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General Snob, Mission 1, Part 3
JAFFA, FLEE!
Day 20
“General, I've been attacked on the Knight's castle! The opposing knight produced a strange staff from his back-pack that fired a beam of light that fried two of my cavalry!”
“I was afraid that he'd get to you before Sandro got to him... that's the only reason I allowed you to hire these cavalrymen in the first place. If he has such a powerful weapon, I guess you're screwed. Who is he?”
“JAFFA, KREE!”
“A big, dark-skinned guy... he looks at the same time pissed-off and serene... that's as disturbing as a goblin working girl. But it seems his staff is out of charges.”
“Lucky you... that's Tyro, some call him Teal'c, one of the most fearsome knights in all Enroth, behind Kilburn. 
He's not from around here, you know? Some say he's a space orc. It's been good knowing you.”
“What? His firepower is already spent, I have plenty of archers in both the towers and behind the walls... and I haven't even unleashed MY magic yet. Do not discard me so easily, general.”
“RIDE THE LIGHTNING! 
”
“Here's a trick I learned from cousin Flench and his friend Fubar.”
“Not every day you find someone able to throw an arrow with his bare hands across the battlefield. 
”
“The walls has been breached! The swordsmen killed one of our sisters!”
“Fear not, ladies! I've got a trick saved just for such an occasion!”
“
There's one still alive. Why haven't you fried both of them with a lightning bolt?”
“Oh... well... you see, 
my magic reserves aren't yet... I've failed, you, ladies!”
“What a bittersweet victory... I've defeated Tyro the Teal'c's army, but at more losses than it could have been.”
“He left his staff behind though... what's this? He had an artifact powering the staff! It is a Mage's Ring of Power, general! With it, I can better protect...”
“Great! Give it to Sandro.”
“... Very well, general. I will give it to the lich...”
“The Yellow lord chased after Tyro the Teal'c demanding he charges my walls single-handed, but the dark-skinned orc seems to be leaving him behind. Without armies to protect his land and no more Knights or other heroes to serve his cause he is nothing more than a straggler now.”
“One down, two to go, and now the advantage is solely mine!”
DAY 21
“Squirrel? I guess we're going to run out of nuts this week, at worst. What's this sound...? Are the sprites back? Take it out of my head! It pierces my heart!”
That's the Grassland's theme for Heroes II. This tune is very special to me. There are two songs I can say, without a shadow of doubt, to have heard in my dreams. And more than once... constantly, in fact. This one, in it's MIDI version, and Might & Magic VI's “Moonlit Snow Adventure” tune. For a while I had forgotten where this song that followed me in my dreams was from, and it really hit me like a rock the first time I reinstalled Heroes II in my teens, booted it up, started a scenario mission, and heard it. I literally wept.
“Relinquish your ill-gotten treasure to Archibald's cause, bandits!”
“You think your imitation dragon scares us? Kill this vampire, men, and then stake him through his black heart, take his riches and add it to ours!”
The nomad is an overall a good neutral. Equivalent to a Tier3, they have good stats, better than most Very Fast units, and have great speed. 20 health is a bit low for a Tier 3, however considering they are rather inexpensive at 200 gold if you manage to find their tent they are well worth it. Their only oddity is their damage, which is one of the most unreliable in the game, so they're greatly affected by Bless or Curse.
“What sorcery is this! I can't see!”
“If you're going to make it hard on yourself, I vill not pass on your blood offering!”
“Skeleton battalion, advance!”
“We did not sign up for this! They're flanking us from all sides!”
“That monstrosity! It is going to kill us, it is going to kill us all!”
“Cover in the face of our powerful Bone Dragons! They're the last thing you vill see.”
“We're really reconsidering our terrible life choices right now...”
“And your last was to choose standing betveen me and my revenge on that horrible gnome!”
“What?”
“Vhat?”
“Victory is ours and ours alone, boss. They had a nifty set-up here, ransacking the peasants trying to flee the warring lands, capturing some to send to the crystal mines for the sprites to work them to death for their psychedelic rocks. And now, it is all ours.”
“Seems like you're finally making yourself useful, Zam. Good work.”
“Goddamn lich. I got this artifact fair and square from the bastard sieging my castle. I held my ground when even the general thought I was a lost cause. And now he gets everything.”
“What's that, genie? Please, grumble and mumble louder so I can hear your misfortune. Mage's Ring, though? Bah! It is not what I seek. Is it possible that none of the artifacts I'm looking for are here in Enroth? Will I need to go back to Antagarich?”
“If it is not what you are looking for... does that mean you can give me my artifact back so I can better protect the women and children of this castle?”
“Now, skadoodle away from here!”
“I AM WORTHY! OPEN THE DOOR YOU SELF-IMPORTANT RAT! Bastards. This place is well protected. Not even my magic can get through. FINE! I WILL INCREASE MY POWER AND BLAST YOU OUT OF THERE MYSELF!”
“Maybe if you asked nicely.”
“Was that the wind? Or something even less important?”
“Who's a good dragon? You are! Yes, you are!”
“
”
“Now we hunt food for daddy!”
DAY 22
“I hope the miller worked hard this week. If he doesn't want to become breakfast.”
“Damn... this is actually really nice. I guess I will have to pass breakfast.”
“And lunch too? The wee green man just left the gold here for us to take but is nowhere to be seem. Why everyone hates Rialdo? 
”
“We saw you around here several days ago! I knew we shouldn't have allowed you to leave and come back in greater numbers, blood-sucker!”
“Ow, but Vampires and Trolls could make such a beautiful friendship! You provide unlimited blood... and ve let you live!”
“Bury them, girls!”
“Have you seem the size of that thing! It will devour us all!”
“Vell, I can't argue vith that. When you're right, you're right.”
“Victory, and their bones, are ours, boss.”
“Having this battle vithout magic vas tough, but I managed. It made me realize I need more magical knowledge, though.”
“Oh, and their gold mine is now ours too, I guess.”
“You're not going to tresspass into the yellow lord's terri... AGH! MY EYES!”
“Sorry, if you think we're trespassing INTO the yellow territory, you're obviously blind. I just corrected that slight. Also, your orders are outdated, the yellow lord is no-more.”
“Does... does that mean we can just go away?”
“Nooo... it means you're MY reinforcements now.”
“You may be powerful, but we are resolute and we outnumber you! Come my brothers!”
“Oh, how droll. You really think you outnumber us? Go, my bone warriors! With the wind under your feet, reveal yourselves out of the trees!”
“That's... that's a lot of bones. ”
“Where?”
“Do you feel resolute still while you're surrounded by all sides? Do you really think you'll be on top, when the dust settles? By now, you must've realized. Hope is fruitless. All that is left is being reborn under my guidance, my power and my command! Skeletons, do your work.”
“This is not being very reassuring... are we really on the right side here?”
“Ah, to hell with it! We're obviously on the WINNING side.”
“Zealous fools. They cost me more than I was really willing to pay, but in the end, it was still a net positive for me.”
“Ahem.”
“What, haven't you noticed you're no longer my most valuable troops?”
“Hmm... water made living in these parts... but my magic reserves are low. Better return. But no harm in claiming whatever gifts the yellow coward left us, is that an Alchemist's Lab in the forest to the south?”
“It is unfortunate I actually had to resort to the riches I was saving... but with the mine Zam captured we'll be swimming in gold very shortly. So I guess I could spend a bit of it on more improvements. Quartermaster, what else you've got?”
“Oh, we could raise a nice obelisk in front of the Pyramid.”
“What is this? MORE decoration?”
“Obelisks are magical batteries, general. The embalmers will then channel its reserves into reanimating the most powerful and old of our dead!”
“Fine... it'd be nice to know how can a simple obelisk cost the same and need half the raw materials of the pyramid itself... but truthfully, that's actually more in line with what I believe this Obelisk should cost.”
The Royal Mummy is a very slight upgrade over the normal mummy, increasing only health and speed slightly, though it makes it tie with the Vampire Lords in speed they're still not that fast and the building upgrade is quite expensive, so it is not really worth it to rush it early in the game. The best improvement is that they increase the chance of cursing to 30%, making it so that nearly one in every three attacks is a cursing one, instead of every five. Their cost increases only by 50 gold to 300.
“Look smart... eh... men! I've detected enemy movement past the dwarves at the Gazebo in your part of the land!”
DAY 23
“If you wish, for a small investment we could make a draining system to dump all the toxic waste and other hazardous stuff into the graveyard where we dump the bodies we collect, instead of the nearby river”
“And why would I want to do that?”
“We're not exactly sure why, but the pestilent, mutant corpses reanimated after this treatment will actually shamble in a manner resembling running... and they're fairly sturdier as well.”
“You mean that's for the Zombies? Look, they're nice, obedient servants and all, but so far I've been unimpressed with their combat prowess. I'd rather see what your Necromancer friends will be willing to teach us after I improve their Spa.”
“You mean the Mage's Guild?”
“You've heard me.”
“The snack bar is finished, with the silk curtains floor.”
“... Terrific.”
Anti-magic is a great spell for Might heroes, as it allows them to protect prized stacks from spell shenanigans. For Magic heroes, however, it is much less useful, since it takes up a turn you could be using to fry half your opposition's forces.
Earthquake is... more useful for Magic heroes, but still a spell for Might ones. It causes a lot of damage to castle walls, easing siege, but the Necromancers already have good flying troops to fly over the walls so it is not that useful for us. It is a godsend to Knights and Barbarians, though, since they have a tough time getting past walls with no flying units. It might be useful to help our Skeletons get through, but a good spell power means there are probably better uses for our spell points.
“That's all you've got? You think you're what? Knights?”
“Since your servants are untiring, you can make them carry some more stuff with you. Have some carts pulled by the zombies with the stuff you need, instead of tiring your horse.”
“But my horse is undead too, it doesn't get tired. We usually have to stop just so we can patch ourselves together after a long day walk.”
“Then use these carts to carry better patching materials. Do I have to think everything for you?”
Strategically speaking... Logistics is probably the best skill in the game. It compensates for slow troops and makes heroes carrying fast troops even faster. It helps you chase running heroes better and allows that extra bit of movement to get where you need. All in all, the 30% movement bonus it provides at Expert will always be well worth it.
“Nice druids offer Rialdo new secrets AND a virgin sacrifice? BEST DAY EVER!”
“More elementals? Have they risen from the ocean just to stand in MY way? Very well, I'll back up a bit to bath in the waters from the magic well.”
“You, old man, I need more people exploring the surroundings of Night...shadow? Wait, are you sure this is a Knight's castle?”
“Yes. It was formerly a necromantic outpost. Cities change their history, but it is rare for them to change their names. There was a place I cursed all water to become wine, and they thought it was a blessing! And yet, they kept the name of Rivercity instead of renaming it to something more appropriate. Like Boozetown. The fools were still thanking me as they dehydrated themselves and died of thirst...”
“By the ancients, I did not ask for your life's story. Just take my gold and explore away.”
“Such a lack of respect for the one who was once the right hand of Alamar himself. Humph. If only that cursed Morglin had been contained before he became a threat, like I had advised Alamar, we wouldn't have been having this whole succession war problem. Alamar would still be ruling these lands and...”
“You're still here? And still talking? GO ALREADY!”
“I've found a mine of ores to the south of Nightshadow. It seems abandoned, but I'm camping by it to make sure there are no surprises.”
DAY 24
The upgrade from zombie to mutant is more important than the Mummy one, if only because the zombie is almost unusable before it and it becomes borderline viable after it. It is still slow, much weaker than the skeletons themselves, fragile despite their hit points, and their sole saving grace is that they come in moderate quantities, but nothing compared to the skeletons and still not enough to make them better than the mummies.
“Seems like my fears were unfounded. The mine was really empty and clear for us to take it. It is a shame to claim it for Archibald instead of Alamar but...”
“If you say Alamar one more time I'll unmake you!”
“I see you like to mix troops from different backgrounds. But you need to keep them in check if you want to keep their morale up.”
“STOP trying to look under our skirts! Don't you see we've got pants underneath?”
“We are NOT trying to look under your damn skirts, giantesses! It is not our fault that your damn legs are taller than our heads!”
“This is definitely harder than it looks.”
DAY 25
“Zam needs more gold, and general Snubble needs more Crystals, so you better give us what we want or you're going to give ME what I want.”
“And what is that?”
“Dinner! 
”
“Boss! Good news! Ve seem to be ahead of our enemies in the matter of armies. The orange Lord's Heroine still only got Rocs and the Green Lady's one seem to have only Druids! They're no match for our Bone Dragons! Ve also appear to be ahead in several other areas, according to the blind seer. Including tax-income! Ve also have more castles! On the downside... she says their heroines are more powerful than any of us!”
“PREPOSTEROUS!”
“Oh, for the love of... will EVERYONE intrude into my scrying channels? Sandro, why don't you prove yourself? Take your artifacts, and explore north!”
“Nothing would give me more pleasure.”
DAY 26
“Huh... I see some really angry lady coming for the Dwarves.”
“Her troops aren't that powerful... but the chilling blizzard following her tell me she'd be able to freeze my dragons solid in the blink of an eye! I'm not supposed to be the main course!”
“Take the dwarves before she has the chance! With their reinforcements, go to the gazebo and wait further orders.”
“But this will keep me in her path! And dwarf don't taste too good, tough meat. Not fair...”
“Och! Where dese monstrosities come from! AIE!”
“Not much to reanimate... But maybe it might work after all!”
“Well, at least I'm prepared to run away.”
“I seem to have found the Orange lord's castle. It is well guarded. Wait, wait, wait... what is that? I can't believe it! Castle Alamar? Under these damn dirty mages? You maniacs! You whitened it up! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!”
“Sheesh, issues much? In any case, I was fearing that. I have no-one useful down there right now.”
“Ahem. And what am I? It is my duty to avenge my...”
“Like I said. No-one.”
“This is our turf! Pay the toll and we might consider... ”
“I will literally never tire of doing that, literally. Now, would you kindly keel over and die?”
“You're blocking my way. I can see the wizard woman from the Orange lord past you. If you could just get out of my way. My skeletons will even assist you.”
“In the end, they were nothing more than reinforcements. At least they had some schematics on a stronger catapult in their camp. I'll put that to a good use.”
“I might not have be able to reach that cousin of Halon's today, but I sure have the time to try and recruit your lazy corpses to my cause.”
“But we'd not make good soldiers! We are men of piety!”
“Who said anything about you? I'm talking to your bodies.”
Visions could be more useful, but it is just too expensive to really help. It might give you the information you need if, say, you're facing a stack of wandering monsters in those ranges of numbers that are the most vague. Namely, lots, mainly. 20 - 49 is a huge gap, and it can be useful to know if it is an easy encounter against twenty or a tough forty five one.
“DIE, creatures of bone and empty heart cavities!”
“Hey! That's racist! Just because I didn't resist the smell of elf?”
“We've heard what you did to our kin in the west! Back to the dust from whence you came, abominations!”
“TASTE THE LIGHTNING, THEN! Really, taste it. It is tasty!”
“It will be lightning against ice then! Hope your dragons can take the hit! ”
“And I hope there's something left from your elves after they're ganged up by three dragons! No, really, I want dessert, otherwise this will be all for nothing!”
“Two dragons, you mean, surely!”
“Eh, lucky shot!”
“Damn dwarves! Tough, stringy meat AND never die! I'm all out of magic and there are still over twenty of them to my handful of skeletons and single bone dragon! If only she stopped freezing my dragons!”
Tanky creatures are great for Magic heroes precisely because of this. A battle that seems already won can always turn the tables as long as they have the spell points to keep casting and destroying the opposition. Astra had 50 spell points and only now she's spent half of that amount...
“Rialdo! I told you to stay back!”
“Oh... but she... she had elves!”
“And?”
“ ”
“Well?”
“ 
”
“I'm waiting for the part where you tell me how that is relevant in any way or form. Forget it. Miss Astra, Rialdo is an idiot. How much would you require to let him go?”
“The crimes of this monster are nothing compared to yours! You will NOT... what? How... Alright. The green Lady said I should let this monster go for the low price of 937 gold. Please, tell me you don't have that kind of currency.”
“Oh, but I do. I anticipated I'd have to bail someone today. Rialdo, come back.”
The worst thing in all this is that her morale was horrible because of this mixture of troops added to the Bone Dragon penalty and yet only once her troops froze in fear...
“Oh, for the love of... You got attacked too?”
“Yes, just as I planned. I sent the vampires ahead and fried the Halflings with a lightning bolt, but she ashed my vampires with two lightning bolts of her own. In hindsight... wasting my magic reserves on the nomads was a poor choice.”
“She's going to defeat you! I can't bail another one of you.”
“Oh, will you shut it? I have my skeletons, just need to make sure they're not attacked directly by those zombies. Where did she get so many zombies anyway? I thought it was another one of these wizard girls who had zombies falling in love with her. The kissing one.”
“DIE, BIRD! Victory will be ours!”
“Such violence! Rocs, destroy the golems this abomination stole!”
“Oh, your birds won't outrun my army of the dead! Skeletons, cut these turkeys in two!”
Looks like a neat effect, but this is just what happens when a game doesn't have vertical sync...
“You let your moderate company of zombies fall into my trap! Now they're surrounded!”
“How could you! That's dirty play! Dirty!”
“And now your zombies are no more. That's what happens when amateurs try to harness the dead!”
“She gave me more trouble than I thought, but I'm triumphant, of course!”
“So that's why her troops were mowing mine down so easily. She had found a four-leaf clover! It is not one of the artifacts I'm searching for, but I will not pass it up.”
“Oh, look, there was another four-leaf clover beside the one she left behind. I'm not superstitious... but it doesn't hurt to carry a few.”
“Guess you really are good at this whole 'let nothing stand in my way' thing you do.”
“When was there any doubt?”
“DIE, MIDGETS!”
“Oh, by Morglin's mummified balls... you too!?”
“General, I found one of these filthy, bleeding-heart wizards! I will defeat them all, for the glory of Alamar!”
“What? Defeat? Impossible! General, pay my surrender and...”
“To hell with you! They can put you in chains and leave you to rot for all I care. You're too stuck in the past to be of any use.”
DAY 27
“I've got reinforcements. I heard Rialdo had to surrender! Vhat a disgrace! Vith my forces, ve vill tip the scales!”
“Rialdo, you've failed me, but I'll give you another chance. Will you accept my gold?”
“Only because I'm still hungry. Hungry for revenge!”
“Well, let's see if the priests at the Nightshadow will have something worthwhile in their mage's guild.”
Paralyze is Blind's bigger brother. For all effects and purposes, it is the same as Blind, but will also prevent the retaliation when you break it with an attack. For 50% more spell points, this is not really worth it, but sometimes it is all you've got and it makes it possible to defeat much more powerful stacks of enemies... if you have the spare spell points.
Well, my plans of advancing east were curbed by enemy heroes popping up from all directions. But thanks to the damage Rialdo caused, even though he lost, and Sandro's victory, we are now open to attack both lords at once! No vote now. Next time: We are going to win this.