes back to face me, she'll save me the trouble of going to her!”
DAY 34
“Arr, matey, want me to teach ye how to properly navigate Enroth's treacherous murky waters, or to better spy yer enemies and learn their closest secrets?”
“Technically, either. I have no need to sailing right now since, despite this peninsula being surrounded by water, no-one thought to have a single shipwright built in these parts. And my enemies rarely have secrets worth learning. But if I have to choose, I guess I will choose the one that's rarely ever worth it to the one that's assured to not serve me.”
“Fine, be tha' way. Landlubber.”
Eagle Eye gives you a set chance to learn spells cast by your enemies EVERY time they cast it during a battle. I actually find this skill useful, as you can't always bank to have the spells you want in your mage's guild. Sure, you will learn your enemies spells anyways once you take their castle, but usually by then you're already on the offensive and winning anyway. When you're on the defensive and the enemy is coming to you, this can be a life-saver if your mage's guild let you down (or, more likely, you hadn't even had the chance to develop it in the first place.)
“You know what? Screw the lab. I've got the power, better put it to use. Even if I don't have Sandro's bling.”
DAY35
“The Ore mine tells me there's a castle close. Unfortunately, none of our guilds have provided us with useful utilitarian spells, so I'm afraid I'll have to guess. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, I feel the fear of some... does.”
“That... was easy. And abandoned too. I'm so, so disappointed right now.”
“Come now! They're not even trying!”
“You may have found us and avoided our mistress, but you'll never break us or our spir... 
”
“Now you're simply ASKING for it.”
“Shoot the undead, malignant, reanimated warlock! Oh... I guess his liches are good too...”
“Warlock? That's so twenty years ago. These wannabes you can slaughter at will, though, see if I care.”
“Don't mind if I do.”
“BLAGH! This... is... DELICIOUS! Everyone should feast on a unicorn once in their lives!”
“They didn't even had the courtesy of having a GOOD Mage's Guild to teach me? That's low. Even for these silly girls.”
“I must say, I'd never think I'd agree with that monster, but this is also underwhelming. Where's the blond that was running from me? Believe it or not, that single group of Golems is actually a detriment to my plan!”
“I must protect the sprites for the time being, my magic isn't very effective against these spell-crafted marvels.”
“These golems are too tough and their towers killed all my troops, I have no option other than escape... didn't even had the chance to cast my new spell since it'd do more harm than good against a single formation of golems...”
“Halon, that was bone-headed move. You really shouldn't have attacked a force of golems if all you have to show for yourself are spells.”
“Tomorrow, more troops will be at our disposal. It was, but a setback.”
“Look! In the way back I was able to corner some boars!”
“What about your skin?”
“They fear the lightning burning everything around them more than they hate my skin color.”
“If you say so.”
DAY 36
“Squirrels again?”
“After the scrambling we had to go through to get your 'PLAGUE', we had a lot to fix.”
“I'm sure you won't mind, and I really don't care if you do, but I gave them permission to build a third floor on the mage's guild here in Brindamoor, so that my trip here wasn't a COMPLETE waste of my precious time.”
“Trip? You came and conquered our fair castle!”
“So you keep reminding me. What a horrible trip.”
“And it almost was a complete waste anyway, since one of the spells the druids uncovered was Mass Bless. Who needs that, anyway? If I was to try and say the incantations for the Gods, the Ancients, or whoever it be, to bless my army, they'd much more likely smite me where I stand.”
Mass Bless is not as useful as it looks. The problem is that at 12 spell points it is at the upper end of costs for third level spells, and most of the time only one or two units in an army will really benefit from it a great deal. It is still an overall improvement in damage, one way or another... as long as you have troops that can actually be blessed.
“But the other spell they uncovered actually made it worth it. The fools and warmongers seem to have a lustful drive towards fireballs. I've always preferred it's more controllable cousin, the Cold Ring. It is no use to vanquish everyone surrounding you if you have to take yourself with them.”
Cold Ring was a spell I hated because I thought it was bugged when I first played the game. Again, my english wasn't that good and I never really bothered reading spell descriptions, rather counting on the spell icon or the spell animation to infer what they did. This led to many a cast of Cold Ring right on top of enemies. Then I got the impression this spell only worked on large creatures...
It does 10 damage per Spell Power to everything in the SURROUNDING hexes of the targeted hex (that's one Orc, five Rogues or ten Peasants per spell power), which means you're better able to control the multiplier of this area spell. It is better damage than Lightning Bolt as long as you get at least 3 targets, which can be easy if you use a small, flying creature as bait... and the Vampire Lords certainly fit the bill.
DAY 37
“Ah! There's one of the runnaway girls.”
“Stop where you are, abomination! How dare you run behind our backs and rob our homes?”
“It was just THERE for the taking. For as much of a waste of my time it was conquering it, no self-respecting necromancer would just wander past it. It is more your fault than mine, really.”
“Don't talk with the creature, just act! Attack him before...”
“He exploded our powerful unicorns with but a single spell! We're doom...”
“RARGH! Shut up, already. Recognize when you've been bested.”
“BLAGH!And we get the dessert! Sweet, sweet, pixie dust!”
“Uh... now that I thought about it, maybe we'd better talk? Is there anything you'd like?”
“Is that a new recruit voluteering?”
“Mommy!”
“Actually, you're so pathetic that you amuse me. If you lug my stuff around for as long as I deem like it, perhaps one day I shall find it in my funny bone to release you. Until them, you are re-branded 'bone-brush girl'.”
DAY 38
“Hey, look who's here!”
“Remember me?”
“I granted you safe passage! And you come back to ransack our homes and destroy our families?”
“Actually, the one who did it was mister light callories deeper into your territory. I'm coming just to eat your families.”
“Yummy lady, do you think your hooded burgers' would rather be well-done or DEEP FRIED!”
“Fine, you electrocute my druids, I'll deep freeze your damned liches!”
“Going after the liches? Could you be less original, yummy lady?”
“Oh Gods, those monsters! How could we agree to joining them!”
“Och! Our axes are nae doin' much of anything to that thing! 
Only our lady's magicks even dents it! We ar' fuc...”
“LAN... 
...GUage...? 
Uh, funny, that almost never happens. The arrow just flew a sad couple of feet and hit the grass. Guess I will have to leave you to the dragons.”
“The Green lady was in a tent left behind by the angry yummy lady. She...”
“I really think I don't want to know, Rialdo. Keep your depravities to yourself.”
“Ok... (She offered me some estates and more gold and I let her go, and the druids were very good deep fried so I wasn't that hungry.)”
“HOLD IT! Past this point is the land of the Orange lord, you have to pay the toll to pass through!”
“I was going to show you my permission to freeze your assets, but since you'd rather be impolite and just make a wide wedge formation to go after my liches, I guess I'll have to just burn them instead.”
“And I'm afraid I have more than a few skeletons in my closet. Quite more, in fact.”
DAY 39
“Now, Rialdo, pass the horrible, unblinking eye to the nice lich. And the troops you've managed to not lose against Astra.”
DAY 40
“You might have routed the Green lady, but the Orange lord has the designs for the most powerful beings in all the...”
“Designs? You mean he has not built them yet?”
“Yeah... well... you know, if he just had the gems...”
“Then why are you wasting your breath and MY time talking about it?”
“As a penalty, I'm going to confiscate your halflings and some of your mages. They'll be in a better place in my fridge.”
“And I'm afraid that's a no-parking zone, you will have to forfeit your Rocs. If you can't, my skeletons are going to retrieve them for you. In pieces.”
“Those are illegal golems. You're going to have to disassemble them for evaluation. My bone dragons can help you there.”
“Is this a joke? Do you find this all a joke?”
“Please. The living are far from a joke in my book. They'd have to improve a lot to get to the level of a joke. No, no. They're just paperwork.”
“Let that be a lesson to any aspiring liches. Going for field work is to ask a giant target painted over one's head.”
DAY 41
“I've cornered the last of the Orange forces. They took refuge in one of their labs. There sure seems to have an overabundance of mercury in these lands.”
“It is over now! Resistance is futile! Now, you'll bear witness to TRUE POWER!”
“Those dirty damn chimps! We're almost there, men! Press forwards! CHARGE!”
“Those leadership lessons really paid off.”
“Damn, this is close. I'm almost spent, but my opponent seems close to her limit as well.”
“Surround the dwarves! They're tough, but not invincible!”
“PHEW! That was close.”
